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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9] * 7
    #29651233 -

I confess I don't really know how the confessional works. I was raised Lutheran and don't believe in anything except love now.

So, I've  worked in a fairly remote area over the last 15 years. A neighbor came around early on to say Hi and we became fast friends. He was 22 years my senior, but we spoke like equals. This dude was from Texas and I'm from Deep South U.S. so that was a bond (we're central Europe).

We talked about all kinds of deep shit over the years. This fella probably had an IQ of 150+. Over last Christmas he had some health issues and relocated from a top floor apartment in a castle to semi- assisted living in town.

I was going to help him hang his art. Bought all the hangers. Just line up the date.

Motherfucker died day before yesterday. We spoke about 2 weeks ago. I texted after to tell him "love you". But I didn't hang his art or see his new place. We had a great run but goddammit how was I too busy to see him in his new place and hang his fucking shit. Mrs. Bluescreen did manage to get over there early on but fuck.

He did talk about being connected on the "other side" and strongly advised against pursuing that. Doors that don't close. I'm hoping to see him around if all that's true.


--------------------

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: bluescreen] * 2
    #29651244 -

Well in Catholicism you are born with shame and then you need to have it washed off so can you accumulate more and more of it until you have to go to a confessional. That way you could unload your shame and build up more.
But it's all good because you could pay for absolution.
So you know it's whatever.
Welcome to the mess.


--------------------

The Shroomery Manual
Wanna Play?
Dream Interpretation
GCโ€™s Ayahuasca Recipe
Free Therapy

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: GenesisCorrupted]
    #29651255 -

I had a forgotten jar of KSAT spawn and week old left over coir. The coir smelled a bit swampy but I said fuck it and used it anyway. Not expecting much but I'll see how it goes I guess.


--------------------
Pastywhyteโ€™s Ez dialed monotubs
My Miraculix Potency Test Results
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Shroomery
My Museum





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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: bluescreen] * 2
    #29651270 -

bluescreen said:
I confess I don't really know how the confessional works. I was raised Lutheran and don't believe in anything except love now.

So, I've  worked in a fairly remote area over the last 15 years. A neighbor came around early on to say Hi and we became fast friends. He was 22 years my senior, but we spoke like equals. This dude was from Texas and I'm from Deep South U.S. so that was a bond (we're central Europe).

We talked about all kinds of deep shit over the years. This fella probably had an IQ of 150+. Over last Christmas he had some health issues and relocated from a top floor apartment in a castle to semi- assisted living in town.

I was going to help him hang his art. Bought all the hangers. Just line up the date.

Motherfucker died day before yesterday. We spoke about 2 weeks ago. I texted after to tell him "love you". But I didn't hang his art or see his new place. We had a great run but goddammit how was I too busy to see him in his new place and hang his fucking shit. Mrs. Bluescreen did manage to get over there early on but fuck.

He did talk about being connected on the "other side" and strongly advised against pursuing that. Doors that don't close. I'm hoping to see him around if all that's true.


Damn. I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like he lived a life full of art and castles, and that you were a bright spot in it. You made sure he knew you love him. Brave, these days! That's what counts.

<3

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 4
    #29651369 -

Ive yet to lose anyone and feel an absolute sense of closure and contentment in my time and dealings with that person.  I just dont think its possible. Theres always things you wish you would have said or done.  Always wish you'd have been there just a little bit more.  Doing your best to connect with people is the best you can do pard but god i know it doesnt ever feel that way when they pass.  Ive lost so many now that i think ive had the time to begin to reconcile my feelings around death.  I ask myself "was it ever quite enough? What would have been enough?"

Cant ever get enough of what never satisfied in the first place so you satisfy yourself with what little you had--and count yourself lucky to have known them at all. 


Anyway blue, sorry for that one.  Try not to let it haunt you long, but i know you will anyhow.  Love you bud.


--------------------
Need a lift?

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 10
    #29651378 -

Iโ€™ll admit Iโ€™ve probably been coming across as more authoritative, defensive, or unapproachable than I intend to lately.

I think some of that comes from simply being uncertain about where I fit into the community these days. Having the tag, being around for a long time, and having some notoriety can make you feel like youโ€™re supposed to be sure-footed all the time. But that doesnโ€™t mean I always am.

The last thing I want is to become the gruff older member who seems like theyโ€™re โ€œin where it counts, but youโ€™ll never knowโ€ and โ€œwith it where youโ€™re not.โ€ Thatโ€™s not who I want to be here.

Iโ€™d rather be approachable, straightforward, and relatable. I know plenty, but Iโ€™m still learning too, and Iโ€™d rather have honest conversations with people than create some unnecessary distance between us. So if Iโ€™ve come across poorly, thatโ€™s on me. Iโ€™m trying to do better.


--------------------
----<><><>----
โ‚ tail-lights, back-pockets, rearview mirrors โ‚

โ‚ guides | grows | supreme air box | sporeaddict โ‚

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: fiddle_head] * 8
    #29651389 -

I thought that someday i would find an easy stride and consistently "come across" as stable.. or.. consistent! Like bod was never the nicest dude, but he was at least consistent. Bod, Pasty, fahts, stipe; all the guys i looked up
To when i was learning. I wanted to be like them but i realized after a long while that i can only be like me.  So thats what ive done i guess. 

Cant say im stable, but im consistently myself.  Ive made a full ass of myself on these boards countless times.  Posting drunk or wose.  (Or much much worse). The quarterly psychotic episode. The depression posts.  Ive been a dick to people who really didnt deserve it and then later realize that i actually just kinda hated myself. 

There was this time i yelled at genny for like 3 days because i was stuck in a deadend ghost-parasitic corporate job and i didnt feel good.  That was embarassing. Woops. Sorry genny.

Man i dont think anyone really cares how you come across as long as youre there.  Just be here brother.  Its the strangest little community in the world but its important.  Doesnt matter. 

You ever just get totally slanted on various substances at a party and get completely naked, and then paint your whole body pink with a bottle of pepto bismol you found in the bathroom?  I did.  Painted my weiner and balls and everything i could reach. then i got in a little mop bucket what had wheels on it and rode it down a flight of stairs.  Bashed a giant hole in the wall with my head but i had my skate helmet on. 

I suspect quite a few people left that party on account of that.  But the ones who remained were, and remain my dearest buds and i have utterly nothing to hide from them.  Theyve seen every part of me and every version of me. Multitudes. 


Anyway.  Hope that helps bud.


--------------------
Need a lift?

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: BeefExtreme] * 11
    #29651398 -

huh- you know I did always wonder why there was a little crossed out 'pink splotched dude with his bits out in a skate helmet/mop bucket' icon on the pepto bismol bottles




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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: BeefExtreme] * 3
    #29651400 -

:whathesaid: hear, hear.

BeefExtreme said:
You ever just get totally slanted on various substances at a party and get completely naked, and then paint your whole body pink with a bottle of pepto bismol you found in the bathroom?  I did. Painted my weiner and balls and everything i could reach. then i got in a little mop bucket what had wheels on it and rode it down a flight of stairs.




Now these are the teks I aspire to. Talk about FAE.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Rasmodius] * 1
    #29651401 -

free ass exhibit

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Lithop] * 2
    #29651404 -




*checking notes*
ready when... stipe.... marshmallow... soft....

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: KlarnEvil9]
    #29651410 -

KlarnEvil9 said:
Glad you like it! And you are more than welcome to use any of it you deem acceptable. I have more if you're wanting halloweeny stuff, let me check my files...

I might even record some new halloweeny stuff since my hardware synths are in the living room with me at all times.



Oh yeah of course. Obviously that was me asking for permission first.


--------------------
:hippie::mushroom2:Take it easy. if it's easy. take it twice:mushroom2::mushroom2:
:sporedrop:The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Shroomery:sporedrop:

**A LINK TO EVERTHING**


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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: callmehippie] * 2
    #29651414 -

I got in a lot of trouble at work today. I stepped on a giant cockroach AKA Palmetto bug, only to find out that's the state bird of South Carolina.
:ohshitno:


--------------------
Mycology is my current hyperfixation
Uncommunicated expectations are just premeditated resentments.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Mistakes]
    #29651435 -

You got in trouble at work for squishing a bird?


--------------------
----<><><>----
โ‚ tail-lights, back-pockets, rearview mirrors โ‚

โ‚ guides | grows | supreme air box | sporeaddict โ‚

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: fiddle_head]
    #29651470 -

fiddle_head said:
You got in trouble at work for squishing a bird?


No I'm making shit up trying to be funny


--------------------
Mycology is my current hyperfixation
Uncommunicated expectations are just premeditated resentments.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: bluescreen] * 8
    #29651472 -

Blue, I'm sorry for what happened, man. Sending you a big hug wherever you are.

I've had to live a life full of losses โ€” from my mother at an early age, to family members and many friends โ€” from cancers to suicides. A little over a decade ago I went through two periods of being homeless and shared those times with many people. Extreme situations forge somewhat peculiar friendships โ€” sadly, to this day less than 50% of them have survived.

Maybe you won't understand me, maybe you will โ€” but whether I like it or not โ€” this feeling is familiar to me. The last friend I lost was to bladder cancer, and I accompanied him in the hospital throughout the process. Being so close to that broke my relationship with death, it was an incredibly hard time. And he happened to be 22 years older than me... and he left saying "Let's go, let's go!"

During the existential void I fell into after that, I came across the work of Dr. Manuel Sans Segarra โ€” a general and digestive surgeon with decades of medical and academic experience โ€” truly a physician of very high standing in Spain. He speaks and writes about Near-Death Experiences. What's striking is that he was a deeply skeptical man until he encountered many phenomena in his own patients, and from there he delved into researching the subject.

I don't want to go on too long about it, but it's a fairly well-documented scientific approach. His work, and that of other physicians around the world who investigated these cases as rigorously as possible โ€” given how metaphysical the subject is โ€” is brilliant. And it was precisely that which allowed me to reconcile myself with the death of loved ones and with the idea of my own death.

One of the biggest problems, I think, is that we are not taught how to die, nor how to absorb death. In the West it remains a taboo subject โ€” it happens, but it's pushed out of the social spotlight, nobody looks at it directly. We come face to face with it many times โ€” doing the best we can.

They are cycles, they are changes of state, they are transformations, it is the journey โ€” but I certainly don't believe it is the end.

Hugs :heart:


--------------------
"Little shark in da bathtub"

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: Mistakes]
    #29651528 -

Mistakes said:
fiddle_head said:
You got in trouble at work for squishing a bird?


No I'm making shit up trying to be funny


I mean it was hilarious, I was just slow on the uptake with it :lol:


--------------------
----<><><>----
โ‚ tail-lights, back-pockets, rearview mirrors โ‚

โ‚ guides | grows | supreme air box | sporeaddict โ‚

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: fiddle_head] * 4
    #29651564 -

Sorry to hear about your loss, homie.  Shit never gets easier, even when you had a fuckin rough relationship with the person like what I had with my dad.  I still see him and my uncle in my dreams, sometimes.  Wish I could say it's all nice and peaceful and shit, but it ain't, because I instantly know I'm dreaming when I see em.

But, you get better at coping with it.  Find people and hobbies and such to give those feeling some kinda voice.  That's how it is with my wife and my writing.  Better'n any therapist I've ever had.  But yeah, there's a way out of every box, a solution to every puzzle.  It's just a matter of finding it.

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: DorkWithTheHair] * 3
    #29651585 -

Great words DorkWithTheHair.

There are even puzzles where the contemplation of the solution is the solution itself.

Guys, I'm heading out in a couple of hours to visit my Father โ€” it's been over a year since we last saw each other. He asked me to bring him mushrooms and I've definitely got the gift ready. So it could be an interesting visit. :evil2:

I'm leaving the grow in my lady's hands with full instructions โ€” I trust her (though it scares me a little). 20 cakes under her watch... Who knows, maybe she'll take a liking to it and we'll end up growing together. :mushroom2:

So I don't think I'll be very active until I get back โ€” and I'll be back in 3 days. These last few days I've only been stopping by briefly due to the visit we had (one of those visits that pulls you out of your routines). And honestly I'm really looking forward to being back and returning to my rhythm.

Take care, plant trees, write books, age slowly and enjoy the little things. You're a great community!

:yougoodjob:

Hugs for three days! :heart:


--------------------
"Little shark in da bathtub"

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Re: Cultivation confessional [Re: bluescreen] * 3
    #29651648 -

bluescreen said:
I confess I don't really know how the confessional works. I was raised Lutheran and don't believe in anything except love now.

So, I've  worked in a fairly remote area over the last 15 years. A neighbor came around early on to say Hi and we became fast friends. He was 22 years my senior, but we spoke like equals. This dude was from Texas and I'm from Deep South U.S. so that was a bond (we're central Europe).

We talked about all kinds of deep shit over the years. This fella probably had an IQ of 150+. Over last Christmas he had some health issues and relocated from a top floor apartment in a castle to semi- assisted living in town.

I was going to help him hang his art. Bought all the hangers. Just line up the date.

Motherfucker died day before yesterday. We spoke about 2 weeks ago. I texted after to tell him "love you". But I didn't hang his art or see his new place. We had a great run but goddammit how was I too busy to see him in his new place and hang his fucking shit. Mrs. Bluescreen did manage to get over there early on but fuck.

He did talk about being connected on the "other side" and strongly advised against pursuing that. Doors that don't close. I'm hoping to see him around if all that's true.


Hey blue, my condolences. When a friend or otherwise important person dies, this thought always appears. You always cancelled the last dinner appointment for some dumb reason. Or didn't pick up the phone at some inconvenient time. If you'd see your friendships in such terms ('quick, he might drop dead tomorrow') you'd be a weird friend and a nervous wreck. And it always hurts. There's always unfinished business.

You told him you love him, that's what counts. You guys had something more going on than 'let's get shitfaced together and talk nonsense for a couple of hours'.
(Which is of course a perfectly fine way of relating, but you know what I mean).

Anyway don't blame yourself for this kind of shit, the unfinished threads. Don't sour your memory of a beautiful person with what ifs. They had to hammer this into me in intensive therapy, but it's true. No one chooses when their friends go, and in most cases it also cannot be predicted with reasonable accuracy.

All the best to you, and give your friend the funeral he deserves. And celebrate what the two of you had.
We don't know jack shit about each other, but if you want to vent about anything, feel free to dm.


--------------------
Species grown 2025-26
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29367720#29367720

Collection of trip reports
https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/29242884#29242884

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Mushrooms, Mycology and Psychedelics > Mushroom Cultivation
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