pirate-blues said:

Tantrika said:

just got off the phone with Nana
had intended to call before bed and just wish her a good day

know that it is the alzheimer's causing it
but I love her so much and want to talk to her so much
but she causes me so much dysphoria

she had to go because the staff was delivering food
but just before that she was telling me how much I have "grown up" in the past year
changes to how I talk and look and everything
at which point I was in a bit of a cold sweat because Mom does not want me formally out to Nana,
and I thought she had taken notice of the voice training and estrogen pills (she comments when I see her that I seem to have physically grown; just respond by teasing her for making fun of me being fat)
and I was all "uhhhhh (howdoIrespondtothis)"
then she went "yeah, you've gone from a little boy to a real man in the past year"

and I just died a thousand deaths inside, but tried to roll with it
then she had to say goodbye
and am now sitting here debating having ice cream with my good cry or just sobbing myself to sleep

blah

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I'm sorry babe, I know I cannot relate to the gender dysphoria, but my grandma has always kind of made me feel like ass. How I dress, how I look, oh you live in the city alone?! Oh you drive alone on trips over an hour?! Gettin' a little pudgy, lookin' a little skinny - eat this, take that nose ring out, pull up your dress it's too low cut, you're too fresh(in that old timey not a compliment way), why aren't you married yet?!(this one has been going on since I was like 22 lol). I know it doesn't compare. But it has made me fully dread seeing her in the past.

Only been able to get through it by telling myself that she loved me regardless and she just wanted best for me. But it did also make me pull back a little and stop seeing her as often. I do regret that. Now she's so far gone that she's just much less critical, and oddly enough, it kind of makes me sad .

I know your mom doesn't want you out to your gram, and maybe she's right in trying to protect you - but you might regret this if you never do tell her. And she may be more understanding than you think, especially if you explain it to her gently, like a child. I know it hurts though, and I know it's something I haven't fully felt, and I know that I don't really know what the fuck I'm talking about and that coming out as trans to certain people is a decision that has to be weighed carefully.
...

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I couldn't sleep so I am kind of back
(and appreciation to Niffla as well )

Ironically, can relate to your grandma making you feel like an ass
but that was because my mother's mother always harassed me growing up
at my youngest it was issues of posture and that kids should be "seen but not heard"
think that quote fucked me up more than anything; made me really soft-spoken but highly visible through fashion
which resulted in her degrading all my fashion, my makeup, my nails and so forth
in my older years it was the long hair, fingernails and so forth
never actually made peace with her with regards to those things; but made peace with her best I could on her death bed
so you relate more than you realize and that makes me feel more supported so thank you

that is not actually the case with my Nana (grandmother on father's side) tho
she has always been accepting and supportive of me, never questioned me eating at her table in gothed out makeup in my teens

so that comes to my sort of misrepresentation of my mother's input
Mom has strongly advised me that as nice as it may be to be correctly gendered even within Nana's dementia
it may not result in me actually making it through to her
but more problematically, if she makes sense of it but is not able to then remember to keep it from my aunt (my Nana's daughter)
things get more troublesome

my aunt is a pretty staunch Catholic, of the type with a pastor who complains about "having to recognize 72 genders"
and while it -may- be possible for me to reach her through her transphobia
it is also likely 'safest' for me to not have her know about me being trans
because she holds power of attorney over my Nana's will

honestly, just had a perfect storm worst case scenario on this phone call more than anything
normally get to talk to her long enough to brighten me up aside from dysphoria inducing comments
and this particular call was characterized by her thinking I am still in my teens just coming out of puberty, so a 30-year-old testosterone sounding voice sure would have sounded like growing straight into a man

honestly would have prolly laughed to myself after the call if having more time to process, due to going into second puberty
but the call went from her saying that, to me gently moving to age and birthday discussion to figure out how she was interpreting me
to being interrupted by the staff for her meal
so hung up straight into a dysphoric episode with nothing to really offset it

on actual worse days, Nana has to be walked through remembering that her second son had a kid at all
but on better days she can recall most of my recent past 2 decades of life and me visiting her on a regular basis over the past few years
alzheimer's is a mess to deal with and it is frustrating knowing it will only get worse x-x

Also, as fair is fair
my mother has no issues with me being out to her father
so do comprehend that her concern with regards to my aunt vis-à-vis Nana comes from a place of honesty

do sincerely appreciate you opening up a space for me to pour all this out

tyrannicalrex said:

Yep, after Moms day.

