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InvisibleLoosifa
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Registered: 05/26/04
Posts: 506
Loc: England (South) Flag
what the f**k am I gonna do?
    #3173905 - 09/24/04 08:45 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I've fallen in love with my best friend.
It's all a question of being honourable... my partner of 13 years has done nothing to deserve this. The man in question is his best friend too.
We (the other bloke and me) tripped last night, and the truth came out. No physical stuff happened, but alot of emotional stuff did. Neither of us want to hurt my partner, and the other guy's scared of getting hurt too, so I've potentially fucked up the two best people in my life.
The way I feel at the moment is that I should leave my partner, even if me and the other guy don't get together.
My partner doesn't know how I feel for sure, but he does suspect. I'm trying to act normal, so he doesn't worry.
I'm unbelievably confused. I feel like I'm drifting away from my partner. But I didn't mean for this to happen.
Thanks for listening.


--------------------
LURK


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OfflineTasty_Smurf_House
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Registered: 08/20/03
Posts: 8,657
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 5 years, 7 months
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3173909 - 09/24/04 08:48 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Is it really love?


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InvisibleLoosifa
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Registered: 05/26/04
Posts: 506
Loc: England (South) Flag
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #3173924 - 09/24/04 09:00 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Being honest? I don't know. But it's the most intense I can remember feeling since I met my partner. I've fancied lots of people, but nothing like this. There's a very deep connection.


--------------------
LURK


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Invisiblegoobler
Reanimated
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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 48,909
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3173953 - 09/24/04 09:19 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

before, after or during the trip...

makes a BIG difference


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InvisibleLoosifa
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Registered: 05/26/04
Posts: 506
Loc: England (South) Flag
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: goobler]
    #3173958 - 09/24/04 09:23 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

all three of the above. This has been building for weeks.


--------------------
LURK


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OfflineCaRnAgECaNdYS
Tool's groupie
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Registered: 04/09/04
Posts: 11,505
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Last seen: 3 months, 30 days
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3173974 - 09/24/04 09:30 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

It's common to fall for a close friend.
First deal with the relatinship you have now. If you don't want to be with your man, let him know...don't continue to go on as if nothing is wrong, that will only make things harder in the end. Once you've made up your mind about your current man, then it's safe to move on.


--------------------

The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.


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OfflineTasty_Smurf_House
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Registered: 08/20/03
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Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3173981 - 09/24/04 09:34 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Maybe you're tired of the one you love? Go for a vacation together or something. I don't know.


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Offlineagr8fulchick
Feed Your Head!

Registered: 08/19/04
Posts: 707
Loc: Stranded in Iowa
Last seen: 5 years, 1 month
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3174035 - 09/24/04 10:00 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I'd just die if I was your partner and you left me and then went off with our mutual friend, it would break my heart.
13 years is majorly different from "weeks" in my opinion. Drugs can bring out strong emotions, and I'd be really skeptical of starting any relationship based on someone I tripped with. Do you not love your partner anymore? If you don't love him, then you should leave him anyway. If you do love him, maybe you should take a break from this mutual friend for a while. Decide who you are going to love, and who is going to be your friend.
This has to be hard, I wish you the best of luck!  :goodluck:


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Invisiblebert
bodhi

Registered: 10/14/02
Posts: 2,819
Loc: state
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3175145 - 09/24/04 03:30 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

I predict that if you leave you partner of 13 years for his best friend, he will be emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. He might kill himself or become an alcoholic.

Do you have children together?

If I were you I would wait at least another month and see how you feel then. Give yourself time to cool off. And lay off the psychedelics while you are making important life decisions. If you still feel that way then you should look out for your own needs as well...


--------------------
Persons denying the existence of robots may be robots themselves.


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OfflineAmericaNightmare
fiend

Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 1,195
Loc: The Hyacinth House
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: bert]
    #3175192 - 09/24/04 03:38 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

bert said:
And lay off the psychedelics while you are making important life decisions.




the man has a good point.


--------------------
Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart, I'll get to walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said? Walk beside him in the Kingdom of Heaven. Well, kiss my crippled ass. God is listening. What a crock of shit.
--Lieutenant Dan


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OfflineKidShelleen
watch thesensations
Registered: 09/20/04
Posts: 88
Last seen: 10 years, 27 days
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3176098 - 09/24/04 07:18 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Tough one, Loosifa.
You have a prior commitment to your partner. That doesn't mean you can never leave him, but it should mean he gets some priority over the new love.

I'm with Desiree and agr8tfulchick. I think you need to decide what you would do with your partner in the absence of the new love. If you love him and would stay with him in the absence of the new guy, that's what you should do.

As for the feelings of the new love, they ought to come second to your partner's. After all, he KNEW you were involved in a long-term relationship. He took the risk. AND he's your partner's friend. Your partner is innocent.

