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 Ravus
Not an EggshellWalker
Registered: 07/18/03
Posts: 7,991
Loc: Cave of the Patriarchs
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 Re: Love makes me feel pathetic.  [Re: Viaggio]
#2608308 - 04/27/04 07:53 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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I know exactly what you're feeling man. I hated it, and to solve it I became extremely anti social and introverted, never talked to anyone, just sat around for months hoping it would pass, trying to degrade her and rid her in my mind until the feeling left
It finally did. Being subjected to that kind of weakness is sickening at best
Though you may change your stance, a few kind words would never change the fact that it was a horrible feeling for me. I don't even care about control; it's just consciously sickening to desire for another human being. Change the mindset, forget her and continue on
This may not work for everyone, however. It required constant vigilance of the mind and willpower of thoughts, else I would slip back hopelessly into that void
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So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.
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 Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: tezcatlipoca]
#2611176 - 04/28/04 11:43 AM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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tez, I know, I know...time. Can do.
Ravus, I'm glad you understand the feeling of desire/dependence for/on another human being. It can be so sickening...and beautiful (which is why I submit to the trials).
Update: Things are much better and calmer 
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2615036 - 04/29/04 04:26 AM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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I left her bed just 15 minutes ago...ugh...5 in the morning and I find myself home and on this message board. I always sleep a her place, but I had to leave. There are things about her personality that are beginning to bother me more. Yeah, she asked me to come back to bed, but I knew that I shouldn't.
Garbage in no particular order:
1. Despite her age (29), she can be very immature. Of course we all have our moments, but she has a few more which places a question mark on her level. She can be so ugly when talking about people...so quick to judge...never considers the other perspectives.
2. Her anxiety...when she's stressed, she blows things out of proportion in her mind and follows them up with paranoid trains of thought. She worries so much too. And gets mad so easily.
3. She's afraid to commit, but gets so mad and jealous. Then she makes attempts to control me. Why should I subject myself to that? I love her, and she's afraid to even admit she cares about me...I think that fear links to the maturity issue.
I felt bad for leaving her alone. She's probably crying herself to sleep. Maybe I'm an ass...I couldn't sleep in bed with her mad at me. And the things listed above were keeping me awake...maybe I left for attention?
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2615095 - 04/29/04 05:26 AM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
viaggio said:
I left her bed just 15 minutes ago...ugh...5 in the morning and I find myself home and on this message board. I always sleep a her place, but I had to leave. There are things about her personality that are beginning to bother me more. Yeah, she asked me to come back to bed, but I knew that I shouldn't.
Garbage in no particular order:
1. Despite her age (29), she can be very immature. Of course we all have our moments, but she has a few more which places a question mark on her level. She can be so ugly when talking about people...so quick to judge...never considers the other perspectives.
2. Her anxiety...when she's stressed, she blows things out of proportion in her mind and follows them up with paranoid trains of thought. She worries so much too. And gets mad so easily.
3. She's afraid to commit, but gets so mad and jealous. Then she makes attempts to control me. Why should I subject myself to that? I love her, and she's afraid to even admit she cares about me...I think that fear links to the maturity issue.
I felt bad for leaving her alone. She's probably crying herself to sleep. Maybe I'm an ass...I couldn't sleep in bed with her mad at me. And the things listed above were keeping me awake...maybe I left for attention?
I have to be honest. Those three things you mentioned sound alot like personality traits girls in my high school used to have. So it's possible that she *is* a little immature. (keep in mind, I don't know her...I'm just going off what you wrote)
A question: What does she usually get pissy about with you? It could be a sign of her just settling into the relationship...testing boundaries and stuff. I did alot of boundary-testing with my husband when we first got together three years ago. I never do it now though, because of the mutual respect for one another that we have and because, well, quite frankly I've grown up alot since then.
Is it possible that maybe she doesn't have alot of life-experience? I mean, she's 29 but maybe she just hasn't had to make any sacrifices or faced any challenges in her life.
It sounds like the both of you are trying to settle into this relationship and find a comfort zone. I wouldn't write her off just yet. Relationships are never gonna be perfect...but if you are more unhappy then happy when you are with her, maybe you should reassess the situation.
good luck and keep us posted
*me*
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Ravus
Not an EggshellWalker
Registered: 07/18/03
Posts: 7,991
Loc: Cave of the Patriarchs
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2627726 - 05/02/04 11:20 AM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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If these traits annoy you now, it'd be wise to think more before going into a true long relationship with her.
Annoying personality traits usually only get more unbearable over time, and even start to overcome the good ones. A major reason why there is so many divorces, why people break up, why friends often end up ignoring each other, because as time goes on the other person, rather than getting better, starts to appear actually worse (even if they are really staying the same.)
If only beyond the passion and love of the moment, we could look 20 years into the future to see that person before marrying them
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So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Ravus]
#2628721 - 05/02/04 05:53 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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I know what you mean, Ravus. Trouble is...I'm attached. Maybe I can learn to take the good with the bad. And the story continues...
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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RuNE
bomberman
Registered: 09/23/00
Posts: 2,331
Loc: tartarus
Last seen: 7 years, 3 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2638297 - 05/04/04 07:05 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Did her parents die when she was younger?
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~Happy sailing~
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: RuNE]
#2638690 - 05/04/04 08:28 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Nope. They divorced when she was a teen though.
