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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8003255 - 02/10/08 12:02 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

It's the kind of thing where we're both just kind of shy, but it's gone on so long now that it's just kind of ridiculous and I've become embarrased by my childish inability to talk to him.




I had a situation like that. We'd been exchanging stupid looks and smiles for ridiculously long. One day, instead of saying nothing I just smiled and said, "I feel like I should at least know your name by now," and we introduced ourselves.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: appleorange]
    #8003364 - 02/10/08 12:58 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

appleorange: how do you know they don't? Smart girls are often shy girls. If you really wanna meet girls who know about Nietzsche, go to liberal arts college and take a few philosophy classes-- there are almost always cuties in those.:yesnod:

WhiskyClone: ...aaand? What happened?


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8004124 - 02/10/08 10:38 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

...aaand? What happened?




We had a few conversations and I learned she was only 18. I was 26 so I never asked her out. Very friendly, but I can't be going out with a high school girl. We still have little friendly chats when I go to the store where she works.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineMadtowntripper
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #8004383 - 02/10/08 12:04 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

WhiskeyClone said:

We had a few conversations and I learned she was only 18.  I was 26 so I never asked her out.  Very friendly, but I can't be going out with a high school girl. 




And I thought you were cool, too.

:mad2:


--------------------
After one comes, through contact with it's administrators, no longer to cherish greatly the law as a remedy in abuses, then the bottle becomes a sovereign means of direct action.  If you cannot throw it at least you can always drink out of it.  - Ernest Hemingway

If it is life that you feel you are missing I can tell you where to find it.  In the law courts, in business, in government.  There is nothing occurring in the streets. Nothing but a dumbshow composed of the helpless and the impotent.    -Cormac MacCarthy

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.  - Aeschylus


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: Madtowntripper]
    #8006440 - 02/10/08 08:41 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

I saw him again today and, again, didn't talk to him. My excuse this time is that both of us were in the middle of conversations with other people. :doh:


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Invisiblemushbaby
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8007737 - 02/11/08 06:29 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

How about just a wink then?


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: mushbaby]
    #8008443 - 02/11/08 11:41 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

At this point I'm just so annoyed with myself that it won't be so hard anymore, it's a choice between being a little bit nervous and maybe acting a little bit awkward but also feeling really good about myself, or being embarrassed and angry with myself for continuing a pattern that has no positive function in my life.


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OfflineAmber_Glow
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8008480 - 02/11/08 11:48 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

I am a really shy guy so I am going to speak for this dude.

#1. You are both shy and attracted to each other, which makes you even more shy. If you go up and say anything to this guy, you will probably be all nervous and awkward but so will he. Even if you appear externally nervous this will probably comfort him because he is nervous too. After you walk away he will say to himself "Oh my god I must have looked like a real fool, but I could tell she was nervous too, phew". So don't worry about fumbling the whole thing, it will just make him feel better. Your first awkward moments will be a comforting shared misery between the two of you.

#2. Yeah you may say hi to each other and you may give him a cute smile and you may think this whole interaction is communicating that you think he is a cutie but do not underestimate the ability for a shy guy to dismiss all hints or cues that may exist. 'Oh she is a real polite girl, she says hi to me every day'. 'I wonder if she is interested in me? Probably not or she would have talked to me by now...' etc. You should make things very clear for him. He may feel as though he will look like a fool if he approaches you and talks to you. You have to tip the balance so that he will know he is a fool NOT to go after you. Start a conversation with him, and somehow establish very clearly that you think he is cute and you two should hang out some time. There is no way to mistake this message.

For de-anxiousing to accomplish #2, refer to #1.


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OfflineTangerines
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: Amber_Glow]
    #8008666 - 02/11/08 12:38 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Good advice. I am terrible at picking up on hints from girls. I wish they were blunt.


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: mushbaby]
    #8009012 - 02/11/08 02:26 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

mushbaby said:
How about just a wink then?




Winks will get you nowhere! Words! Words!  :crankey:


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #8009031 - 02/11/08 02:31 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Are you kidding?  Her simply winking should break down any shyness barrier he has and invoke an acute response.  I have NEVER had a girl wink at me.  If she did I'd be all over it :lol:  To me that means, "Hey I'm interested you, come talk to me."


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: Newbie]
    #8009077 - 02/11/08 02:41 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

He probably wouldn't say anything right away, then he'd overthink what he IS going to say next time, he's probably already doing that. :shrug: I mean, the guy hasn't said anything after all this time; just say something to the poor bastard.


