Auto-SummaryThe writer shares a transformative personal journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth, sparked by a painful realization of his own suffering. At 28, he began to feel the effects of his partying lifestyle, but it wasn't until he hit 30 that he hit rock bottom, struggling with chronic fatigue, anger, and back problems. A relationship with a woman he met around this time forced him to confront his emotional vulnerability, leading to a panic attack that made him re-evaluate his life. He discovered chakra meditation, which he credits with saving his life, and has since dedicated himself to spiritual growth, incorporating practices like incense, crystals, and vipassana meditation. Through meditation, he claims to have overcome his back problems, low self-esteem, and emotional turmoil, and now feels empowered, strong, and blissful. He attributes his transformation to the practice of chakra meditation, which helped him tap into his heart and eventually his third eye chakra, and encourages others to explore similar practices for their own growth and well-being.
I left out a lot, but this post may be overly long. Just trying to make things clear.
I'm 35.
When I was younger, everything was a joke. Diet, exercise, fuck that stuff. I feel fine. In fact, I feel like having a few beers, maybe a few jello shooters, couple shots. Who needs plenty of sleep? I might not feel good, but I'll work it off... and be ready to party before the sun goes down.
When I was 28 the system started to break down. I was becoming anti-social. I still had my friends, but I didn't go out to meet new exciting people, I went out to get drunk. Hangovers were bad, and I would drink one night, and nurse my body the next. I started taking a multi-vitamin, but when you're eating burgers, fries, pizza and soda all the time, along with liberal amounts of alcohol, it's not worth much. It was at the age of 28 that I first thought I might not be able to party my life away.
Around the age of 30, I was in poor health. I was always tired, and I was angry. I was angry because I had backed off (not quit) on the drinking, but I only felt worse. I was having back problems which made my right leg a constant source of pain. If god exists, he/she can go fuck themselves, thanks for the back problems asshole. I wasn't able to acknowledge at the time that it was all due to my lifestyle.
So I met a girl. I was a needy guy, so as time went on, her image of me sank. This was hell. See, I had my share of sex in my 20's (though I could never get "enough"), but it was all one night stands, and 1 month relationships. Love was never part of the equation, and that's what made it so bad this time around. I had basically sworn off girls. At first I tried to ignore my desire, but she was so beautiful, and she gave me attention. I spent close to 4 months getting indicators that she liked me, and I tried to just let it slide. But my HEART didn't. One day I was sitting around, allowing myself to think about her, and this spot in my chest started to vibrate. It was localized, but it was such a sweet and powerful feeling. This is the reason for relationships, I thought to myself.
So I tried to work it out. We went out a couple times, things didn't go badly, but because I was so concerned about fostering "the love" I felt like a blind man. All the things I would have said in the past seemed crude. All my attempts to convey how I felt resulted in embarrassment, and it only got worse. Eventually, she started to ignore/avoid me. The last time we were going to go out, she wouldn't answer the phone. I had a panic attack. My whole body was consumed with stress, and I felt like dying.
I even thought about calling my mother. 
What happened is that I was sitting on my bed, trying to rationalize things, and it got to much. I had so much stress in me that muscles were twitching. I was perhaps in more pain than I have ever been in, and there was nothing physically wrong with me. Some part of me (not the thinking part) realized that the stress in me was there because I wasn't willing to let go. So I layed back and that's what I did. I let go. And it's odd, the stress in me became bliss. I like to say that emotions are neither good nor bad, it depends on the definition you give to them. That came from this episode. I feel the worst I've ever felt (aside from a few hero hangovers), and 15 seconds later I feel better than I've ever felt. Everything was cool, but it was more than that. There was this acknowledgement that there was a "path" that I should follow.
Had this happened at a more naive time in my life, I might be a born again Christian, but fortunately I had seen through enough illusions in my life to know that no one knows ultimate reality, and if I was going to be the next Jesus, I had to get there on my own.
There were a lot of illusions to be broken down, but that was a great time in my life. I quit drinking, discovered meditation, started eating more raw foods, bought incense, crystals. Aside from the crystals (which seem like attention holding toys) I found value in all of it. Especially chakra meditation. I have discovered vipassana meditation, but chakras still hold a lot of value to me. Without chakra meditation I don't believe I wouldn't have had the presence of mind to "get" vipassana.
fake guru: Don't mess with all that mind stuff, just BE. I did energy meditation for years and finally found vipassana. Just skip the energy work.
me: So you're saying that you did energy work for years, and found vipassana. Now you suggest that people don't do energy work?
fake guru: yes.
me: you're a dick.
LOL
Chakra meditation basically saved my life. It was something to hold onto, something that make me feel good. I'm not talking about good - about myself. I'm talking about physically feeling good.
And it's all due to that little feeling I had in my chest for a girl that showed interest in me. My heart chakra. I've been doing chakra meditation for 3 years now. I've just got to the point where I can pull enough energy into my head to start working on my third eye. Within a year, I'll have all my chakras open, and hopefully balanced.
I get up in the morning, have a glass of water, take a shower, and meditate for 20 minutes. By the time I'm done meditating, I feel like a god. Seriously. I feel strong, blissful, benevolent, empowered, energetic... if it's a good emotion, I've probably got it. If not, give me 20 minutes and I'll have it. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just trying to get across how easy it can be to turn the so-so feeling of "oh, another day" into "fuck yea, I'm alive!" It takes work, but once you've been doing it for a few weeks, there's no going back. It gets so easy it seems unreal. This is from a nobody, too smart for his own good, drunk, with permanent back problems, and extremely low self esteem, who's only friends were as pessimistic and as lost as I was, dead end job, no spare change (unless it was for alcohol), sit at home and play video games or masturbate, kinda guy.
But it took being in more pain that I could take to decide to change. There was a time when I would have laughed at meditation. Wow, OK, you lay there and hum, I'll go do something exciting, like jump out of a tree.
I thought meditation was for people who couldn't hack it. I was right. Perhaps some people can stand against the wind their entire lives. Lucky for me, I couldn't.
--------------------
rahz
comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace I am I feel I do I love I speak I see I know
To shrink a person's vocabulary is to shrink their capacity to think.
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