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I was walking around tonight, emptying my mind. I decided to walk by old places in this city, to see if i could feel emanations from the past.
I have a quirky memory. Everything is short term. my long term memories are all flashes. Not to say i get lost in my forgetfulness, i still make chains of association and can trace the progress of things when i need to.
so many important things i don't remember though. especially emotions and thoughts.
So i was walking past old houses, and it was a completely blank. i didn't have the sensation of seeing something new, but that was about the extent of it.
i was feeling a bit sad, i've known this for awhile, but most of the treasures of my life eventually fall of my pockets and get lost.
I just get these faint echos. half second flashes of the most important stuff.
I walked past a porch where me and an ex-girlfriend became bonded. It was a flash of lightning and magic. I was kind of looking to re-experience some of that joy, and i'm glad it was still there, but i didn't remember that moment until tonight.
i was just a stranger to her, she invited me and some people to chill in her backyard and drink beer. the next day i noticed she had hidden some candy in my backpack. So i went to go see her that afternoon, and i forget what exactly, but she was going somewhere for most of the day. So i came back that night, and for reasons i don't recall set up a couple candles on her porch and got a blanket and slept on the couch that was outside. She got home at like 12.
I dunno, sometimes i'm open to the idea that my thoughts are very skewed. we had nothing in common, were total strangers, but those two moments of me finding candy in my bag and her finding me on her porch seem to me like what kept us together for so long. even when we fucking hated each other. I dunno, i really believe that the seeds of the future are found in every moment. All of the love we would ever feel for each other were wrapped up in those two moments, and the rest was just unfolding.
for me, every i love you she could ever say was a reeses cleverly hidden. (she had a bag that night and i told her i'm a total sucker for reeses, and that i'd just consume them till they were gone. She hid them in my backpack so that i wouldn't find them till later, so i could have some joy another time also. I dunno, its crazy but i don't think i've ever been so charmed. I knew instantly she loved me. Sneaky, tricksy love that surprised when i needed it most.)
I'm usually not very nostalgic. i wonder if its somewhat intentional that i'm so forgetful. This is truely rare for me to try an extract anything but reason from the past.
i was going for a second indulgence during my walk. I had another ex, her and i would walk around new york city very late at night. we would walk pretty slowly, not talking for hours at a time, just holding onto each other very tightly and looking at EVERYTHING. we were like ghosts. we wouldn't even talk about what we were looking at till we got home, we were tuned in enough that it was just following the other person's eyes and seeing what they saw. when we got home we'd find we'd often been looking at the same thing, and thinking the same wordless inexpressible thoughts. The shadow of a gate here, a person with disheveled hair there. we were completely engrossed in trivial detail, and completely in harmony and sync with each other.
we did that for months, even when she worked days. she'd get home at 10pm and we'd leave at 12am and get back at 6am. at the time i rarely considered what kind of sleep deprivation she was experiencing.
that was the most magical and meaningful moments for me emotionally in my whole life. Its been a long time but thinking about that is still one of those things that just kind of makes me want to cry without reason.
i was sad, because i used to retrace our steps whenever i visited nyc. I would try my hardest to feel her, to become completely lost in memory. I was once successful in seeing her, as though i had stepped into a memory.
over time though, i can't retrace that stuff at all. all those nights and feelings are compressed into one half second...
now when i walk by where she worked, i can't see her at all, i can only remember that one time i was able to see her. Memories of trying to relive memories.
So those were the two parts of my walk. a rare indulgence in nostalgia, and feeling the comfort and strength of knowing I live if not in the immediate present, then at least i'm in the ballpark.
If you've actually read that, then here is a little reward, when i got home, i did this meditation to clear my mind:
i close my eyes and put my hands over them. I'm looking at darkness, but with my hands i feel the borders of my skull. I let my awareness transition from being an entire head, looking out at the world, to being a point in darkness looking at this black cave. Once the awareness starts to switch, i move my hands around feeling all over my head, till i have 360 degree awareness of the empty space i am inhabiting.
for me its very quick, i go from being flesh and bone, to being awareness encapsulated inside of my body.
the benefit being a person has many concerns, the awareness looking at my body has few concerns and thoughts.
when i open my eyes i'm temporarily blank and fresh, able to move in any direction with renewed focus.
if you try it out, i hope it works for you. takes about 30 seconds. inside your body, not made of your body.
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You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.
Edited by truekimbo2 (07/07/10 03:49 AM)
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