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Self Doubt and Depression
    #29675315 -

I have pretty much always been self confident and wanting to have a lot of change and could always figure things out by myself, be it tech or my own self doubt and move on. I work as an IT admin for a mid sized company as the sole  IT person and responsible for everything.
Last October there was a ransomware attack at the office and I became responsible for the entire future of the company. I think this event counts as a PTSD event because I have never been as stressed and I have never lost that much sleep over anything. I still cannot sleep well during the week, dread going into the office and am doubting my abilities more than ever even though we only lost about a weeks worth of data/office days.
I really don't find much joy in anything. I had started microdosing and it seemed to help, but my source has dried up after I started my month off from the routine. I am falling back into poor eating habits, feeling depressed and not having any motivation whatsoever.
I am in counselling with a therapist every two weeks, but I still feel lost and without direction.
I am also doubting my ability to have a successful first grow of mushrooms and it will be another in a long list of failures. I thought life was supposed to get better the older and wiser I have gotten....not seeing it.


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69] * 1
    #29675388 -

That sounds like a rough thing to go through. But it seems like you handled that situation in that company you work for well... Still a stressful thing to experience and to deal with.

I don't know who said that life gets better the older and wiser you get. I don't believe that to be necessarily true.

However try not to see failures before they happened and even if they happen learn the art to move on and try again. I am sure you'll succeed with your grow, all the help you need is right at your fingertips here at the shroomery.

Hold your head up, you got this! Eventually you'll see light at the end of the tunnel!

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: RiPpLeZzZ]
    #29675413 -

I used to have the move on mentality, but I have been getting in my own way a lot of the time I am finding out. I can also no longer shut my brain off after work or while I am in bed trying to sleep. Meditation worked for a while, but then I couldn't shut my brain off then either so I gave up because it was so frustrating.


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29675617 -

Any way to bump up the counseling frequency? Weekly sounds like it would be worth a try if things are going in the wrong direction

With meditation there are many different types. If you really struggle with the mental chatter a mantra based one (NSR, trancendental etc.) can be helpful.

It's always hard to help in these situations because different things work for different people. I can ask you a question your therapist has probably already asked you though.. have you ever been through a similar period in your life, and if so what helped you get out of it then?

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: feevers]
    #29675687 -

I am not sure about weekly unless I really went into it with an agenda. I generally like the free flowing confessional type of thing and we generally get into something I am struggling with.

I have never been through any sort of depression like this where I am just a zombie during the day where I dread every interaction of thinking about my job.


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29675822 -

bro get the fuck out of there. you work in IT - IT people are wanted literally fucking EVERYWHERE!!! Everyone wants to hire IT. Id quit in a heartbeat if I had that to put on my resume.

Im in the same boat as you in that work has been consuming my entire life, but I am totally fucking pigenholed and might as well start a new career rather than try and transfer my skills in the same industry. If I were you Id bail posthaste. I still think about just walking out every other day and just leaving it all behind . BYE FELICA.


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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Mickalopagus]
    #29675976 -

Easier said than done at 64. Being a one man IT department with lots of experience, but no formal education or certs seems to be the barrier. If people tell you ageism isn't a thing they are lying. The only want a 20-30 something that isn't close to retirement


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29676620 -

Could see that presenting its own issues. How close are you to retirement? Could you just call it?

I mean dude, at 64 you shouldn’t be stressin, shit happens, and could’ve been way worse from how you describe it.


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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Mickalopagus]
    #29677075 -

I will probably have to wait until 70, but there are other factors like downsizing in this market that seems like we wouldn't even break even getting into a smaller home. I also have a lot of debt and a HELOC to take care of before we can get out of here.


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29677979 -

Gotcha. Well 6 years away.

Look if there’s anything you shouldn’t let work do it’s define you and your life. It’s work, and that’s it. They pay you, you do the best job you can, end of story. I’m talking to myself a bit here by the way, so keep that in mind.. :smirk:

Don’t punish yourself for all the assholes out there.ransomware attacks are rampant and the shits probably gonna get worse with time as criminals use AI.if your midsize company made you the Sole barrier to all the hackers out there, that’s on them. Most places employ teams of people and a multifaceted approach.

Do what I’m trying to do, go in, do your 9, and leave your work when you leave. If people are contacting you after hours, tell your CFO or whoever that your company needs more help for xyz reasons. Don’t just be the workhorse that kills itself working 7 days a week 12 hours a day. Done in your 30s, after that we gotta work smarter, myself included.

And if they can’t accommodate that need for extra hands, that’s their problem, not yours.


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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Mickalopagus]
    #29679453 -

Yeah that's rough man. And yeah, anything can cause PTSD, it's an issue with the brain not processing the memory. It's not always the typical shell shock or near death experience.

The quickest fix for PTSD afaik is EMDR although it's not always a clear cut thing. If your psych has told you you have PTSD that may be more helpful than talk therapy. Although talk therapy can work too as a PTSD thing but it's generally taken longer and has to be deliberate.

Just came here to say I see you. It's difficult


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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: ellamush]
    #29680195 -

Best ptsd treatment is rapid eye movement therapy.


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The better guide to grow mushrooms.
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/8553541

Beware the power of one.  The power of two. The power of many.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: vicepope]
    #29680198 -

It's like that. Not quite REM


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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29680994 -

Sounds really stressful,  maybe things will turn around automatically.


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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29681948 -

Rocknbob69 said:
I can also no longer shut my brain off after work or while I am in bed trying to sleep. Meditation worked for a while, but then I couldn't shut my brain off then either so I gave up because it was so frustrating.


Trying to "shut off" your brain is rocket fuel to make it churn stronger.

It's called a nervous system for a reason. Relax and let it do it's thing.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #29682088 -

Easier said than done. I did try again last night and focusing on box breathing which seemed to help somewhat


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29682224 -

Clipping your toenails is easier said than done.  Nobody said it was easy.

That said, not being upset about monkey mind chatter is easier than making a cake.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29688521 -

You're only on your first year. I was insane and suicidal by the time the first year anniversary rolled around. It is what it is. The good news is that you're in the hardest part of the whole thing. You're close to breaking through to the next stage but you gotta keep pushing forward and sticking with the therapy.


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This post already exists :goat:

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: islandsss]
    #29691650 -

I have been going to therapy off and on for the last 5 years. It has helped with the relationship with my wife, but I am slipping back into old habits and being a shitty human, but the depression isn't going anywhere. It is a work in progress I guess.


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I have gone down the mycology rabbit hole and would like to learn more.

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Re: Self Doubt and Depression [Re: Rocknbob69]
    #29694816 -

sometimes these things just take time. I don't know what to say if nothings working. Do you think you have clinical depression or just regular old depression?


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