Auto-SummaryMcLarry recounts a transformative and surreal psychedelic experience from their early 20s, where they consumed 5g of dried Cubensis using the Lemon Tek method. Seeking a mystical or divine encounter, they ended up experiencing what they describe as "ego amnesia," a state of complete disconnection from self and surroundings, followed by a return to bodily awareness and a profound sense of gratitude for existence. The trip took a darker turn as they felt an overwhelming desire, which they interpreted as a "demonic" urge, eventually leading to a realization about the nature of desire and self. Though the experience didn’t fulfill their initial hope of meeting God, they found it valuable in understanding desire and the essence of being. The next morning, they woke with a headache, likely from dehydration, and reflected on the insights gained from the journey.
This experience happened several years ago, when I was around 20 years old and still living with my parents.
For preparation, all I did was grow the mushrooms. It was my first batch. I had taken mushrooms twice before: once in Amsterdam with friends and once on another occasion also with friends.
This time I took the 5g using the Lemon Tek.
Back then, I had this feeling that I needed to do something big. I wanted to experience something mystical, something devine. I thought that if I just took enough, it would be like Neo taking the red pill. At the time, I believed I needed something external to achieve that, and that external thing for me was mushrooms. Now I know that I never needed anything outside of myself to experience something higher and profound.
I wanted to follow Terence McKenna's advice of taking 5 g in complete darkness, but in the end, I couldn't stick to it.
I took the mushrooms at night, after my parents had gone to sleep. They were in the house with me the whole time, I just didn't really care. I then lay down on my bed in my dark room and waited. It didn't take long for something to happen. During the come-up, which didn't last very long, I experienced one or two brain zaps. They felt like electric discharges in my brain. They didn't hurt, but they were really weird and a bit frightening. They came several times during the whole trip, I cannot remember when exactly but it was a few times more.
I suddenly was in a black room. A void. I didn't know who I was, what I was, or where I was. I didn't know anything. I just was, without a body, in complete darkness, in a void. It didn't feel bad. I just couldn't understand how it was possible not to know who or what you are. (To be honest, I still don't KNOW exactly what I am.) I was chilling there in the darkness, as I could not do or know anything for who knows how long. It was just being but that was also everything it was.
This was probably what people refer to as ego death, but I prefer the term *ego amnesia*, because the ego comes back in full force.
Well, I eventually realized that I wasn't actually in a void. I had simply closed my eyes in my dark room. But before that, I hadn't even known that I had eyes. I just was. And when I opened my eyelids I noticed them and I noticed that I wasn't actually in a void, I had just closed my eyes.
So afterwards I started to reconquer my body, feeling it as if for the first time. There must have been some sort of light source, as I was able to see my hands and so they were with what I started. I used them, moved them, wiggled my fingers, and was astonished by it. It felt like I never had hands before.
I was astonished that I even had something like hands that I could use. Before that, I had nothing. Just being, without knowing anything.
Just existing for the sake of existing is cool, but it's also pretty pointless. So I was grateful for my body to be able to move, to do anything. I think I cannot really bring this point across with the heaviness of this feeling.
I then stood up and turned on the light. I started moving my whole body. Using it. Dancing. I was grateful for it. Just a few minutes earlier, I hadn't even known I had one.
I was laughing the whole time, quietly (which was for the better, because things could have ended really badly otherwise as my parents were not far from my room). I was extremely happy and full of joy, simply because I existed and had a body. It's the most normal thing in the world for everyone else, but when you suddenly find yourself without one, things change.
While standing next to my bed, I came to the conclusion that I was God. It was an absolute certainty for me. I tried writing down what I was experiencing. Shortly afterward, I started laughing even harder because I realized that only a fool could believe he was God.
I realized that tears were running down my face. I was constantly sniffing, and I had to pee. I assumed these were dehydrating effects of the mushrooms. I went to the toilet, hoping I wouldn't get busted, and returned to my room. I had to do this several times over the next few hours.
I just chilled in my room, experiencing life and coming up with theories. They were still related to the idea of humans being God, but in a different way: that we aren't really God ourselves, but rather part of it, and so on. If I ever find what I wrote down again I will update.
After a while, when it was already getting pretty late and I had turned off the light, I was overcome by a powerful force. In the darkness, I became a demon. I crawled onto the bed on all fours, grasping and gripping my bedsheets. I was overcome by an extreme urge, an overwhelming desire. I wanted to take something into my possession.
While in this position, I repeated the words "I must have it" over and over again. This was about desire itself. That was the demonic thing: desire.
After a while, although I can't say exactly how long I did this, the desire transformed into a desire for femininity. I wanted to take it into my possession. I never stopped repeating the words during it.
I then came back to my senses, so to speak, and most of the psychedelic effects slowly began to diminish. The trip ended around 5 a.m., and I finally went to sleep.
After a few hours, I woke up with a severe headache. I had forgotten to drink enough water, and I think that was what caused it.
I had learned a few things about desire and just being itself. I hadn't had the experience I had hoped for. I wanted to meet God. But this experience was still valuable to me.
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