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Invisibletak
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my girlfriend
    #4124271 - 05/02/05 06:54 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

hi everyone.

I have posted here much in the past about my relationship. Well here it goes again.

I love this girl, with all my heart. I currently live with her and her mom, but we are moving out in early July to a diffrent city where she will be attending college, and I will be supporting her.

This is something I really want, because I am tired of staying with her family, and moving out locally is not an option because of hte short time period.

So anyways, diffrent city, wokring full time + more so she lives in a roomy nice place...it is worrying me a little bit, but I make enough money to handle it.

The problem is we have been going out for 18 months now, and I do not have too much freedom. She needs attention real bad, and i dont think i can give it to her. I love her alot, but when at home I spend alot of time online, and working on my car, and when I am with her I want to s leep or watch TV. I will listen, but it seems like I am growing away.

The problem is that I do not know if I am ready for this kind of relationship. I went out the other day, money in my pocket, car full of gas, and no where to be for a whole night. I felt FREE.

Now I have to come home after work, spend all day with her, and be accounted for.

I dont know if I am ready for this, but she is the one i love, so if i ended it now, im not sure it would ever be again....

I know people say that if you are not happy leave, because you are here to live your life first, not others.

I believe that if i broke up with her at this critical time in her life, it would throw her off course, into depression, right at the start of college.

I had to answer to my mother and teachers when growing up, and my boss at work, i dont want to answer to anyone else.

If i want to go out at night, i shouldnt get the third degree about where I am going. And then after i let her know its something I would REALLY like to do, i dont think she should get all sad, and start crying making me feel bad.


This is the shit that confuses the fuck out of me, and makes me crazy. I dont know what to do.

I think I am growing farther and farther apart from her because of how we are living, and one day if there is no change im just gonna snap.

I would like to talk to her about it, but she gets all sad and emotional, then she will get angry and start letting loose everything she dislikes about me, etc, and i think at that point one of us might do something unrational.

Like I said before, we are moving in 2 months, and hopefully this will be a new start. I think part of my lack of freedom is living in a house with her family, they are cool, but get annoying, etc ,etc....

When i move, i pray to god that things will sort of work themselves out, I would let to "set some rules" but without having direct confrontation. I want to sort of "slide into it" somehow, maybe doing things a bit more often.

Possibly showing passion for activities that she will not like too much like backpacking, that might be my escape. I dont know.

I just know that I work 10+ hours a day and sometimes when i get home i want some free time, and on the weekends when im not working, i would like to have some me-time, or some friend time.

She goes to school for a couple hours a day, and spends the rest of hte day alone, and when i get home she is bored so wants to be with me. I would feel the same if i did nothing all day i guess, but i dont.

I am not sad, or mad, or unhappy.
I just am not overly happy. Like i usually am. This relationship is making me kinda 'blah"


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OfflineKenny7822
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4124484 - 05/02/05 07:48 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

If you honestly can't talk to your girlfriend about this problem then I don't think you should be with her. You should be able to talk to her about this problem without her getting all upset and mentioning everything that is wrong with you. You shouldn't let her put you down like that. I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

I don't think your relationship will get better either. If anything it will get worse. I think you should just tell your girlfriend all this stuff that you just told us and break up with her. Don't be an ass about it, just tell her like it is.


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InvisiblePsychoactive1984
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4124506 - 05/02/05 07:54 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Co-dependant relationships suck!

Talk it out, let her know you need your time.

Glad to hear you love her so much. When you leave, and when she leaves your situation won't be better when you are together, it'll be even more focused on "togetherness" due to the time apart. Get her some friends, or share passions. I dunno the thought of that wouldn't bother me too much, maybe just tell her you need a break... separation makes the the heart go stronger, use that as an escape, and lie...

Or be completely and utterly honest, and stop it from occuring unless you're willing to deal with it. Blunt honesty is k3y in a relationship.


