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InvisibleJared
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Registered: 04/23/01
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Life Vs NotLife
    #1472438 - 04/19/03 03:49 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

The more and more my life "progresses" the more I realize I hate the direction it is going.. the more I can't stop seeing how each day feels worse than the last, and how even if things get better.. which it seems like they won't.. that there still isn't any point. Once I'm dead. Thats really it! No more anything, nothing but sleep, nothingness, perfect, placid nothingness. Can you imagine how perfect this feeling, or i should say non-feeling would be.. It would be absolute perfection! Nothing to ruffle, or ruin the perfect nothingness. "Existence is suffering" becomes a pretty solid idea when viewed with this mindframe.. In my earthly future, I just can't see happiness.. Judging on who I am, what makes me.. I cannot see a "normal" happy life.. I can only see pain, and unhappiness, even if there are good moments.. which every life is sure to have, I can't see them being enough to weigh out the bad. I don't see the future holding a story worth living for... even if things go well, I myself still feel dysfunctional, sick, tired, like i've already lived through everything and now im just ready for bed... I mean, once its done.. its done. thats it. The suffering doesn't include - you - anymore.. - you - aren't anymore, -you- just become part of everything.. its not game over, its not lights out, its just -nothing-.. its not even nothing, its less than nothing.


A while ago, I promised myself that if my life isn't heading in a direction I want, or progressing towards a direction I want somehow by the time I'm 20, that I will end my life. That I would join something similar to peacecorps, and move overseas.. then do it so it would seem like an accident.. so as to lessen the pain for family and friends. Or maybe its just because I'm a coward. Now I can't even see things going in a direction I would like even being reason enough to live... The nothingness of death is more attractive than the gob that existence is.


Also, I don't think it is selfish to kill yourself, unless you are a parent. Then you have commited your life to someone elses. If you are at the point that you do not want to live anymore, then i find it selfish to keep the person somewhere they do not want to be... akin to torture, unless you can somehow realize a way to lower the torture their life is, enough so that they do not want it to end anymore.

I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed, I don't feel sad about how things are.. I feel indifferent, almost like im talking about someone else. Also, I'm not asking for support here. I just felt like I had to tell someone how I feel. If you read all this.. then thanks.


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InvisibleZwieback0
Baby Bread
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Registered: 08/23/02
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1472444 - 04/19/03 03:53 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Life.


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OfflineGringoLoco
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1472485 - 04/19/03 04:29 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

I share more than a few sentiments with you.

I hated the life my direction was going. I was going nowhere fast. I seemed doomed to work at the theatre for the rest of my life, get stoned after work, munch out, then pass out and do it all over again the next day. I was developing a sadomasochistic attitude torward it, that it was my punishment and I had to carry it out. Well, I obviously no longer work there. I still have my sadomasochistic views, but in a much healthier and morally right way (Ok, I'm going to punish my body by doing pushups and jogging until I can't even sit anymore, oh that guys a buck short, I guess that means I have to cover him and nobody else). I'm trying to phase out my self loathing, and doing it in a positive manner is the way I achieve inner peace. I'm just tired of pitying myself, and for the first time in my life I'm not selfish, I'm actually doing things for others (IE - I quit drugs, much of the reason had to do with personal issues, but a significant amount of my reason was because my mom asked me to). For the first time I feel there might be something better for me in the future.

It is YOUR world too, along with mine and everyone elses. How we percieve it ultimately affects our life. If you believe that theres nothing for you in the future, and are firm about it, I really can't do anything about it. The change has to come from within you, much like my world can only change with my mood.

Do not run away from your problems. It will only worsen them and lead to depression. Deal with them head on.

Suicide............ I've always felt suicide was childish and immature, like a child who wants a slice of the pie, and if she doesn't get it, she throws it out the window. Realize that while that person may not feel loved or needed by others.... they are, much more than they realize. You never fully realize how much you treasure something until it's gone, and with human beings and the emotional baggage involved, it's so much more complicated. If I read tomorrow morning that a double suicide happened, a husband couldn't deal with it anymore, his wife sees him, shocked and in trauma, she decides her life is over as well, I would blame only the husband, it could all have been problems if he dealt with the demons in his head.

In order to love those around you.... you must love yourself. It's the same with the world, and life itself.


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OfflineLoverofEarth
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: GringoLoco]
    #1474166 - 04/19/03 09:38 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Sometimes I just lie down in the middle of nowhere, it feels good.


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Invisibledjfrog
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Registered: 10/23/00
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: LoverofEarth]
    #1475775 - 04/20/03 09:02 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

hmm, I spent some time trying to think of a good response to this one. This is what I came up with:

"No, you'd better not"

I'm always right so you'd better just get used to it. 20 is way to young anyhow. 30 is probably a better year, then you're a real geezer.

And you never know. 5 years from now someone might invent bionic legs and we'll all be able to leap from building to building. Now wouldn't it suck if you missed out on that?


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InvisibleCherryBomM
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: djfrog]
    #1477915 - 04/21/03 01:02 AM (14 years, 2 months ago)

The frog is right, as usual. (Bionic Legs!)

20 is barely anything. You've only just established your humanity. You're not even started to acually live your life yet! 30 isn't even a good age to start questioning your worth of life.

Maybe if your 60 and you all you do bitch and whine and fart. Life isn't anyting big and grande, it's just LIFE. Sunsets and full moons, blue roses and purple stones, bare feet and summer nites.

It's the little things. It's a hundred billion little things that make up one molecule of one cell of life. If you don't see the little things, you won't see the way life shines.

