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ahh this old thing, i was reading it just now and it peaked long dormant energies in my mind. sheesh, have i been guilty of not being myself. and therefore completely innocent.... i forgot why innocence is such a guilty pleasure.
i just diddnt think about it, its a good thing we have archives to root around in to remind us of our personal discoveries. it seems like so long ago. i wonder what ive done to make a year pass so slow, maybe i dont remember things and that makes recent events SEEM distant. my essence fades into twilight. i guess i must again thank the shroomery for its pressence in my otherwise seemingly unrecorded story.
so much is different now, likely it was the conception, gestation and birth of my daughter that has shifted my focus. now im focused on her well-being. and that's all, its a debilitating feeling, having my energies diverted from awareness to duity. my little girl you see is extremely ill. she needs open heart surgery and daily medication. she is currently hospitalized and i am alone here, keeping the home fires burning. i read the history. and it rings true to me, but fades behind the now just as quickly. uncertainty and dependance. my cage is complete. theres no breaking out now. the greater good ha been cemeted into its bars, and oh do they glisten with blood. stark and frigid, they warm me, sheerly by comparison.
i look to the furute, reluctantly. for it will decide my fate. and im resigned to it. on one hand, my little girl gets better, im prepaired for it, i count on it. there is no other hand for me. but nobody is spared that other hand. i cannot even consider it. i close my mind to it, i deny it. i am in denial. i KNOW i am in denial. and i ADMIT it. yet, still, it changes not that i am. denial is negative BTW, when your mind is blocked from feeling one way, lets say despair for sake of argument, your mind redirects that energy into whatever outlet is available. dreams, compulsive bahaviours, bodily functions. basically the parts of your brain you cannot control, the automatic mind. and therefore i am a robot. smiling, dreaming of the future, and falling apart phisically, feeling feverish, short of breath, weak. my wife has terrible dreams, gorey, bloddy dreams, she wont describe them beyond that. what i see of her is lavashed lovingly and joyously upon our blessing. what is hidden in us both, is universal destruction. the shadow of a future that may be, but we cannot see, for we simply cannot see it. i cannot.
its a debilitating feeling, having my energies diverted from awareness to duity. my little girl you see is extremely ill. she needs open heart surgery and daily medication. she is currently hospitalized and i am alone here, keeping the home fires burning. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, You have a new awareness to consider. The Spiritual path is never what we expected it to be. Always different and werd, not at all like we had planned it out. You are getting exact ally what is needed for your growth.
My heart goes out to you. I believe you are blessed.
-------------------- "Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.
" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.
With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC