LogicaL Chaos said:

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I looked up "shooting" in the Dream Bible. Any links to your life? http://www.dreambible.com/search.php?q=gang+shooting
...

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Quote:

To dream that you are shooting someone else may reflect a big decision you've made. Getting rid of a partner or problem for good. Making an emotionally dangerous or dramatic decision. Choosing to "terminate" some area of your life. Negatively, it may reflect choosing to turn your back on something good in you life.

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lol...
newly attending a school for magical girls and not being afraid to strike at wrong-doers despite my friend's fears of it causing them to be labeled as a witch
you tell me if that may relate to (ongoing) big decisions xP

but fuck dream interpretation lists too

if you want to analyze how your mind works, archetypes can be helpful, but don't rely on them

nothing about the "symbolism" really caught me off guard tho
there were points where the rapists had the faces of people who have been openly transphobic or previously sought to harm me (or, ironically, my male friends rather than my female friends) in my life,
most typically from my teenage years when the death threats and stuff were at their highest

the dream "makes sense" in the way it was without much else to look upon
doesn't make it any less traumatic and upsetting tho; seeing my friends struggle and scream for help evoked the obvious response of striking the attackers
if anything, it was almost as tho my magic power was to just suddenly have guns perfect for the situation
at one point, was trying to sneak someone out of a room down a hallway when two guards walked by
and one looked into the room and I recognized his face from the hiding spot
and I saw the other one walk further up the hall, and went "shit a silencer would be perfect right now"
then lifted up a pistol and shot the first in the face with a silenced shot, leaned out into the hall and got the other in the back of the head, then we ran up the hall out the door

but no Witch has infinite mana, so eventually my ammo ran out

knowing all this does make it less traumatic/unenjoyable to have experienced tho
fully recognize that there are people from my past that have to simply be cut out
but would not seek to harm them even in self defense, want only for them to have increased understanding
which is likely why my friends and people I cared about were targetted, my subconcious knows what it takes to actually motivate me to extreme action

also, even the magic guns angle is not abnormal

Tantrika said:

knowing all this does make it less traumatic/unenjoyable to have experienced tho
fully recognize that there are people from my past that have to simply be cut out
but would not seek to harm them even in self defense, want only for them to have increased understanding
which is likely why my friends and people I cared about were targetted, my subconcious knows what it takes to actually motivate me to extreme action

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MadMuncher said:

Tantrika said:

knowing all this does make it less traumatic/unenjoyable to have experienced tho
fully recognize that there are people from my past that have to simply be cut out
but would not seek to harm them even in self defense, want only for them to have increased understanding
which is likely why my friends and people I cared about were targetted, my subconcious knows what it takes to actually motivate me to extreme action

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curious if you ever have worst-case-scenario "visions"/delusions/fantasies(?) if that makes sense. do you ever start tripping in your head and breaking down every possible reaction to, say, a mass shooting or home invasion or getting car jacked, etc.
not sure if that's common or not. your dream reminded me of that, it's something i do a lot and sometimes it seems really unhealthy, but knowingly having that "on" switch is also very comforting. the main problem is that i don't trust anyone and never feel safe, and feel like i have to protect every vulnerable person

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yup, classed under the OCD as "intrusive thoughts" it is common and the most typical prompting for whatever an individuals compulsion is
obsess over terrible thoughts, compulsively act in a ritualistic manner meant to deter the event from happening
do it just enough, you can become pretty successful in a religious setting
do it too much, and it is a life-ruining disorder


my most frequent ones are
flesh-eating disease (dealt with by extreme washing)
house burning down (dealt with by checking lamps and electronics over and over before leaving the house...we're talking having to afford an extra 30+ minutes before going anywhere, and if the routine is interupted the entire trip is cancelled)
and now that I am living with other people again, home invasion by sadists who are only in it to make us suffer before killing us

it is also pretty crippling in public
constantly caught up in concerns of being suddenly stabbed
tho occassionally it instead runs away into a "hero" fantasy where someone threatens me with a knife, so I swing my cane and break their arm as they swipe
then golf-club them in the balls and take off running

think the most telling factor was the culmination in me fighting back alone on the car
went from a perfect killing machine, to ineptly using my guns wrong
at one point, sprayed a submachine gun at far off running targets (the zombie parallel was particularly true -- by the end only headshots actually did anything)
then panicked when it jammed and tried to use a long-range rifle at point blank as they swarmed up the car
not even sure what my third gun was supposed to be, was just aware that it was strapped around me and it was "never the right time" to use it

obvious "symbolism" of the finale was to not attempt to take on too much or overestimate my capabilities
representative of having to just accepting cutting ties with the majority rather that a minority, because I can't change everyone's ideas (likely why the focus became so heavily directed at "head shots")

if not already being aware of this, could see a "reason" for the dream as my subconcious wanting to alert me to it
but it has recently become all too painful of a reality to me to accept that what I took for granted under male identity -- that I could just ignore the presence of these people as inconsequential
is no longer a reality -- have to be aware of who finds out when, and potentially not out myself to friends who are closely acquainted to more dangerous individuals

and that is why the witnessing or rapes upset me so much -- in the logic of the dream world, I was witnessing a heinous action and had to stop it, my friends cried out for help without knowing me to be there
that alone is already upsetting
but in terms of what that mirrors -- there are people it would be happifying to get back in touch with; for both of us, after my just dropping off the planet for a lot of them
but it may only be possible to know some good people any longer through memory

blah

Niffla said:

...
But fuck, man. This staying at home shit is killing me. I honestly thought I'd do just fine with it...

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Going from working full time + attending university full time
to being put on disability by the doctor and being home all the time
was the stretch of some of my most severe ruminations on suicide in my adult life

it legitimately took me years to make peace with it
and by that point, had finally comitted to transitioning
so had the mental defense bulwark of societal perception that women are meaningful around the home


thank you for speaking up about this, we care about you
and there is likely a lot of people still making the same adjustments as you
hope you can assemble some structure for yourself

pirate-blues said:

But I am feeling so much better just having the space and nature at my disposal. My mood has done a total 180 - and it's partially because there's a 5 mile(roughly) loop trail that runs adjacent to my folk's property, and I'm out there literally everyday hiking and trail running and trying to work up to 10 miles a day by June. I think now more than ever, being in nature is helpful, and I know that a lot of states have closed parks, and trails - but if you can find some way to get out and go camping, hiking, some way to just get out and force yourself to walk for a couple of hours(what else are you gonna do), I promise, it gets addictive fast and it helps so damn much.

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watermelon mon said:

That's one reason why i dont do well when i drink. It brings all of that out.
So i dont touch it and never will again.

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LogicaL Chaos said:

At least u got the Shroomery. Maybe make some sort of plan for the future, say Fall or late Summer? Take up reading perhaps? Learn a new skill maybe? Or crafting? Do some Sunset Chasing or random hikes. Gotta switch up sometime.

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I had a whole bunch of things that I wanted to do -- finish my online real estate courses, finish a couple of new books I got, exercise here...but it's like I dug a little hole early on in this thing and it quickly became horribly habitual, and now even though I know it's a really bad circle to be in it's like I can't get out of it and I just find myself wasting away each day here at this place 

Tantrika said:

Going from working full time + attending university full time
to being put on disability by the doctor and being home all the time
was the stretch of some of my most severe ruminations on suicide in my adult life

it legitimately took me years to make peace with it

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MadMuncher said:

it definitely builds on itself. seems like everyday i stay in bed til afternoon it gets harder and harder just to do the fucking dishes. im not even like that either it's just a fucking drag now for some reason

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same I normally keep the place pretty tidy but I just let shit go completely for a while and was basically living in squalor lol

I forced myself the last couple of days to move around and clean stuff up a little though...but yeah it was hard even just doing that

pirate-blues said:

I know you were talking about camping before - there's still got to be some campsites open in the state of Texas, or somewhere you can go. Hell, get a harness and carrier and take kitty with you.
https://www.adventurecats.org/backcountry-basics/camping-cats-ultimate-guide/

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that is awesome

He actually would really dig it, he loves the outside. I take him outside every chance I get and let him walk around and check stuff out, sometimes for a few hours even. He always stays close by. But I like watching him studying all everything.

Of course the birds got him like

MadMuncher said:

throw some grub and clean clothes and a fishing pole or a good book or your kor whatever you're interested in in your car and just start driving. only take roads you've never driven before. helps me a lot when im stuck in the city. go somewhere new, spend the night, walk around in the a.m. then jump back in the car and do it again until you get homesick. change up the scenery, see new things. it's springtime. usually appreciate that apartment just a little more when you get back

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Best thing about working from home is I can say "suck my dick" out loud.



So many damn meetings. Suck my dick, meetings. Like maybe 2/10 wouldn't have best worked as an email.



There's been bad network issues and people don't understand that there's nothing we can do about that other than not have a meeting right now.


Meeting I'm in right now is about super flex. Which is a meeting that actually should be a meeting. And everyone has robot voice and cut outs.


I'm so happy I can express my true feelings. (Honest coming up with creative profanities has long been a way for me to deal with my feels) Fucking cocksucking corporate assmunchers.



Many fucks and suck my dicks have been said this day.

Quote:

I gots to get outta this rut, man. I don't exercise anymore, I don't do shit, hell it feels like a workout and that it takes every bit of strength I can muster just dragging my pathetic self out of bed. It reminds me of my lowest point in life when I was back in my teens going into my 20's and I still lived at home with my parents and had no job and no girlfriend and all I did was stay up all night, get high, eat, and lay around all day like a fuckin bum

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I feel this Niffla. Like... same. Reminds me of when I was unemployed and too anxious to do too much except drugs and video games.
Not something I like being reminded of. And I worry quite a bit if my brain is going to freak out about going back into the office whenever that happens.


I've had the worst cravings to do things that are not good for myself in more than a decade.

Today... today I just want to stick all the xanax up my nose.



Biggest thing that's helping me is getting out and doing a little something every day. Even if I just go out in the yard and pick up sticks. I'm doing something, I'm accomplishing something, I'm building toward something. (The stick thing is for fires.)


I don't personally believe that social distancing should be done at the expense of your mental health. If you need to see a friend I think you should go see a friend. Just be smart about it.