Auto-SummaryThis forum post recounts a painful breakup after years of a tumultuous relationship. The author, who viewed the relationship as equal, felt betrayed by his partner's actions, including her affair with a manipulative man and her refusal to acknowledge their good times. The author is struggling financially and mentally, considering disability benefits from his mother, who insists on self-reliance. Despite the emotional turmoil, the author finds solace in distracting himself through music, writing, and planning for a new apartment and adding a pet. The post highlights the author's resilience and determination to move forward despite the challenges, while acknowledging the severity of his anxiety and panic attacks.
She's on the lease and I'm not, she said she wont leave me homeless but after we grew distant in the last year when she was so busy and didn't articulate her feelings- all this nasty rage came out,
I am 'the man'(in the literal sense, I viewed us as equals) in the relationship but she's the one that would yell, now she's acting like there were many bad years when at first she said PART OF ONE.
She's maturing but she's using words like guilt and invalidate like buzzwords. I say something for her to consider "guilt guilt guilt"
"Well I feel guilty, I accept my mistakes"
"GOOD"
She went to talk to some old weirdo that rotates girls, nothing against any poly people of course, but this guy is a creep and he undermined me for a year, on stupid fucking facebook. She met for coffee with him but nothing happened she then realized she was confused, went to her parents for a week and said we'd work on it, then she dumped me.
I'm out of work atm and only working a little under the table. My Mom lives 5 hours away, my one brother has three kids and my other brother has a 1bdrm and he's got his own issues.
My Mom and ex are going to pay April with me. But there's fuck all for work here, I've been struggling with mental illness for years and my Mom suggested disability which is pretty easy to get here in Canada but I always saw myself as someone who would find his own way. Asking my Mom for help is bad enough.
But she said basically you're not stable and if you are going to go back to school or DO ANYTHING you need to GET WELL FIRST.
We had so many good times, and now out of bitterness she wont acknowledge them, I was closer to her than anyone in the world except for family and it was intimate love, a whole other bag.
I could have broken up with her many times but I stuck it out through her anger issues, helped her get into healthy eating, she got in better shape and felt better, helped her with sexual hangups from abuse in a very slow and measured manner... all of these things improved her life and made us both happier.
I have to admit when she took them and said now I wont have to come back here anytime soon it was a relief. I've read about avoidance and TRUST ME IT HELPS. I'm also popping someone else's ativan, just got another 3 and I'm waiting on phenibut. I know what some of you are thinking but I'm going to only take a bit, I will not get fucked up- I'm trying to avoid panic attacks. I'm trying to avoid killing myself.
If I get the phenibut I'll get some shitty job for the meantime but as much as I sorta feel ashamed my mom is pushing me to take the disability and she's not some moocher, she believes in hard work and making your own way, but not this time.
And the performance piece ... seemed for the benefit? or entertainment of the girl she brought with he, she was being tough.
She shared a pic about female empowerment as if I'm against that, she wouldn't even read the book her employer got her, she doesn't watch the news, doesn't really know anything much about women's issues, I'm the politics nerd.
That hurts,my Dad used to yell at EVERYONE-ALL THE FUCKING TIME, so I NEVER YELL, I'll yell if someone goes at me, and at me and at me again... she was the one with anger problems, and they didn't get better over the years. I feel so betrayed and I don't know how people get over this kinda divorce, cause that's what it is, a common law divorce. I looked at some online dating shit just to remind myself cute girls with interests and personalities still exist. Sounds dumb but just a half hour of looking around made me feel really good. I get tough and tell my friends my plan, need a car, gotta do this, gotta do that, back to school for a bit and so on. Then I am returning from the store and I hit the bottom of the stairs and can't breathe, note I said the bottom, I didn't even take a step up and I had to steady myself.
That was my second panic attack. I had the first one years ago.
I wake up with my heart beating like I'm having a small one, and it passes quickly. I can deal with depression, I've done it for years. But the panic and anxiety is too much.
I did peak in her computer when this was all going wrong, when I saw that guy said
"so he forced you to make a choice" What? cause you wanted to fuck my gf of 8 years?
"well now look who's sad...me" he says.
"Well I'd be the one who is sad throwing away an 8 year relationship"
"I respect your lifestyle blah blah"
Right then I could have made some grand gesture but she was already going to her parents and said "we'll work on it"
I'm sorry even my writing probably seems sloppy and disordered atm
In short, HOW DO YOU MOVE ON FROM SOMETHING SO LONG WITHOUT KILLING YOURSELF OR GOING NUTS. Yes I distract myself and practice avoidance, yes I will hang out with friends,...
but idk if it's enough. She could kick me out next month, or she might do what she said. The landlord may discover I have a cat(no no) but it's illegal to say no pets here, STILL I DON'T NEED THE AGGRESSION FROM THE LL-
The one remaining cat often wanders around looking for his pals. I gotta get into a new apt and get him a friend. maybe even a ferret or some shit?,idk.
I am an introvert so I THINK I'll be able to handle this easier than some people, and with how mean she's being it's really killing the feelings of wanting her back, so I would love to care about other girls(in time) but i have zero-zero libido atm. NOTHING. And that's completely abnormal for me as I get hard all the time really easily, heh.
I do make music, and I do write a little comedy and I want to learn animation skills.... but right now all I want to do is sedate myself and distract myself until this is easier.
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