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineNewbieS
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #8009154 - 02/11/08 02:56 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

:lol:  Yeah I guess in this case words are the only option.


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: Newbie]
    #8009169 - 02/11/08 03:00 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Someone's always gotta say something first.  There'd be a lot more people getting together if women would take 50% of that responsibility.

...for better or worse. :smirk:


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: Amber_Glow]
    #8009830 - 02/11/08 05:48 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Amber_Glow said:
I am a really shy guy so I am going to speak for this dude.

#1.  You are both shy and attracted to each other, which makes you even more shy.  If you go up and say anything to this guy, you will probably be all nervous and awkward but so will he.  Even if you appear externally nervous this will probably comfort him because he is nervous too.  After you walk away he will say to himself "Oh my god I must have looked like a real fool, but I could tell she was nervous too, phew".  So don't worry about fumbling the whole thing, it will just make him feel better.  Your first awkward moments will be a comforting shared misery between the two of you.

#2.  Yeah you may say hi to each other and you may give him a cute smile and you may think this whole interaction is communicating that you think he is a cutie but do not underestimate the ability for a shy guy to dismiss all hints or cues that may exist.  'Oh she is a real polite girl, she says hi to me every day'.  'I wonder if she is interested in me?  Probably not or she would have talked to me by now...' etc.  You should make things very clear for him.  He may feel as though he will look like a fool if he approaches you and talks to you.  You have to tip the balance so that he will know he is a fool NOT to go after you.  Start a conversation with him, and somehow establish very clearly that you think he is cute and you two should hang out some time.  There is no way to mistake this message.

For de-anxiousing to accomplish #2, refer to #1.




You're completely right. This is at least all of what goes through my mind in these situations, so it's probably fair to assume that other shy people have the same thoughts.:smirk:

I've pretty much figured this was the situation and the way to deal with it, its just a matter of pushing past my ingrained fears and habits and taking the risk of looking stupid, being rejected, realizing we have nothing in common and would be a terrible match, or just having a few awkward days of something that end due to the extreme awkwardness. These things are all possible, but when it comes down to it all of these things have already happened to me enough times that I know they aren't that bad in the end. So now the only possible course of action is to just go for it and see what happens.

Oh yeah, and over the years I've found that just openly stating how nervous or awkward I am totally helps alleviate it, because being totally transparent takes the pressure level down and makes it kind of funny. Its when I try to play it cool and pretend I'm more grounded and confident than I really am that the fear escalates and I back down because I can't maintain the illusion.


Edited by NiamhNyx (02/11/08 05:52 PM)


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InvisibleMushmanTheManic
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8009897 - 02/11/08 06:02 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Why don't you try talking to him? You're really going to randomly start flirting with some guy that you don't know?


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: MushmanTheManic]
    #8009928 - 02/11/08 06:11 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Did you read any of the thread? That's what this is about... I have been distantly and subtly firting with a guy I don't know. The issue is that I have to psych myself up to talk to him.


Edited by NiamhNyx (02/11/08 11:02 PM)


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Invisiblemushbaby
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8012211 - 02/12/08 06:50 AM (15 years, 11 months ago)

All this angst!

Good thing I'm not at that coffee shop with you. I would grab your hand, drag you up there and say "Hi! This is insert your name here, and what's your name? Now go, shoo! I'll ask you both 2 questions about the other person in 10 min. Loser buys the coffee."

Of course it would be easy for me. I'm not the one attracted to him. But it is starting to sound like you need a friend intervention here!

My friends would tell you I can be a little pushy but only in the most loving, funny way.


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OfflineNiamhNyx
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: mushbaby]
    #8027119 - 02/15/08 12:33 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

I did it!

We went to the same Valentines cabaret party last night, and towards the end of the evening, while we were dancing, I finally just went over to him and said that it's silly I never talk to him, and he said something like 'yeah, i'm bad at these things' and we had a good laugh and danced some more and that was that. So now that I've finally just sucked it up, we're onto phase two: actually having what will likely be semi-nervous awkward conversations. That's cool. I'm stoked.


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InvisibleVeritas
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Re: Breaking the ice after an extended winter of shyness [Re: NiamhNyx]
    #8027162 - 02/15/08 12:45 PM (15 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

we're onto phase two: actually having what will likely be semi-nervous awkward conversations




Ahhh, romance!  :lol:


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