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InvisibletrendalM
J♠
Male User Gallery

Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 20,815
Loc: Ontario, Canada Flag
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1714878 - 07/14/03 03:43 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

No that's not true. You have fooled yourself into believing it is, though.

I know it's hard to accept, lev, but you'll understand in time. You just have to give it that time.

If you think you will screw up...you probably will.

If you think you will succeed...you probably will.

It's all up to you! But choose to live! The world is too full of death as it is  :frown:


--------------------
Once, men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free.
But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.


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InvisibleLeViTY
I missed theark.

Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 1,988
Loc: CA
Re: Tired of living... [Re: trendal]
    #1714882 - 07/14/03 03:44 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

The world is full of overpopulation and famine.


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Offlinelucid
Jack's AlteredConsciousness

Registered: 03/29/03
Posts: 6,319
Loc: up on the bidet
Last seen: 10 years, 3 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1714909 - 07/14/03 03:51 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Levity, trust me you are capable of/and have done much right and
good (trust me !!).
I can empathise with u... I've been suicidal for that past 5 months
after a bad shroom trip and I'll admit that I've tried it once
a few weeks ago. But my reasons are different. I get bouts of
angst/confusion/horrific depression/terrifying fear that I can
barely describe to others. I've been trying desperately to cope
because I know that there are people who care about me and who
my death would affect deeply (even people on this board will be
affected deeply - I know this). My stuggle is that I cannot bear
the pain sometimes and the terror and think about ending it all.
But I know that suicide is not "right" in some deeply intrinsic
sense. I'm divorced (the love of my life for 6 years walked out
on me without an explaination), I've lost 2 jobs (layed off from
one and one due to visa issues), and I've lost the place I loved
to live and called home. BUT, I *know* that I may meet someone
and fall in love again, I *know* that I might get another job,
I know that I might be able to find a place to live that I like
and call home... but what I don't know (and what I'm concerned about)
is that I'll never be my old happy self again, I'll never be what
I was before I took the shrooms. I feel like I'm incapable of
being happy (regardless of my circumstances). And I doubt myself,
I doubt that I can recover. But, God knows, I plan to fight this
thing to the end and try everything in my means to get back on my
feet. When I was a kid I remember seeing a cartoon about a little
froggie struggling against all odds, there was a line in the cartoon
where the froggie sez "ribbit... to the limit...every minute...put
your heart in it..." :smile: beautiful, those words have stuck with me
since...
PM me anytime. May u have everlasting peace and happiness :smile:


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."


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Offlinetoned3f
Comfortably Numb
Registered: 05/27/03
Posts: 124
Loc: NY, Amerika
Last seen: 15 years, 9 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1714910 - 07/14/03 03:52 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Consider yourself lucky enough to not have to deal with the overpopulation and famine plaguing the world, and consider the effects on the people around you should you go through with committing suicide.

Life may suck at times, but killing yourself certainly won't make anything better.


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InvisibleArmFromTheAbyss
Old Hand

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 1,368
Loc: Down here in Babylon
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1715046 - 07/14/03 04:27 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Levity, this is part of life. Everybody goes through it at some point.

Stick in there and good times will come. Growth will come...

If you are ever in NYC and wanna trip, I'm down. Even if you don't wanna trip...

:grin:    :sun: 


--------------------


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InvisibleXibalba
Stranger
Registered: 05/13/00
Posts: 2,114
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1715088 - 07/14/03 04:37 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)



Edited by Xibalba (09/30/05 12:37 AM)


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OfflineStatic
Can you hear menow?

