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What can you do?
    #1740585 -

When you're shy, to the point where one on one company is painfully awkward and everytime you spend time alone with someone, you want to escape - what the hell do you do?
I enjoy my own company sometimes, but lately I've gotten more and more lonely. I enjoy being with good people, but if it's just me and someone else, I can't usually make very good conversation or have that good a time. This isn't a big problem when it comes to friends, but it's a massive hurdle when it comes to relationships. I have this sickening feeling that I'm going to spend my whole life alone, and I have no control over that. I can't get out and meet girls - places where lots of people thrive are always noisy, and it's not easy talking to people when you're deaf. When I do go out, it's just hanging out with my friends and we don't always go anywhere. Occasionally we go to the bar, but it's hard enough to talk to my friends there.
Even if I meet a girl, I'm still going to have to go through the whole date, spending time alone with them thing. I have ZERO confidence here.
What the fuck can I do?
Everytime I am alone with people, I feel like I am burdening them with my boringness, and that they should be without other people, not me.
*sigh*

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1740626 -

Hey, you're me a decade ago! I was always a very shy kid (asked my parents if we could sit in the corner when we'd go out), an outsider in high school (walking around on lunch by myself), and have generally been one for keeping people at arms length, just not wanting their company as they so typically seemes to suck. I have a few good friends whose company I love, but have typically been one for not making new friends easily, although someone I dated for a few months has become a really good friend (plus her little girl is alot of fun). For me, overcoming shyness/introversion came along with discovering myself much more so than I had previously, as I developed alot more self-confidence as a result, so finding something, somehow, that gives you more self-esteem might help. Hope this helps at least a little, I can most definately relate.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1741286 -

I used to be VERY shy, just like you described.

But then I realized something - what does it matter what other people think about you...when you don't even think highly of yourself?

For the most part I was shy because I find myself a little at odds with most people, quite a bit different than most people at times. I used to stand in a group of people who were talking, and have so many things I wanted to say...but I couldn't, because what if I say something stupid?

It was a new group of friends that brought me out of my shell. They were all MUCH closer to "me" than the friends I used to hang out with. They let me practice my social skills on them, in a way  :smirk:

I think that may be a good solution, for guys like us. We need somewhere to "practice" our social skills...but we have no one to practice with! I was lucky and found some people who didn't care if I acted crazy  :smile:

I know it may be hard at first, but you really will feel better if you stop worrying about what other people think about what you are saying, and start worrying about what you think about what you are saying.


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Once, men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free.
But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: TheHobbit]
    #1741289 -

'Everytime I am alone with people, I feel like I am burdening them with my boringness, and that they should be without other people, not me.'

Yup, me too. I imagine you'll get fed up with it and just observe how other people do it, and eventually it yourself. I can play the game if i want to...but i really really dont want to..it seem's so, dishonest.
My thing is...i wont initiate anything, i have extreme trouble even introducing myself to people, but sometime's you just gotta swallow whatever's holding you back say "whats the worst that could happen" and go for it. Play entertainer for a girl..try over and over again, you'll get it right one of these days.
anyways...your not the only one.


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GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1741315 -

i've said it tons of times to you over the past few years ... "YOU ARE NOT BORING!" i know you have no confidence because of the whole deafness issue thinggy, but who cares?! you shouldn't feel like you're boring people because i, for one, love to talk to you.


you just need more confidence, hun. (i know, i'm a hypocrite, so bite me)

*hug* i plan to fix that tho.


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-- Accept my heart warming gift of TREE SCRATCHIES!!! I absolve thee!! --

JaP: 30,000 lines of gay, cock, and fag can't be wrong
Ped: only in #shroomery is "smuggle opium in her ass" followed by "i don't want shitty opium" which is followed by " *** Joins: PENISSQUAD"
--
JaP: What would this place be without random sluts?
JaP: Nothing, I tell you.

:heart: :todcasil: :heart:

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1741324 -

Oh I've definitely been there before.

If you say whats on your mind you will have more people in your life. It's really not about what you say, just being out there. It helps people to get to know you and once that is achieved there is comfort on both sides.

Sheepish, you are an awesome shroomerite, I'm sure you have many great things to say. Say them!


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Re: What can you do? [Re: ArmFromTheAbyss]
    #1741604 -

I'm in the same boat as Trendal. Exact same. Best thing you can do, is just act crazy. Sure some people will thing you are, but fuck them. You aren't there to impress them. You are there for you, and for the company your with.