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We have a 3-day weekend in Canada around May 24th, Victoria Day weekend, aka May two-four weekend. As in a two-four of beer.

openmind said:

gopher said:

Ive never had a strong migraine but maybe 4 times a year I get mini ones, where I have to lay in the dark and do nothing, I cant even play on my laptop cause the light fucks with me, its just barely bearable though, if it was any worse id call it a full blown migraine, it goes away if I sleep though

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I'd consider that a pretty full on migraine. It is different for everyone though, as far as the spectrum of symptoms and how intensely people experience them.

When it gets to the point that I can't be in front of a computer/laptop because the screen is to bright/intense & painful and I can't focus in general, at that point things are starting to get pretty gnarly for me.

When it gets to that point, sleep is all I aim for lol...After a night of sleep or a long deep nap the migraine is usually gone or subsided a lot, sometimes though it lingers even into the next day. I try to get super stoned and that allows me to at least slip into a deeply relaxed state or "dissociate" from the situation.

My mother's side of the family has a history of migraines. I know stress is for sure one of my triggers, when ever I feel a certain amount of adrenaline I know I'll for sure end up with a migraine soon after.





-OM

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And not to keep going on about migraines, but shortly after making those posts yesterday talking about migraines I actually ended up developing a shitty migraine for the rest of the day/night.

Not purely coincidence...I know it was likely triggered by a rush of adrenaline I felt yesterday morning because my mother and my sister's BF were in an argument and yelling & screaming at each other (long story) so it got my adrenaline pumping (years/a lifetime of being around people fighting/arguing, anytime someone raises their voice or yells in an argumentative manner it causes a huge rush of adrenaline for me to the point I shake).

And that 5 minutes of adrenaline was enough to have me totally incapacitated with a migraine by the afternoon.

I went to sleep around 8pm because I couldn't "function" anymore...Woke up around 2am to pee and I still had the migraine. I feel the remnants of it today but it has mostly subsided.



And then when I was watering my plants this morning, I stepped on a wasp while barefoot and got stung . Same exact thing happened to me last year, almost exactly a year ago, on the same exact foot, in literally the same exact spot of the yard where I got stung last year (really, the exact same spot where I stepped on a wasp last year), at the same time of day. Total deja vu. After a bee sting usually my blood pressure drops rapidly and dramatically to basically almost nothing to the point I faint/pass out, but today was the very first time that I did not experience any drop in blood pressure at all from a bee sting. It just hurt and throbbed for 5 minutes or so then faded away.





I'm going to start sowing some melon seeds today and breaking up the ground for some more plots for growing things. Doing a bunch of yard work, sowing seeds, and I'll be getting some clones to start my outdoor cannabis grow for this summer.

Happy earth day ya'll 





-OM

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CookieCrumbs said:

I want to hit so many things in this thread I don't know where to start.

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this is a weird position to take; despite transitioning to femme still more of a dom

CookieCrumbs said:

Femdoms are pretty hot.
...
I don't think I've hit all the points I wanted to hit and now I'm behind on work. This is why I've been doing this.
...

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I legitimately thought you meant that a bunch of stuff in the thread had frustrated you enough to want to hit people/things



my first gif result from google was actually:


but then was like "whoa girl, there is cutesy flirting and straight desperation and that response is too much, she's building a home not just a house"
and did a ninja edit

Yeah that's not the way I thought you took it either.
Man a string of miscommunication is fun.

Tantrika said:

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CookieCrumbs said:

Yeah that's not the way I thought you took it either.
Man a string of miscommunication is fun.
...

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Was only recently exposed to the concept of the "disaster lesbian"

but yeah, went momentarily coocoo in response to the famous Barb Wire

CookieCrumbs said:

...
This is also relatable af.

I mean I smash my own spiders but I'm a huge pussy in alot of ways and my good gfs have dealt with my metaphorical spiders. ...things I'm irrationally afraid of for no reason.



Tbf dudes do this too. For some reason alot of guys have issues with cleaning up puke and stuff and their womans have to put the mom had on and go deal with it.

The pussies.


...I'm so happy I'm not a mom. Small children are frighteningly disgusting.

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CookieCrumbs said:

Update on the rootbeer float situation. I had no root beer and no ice cream so I made some chocolate moose pie.

I'd consider it an acceptable substitute.





And I didn't put the pie in the oven and forget about it for 5 hours this time

Oh and btw hope you all had a nice earth day. I spent my nature time freeing the flowers I accidentally buried. I think they'll be okay.
Might have actually protected them from the frost. I have lucky mistakes too sometimes.

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