Registered: 06/15/03
Posts: 113
Last seen: 20 years, 21 days
Re: Tired of living... [Re: Xibalba]
    #1715439 - 07/14/03 05:58 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Out of the ashes of dispair grow the Roses of happiness.
Don't give up, things have a way of working out. You never see it coming but it always does. I have been in bad places as many here have and things always somehow work out. After I had to leave my GF some 6 years ago I thought wtf! this agony just plain sucks dirty donkey dicks but I did not give up. Today I am a happy camper and am glad thing happened the way they did. As a child I was always getting in trouble with everything. Nothing I did was good enough for dad and I was on the honor role, took all the highest classes and played sports. For crying out loud dad what could I do better? Nothing. Be yourself and hang in there. You will have your sun shine...  :sun:


--------------------
Astronauts get all the tang they want.


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1715969 - 07/14/03 08:19 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

I would say give yourself a couple more years, and then re-think the whole "jumping out into the street" thing.


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


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OfflineSheepish
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/02/02
Posts: 10,137
Loc: Exile
Last seen: 5 years, 9 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1716004 - 07/14/03 08:28 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

The Patient

A groan of tedium escapes me, startling the fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be. Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience. drain vitality.
this paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. And I'm still right here.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I still may. And I still may.
Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...

If there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may. And I still may. And I still may.

I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.





This song has a lot of meaning to me - it's pretty much what I decided to do when I was really depressed younger - WAIT IT OUT. It wasn't all sunshine and sweet smelling flowers, but I got through it. When I think about "What if I went through with it", it's kind of freaky to think about what experiences I would have missed. Try not to rely on other people for your happiness, you need to find it from within yourself. Spend some time alone, be comfortable with yourself, learn to have fun with just yourself (and I don't mean masturbation) and watch a sunset. When things get too much (with people, and the problems that arise from them), I drive out to a beach and listen to music, and just watch how beautiful nature is. Just as nothing good lasts forever, nothing bad does either. Things come and go, you just have to enjoy the good times, and ride out the bad. Don't feel bad about your mistakes - we all make them. If we didn't make mistakes, how could we learn from them? There's not one human alive that hasn't made a mistake that they regret. It's just not possible, NONE of us are perfect. There's no point trying to be perfect, just admit your mistakes/faults and move on and work on how to not repeat your mistakes.


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Offlinepattern
multiplayer

Registered: 07/19/02
Posts: 2,185
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 3 years, 10 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1716647 - 07/14/03 10:38 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Hi Levity:

You'll make mistakes every day, but you gotta roll with the punches. Tomorrow is another day. When they knock you down, or when you trip, maybe lie there and think about it for a while, and laugh at yourself. You have to get back up and fight.

Make the best of your opportunities. Even when those opportunities aren't the best.


--------------------
man = monkey + mushroom


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OfflineDigireal
Stranger
Registered: 07/01/03
Posts: 1
Last seen: 19 years, 11 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: pattern]
    #1719968 - 07/16/03 12:07 AM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Levity, I'd like to share a story with you about how bad things can get, and how they get better.

A little over one year ago, I got arrested at work for some stupid shit. I spent 3 months in jail, when I got out, everything I owned that was of any value had been sold by room mate, I was left with 2 shirts, the pants I was wearing and another pair of tennis shoes. I had been served with an eviction notice while in jail, so I was homeless, I didn't have a dime to my name, There was still a very real chance of me going to prison for a very long time, my girlfriend of four years left me for another GIRL, I was disowned by my family. I had lost my job when I went to jail. And my probation officer was telling me that if I didn't find a permanent residence in 7 days I was going to go back to jail until my sentencing - another 60 days, and that not having a permanent residence would greatly increase my chances of going to prison. I sat in my city-furnished hotel room for 3 days with a bottle of coumadin debating on whether or not to kill myself. I finally decided that it would be better than living this nightmare. As I was putting the pills in my mouth, I realized that this was not an escape route. I had to stand up and do something to make my life better. I know I got my self into this mess, but it was still so overwhelming. I make a decision that I was going to tough it out no matter what happened. Life gets shitty, but it always gets better. You can only go down so far. most of the time, how far down you go depends on haw far you are willing to let yourself fall. For me, I had to hit rock bottom before I was ready to make a change. I decided suicide was not an option and that I had to get some help.
I called a crisis hotline and the lovely lady on the other end of the line referred me to the local mental health clinic. I asked for help and I got it. Today I'm a college student majoring in psycholgy, I've made my amends with my family, I go go to school full time, and work 30 hours a week. I'm not in a relationship now and I'm ok with that. What I'm trying to say is, don't take the easy route to escape your problems. There are many other options availiable to you. I highly suggest contacting your local mental health clinic, they can usually provide free or low cost help to anyone in need, and many are 100% confidential. Contemplating suicide is serious shit, you obviously have had some traumatic events happen lately. I really hope you will seek help. That's what these people are there for. --