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"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: Psychoactive1984]
    #4124611 - 05/02/05 08:17 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

As you have described it, it sounds bad. Don't live together is my advice. You both have a lot of growing and learning to do before that will work for you both. This is not an uncommon situation. If you allow shoulds and guilt to determine your choices you will pay for it. Big time. :thumbdown:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Invisibletak
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: Icelander]
    #4126570 - 05/03/05 05:49 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i appreciate the help.

it really isnt as bad as i make it out to be you know. i post all the bad stuff, but there is tons of good to counteract it. the fact of it is though, that it is still there, and something needs to be done.

i think i am going to try to express my feelings a little more and try to get involved in some backpacking excursions.

alot of my problems are because i used to be really in touch with nature, and this and that...now it seems all we do is watch tv, and live one giant superficial lifestyle, and i feel like a traitor.

things have a way of working out,
thanks again


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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InvisibleNemo_Hoes
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4126893 - 05/03/05 10:03 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

I suggest bringing it up in a sort of indeirect manner, like slowly step into the conversation, tip toe if you will. If it can be solved I'm sure you can solve it, I trained you in pimpin well nukka, Go buy her some flowers and she'll be all happy, and then break it to her that you need to do you sometimes you know? Let her know what's happenin, above all stay real, putting up a false front in a relationship always leads to bad shit. Keep it real g. =] See ya soon.


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We will also report to the NAACP and to Al Sharpton's entourage, how the Shroomery administrators allows their mods and members to be balatantly allowed the use of the 'N' word.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: Nemo_Hoes]
    #4126940 - 05/03/05 10:20 AM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

master_shake said:
above all stay real, putting up a false front in a relationship always leads to bad shit.




So true.

Above all, honesty. If you can't be honest with her without ruining the relationship, it isn't meant to be... because honesty is one of the most important components in any healthy relationship.


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Offlinetomk
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4128110 - 05/03/05 04:26 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Dude.

If you aren't happy in your relationship, getting rid of it won't solve all your problems.  You would just be trading one set of problems for another.  Rather then dealing with her constant company, you would just have to deal with your own company all the time.  Look at the way you are relating to the situation.  The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side.  Once you are alone every day, you start to want people around, then start to think I miss the sex, I miss seeing her everyday. 

It does sound like there are issues to be worked out.  Maybe you should break up with her.  But it won't get rid of all your problems, and will create a new set of problems.

Why in the hell would you support her while she is in college?  When she graduates, she might feel like she no longer relates to you since she has a degree, and you have 4 years of a 10-hr day wage slave job.  :thumbdown:


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


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Invisibletak
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tomk]
    #4128781 - 05/03/05 07:09 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

i agree with your tomk. while i have these feelings, i definately cant go without her, i could do it for a while, but i would miss all the stuff i take for granted right now.

as far as college goes, i just made her get some student loans because of this issue. if we are together, we will pay them back together, if not, its all her.

i think things will work out, i am just kinda nervous about this move, either it will change things for the better, or for the worse. I will try to let her become more independant, and able to have fun without me, and let her know its not bad to have fun w/o me. I am sure she needs time to do her stuff, she just doesnt know it yet ;]


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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Invisibletak
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4128784 - 05/03/05 07:10 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

oh, and masta_shake. when i get in town, its on like cheech and chong.


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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Offlinetomk
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4128837 - 05/03/05 07:21 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

You should also look closely at two other relationships. Look at the relationship she has with her family (which will tell you a lot about her neediness) and her parents relationships (which will tell you what her model of a relationship is) before deciding anything.

ETA: You 'made her' get loans? If your relationship is the type where you 'make' her do things, you should re-evaluate your role in all these problems too. You could be encouraging her emotional dependency.