It seems like the more open you are, the more people respect you. And with respect seems to come confidence (for me at least). So next time your intersted in going somewhere, just go. Don't think about it. You don't have to keep thoughts in. Sometimes just telling a horrible joke can break the ice. Another great thing would be talking abuot experiences, this seems to be what most people (that i hang out with, or around my age atleast) use to find others like them. Just bring up something from your past, funny if it can be. Tell the story.. Just anything to make yourself more comfortable



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But I?ll survive, the pain lets me know I?m alive.
But I still feel that this ain?t livin.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1741983 -

don't smoke so much pot if you're a smoker and realize that people like talking about stupid shit :wink: worked for me.

act like they're bugging YOU with THEIR boring-ness. Out de-bore them :wink: lol if that makes sense.

"I have ZERO confidence here."

heh what do you have to lose? you know you're cool.

And as a last resort (its sad that in this society its actually decent advice for "social advancement"), watch a bit of television every once in a while. Popular, unbearable television... the shows everybody is watching but nobody knows why. don't watch them A LOT but heh check out some "PopTV" every once in a while.

edit: I've learned that expressing my boredom or anxiety among "friends" can return excellent results in terms of stimulating some real conversation that actually holds interest.. just another thought


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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

Edited by Strumpling (07/23/03 05:36 PM)

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Strumpling]
    #1742074 -

Man...watching the "poptv" is so hard. My friends talk about show's that i dont even know exist, and im left out. So...Strumpling is definately right about that.

And right he is about pot smoking too...Smoking less will make you (if your a stoner) less "spacy" and more willing to put up and integrate with "normals" BS.


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GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: PDU]
    #1742592 -

Sounds the exact opposite of me. When it's just one person I'm in a real talky, chatty mood, humorous and I'm a wonderful person (Hard to believe reading me on this site) and everyone loves me. When theres a group of people I just shrink back into hermit mode and become the fifth wheel. I think everyones looking at me. I really don't know what to do because people don't like that these days.


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The Unfunny Truth About Scientology

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Re: What can you do? [Re: PDU]
    #1743341 -

Yeah, confidence is something I need to work on. The friends I have now have certainly helped heaps. My old friends were fun, but they never really cared as much as my new friends do. When I'm with them in a group, I can usually chime in on the conversation and say quite a bit. Saying weird things, I certainly have no problem with. It's just that I have trouble initiating conversations when it's just me and someone else. If it's just for 30 mins or so, I could probably deal with it, but if I was to spend an entire evening if just one person, I'd be very tired at the end of the evening, and be worn out. Initiating and being in control of conversation is VERY tiring for me. It takes a bit of effort usually. If you've ever heard a deaf person speak, you'd know why. It takes a bit more effort to try and communicate a thought and put it into words. It can lead to awkward and confusing confusions when the other person doesn't understand what you're trying to say. I also mumble sometimes, and speak quieter than I realise. So most of the time I have to repeat what I said (and so do they). And sometimes I just can't be bothered saying anything. I might get an idea to say something, but I'll be debating when to say it, and how to say it etc.
I agree about the smoking pot - it definitely makes me more introverted. So I really avoid smoking with others if conversation is going to be had. If I smoke up with just one or two people, I might watch a movie, or drive out to a nice spot and listen to some CDs.
But, I'm going to have to gain some confidence somehow. I can remember when I used to walk home from school, and sometimes I would have to walk with someone I knew. I wasn't trying to be an asshole, but the walk home would just be so quiet and awkward. It's quiet a mission to try and listen to someone's conversation when cars are driving past constantly and you're trying to walk. It sometimes leads to people assuming I'm being rude, or an asshole because I'm not saying anything.
I self loathe too much - I always view myself compared with other people (based on how good company they are). So if someone is really good at talking to people, I feel a bit sad about that, and sometimes just think "Well, I'm not needed here, I'm boring and don't say anything". I also don't usually have thoughts that could become conversation - I just idly think, and wander inside my head, and sometimes think "Think of something to say". It sucks.
It's slowly getting better - it's not as bad as it used to be, but I certainly have a long way to go.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1743427 -

Some people have the gift of endless babble.  You aren't one of them.  You dont have a responsibility to conform to their "standards", or to be whatever another person wants you to be.  Just be yourself, talk when you got something to say, even if you dont think anyone wants to hear it.  Eventually the people who enjoy talking to you and hearing what you have to say will become your close friends. 

>act like they're bugging YOU with THEIR boring-ness. Out de-bore them

Haha, thats a good one! 