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Offlinepolarity
vagabond
Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 99
Loc: Jackson, MS
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: Digireal]
    #1720997 - 07/16/03 08:59 AM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Levity: I know people have been giving you tons of advice and stories, so I figured I'd add mine. Some really bad things happened in my life, my aunt (who acted as my mother, because my mother was always gone) died of cancer. I cared for her in her last years and was standing there when she took her last breathe. It was like watching myself die. At that moment I became pissed off at the world, I turned my back on my family, my friends, and my religion. To this day I still have not accepted religion again. My mom turned to suicide after seeing her sister die, she tried to OD on pills almost everynight. My brother and I stayed up countless nights holding her head over a toilet so she would not die. We took countless trips to hospitals and clinics for stomach pumps and whatever else doctors do. My mom decided I was not coping with my aunts death well (because I didn't appear to be grieving(sp)) at all, so she sent me to a shrink. This only made me feel worse, like not only was everything falling apart around me, but I was crumbling with it. I turned to suicide. I slit my wrists, 3 times. The first time, I cut myself, unsure about death and if it';s what I wanted so the cut was not bad. I bled alot, passed out and was left with a horrible cut. The next week was worse this time I was serious, I cut them both about a 2 inch slit running up and down and a slit the size of my wrist across (forming a t or a cross or something) on both wrists. My brother found me and my neighbor took me to the hospital. I spent a good while in there recovering and I was forced to go to a shrink more. To me, it seemed like more weakness and I tried one final time. Obviously I did not succeed. I still have the scars on my wrist and everytime I look at them I remember that I might not be alive today.

Today I lead a better life, I have a good job and work with people who respect me as a coworker and as a person. My mom and I have a great relationship and she has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I still have alot of problems today, but when I think about just how bad it can get and I see those scars I know that this is nothing. I finally grieved for my aunt (about 2 weeks ago, it has been approximately 7 years) when my friend forced me to open up a little (he has been my friend for a few years and knew nothing of my past). We were on lsd and x at the time and I told him about all of it and I finally cried. I felt better it was a huge release.

Now after all that babbling this is what I can tell you. No matter what you've done, it may not be able to be fixed, but it can be mended a little. Talk to the people you have hurt tell them what has happened and that you feel bad for it. Even if things don't go back to how they were, you would feel better. I promise you suicide is not the answer, you keep asking what's the meaning of life, what's the purpose. The purpose IMHO is to live. To have your life and in the end look back and say, I had some bad times, I has some really horrible times, but I also had some great ones. Take all the things in life right now that hurt, and match them to all the things in your life that you've enjoyed (death of a friend, to birth of a sibling) things like that. One may outweigh the other. Start to look for things that make you happy (hobbies, friends, games, art, music) anything that you can put your heart into. Stick with it. It will get better.

I'm online all day during the day if you get online look me up on AIM: If I'm gone, it will just be to lunch and I'll chat with you. I've been where you are and I know how much it hurts. Sometimes you just need someone to share it with.

AIM: polaritywork

'I?d run away, But you can?t run away from yourself or your health so
I deal with the cards that I?m dealt.'




--------------------
But I?ll survive, the pain lets me know I?m alive.
But I still feel that this ain?t livin.


