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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1746337 -

There's some good advice here. As someone who used to be painfully shy and has become a very good conversationalist, here's my two cents:

STOP thinking that you have to entertain the person you're with. Instead, ask them a question about themselves. Any stupid question. "Do you have any pets?" "What's your favorite ethnic food?"

The person you're with will be happy with that, because people love to talk about themselves. They will either ramble on and your job will be to listen (as best you can), or their response will be short but still give you fodder for more questions. Topics will come easy as long as you stick to that simple rule. Don't try too hard to be funny, the best lines will just pop into your head as the conversation flows (think about them for a few seconds before blurting them out, though. This is called the "humor filter" :smile:).

A guy that is interested and curious about her and LISTENS to her responses is a major attraction for a girl. Trust me on this, you can watch it work on a date. Guys that talk about nothing but themselves, even if they think their adventures are really entertaining for her, are blowing it. Later on, that girl will describe you as a great guy, and him as incredibly dull and self-absorbed. It's also important not to be needy, as that is an even bigger turnoff than the self-absorbed guy, but that's a whole different subject...

Of course you need to talk about yourself sometimes, but that's only after you get her answer, or when she asks you something. There will be silences, and nothing's wrong with that, but you should prepare ahead of time with something to do. In other words, don't sit at the dinner table for hours after you're done eating, get up and go somewhere. Relax during the silences and pretend to be busy doing whatever, or taking in the scenery, while thinking of your next question for her. There is no time limit where she starts thinking "why hasn't he said anything?" Remember it's her job to converse too.

This works especially well if she's outgoing, because before you know it, you're being just as outgoing as she is.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1747148 -

I used to have that painful feeling when it went silent all of a sudden in a conversation and the longer the silence went on, the worse it got. Then, I wish I remember exactly what happened to make that change, but anyway I began to realise that it was worse if I forced conversation - it was actually more uncomfortable because I felt like the other person was aware I was doing that. So I decided saying nothing was OK, and I would only speak if I had inspiration to - u know - if I really wanted to. And I found that if I relaxed about it, some inspiration would come and much easier than before. But really, a bit of silence is OK. So that's my story.


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Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: enotake2]
    #1747173 -

Quote:
A sure sign of someone who doesn't understand is when they give you some patronizing pat-on-the-back reassurance like "don't worry about it, just be yourself, and the right girl is bound to come along sooner or later..."



That's not true. Sometimes that's all it takes, and also sometimes when you've been through it and see someone else in the same situation you used to be in, it sucks cause you know they have to figure out how to get out of the situation on their own, and that you can't help them.


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There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison

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Re: What can you do? [Re: neutralizer]
    #1749714 -

Thanks for the advice everyone. :smile: 

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1779940 -

i had the same problem a few years back even lost most of my friends because of it. i got over it by just going out and forcing myself to meet new people. when i first tried i just couldnt do it i got all anxious so i started gettin loaded up on trips before i went out really helped my confidence till i didnt need the drugs anymore. just force yourself to go to very social places like pubs an dbars, make yourself talk alot and try to be the center of attention even if it kills you. thats what i did and now im a narcisist. :wink: 

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Lazerouth]
    #1782578 -

OK this touches my heart.

I've had this all my life and still fight to this day.

First thing goto the NHS website and read thier factsheet about shyness and social phobia it explains the mind loops and how the brain can associate negative or positive emotions with any situation.

When you understand the loop you can start to break it. If something comes into yr head and you start to enter an anxiety loop do not avoid what ever it may be talking/eating/going to a particular social situation. Force yourself over and over to do it, break the loops.

A good tip is if your worried about fucking up then go and find some new people to practise on, you don't ever have to see them again if u don't want to.

Eventually your mind learns to associate a positive feeling with this situations in which you get a buzz from being in the 'dangerous' situation.

If you are having constant thoughts of being lower/uglier/stupider than other people then change these. Every time 1 comes tell your self "No thats not true everyone is equal and shine upon yr skills" get quicker and quicker at catching negative thoughts until they are positive. You will soon see results, karma.


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