Just wanted to share,maybe I'm crying out, looking for advice or just want to speak to someone other then myself.But to speak not as myself, but as someone different in the world of words. I think it all began back when I was in middle school. I had three best friends that I hung out with, but as time passed they broke away into the popular group. Choosing which side they wanted to dwell in. As for me I had no friends after that, I remember walking the halls before class with my head down, not really noticing people but acknowledging them. In about 7Th grade I had an opportunity to get out of the crowded corporate middle school. After several incidents of detention and eventually expulsion.
When I was allowed to come back, I got an opportunity to go to "alternative" school. They sat a group of 7 or 8 of us in a room that I had never ben in in the school. They told us to close our eyes and asked us an array of questions. each one that we agreed on or was closest to us we raised our hands. The last question they asked us if we would like to go to this alt. school. Those of us who wanted to raised our hands. I'm not sure who else did, because none of them went to the school after wards. The next day I was the first one to turn in my application for this school. What they did not tell us was this school was for trouble kids, people who had abuse in the family, drug related issues, teen pregnancies etc.
After that nobody in the corporate school new where I went, I disappeared from it. Time passed and new things happened. this school was rented out in a small area, and this was where I first discovered marijuana. From then on I became a stoner, sneaking out of the building or in parts of it to smoke, causing trouble. Nothing too severe. I think I did it to get attention, or because I was caught up in the moment. Towards the end of this school, having a "pre" graduation from it and transitioning into high school it came apparent. I had no friends, no real friends. When I looked into going to 9Th grade I had a chance to go to an academy, basically a cot made into an alt. school for 9Th graders, I got deeper into mj, and popping pills. Much of that period is a blur. But I do remember seeing people ruin their lifes. The "grace"period before they really fucked up their lifes. I saw a cool guy, funny guy. He always made me laugh, but he ended up disowning his parents and being sent to Juvy. A some where on a destructive path to a drug infested life, others where there trying to get back on track.
Time passed and some where kicked out. I ended up passing(I think). For the next year of school I ended up going to yet another alt. school for high school. Again, druggies pregnant teens and trouble makers. You had the vary few that where goodie kids doing what they where suppose to. Long story short I ended up getting kicked out for having pills on me. After that the stoners I thought where my friends, where not. I had no friends. years past and I felt the detachment begin. Talking to people became harder and harder, I ventured out into town less and less. Time drew by, still no friends. Thinking back, even in elementary school I was happiest when I couldn't go in field trips because I couldn't afford it. Being alone in class was the funnest time.
Now in the present, I don't talk to people, and if I have to its a burden. I could go days, even weeks without talking to anyone but myself. Day in and day out I'm alone for the weeks, and socialize minimal with family on the weekends. Mostly small sentences or words to have a kosher legitimate convo. When people come over I stay in my room, its now to the point where I don't like people. I don't like them as humans and I don't like them near me. I don't trust anyone, and I don't get close to anyone. Strangely I'm happy without them, but at the same time I can feel it tearing me apart day by day. Like my mind is fighting with itself. One side saying I need people the other saying fuck em. I'm lonely inside but every attempt to socialize with someone, its like something is holding me back, saying no inside my mind.
I'm to the point where I cant be normal in public, I mostly observe people. if they talk to me I "act" as an average joe to get it done and over with. I now get social anxiety to no end, maybe Ive always had it and that was the issue all these years, i don't know. My heart starts beating, my head gets hot, and my breath quickens but at the same time goes heavy. Talking with girls or women is even more devastating. Ive had many attempts to contact them through the net, being my only way to find them. As typing words is easier then speaking them.I cant do it, No matter how hard I try. If one say we should meet, or talk I end it right there, But yet the situation of us together or meeting races through my mind weeks after. Maybe the medical issues I have plays a part I don't know. But I guess that's how it is. I feel there is no return to normal, I'm stuck the way I am psychologically and theres no fixing it. I could be the last human on earth and I would be happy. people seem to go insane being alone, but Ive grown to except it and love it, but yet hate it at times.
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except for me a decade passed since I was where you were.
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