It's a road trip, it's new faces and old friends. Music. Questions and answers and truth and lies.






--------------------


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: CherryBom]
    #1486966 - 04/23/03 07:14 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

A big railroad switch got flipped to change the direction my life is going, and i feel much better(positive in my outlook) now. You all raise some very valid points, and while they're good.. I don't think they counteract the validity of my observations...

About dealing with my problem(s).. the thing is I don't run away from them, I was dealing with it/them. I fought hard for a long time.. with no results, no results, no results, no results. When you get rejected by burger king, mcdonalds, and dozens of other slop jockey jobs.. it makes things start to seem pretty bleak.

I think the main problem is for the last few(many) months, I've been thinking about myself.. worrying about myself, doing things for.. myself. Living life for yourself sucks shit. It loses meaning and purpose quickly.. When you live for something(someone) else.. your life takes on a sort of greater purpose.. its not just you.. if you go away, you're not making blank, perfect, emptiness. You're replacing part of something(someone) else with that blankness.. breaking them. I dunno if this is some fucked up form of dependance.. but I need other people to give my life meaning, to be happy.

Quote:

It's the little things. It's a hundred billion little things that make up one molecule of one cell of life. If you don't see the little things, you won't see the way life shines.




The little things are definatly great, they truly complete life.. but you can't enjoy sprinkles very well without the cake. =P


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OfflineShdwstr
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1487013 - 04/23/03 07:24 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

We all need others in our life to feel complete. Think of all of the lives you could enrich in the next 40 or so years.
Suicide is a selfish and cowardly act.
Think of life as an adventure. The shit you deal with today will teach you how to cope in the future and make it brighter. The essence of the universe is Change, and things will change for you too! For the Better!

Take Care


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Shdwstr]
    #1487035 - 04/23/03 07:31 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

how is it a cowardly act in the context I've explained..?


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InvisibleFreakQlibrium
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Shdwstr]
    #1487039 - 04/23/03 07:32 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Think of life as an adventure. The shit you deal with today will teach you how to cope in the future and make it brighter. The essence of the universe is Change, and things will change for you too! For the Better!"

An excellent post man :smile: 


--------------------
"Being crazier than a shithouse rat is not sufficient grounds for banishment"



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OfflineStrumpling
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1487062 - 04/23/03 07:41 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

snap out of/into it, Jared..... unless you're contemplating suicide (Which I wouldn't recommend), you've got at least a couple more decades left of this human experience you're having, and you should make the best of it :smile:

Remember your Power - you can change - you can become happy.


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Strumpling]
    #1487081 - 04/23/03 07:48 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

people never read anymore =\


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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1487087 - 04/23/03 07:49 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Don't kill yourself, Jared!! :grin: :wink:


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: adrug]
    #1487113 - 04/23/03 08:01 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

=(


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OfflineBlowMiNose
Some rise, Somefall, Some climb

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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1487181 - 04/23/03 08:31 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

I know this is hard jared. Think of life as an adventure like everyone else says. Suicide is boring, might as well use up some more free time in life that was given to you. :wink:


--------------------
***--- Have You Opened Your Third eye?! ---***
      :::disclaimer:::this stuff was done in my dreams


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: BlowMiNose]
    #1487189 - 04/23/03 08:37 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Does my second post not show that I have no intention of killing myself, but that I intend on focusing my energy on other people.. rather than myself, in order to balance my life and be happy again?

Why the hell is everyone acting like I'm suicidal =\


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Offlineruskifile
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1487233 - 04/23/03 09:04 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

Does my second post not show that I have no intention of killing myself, but that I intend on focusing my energy on other people.. rather than myself, in order to balance my life and be happy again?






Very true....to be healthy you have to be outward-looking as well and not turn in all the time  :wink:

...that is unless you're focussing on other things outside yourself in order not to have to examine how you feel about yourself deep down...believe me I've been there  :frown:

Whatever thoughts you have (about your own self, life etc) create the feelings you end up having, and consequently the type of life you end up experiencing...

...we are what we think  :grin: quite literally 


--------------------
(zhukov in a previous life....)

2SER FM underground radio


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OfflineShdwstr
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Jared]
    #1487323 - 04/23/03 09:36 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

I'm pleased your feeling better about your future and are choosing to expand your own value by helping and interacting with others... but don't become TOO dependant on others to realize your own self worth.

You said... "Once I'm dead. Thats really it! No more anything, nothing but sleep, nothingness, perfect, placid nothingness. Can you imagine how perfect this feeling, or i should say non-feeling would be.. It would be absolute perfection! Nothing to ruffle, or ruin the perfect nothingness." ... in you first post.

This is a suicidal mindset, and if not, certainly indicates severe depression.
How is it cowardice? Is't an escape... the easy way out, from someone who lacks the courage to take a chance on what tomorrow may bring. Weather it be good or bad is unknown, the coward who commits suicide, believing what may come to be bad, lacks the courage to face it.
Even fear and chaos are preferable to nothingness.

Take care my friend


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Shdwstr]
    #1487352 - 04/23/03 09:53 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

Hmm.. I just can't imagine anything feeling better than nothingness.. that doesn't mean im depressed, or suicidal.


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InvisibleJared
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Re: Life Vs NotLife [Re: Shdwstr]
    #1487356 - 04/23/03 09:55 PM (14 years, 2 months ago)

unless I've been severly depressed for as far back as i can clearly remember, and is just the norm.. but i don't think so...


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