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Shyness
    #7891837 -

I have always been shy. I don't know why. I have the feeling that because of this, I have missed out on a lot of opportunities in life...I won't be as successful as my peers at a career...etc. Every time I find myself with strangers, I always have an imagined voice in my head repeatedly telling me how inferior I am. Do any of you have any ideas on learning, hardwiring into my brain, how to interact better with other people?

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Re: Shyness [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7891866 -

Well the simple answer is to be yourself.

But the thing is, it's going to be hard to be yourself if you keep thinking like that. The first thing you need to know is that shyness can be overcome, who knows when or how, but it can be.

Whenever that voice starts to act up again, just tell yourself this too will pass. It will do wonders for your mental health if you stay positive about yourself.

It wouldn't hurt to work on your self image. Don't think of it as a vanity project, but as a work of art. You are a piece of art that's unable to express itself, so you should work on expressing yourself in a way that works the best for yourself.

Do not worry about other people because they aren't worrying about you, they have themselves on their mind too. Keep that in mind all the time.

I used to be like you. I'm here to tell you it's possible to beat your shyness, but you have to put in effort to improve your life in general and your effort will naturally show itself to other people later in life. Confidence comes naturally when you're happy with yourself.

Remember, this too will pass.

Godspeed.

Edited by Bloodhound (01/17/08 06:10 AM)

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Re: Shyness [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7891892 -

Anonymous said:
I have always been shy. I don't know why. I have the feeling that because of this, I have missed out on a lot of opportunities in life...I won't be as successful as my peers at a career...etc. Every time I find myself with strangers, I always have an imagined voice in my head repeatedly telling me how inferior I am. Do any of you have any ideas on learning, hardwiring into my brain, how to interact better with other people?


I used to be pretty shy, I couldn't even talk to girls. Let me tell you, I feel like the stupidest person in the world for it now. I feel so bad for anybody that is shy, it's the worst thing and nobody understands unless they have been there. There's hope, you can change. You need to ignore those feelings and ask yourself "what would I do if I wasn't afraid" and just do it, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Eventually you will realize that you were being irrational and you will feel terribly stupid for it. Trust me it's not as hard as you think to change. There's no reason to be shy, but the cause of it is irrational thinking. Don't worry about what other people think, people don't constantly judge you like you think. Especially being shy around strangers, who gives a shit what any person you don't even know has to say, ever. Find a way to boost your self esteem and your life will be twice as good, trust me. I hope this helps.

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Re: Shyness [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #7891997 -

Like you alluded to, shyness is a self-esteem issue.  You have to realize everybody feels inadequate fairly regularly, just in different ways.

Quote:
Do any of you have any ideas on learning, hardwiring into my brain, how to interact better with other people?


Practice is the only thing that has worked for me.  Interact as much as possible.  Make small talk with store clerks and people at bus stops.  If you don't know how to do this, or what to say, watch other people.  Watch how they interact. Remember what they say to open a conversation. 

It takes an active 'push' to do this, because you are not used to it, but it gets easier every time.  Most interactions will be positive or neutral.  Once in a while it will be negative (the person will react rudely), but in those situations it's clear who the jerk is, and it's not you.

There's really nothing to fear, but shy people (and believe me I'm familiar with shyness) are afraid of a bad reaction -- one that will confirm their true fear: that they are not a worthy person.  In reality, somebody's reaction says nothing about you at all.

You always have a choice whether you are going to interact with people or avoid interaction, and you'll almost always feel shitty for avoiding it, and you'll almost always feel good for making the other choice.

If you take anything from this post, make it this:

Every time you give in to your shyness, it gets worse.

Every time you act in spite of it, it gets better.

Avoiding interaction is not neutral, it really makes you weaker and you feel more inadequate.

And smile! 

:smile:


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:

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Re: Shyness [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7892277 -

Shyness as a concept isnt real. It is only useful to use it as a means to describe a feeling you live with when you talk to people.

Remember that YOU are not SHYNESS. Shyness is only FELT by you.