Hey if you dont feel like talking, then don't.  If someone wants to talk to you anyways, just tell them "I'm more in the listening mood right now, than in the talking mood, so go ahead and chat".  I mean you aren't trying to offend people right?  There are certain facts about yourself that you just gotta accept, but instead of hating yourself for your flaws, work with them! 

my two cents :grin: 


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man = monkey + mushroom

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1743441 -

Sheepish,

I know exactly what you're talking about.  But, you have to realize that they aren't really thinking that.  I had that thing too, that constant voice telling you that you're not wanted company, you are a fifth wheel, etc; but then I finally realized that other people are NOT thinking bad about me like that, and that all my reactions like that had been really overdramatized.  Rarely do other people think as bad of you as you are thinking about yourself.

My problem was always that I have always had a hard time putting my thoughts into words; I don't really think in words and making that transition is sometimes hard for me.  That, and the feeling that others in a group are superior really held me back, to the point where I've isolated myself from everyone except my boyfriend (except for going to class and going to work, where there is very limited social relationship interaction).  Just recently I've been starting to feel the very first twinges of wanting to make friends and be social - always before I've never wanted to be social, I was happy with my and my bf's company.  Now, when I finally do go out and start to be social (not going out and being crazy, going to clubs all the time - just talking to people around me a little more, and instead of closing my mind to everyone around me, to be open and willing to get to know that person.), I will be ready, and willing to have a good time in a group (maybe I don't have to really be talkative, maybe I just have to let myself go with the group energy and let myself have fun).

Sorry for ramblings, you know how it can get when stoned :smile:  Btw, every time I see your sig I laugh. 


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There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison

Edited by neutralizer (07/24/03 12:32 AM)

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Re: What can you do? [Re: pattern]
    #1743824 -

My friends are good about it though, they don't expect me to talk heaps and are really supportive and understanding. It's like neutralizer said, I over analyse my own actions and look down on myself. Even if my friends are perfectly fine with the silence, my mind nags me to say something, to end this silence.
It becomes a problem when I meet new people, mostly. But it can be the same case - the person might not even care that you're not talking much, but I just analyse it to death.
A few years ago I accepted totally that I was a quiet person, and that's just the way I am. I just find it hard to relax when I'm quiet around people. The whole "Oh god, I'm boring everyone to tears" thought pops up, and it can be true a lot of time. I mean, sitting around staring at the wall really can't be fun at all. It's times like those when I need to be doing something, but we can't think of anything worthy to do.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1744691 -

buy some books :wink: and some mind-numbing video games.

OR you could all maybe hang out not as often so that when you do there are more new connections to make amongst yourselves.

I find that when I hang out with the same people EVERY DAY or close to it, I can run into the boredom thing way easier than if we hang out like once every few days or weekly or even less often.


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Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1745730 -


Edited by Xibalba (09/30/05 12:30 AM)

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Strumpling]
    #1745744 -

When going out somewhere, I find I have a much better time if the place is only half full or less, I dont feel intimidated and find it much easier to chat to new people etc. I find people far more receptive to strangers in this situation too.

The other person has a responsiblity to make an effort for conversation as well, if it fails it is their fault as well. But maybe they have the same sort of insecurities as yourself and dont have the confidence to initaite conversation. Dont be afraid to go up and say something to someone, they wont notice you other wise. Whats the worse that could happen?

It took me a long time to realise it, but Im just as good as anyone else, I used to really look down on myself as a second class citizen and think why bother.

Try to be the one to end a conversation before it gets aquward if you can.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Hugh_Jass]
    #1745898 -

Personally...i like thinking i suck.


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GO OUTSIDE.

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Re: What can you do? [Re: PDU]
    #1746202 -


Edited by Xibalba (09/30/05 12:30 AM)

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Re: What can you do? [Re: Sheepish]
    #1746319 -

know what you mean... alot of times my mind just kinda "shuts off" socially, and I have nothing to say.  I just want to stare at stuff and look at how beautiful it is, or think about life, daydream, or posting on the shroomery (a real conversation killer). 

Alot of times, I just say: "I got nothing to say. I'm zoned out".  Sure it makes me look like an idiot but I'd rather be an honest idiot than... a lying idiot  :crazy2:

Ok this isnt what you want to hear, and it might not even be true, but: your ego is too big! You expect to be the star, to light things on fire, to be an endless source of entertainment, but thats because you are thinking about yourself too much.  When you get introverted, try focusing all your attention on those around you, instead of on yourself.  After all, you are ending up worrying about yourself... and you dont like it... try doing the opposite!  Worry about your friends and what they are thinking about.  If it turns out all your friends are thinking about you, then I take back what I said about your ego!  :devil: 


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man = monkey + mushroom

Edited by pattern (07/25/03 03:02 AM)

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