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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
An Ode to Bob.
    #4501865 - 08/06/05 12:21 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

I first met Bob on a hot summer day in the middle of November. I was in a fistfight with Riley O'Riley in the middle of a cornfield over the last jar of pickled eggs. Then Bob parachuted out of the sky. He landed on Riley O'Riley and killed him instantly with his six inch heels. When I asked Bob where he had come from, he just mumbled something about God and 'taking over' and 'weasels.' Then he grabbed a badger with his bare hands and rode him to the nearest town to buy some whiskey. When he couldn't find any, he picked up the entire town and tossed it into a volcano he had created by punching a hole in the Earth's crust.

When Bob was in kindergarten, he was captain of the high school basketball team. He was their only player because he ate his teammates. He won every game because the visiting teams were too afraid to play him. One time I saw him sink a basket when he was two towns over battling giant grasshoppers with his rainbow gun.

One time I was crossing the street and I saw Bob speeding towards me in his van. I laughed and waved, thinking it was a joke and he would stop. He didn't. I flew fifty feet in the air and landed on a chain link fence. I broke my pelvis and my spleen was ripped open. I was in a coma for four months and when I woke up, Bob walked in the room and told me to quit lying around before he punched me in the face.

Bob taught me how to ice skate.

Bob can melt crayons with his breath.

Bob's bald spot can be seen from space.

Bob challenged a bear and a pack of wolves to a fight. To make it fair, he gave the bear a stick.

Bob was Canada's first gynecologist.

Bob's wife gave birth to a piano.

I think Bob is spying on me right now because I don't know where he is.

One time Bob got so mad at the boss, he tossed him out of a fifth story window. Then he realized that the boss was going to land on his car. He ran downstairs and caught the boss before he hit the ground. The boss was so impressed he promoted Bob. Bob was still pissed off so he tied him to a chair, lit him on fire and tossed him in the river.

Bob wrote all the music for Grease.

Once I waited outside Bob's house for three weeks just so I would be the first to wish him a happy Labour Day. He ripped off my leg and tossed it down the street. While I was limping after it, he shot me in the ass with an arrow. I never knew Bob was an archer. I was impressed by the shot.

Bob wears leather thongs...backwards.

Bob has a conjoint twin brother inside of his body. He ate him in the womb.

When Bob and I were conquering Africa, we accidentally killed all the elephants. I later found out that Bob killed all the elephants on purpose because he was onto them. He told me that if elephants could learn to walk and talk on that Babar show, then they were going to take over the fucking world. He built a garage with their bones and made a 747 out of their skins.

Bob found a cure for AIDS but hasn't told anyone and won't tell anyone until My Three Sons is back on the air.

Bob was the head coach for the Saskatchewan Roughriders for forty years until they made him retire because he kept locking the team in a meat locker and forgetting about them.

Bob framed Roger Rabbit.

Bob got sent to prison for littering.

Bob is eight feet tall and wears Volkswagens for shoes.

Bob tethered me to a pole in the middle of his yard to keep the birds from shitting on his house. When it didn't work, he nailed me to a cross to keep the Christians away.

Bob looks really sexy today.

Bob can turn into a duck when he gets really mad.

When Bob's son got picked on at school, Bob called the other kid's dad and threatened to take a dump on his front yard. The guy laughed at him. He wasn't laughing when Bob crapped on his grass and the fumes killed everyone inside the house. Witnesses say there was an entire horse in the pile.

It was too cold one day so Bob punched a hole in the ozone layer.

Bob won all the Olympic medals for Canada one year.

Bob was the first man to go to Mars by bicycle.

Small eagles live in Bob's moustache.

Bob invented the cotton gin.

Bob is the lead singer for a Metallica cover band. They suck worse than the real Metallica, but everyone is too afraid to tell Bob. So when they released their debut album, everyone bought it and it went triple platinum. They opened for Metallica that year and even Metallica was too afraid to tell Bob that he sucked. They won all the Grammys and a Nobel Prize. While at the ceremony, he beat up Sting and spit in his mouth while he was sleeping.

Bob's middle name is Bertha.

The December tsunami was caused by Bob when did a cannonball off of his yacht.

Bob threw a paper airplane at me and it cut off my ear. Now I'm bleeding all over and he's laughing at me. I told him to quit fucking laughing and he pinned me to the ground and started biting me. Now I'm all bloody and bitten and Bob is still laughing at me. I don't know what the fuck is going on. How come my eyedrops leave a funny taste in the back of my mouth?

When I grow up, I'm going to be just like Bob. Or a fire engine.


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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InvisibleLe_Canard
Danger Man

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,263
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4501895 - 08/06/05 12:28 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Yay for Bob! He's my hero! Or my enemy. Or KILL ME!  :crazy2:


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OfflineFreshCaps
Nor-Cal

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 740
Loc: The Cannabis State
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: Le_Canard]
    #4501933 - 08/06/05 12:33 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Is that a reference to LSD?

I've seen your sig before, and I always wondered what it was, then I notices that strange Jesus-looking dude holding the other guys face, who I assume is tripping on cid...

??


--------------------
THE BEST ASS:




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InvisibleLe_Canard
Danger Man

Registered: 05/17/03
Posts: 93,263
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: FreshCaps]
    #4501990 - 08/06/05 12:42 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Go here. Read it - let it soak into your VERY SOUL! It will enlighten you, or KILL YOU! And remember kids - you ain't saved unless "Bob" sees your $30! :laugh:


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: Le_Canard]
    #4502169 - 08/06/05 01:18 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Lets poke him with a stick!


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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InvisibleMushmanTheManic
Stranger

Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 4,587
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4502740 - 08/06/05 03:27 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

Are UFO's sleeping with your wife?


--------------------
PsyPost - Psychedelic Research


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OfflineHeinous_Anus
S.D.M.F.

Registered: 08/03/05
Posts: 310
Last seen: 11 years, 3 months
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: MushmanTheManic]
    #4502763 - 08/06/05 03:36 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

I have no wife!

...assuming you're talking to me.  :smile:


--------------------


I didn't go to college. I went to Ozzy Osbourne University. - Zakk Wylde


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Invisibleblissedout
Male User Gallery

Registered: 11/11/04
Posts: 22,320
Loc: Yonder Flag
Re: An Ode to Bob. [Re: Heinous_Anus]
    #4502790 - 08/06/05 03:44 AM (11 years, 4 months ago)

wow :handth:


--------------------



:murray:


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