Auto-SummaryThe author is seeking advice and guidance, describing their troubled past and experiences that may be contributing to their emotional and psychological struggles. They share a series of disturbing and concerning events, including aggressive behavior towards their siblings, self-harm, and substance abuse, which began at a young age. The author's home life was marked by parental divorce and their own struggles with social isolation, leading to a reliance on computer activities and eventually, a circle of friends who enabled their self-destructive behaviors. A significant turning point came when they started dating Emily, but a panic attack triggered by a perceived betrayal led to a newfound ability to control their anxiety, albeit at the cost of increased apathy. The author hints at a complex relationship with their emotions, expressing a desire to understand and address the underlying causes of their struggles. They are seeking feedback and guidance, inviting readers to engage with their story and offer insights to help them move forward.
Warning: this is not a worthy read unless you have knowledge of psychology or sociology. I'd rather not have people commenting on things I wrote.. I'm just writing it so I can get pointed in the right direction (therapy, psychiatrist, etc)
Thank you for volunteering to be my temporary psychologist. Not sure what the title should be but that's as good as any I guess. I am not sober but not flaked either so you should be able to understand what I'm saying.
I was fine from what my parents say when I was 0-6 years old, then we moved and they got divoriced and they say that's when everything started going downhill. It should also be noted that I didn't start my first year of school until I moved so there is no foundation to say I haven't had some type of disorder since birth. I don't remember much at all from 6th grade (when I left public school) or before. Maybe it was subconsciously blocked out?
A few things that may need to be noted, they're memories that have definitely stuck in my mind. I have 2 sisters. (1) & (2)
Chasing my sister(2) around the house with a baseball bat. I believe she was actually scared and I continued chasing her, I really don't think I meant to hurt her at all (which I didn't.. Wasn't swinging or anything)
Another time I did something or someone else did.. Either way my sister (1) was crying about something and I told her that it was stupid that she was crying and she should stop.
This is more recent (5-6 yrs).. For some reason my sister was doing something I didn't like and wouldnt stop or wouldn't talk to me for some reason so I went to the main power source for the whole house and flipped the switch. When I came back in she was singing loudly about God (just taunting me probably) so I yelled at her and told her how her voice sounds like shit (only being a dick, she has a beautiful voice) and I believe I said some other nasty things.
Another time is when I had a friend over and... Really no clue why I did it, but just joking around I held a steak knife to my throat and said I was going to kill myself. Not in a bad mood just joking around. I was probably 8 or 9 at the time.
I was always picked on in school, used to be very fat and always the tallest kid. Everyone just thought I was different, which I am. I don't have any stories about my public school years because I don't remember them.. Except that I quit every single sport, event, whatever that I ever joined. And getting made fun of in the locker room for my bitch tits, fat covered dick. And footlong stretchmarks. The last one still does and always will haunt me  .
From what I remember after that, I was out for a month or 2 then finished out the year at a private Christian school. Going on to 7th grade now, I started homeschooling.. My teacher was a family friend and long story short I passed with flying colors by doing about 20% of the work in grade 7 through 10.
Since I barely did any school, and all the people I could potentially hang out with were at school. So, I spent my days and nights, for 3 years, in my key social development stages, on a computer. I was either playing games, or coding, or chatting and hacking: those nerds that can do basically anything? That -was- me. Now I don't have time to be on the computer all say and when I do get it I'm extremely unproductive.
Then came tim. Tim is a white trailer trash lowlife motherfucker if I've ever seen one. Him & his whole family. But they were people who accepted me so I forced myself to accept them. Basically I sat around with tim learning how to say fuck every other word and bitch at evey tiny thing that wasnt perfect and watch tv. Oh and watch him get into extremely angry yelling fights with his mom - and sometimes his drunk stepdad when he felt like saying something. Then I started drinking with him........................ Wondering what's with all the dots? Eh that's probably the amount of bottled liquor I downed by myself not counting the beer, mixed, and foo foo drinks. Then I started smoking pot with his mom. Drinking - I never really noticed a change in myself. Smoking.. I felt it. I knew after a few times that I'd never be the same, yet for some reason I kept smoking. Then Tim's sister had a friend come over. I knew this so I took a shot of everclear at home to be loosened up then drove over.
So I met her. Emily and I kicked it off pretty well.. we were both introverts, we.. well.. hmm. I uh, I guess that right there is a winner.
So anyway, I asked her out. Second girl I ever asked out. We ended up hitting it off good I guess you could say... Fuck it, she was the love of my life that gave my life meaning, but all we did was fuck all day. Getting to far ahead though, that wasn't until a month or so after we started dating. About 3 weeks after we started dating, she came over to tims with one of her friends and I got tims moms pipe and some cannabis. Well anyway, I smoked a lot more than I ever had before, and that shit must have had an extremely high concentration of.. whatever gives you paranoia.. because I was seriously wigging the fuck out. I saw a light come on and thought the cops had come out so I grabbed them and made them run inside with me then I locked myself in a room and flipped out after every sound I heard. Then while I'm still trippin about every little thing Emily tells me she feels bad because a week after I asked her out she gave a guy a kiss on the lips, but just a quick peck.
That's where my 3 day long panic attack started. From that I gained the "ability".. guess it's like working a muscle that hasn't been stretched in forever.. to control my mood and anxiety. If I take the anxiety up enough my body will start to twitch. I believe this may be part of my apathy problem.
After that I decided I wanted to go to public school, so I went and talked to the principal and was enrolled within a week. I joined the football team and there's no way I was going to quit this time. <stuff about going to the dr for being too happy. not controlling what i say. etc> Also about pulling hair out and smelling things
Sorry, but I have to stop here so I can get some sleep for tomorrow. If you read this far and you're interested then please reply and say anything.. just so I know someone is interested in reading, then I'll finish it out. Thank you.
Edited by Anonymous (05/28/09 05:49 AM)
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