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tomk]
    #4129341 - 05/03/05 09:35 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

Tomk, that is awesome advice. You rock. :thumbup: :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Invisibletak
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: Icelander]
    #4132440 - 05/04/05 02:09 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

her parents are divorced. i dont know her dad at all.

as far as the loans go, i didnt make her. i suggested it may help the stress levels, and she was like oh i never thought of that, and was more than happy to apply. i didnt make her, just offered the suggestion that it may infact help us pay the bills.

as far as with her family, she fights alot with her mom, but is very much dependant on her, gets what she wants always, and when seperated from her mom, she cannot hang. has never really been away from her.

fights with younger brother and sister in typical big sister kinda way, and doesnt do much contact with them otherwise.

brother and sister are same way. they will yell and scream to get what they want, and mom does it because "she loves them" and has never heard of the term "tough love"

its not my place to judge her parenting though, and that has nothing to do with this, just urks me a bit.

dont know what to make of all this, any interpretations?


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4133391 - 05/04/05 05:32 PM (11 years, 7 months ago)

its not my place to judge her parenting though, and that has nothing to do with this, 
____________________________________________________________________

That has alot to do with this. She is the result of the patterns established by the parenting she got. It can take a lot to change these things around. There is a saying to the effect that if you want to know what the daughter will be like look at the mother. Not always true of course but very often. Don't talk yourself into believing things that are not true. Take your time. Snap decisions are often cause for much regret and suffering. :heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinetomk
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: Icelander]
    #4135236 - 05/05/05 12:20 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Yeah.

What Icelander said.

Note that when she leaves her mom, you will largely replace her in terms of being the prime receipient of that mode of interaction.

You should spend some time in deep thought about this. Rather then think about it in the shallow superficial way that lets you talk yourself into the decision you have already made, do this. Go sit somewhere comfortable in a dark room to focus on the problem. Think about the situation, let a thought come into your head, and notice it. Then, move onto the next one. Do not try and direct your thoughts, just notice the noise in your head as you think about this problem. When you notice your mind has wandered, gently direct in back to focusing on the problem and continue to observe your thoughts. Really do this for 30 minutes a day, and after a week or so, you will be thinking a lot clearer about it.


--------------------
"I am eternally free"


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OfflinegeokillsA
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4135506 - 05/05/05 01:08 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Without the bitter, the sweet isn't as sweet!
Communication is of upmost importance in making any relationship work out for the better.

About these backpack excursions.. I think you should try to get her involved in them, share your interests with her, then she won't bitch 'cause she'll get to spend time with you, and you'll still get to do things that you like to do.  Of course, this involves compromise both ways, and you should reciprocate her willingness to engage in activities you enjoy that she is unfamiliar with or may not completely enjoy.  If you both trust each other, then you'll either have a great time backpacking together, or she'll let you go backpacking on your own (and for that matter, do quite a few things on your own) without any complaint.

I think the most important thing for you to do is to express your need for some solitude from time to time.  Explain that people do have different needs, and it's not like she can't trust you, just that you need some time to yourself to clear your head.  You'll have to word this delicately as not to inspire uncontrolled emotion, but it is important that she understands everyone needs their space... and again, it comes back to trust.  If she can trust you, and you her, you should be able to communicate these needs to her and she should be able to understand, or in the least, accept them.

Good luck bro!  Sounds like an exciting change :sun:
By the way, where are you moving to this time?
.. and when you gonna bring your girl out to cali to work the phones at your auto shop? :wink:


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Invisibletak
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: geokills]
    #4136549 - 05/05/05 08:38 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

shes scared of talking on the phone.


lol


thanks for the help everyone. much appreciated, and im going to work on it. :]


--------------------
The DJ's took pills to stay awake and play for seven days.


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: tak]
    #4136697 - 05/05/05 09:57 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

root-ninja-tak said:
shes scared of talking on the phone.




Wow.  :eek:

Good luck, bro... sounds like you'll need it.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: my girlfriend [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #4137067 - 05/05/05 12:13 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Ditto! Hope you can benifit from all the lessons you're about to get. :mushroom2:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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