A bit of background, my dad passed away this last summer from a heart attack. We finally got around to dealing with his computer because it has been busy. I always knew my dad had porn, hell me and my brother found his playboys and old classic movies. I recently gave the stuff up, because of mixed feelings of the effect on ones mind.
I decided to look at it, I knew there was porn on it that I didn't want my mom to have to deal with.
What I found... really makes me wonder about my dad a bit. In 2004 and further back, it was just jpegs of center folds and such. In 2006 and onwards (the gap I assume was stuff he didn't save or didn't use that computer) was nothing except rape porn. It wasn't even attempted to be hidden, every image had rape somewhere in the title, and the movies were mostly fairly old rape movies as well. Some were just rape from real movies with no actual sex. In fact the majority was less sex, more rape so to speak. Many of the movies only showed a little, but emphasized the act so much. The creepiest movie was this one where this one chick got her door knocked down by a gang led by another chick. They held her down while the one women struggled, the other woman came in and apparently "knew" each other. She said to stop struggling because there was nothing she could do, and the woman being raped in the scene just stopped fighting until the gang left. It was so foul, you couldn't even see penetration in the scene. It was a pure mind fuck. After the rape, she got up and closed the door and took a shower and cried. I know it was all fake, but god damned that is fucked up.
That was the worst, but none were tame, and all were extremely violent. I don't plan on sharing any of this with my mom, but god damned the fuck dad really? I know your life sucked as a doctor and left us too soon, but you never taught me a damned thing about women and you left me with this. Worst timing too, this girl and I were about to date after 7 years of working toward it, she was that one worth waiting for. I scared her off by wanting to help her father with his heart problems and didn't realize how poor their family was and struck the deepest of all nerves without realizing it. He is going to die prematurely without my advice, but until he dies they will be poor and barely scrape by. I stood by while too many died in my family, but they won't listen to my advice before it is too late.
Nothing ever shook me one bit until now, I never lived in denial, but when you know your dad was going at it to rape porn instead of wanting to vent at least with his kids, and try to show at least some love to my mom... you question alot of things. It is times like these that I wish I never did mushrooms, they helped transform me in a person that instead of being run by hate and anger to give me charge throughout my day, is now fulfilled by care and love. The unfortunate thing is the sources of hate and rage in the word were infinite as even without drugs the conscious thought that somewhere someone was being raped/maimed/slaughtered/burned/stabbed/etc and there was nothing I could do, but accept it has on numerous occasions almost drove me to the point of violent protest. I now strive to do all I can to help those around me, and hope the best for the rest. Love and caring, something I was so close to having, holding a woman in my arms and just staring into her eyes and having the feeling of warmth based on knowing how much joy I bring her. I thought I was finally about to fulfill one of my vows that I would be a better man to women than my dad. I don't even desire sex for self pleasure, only as a sacred act of souls coming together that cannot be separated. It will not happen for awhile, and I must do my best not to lose her as a friend.
I decided to restart my mycology efforts, I need to explore my mind again. Even the day my dad died my cousin and brother cried while toking while I simply remained unfazed, I simply cannot have a bad experience with psychedelics. My friends tried it once to prove me wrong, didn't warn me in advance or anything, it is when I am in that zone that nothing gets me. Nothing gets me now either though, except sometimes when I dream or am about to fall asleep. Well... maybe not nothing, this got me, but I will be fine by tomorrow morning and continue as normal. I am too strong minded to ever crumble, I want to see it happen though, something I can't just brush off in a day. I want to find my weakness, I want to understand the pain some describe, but I cannot feel. I want to experience the gash, not just the prick. Maybe I will find it this time with the mushrooms, my mind wants to feel the true force of ego death and I will grant its wish.
If you read the whole thing, cool.
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