I haven't thought about this stuff in a long time.. Part of me really wants to trace this all back and put the pieces back together in my head so that if I ever have a son with problems like this perhaps I can help him… Thinking about past relationships reminds me of an experience that had a lot of influence on my decision to change.
First of all, It's really difficult to admit physical abuse, I know firsthand... Even talking about this subject right now is difficult for me.. It’s a very shameful thing to have done. I think that there is value in discussing it though because I imagine that a lot of couples experience it and never talk about it. Men don't ever want to admit that they would do such a thing, and women don't ever want to admit that they ever put up with such a thing.
An experience that I had with an ex gf comes to mind... It was a troubled relationship, lots of emotional abuse and what I would describe as mild physical abuse, grabbing, pushing, throwing and breaking things ect...
Amongst all the pain, we loved each-other and most days were good days. We could seemingly put away the pain and enjoy each other’s company most of the time. She had never done drugs and wanted to try mushrooms because I had talked about them so much. I was a little hesitant because of our instability but we decided to do it anyway.. I’ll keep the trip report as short as possible because it’s kind of irrelevant, but basically the trip went good for me, I was in a good mood and when i looked at her i remember thinking about how beautiful she was, and how lucky i was that she wanted to be with me.. However, It wasn't long until I noticed that she was really quiet and acting kind of strange, when i asked her what was wrong she told me she was scared but wouldn't tell me why and said that she just wanted it all to stop.. I gave her some xanax and I took some too and we fell asleep together.
The next day she revealed to me why she freaked out.. She said when she looked at me she saw the devil, or at least a manifestation of evil. Apparently at one point during the trip I had strolled over to the window to peer outside; she said when i did that she got a really bad vibe and thought that i was making sure there were no witnesses around so that i could kill her... She said there was a part of her that knew it was just the drugs but it really upset her and she got really scared...
Imagine for a moment what i had to digest hearing this story.. After talking about how beautiful mushrooms were, this is the first experience that I was able to give someone.. I'll be honest, I wanted to breakdown and cry. No matter how much we covered up our problems, no matter how many times we pacified and assured each other that deep down we loved one another, No matter how much I wanted to pretend that the abuse never happened... Below all of that, she couldn’t help but see me as the monster that I was. I don’t doubt that she loved me, but every day somewhere inside her she always had to question whether today was going to be a good day or a horrible one. Realizing just how deep these scars reached really opened my eyes, people will forgive but they will never forget. Somehow me knowing that no matter what she was saying, no matter how happy we were, no matter what was happening on the surface, deep down she was wondering if/when I was going to flip out again and hurt her, be it mentally or physically.
I remember thinking that this wasn’t the legacy I wanted to leave behind, it wasn’t how I wanted the people that cared about me most to remember me when I was dead and gone.. When I think back, I think it was the aforementioned desire that led me to dedicate myself to peace, love and empathy. I can honestly say that If I get hurt, or if I have to bear a burden from time to time that’s fine, I would much rather be remembered as this man than the unstable monster I once was.
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