That little voice in your head, is a part of you and the thoughts are what CREATE SHYNESS, NOT you.

You are a conciousness. IVe studied psychology and if i were to come up to you and rip out your memories, you would cease to FEEL SHYNESS.

Really then, SHYNESS is hard to bring yourself through, because of all the bad experiences you've had with it and the continous inability for people in our culture, brought up in our culture to ACCEPT feelings like FEAR, of which SHYNESS is.

Alot of what all these guys say is gonna help.

Try to get it through your head that SHYNESS is not irrational and anytime you feel it, is because of a thought about who you are, that is the foundation for questions of inferiority.

The only reason you feel this feeling is because of your subconcious thought process. Which with time will be hardwired into reacting in a relaxed feeling around people.

I would suggest this special therapy called : CORE BELIEF ENGINEERING>

I will be undertaking one of these sessions pretty soon prolly. Check it out on google.


What makes this different than most therapies, is that it gets to the foundation of your feelings that you KNOW limit you, from experiencing who you are...a free being.

It usually takes the person back to a traumatic event that usually gets triggered, as an adaptation mechanism to protect you from it again, through feelings like SHYNESS, basically fear.

Choose to KNOW SHYNESS. MAke it a goal. Imagine situations that make you feel uneasy and QUESTION, QUESTION and SAY NO, when you feel like 'just because'.

And when it finally gives you room to breath. Notice that all personalities, even the ones you deem superior are all based in conciousness itself. Without conciousness, so pure, like that of a baby or kid, personalities would cease to exist.

This is who we all are...conciousness driven by love, curiosity and pleasure.

Know that you can effect a change on your feelings, forming them into ones you think are true...do this even in times that you see you have almost zero control over them....

LOVE and peace conciousness!


--------------------
The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.

And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.

Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.

Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....

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Re: Shyness [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #7892859 -

WhiskeyClone said:
If you take anything from this post, make it this:

Every time you give in to your shyness, it gets worse.

Every time you act in spite of it, it gets better.



I wish I knew this before, I had to learn it the hard way. It's very very true.

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Re: Shyness [Re: Caribou_Lou]
    #7895406 -

i had similar problems. I fixed it one day, and here's how:

I sat in front of my mirror for 45 minutes and figured out the facial position for a very natural, friendly looking smile. I practiced it until i could mimic it with ease - without even thinking.

Then, when i would be at a store, any sort - i would just ask the cashier how their (morning/night/afternoon) was going so far. People instantly open up and are much more cheerful - and you play off of it.

Eventually it went from cashiers (who practically HAVE to talk to you) to random people on the street (ask the time, or something similar anyone would know). Once you see that you can interact on a normal level with just about everyone, it'll be much easier.

Sure - occasionally you'll get some asshole that just ignores you and those old thoughts start to come back - but then you just remind yourself that some people suck.

I'm not saying it'll work for everyone, but it worked for me. Once i was able to have a conversation with anyone, i worked on the rest of the whole "self-confidence" thing. Proper posture, eye contact, body language, appearance etc.

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Re: Shyness [Re: memes]
    #7895478 -

Eye contact was a big deal for me awhile ago, I feel so silly about it now.. I would almost avoid making eye contact with people and it was just very awkward

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Re: Shyness [Re: Caribou_Lou]
    #7895587 -

so much great advice already, i really don't know what else to add that hasn't been said by others.

However, if your shyness has led you to the point of reclusive behavior, as mine has before, then take a step back.

Reason with yourself.

When that condescending voice creeps back in your noggin, ask yourself if this is how you would treat a friend.

Would you ever be so shallow as to judge a friend by their inadequacies as you might be judging yourself?

I struggle with it to from time to time. A few years ago, when i got pressured by my physician to try lexapro, it got worse. Then i quit the ssris. Then it got even worse because i chose to self medicate with kratom. Long story short, i know where you are coming from. I know how self-defeating it can be.
Get out there and connect with people!
HAKUNA MATATA

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