It seems to me that unless your partner is open to the idea of a polyamorous arrangement, you need to tell the new guy to give you some space so you can discover what's up with your existing relationship. If he really loves you, he should be willing to back way off and wait.

KS


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OfflineBarbi
Plastic Person

Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 12,976
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3176349 - 09/24/04 08:34 PM (12 years, 5 months ago)

go to marriage counseling.

see a therapist.


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Offlinediscoabe
Stranger

Registered: 03/26/04
Posts: 674
Loc: Nevada
Last seen: 11 years, 5 months
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3177369 - 09/25/04 01:10 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Make sure it's love and not lust.


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OfflineThe_Red_Crayon
Exposer of Truth
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Registered: 08/13/03
Posts: 13,673
Loc: Smokey Mtns. TN Flag
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Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3177823 - 09/25/04 03:29 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

as crosby,stills,nash and young would say. if you cant be with the one you love just love the one your with.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
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Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,198
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Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: bert]
    #3177849 - 09/25/04 03:37 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

So she should sacrafice her own needs and stay with someone she doesn't want anymore just to protect his emotions? Sounds like a bad idea to me. Yeah, I bet that being dumped after 13 years for your best friend would really really hurt, but what would hurt just as much or more is staying in something you don't want to be in anymore and constantly regretting not taking the opportunity that presented itself to you.

I don't advocate any specific decision, although I think you probably need to take a few days alone, some serious quiet contemplation to figure this thing out. Take a few days away from both of them and see how you feel after being alone for awhile. If you really are in love with your best friend and strongly feel that the best decision is to break up with your partner of 13 years to see this person, do it and mean it. But sit on it until you get some time to think calmly and without the influence of either of thier energies around you.


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OfflineWorf
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Registered: 07/04/04
Posts: 15,663
Loc: Final Frontier
Last seen: 4 years, 10 days
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3184609 - 09/27/04 01:48 AM (12 years, 5 months ago)

Do you have any children? are you married to this 'partner'?

I would be sure to talk to your partner about it. Its not very fair to him to be left out in the dark. If you don't like your partner anymore, there isn't any reason to lead him on or stay with him any longer. Breaking up is probably one of the most emotionally stressful things that can happen but sometimes it has to happen.

Sometimes if you're put under a spell like that, it's good to get out of town for a week to just get your mind clear and off of it.


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Offlinegnrm23
Carpal Tunnel
Registered: 08/30/99
Posts: 6,481
Loc: n. e. OH, USSA
Last seen: 1 month, 5 days
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3186462 - 09/27/04 03:28 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

well, lou...

if you can find a sensitive therapist, it might be worth while to go to a few sessions to try & figure out where you are right now, and where you are headed...
~
& if you can begin to make sense of where you are, then maybe you can try to figure out where your relationship is going, eh?
~
(i am not absolutely certain, but i get the impression you are a fellow also... which isn't to say that breakups in "gay" relationships are any less heart-rending than "straight" breakups...)


--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care


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InvisibleLoosifa
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Registered: 05/26/04
Posts: 506
Loc: England (South) Flag
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3214387 - 10/04/04 05:01 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Thanks, everyone, for being there. Fiend, you made me laugh! It's a thought!!!!!
Here's an upbeat update on the situation...
things are a bit better sussed out now. I've been so noble that you wouldn't believe it! Yes, I am in love with my best friend, but I can handle it. It will pass, and, most importantly, I get to keep my best friend in the whole world, AND work out the partner problems.
Me and the other bloke have tripped long and hard, and we are very attached, mentally more than anything. It's not really to do with sex. We haven't so much as snogged. We are too close not to have talked,and it will work itself out.
We've decided to not trip together for a good while, as that's when the feelings get out of control. It's the first time I've loved someone unselfishly, unjealously. He's been great, and nobody has got badly hurt. I'm spending more time with my partner, and not taking anything out on anyone. I can see the whole thing with a kind of clarity... we have done the right thing.
Usually I'm really impulsive, but I'm proud to say that, for once, I held it together.
I'll get over it.....
Thanks again, all. Shrooms rock mightily. So do you.


--------------------
LURK


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InvisibleLoosifa
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Registered: 05/26/04
Posts: 506
Loc: England (South) Flag
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: gnrm23]
    #3214403 - 10/04/04 05:05 PM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Oh yeah, gnrm23, I'm a girlie. Perhaps not the most feminine or young girlie in the world, but still female!!


--------------------
LURK


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OfflinePhishgrrl
Walking in thetall trees...
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Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 5,079
Last seen: 11 years, 8 months
Re: what the f**k am I gonna do? [Re: Loosifa]
    #3216175 - 10/05/04 12:08 AM (12 years, 4 months ago)

Good luck! Keep us updated. We are here for you!


--------------------
Once in awhile you can get shown the light

In the strangest of places if you look at it right...



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