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InvisibleLeViTY
I missed theark.

Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 1,988
Loc: CA
Re: Tired of living... [Re: Digireal]
    #1721332 - 07/16/03 11:14 AM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks for the help, you guys.

Update:

Some of the issues WERE fixed, but things won't ever really be the same and I can't seem to shake this depression.


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InvisibleZero7a1
Leaving YourWasteland

Registered: 10/23/02
Posts: 3,594
Loc: Passing Cloud
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1721586 - 07/16/03 12:55 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

with time... the cold wounds weather like the crevices of the earth. and as you see when you look back into your past you can see the memories... and with time trees will grow, things will flourish where their once thought to be tragedy. this is the change of all life, all we have to try and do is understand what we can. To grow, to live, to change like sky, the rolling hills, or the tides of the ocean. Go outside and stare into the sky, and just watch it as it changes colors, as the clouds morph in and out. its always hard at first, but isnt it always hard when you first start to walk. you know like when you wake up and you cant make a fist? after time, you find the strength again.


--------------------
What?


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OfflineTheHobbit
Pot Head Pixie

Registered: 09/04/02
Posts: 863
Loc: the Oily Way...
Last seen: 20 years, 3 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1721648 - 07/16/03 01:16 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

I'm truly sorry you're feeling so bad right now, but I really believe that time takes care of the loss of those previously close to you, as far as that goes.
I also get very depressed at times too, and am supposed to see a psych for the first time next week; might help, might not, maybe just an objective opinion on some issues.
I've found that in general I feel better about myself as I do things that give me some sense of accomplishment, even just reading a book or learning some new guitar chords, anything to make me feel a little better, although sometimes it can be hard to even get yourself up for that to begin with.
I think the world we live in can get anyone very down at times, especially if you're sensitive to the problems affecting the people and planet. I've generally found things to get better as I've gotten older, if that helps (don't know how old you are, of course), but talking with a proffesional might be a good idea.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1721795 - 07/16/03 02:08 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

n/a


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InvisibleXibalba
Stranger
Registered: 05/13/00
Posts: 2,114
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1722473 - 07/16/03 06:09 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)



Edited by Xibalba (09/30/05 12:35 AM)


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OfflinePDU
travel kid vs.amerika
 User Gallery

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 10,675
Loc: beautiful BC
Last seen: 8 years, 4 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1723153 - 07/16/03 09:42 PM (20 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

LeViTY said:
My entire life is falling apart as I'm realizing that I've done everything wrong and I lost the only person I ever cared about.

I honestly can't see any reason not to jump out into the street and kill myself. My Dad wants to send me back to a full-time psychiatrist, so I can be monitored to ensure I won't hurt myself.

What is the point of living? How do you all do it? I see no reason to ever breathe again.




People have searched for a reason [to live] for centuries and havent found out..life sucks big time, greed, lies, false people and things, money, the air, it fucking sucks. We all live like fucking ant's making absolutely no impact in the grand scheme of things. Hey, its a bummer...as ive mentioned, ive recently started enjoying what i can, and occupying my mind with positivity and not focusing on the shitty things...just trying to make the best of life, it still fucking sucks, but at least i can smile and feel good about myself now. You basically have 3 options, kill yourself, live miserably and be a big bummer, or start changing your view on life.

get custody of yourself..

edited by geokills for negative content.


--------------------
GO OUTSIDE.


Edited by geokills (07/17/03 12:44 PM)


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: Tired of living... [Re: LeViTY]
    #1724034 - 07/17/03 04:30 AM (20 years, 6 months ago)

build something new


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


Edited by Strumpling (07/17/03 04:31 AM)


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Invisiblematts
matts

Registered: 01/28/02 Happy 22nd Shroomiversary!
Posts: 3,649
[Re: Strumpling]
    #1724593 - 07/17/03 11:26 AM (20 years, 6 months ago)



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