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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nycomyco
Stranger
Registered: 11/13/03
Posts: 651
Loc: PA
Last seen: 6 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2639257 - 05/04/04 10:51 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Sounds like she cares about you, man, but I guess you know that. Some of us, like myself, can become controlled by worrying- waiting by the phone and refreshing the email every 5 minutes, bu this only leads to way too much frustration and potential resentment. This can only become worse when the person is actually overcontrolling in nature, otherwise it becomes absurd and you get over it and learn to trust her and deal with missing. It sounds like she's got you in a place where you are constantly worrying, and who knows she may feel bad about that, but she is not being mature. Just remember that you have control over yourself. I think its a better idea to speak frankly with her about some of the more persistent problems you are having with her- don't worry about criticizing her- if she cares about you, she'll take it. If not, you'll end up resenting her and that may destroy what could potentially be a good relationship, and will certainly make you feel more desperate.
Sorry if I sound like a shrink! I can understand where you're coming from though.
Good luck- you'll do what you have to
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: nycomyco]
#2639334 - 05/04/04 11:07 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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nycomyco, I like your suggestion. I need to be more frank with her. I try to avoid saying things I know will hurt her, so I sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells. But no more 
Thanks
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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 Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2649668 - 05/07/04 10:51 AM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Man, I'm hurtin'. She's been a bit distant the past few days. And her tone has changed. Any phonecalls between us start with me. She doesn't have me over everynight like she used to. When I questioned why things seem different, she answerd that she's a busy woman and the initial excitement of being with someone new has worn down and it's time for "healthy space." I guess I understand, but it's terrible for me. Being with her has been the higlight of my days. So now...I feel hurt. I need something to ditract/dettach me from this pain (besides sleep). 
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2649714 - 05/07/04 11:14 AM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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It sounds like she has taken all your attention for granted. I have a suggestion. This will be hard, but stop calling her. Take control of this situation. If she's pulling away from you, do the same damn thing. One of two things will happen:
1.) She'll realize that you aren't clamoring at her heels and kissing her ass anymore. She'll be driven to try and exert her position in your life again and then all will be as it was.
or
2.) The two of you will simply drift apart by a mutual silence.
I'm guessing that #1 is more likely, since girls feel incredibly threatened when they think a guy has stopped worshipping/caring for them. It's fucked up, isn't it? How a girl expects you to follow her around salivating after her and then she orders you to heel whenever she feels like it. I get really disappointed in my gender when I hear stuff like this.
To tell the truth man, this doesn't sound like a good relationship to me. I've been following this thread for awhile, and I know that you care deeply for her, but look what she is doing. Sounds like she's yanking your strings, making you jump to please whatever whim she has. It doesn't seem like a relationship of equal partnership to me and even more, it doesn't seem like you are that happy with it. To me, it seems like you care for the girl, just not the relationship you have with her.
I think that she is treating you VERY unfairly, and I think she might be playing female-games with your head. (and heart)
So like I said, maybe you should ease off a bit and give her what she wants. Don't call her. It will be hard, but DON'T give in. Get a new hobby or something, and keep busy and it will be easier to resist giving her a call. Just back off, and see what happens.
Good luck! 
*me*
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: MOTH]
#2649844 - 05/07/04 12:07 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Thanks, Ellemysh. Everything you said makes a lot of sense so I'm taking your advice.
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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John
ssdp.org
Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 7,026
Loc: Vancouver, B.C.
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2649911 - 05/07/04 12:23 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
...but 6 weeks in, I assumed it was safe to tell her. Eh..."I love yous" don't always come at the same time I guess.
so she didn't say it back? that's imo a good thing in a way, i mean sure it would've been great if she fells the same way but if she dosn't at least she didn't lie. the first time a girl ever told me she loved me i still didn't even know what love was and sure didn't love her, liked her a whole lot but not love. anyway one day over the phone i say bye and she says i love you, i just didn't want to hurt her feelings so i said it back, after that it was just something we said to each other, i never did get a chance to fall in love with her and never did i just always said it because it was somewhat expected, ya know. the point of this thread has changed but that part just stuck out to me 
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There's a thin line between sanity and insanity... and I just snorted it.
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nycomyco
Stranger
Registered: 11/13/03
Posts: 651
Loc: PA
Last seen: 6 years, 2 months
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Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: Viaggio]
#2654164 - 05/08/04 05:18 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Ellemysh's got it right. I dealt with a girl who did that hot-cold back and forth BS for about a year. If it's coming to the point where you don't know what to expect from her, you need to start treating her like she's treating you, like Ellemysh said. Believe me, you'll find someone who will treat you better and then you'll realize how ridiculous it was. You sound like the kind of guy who can love a lot, so don't waste it. It's tough, but you'll get over her if you know you should.
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Viaggio
ChemicalConsumer
Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 17 years, 2 months
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 Re: Love makes me feel pathetic. [Re: nycomyco]
#2654556 - 05/08/04 07:08 PM (19 years, 1 month ago) |
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Yeah, nycomyco, she's back and forth. It's a little stressful. She called me last night to come over and was more affectionate than she's been in a while. Back and forth...wheee 
All I can do is go with the flow, be frank, and take her off this pedestal I put her on. She's actually damn lucky to have someone like me (yes, ladies...I'm quite the gem). 
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"...yet another in a long series of diversions an attempt to avoid responsibility."
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