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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7005317 -

Like I said, "Good luck with all that." :voila:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7005354 -

Don't worry about Ice, he's thinking in terms of the past and does not realize the potential that exists within a personal situation that isn't even his. :wink:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7006831 -

You'll learn lessons the same way we all do... through life experiences. You're doing the right thing. Nobody said any of this, life in a general sense, would be easy, did they? I don't know why we all expect it to be.

You get out of life what you put into it. Hard work will always be rewarded in one sense or another...


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7007605 -

fireworks_god said:
Don't worry about Ice, he's thinking in terms of the past and does not realize the potential that exists within a personal situation that isn't even his. :wink:


Don't consider fireworks, he's on a chemical cloud of pure infatuation and thinks he is able to directly experience reality.:D

I don't know for sure what your outcome will be. But I'm not 22 and have the long view of these things, from my experience and watching many many others go through what you are going through. What you are discribing usually doesn't work out.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Icelander]
    #7007682 -

But isn't every situation unique and different? Do you think that is where we go wrong? We constantly compare ourselves to the mistakes and past failures of others, so we subconsciously doom ourselves from the possibility of success?

What works for one man is completely wrong for another. So, your logic seems flawed.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7008145 -

Everything has it's ups and it's downs.

If every day was sunny with a slight wind blowing. Clear skies with half naked women walking around everywhere. People eating nothing but beer and hot dogs...
Eventually it wouldn't be so perfect anymore. It would be just another day.

The cold, rainy days full of winter coats and hot chocolate are what make the nice days beautiful.

If I always got along with my wife and never disagreed on anything, there would be no point in the relationship. There would be no lessons to learn, and there would probably get boring.

Excitement is k3y in a healthy relationship. :fishy:


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: DrCamacho89]
    #7008312 -

DrCamacho89 said:
But isn't every situation unique and different? Do you think that is where we go wrong? We constantly compare ourselves to the mistakes and past failures of others, so we subconsciously doom ourselves from the possibility of success?

What works for one man is completely wrong for another. So, your logic seems flawed.


Your concept of my post is what's flawed. I stated I didn't know what the outcome would be but had noticed the trend over time. This is the best that can be done when giving advice to someone just giving their side of the story on the internet. The alternative is to pretend that "love" conquers all and tell people just what they want to hear rather than what would be an unplesant truth.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Icelander]
    #7009050 -

So, that's your responsibility to someone only telling you their side of the story is to provide only the dismal possibility of the bet.  When we're in a relationship, we're betting it's going to work out.  Nothing more, nothing less.  What's the use in betting that it won't?  It's been in my experience, the more you dwell on the dark and fucked up parts of life, the more dark and fucked up parts occur. 

I don't see the piont in telling someone advice based on your personal past or even just perception of other relationships and their success OR failure around you.  Everyone is different.  So, my advice isn't to blow smoke up an ass, but it's to keep looking at the bright side.

Cause it's all a crap shoot, and we're not in as much control as we would like.  We can either hope for the best or hope for the worst.  I choose best.  I have to.  :shrug:


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Icelander]
    #7009200 -

We've been through this and I deserved your post because of mine. I don't think we could change views on this one, at least right now. I think I have to wait those six months first, huh? :lol:

Seriously, though, I know infatuation and I know love. You would not take my word for it, would you? As far as I know, this is the only thing we've ever disagreed on, with the exception of that damned plant souls thread that we later realized what the other was on about in that thread of mine later on. :grin: So, yeah, tell me why it is only infatuation. :wink:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7009358 -

Is it possible to move from being in love to being infatuated with someone?


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I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7009456 -

Infatuation is heavily influenced by novelty, chemistry, fantasy, and short (or shallow) acquaintance. Whereas love (IMO) develops in a relationship built on emotional intimacy, trust, commitment, honesty and friendship.

Therefore, I would say that sometimes love may follow a period of infatuation, but the reverse would be highly unlikely.

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Veritas]
    #7009647 -

Veritas said:
Whereas love (IMO) develops in a relationship built on emotional intimacy, trust, commitment, honesty and friendship.


In my opinion, a relationship centered around these ideals naturally springs forth as love; love doesn't develop from them. I'm personally in a relationship of emotional intimacy, trust, commitment, honesty, and friendship, and I think these are all aspects of the love itself. These aspects are distinguishing traits of love, in contrast to infatuation, as you have proposed. I just don't quite understand the notion of love developing through the presence of these traits.... these traits exist as expressions of love. :heartpump:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7009878 -

Snypa, I've noticed other people going through similar phases in their marriages. Difficulties set in when you both start to feel overburdened and then look to the other to relieve your burden without realizing that they're also feeling overburdened. You're looking to her for help, she's looking to you for help, and it's easy to settle into resentment and blame because some important needs aren't being met. Sounds to me as if your conversation the other night helped both of your reconnect to each other -- you emerged from it as friends rather than enemies. Meanwhile, I don't agree with everything at this site and you probably wont' either, but this article might be a good one to read together: The Most Important Emotional Needs

A few suggestions...
    1: I think it's generous of you to want to allow your wife her time out but I also think it's necessary that you get some time out for yourself. I also think the two of you probably need some time together. You mentioned that Nikki's mother is on the scene -- what's the chance of her being able to babysit once a week so that you and Nikki can have a bit of fun together?

    2: Nikki will likely find a lot of support for her current problems with those who share and have insight into them, primarily her peers at work. You may also find support for yourself by making friends with some other parents who are at home with their children. Local schools, libraries, and colleges may have gathering places where you can meet up. You might even form a friendship that allows you to swap child-care and that might provide you the opportunity to get a bit of time for yourself. Other parents are also good sources for tips and tricks to help streamline your day and make living with young children (which is very challenging!) a bit easier for you. Here's one online source that might be helpful to you: At Home Dads and here's another: 7 Tips for Stay-At-Home Dads

    3: You want to continue with your education and that's terrific. Make a commitment to yourself to check out your options with post-secondary institutions in your area. Be sure to find out what they offer to young parents such as you and Nikki. For example, the local college in my area offers childcare at a reduced fee (the kids are cared for by students in their childcare program) as well as student housing at a reduced rate.


Best of luck to you and your wife.


.


--------------------
~ Kindness is cheap.  It's unkindness that always demands the highest price.

Blogs: Spiritual Emergency | Spiritual Recovery | Voices of Recovery | A Jungian Approach to Psychosis

Edited by spiritualemerg (06/04/07 09:14 PM)

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7009910 -

I said develops in, not develops from. This may seem like a picky distinction, so allow me to clarify:

A plant grows in soil, and will not flourish if pulled up by the roots & left on a table. It does not grow from the soil, however, but is its' own distinct entity.

I see love as something which exists within everything, yet our experience of sharing it with another does not flourish when it is deprived of the proper "soil."

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Veritas]
    #7009945 -

I realize what word you used, yet my point is that I consider it differently. I see these aspects as the flowers of the love. The soil would be the two individuals. :smile:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7009949 -

fireworks_god said:
We've been through this and I deserved your post because of mine. I don't think we could change views on this one, at least right now. I think I have to wait those six months first, huh? :lol:

Seriously, though, I know infatuation and I know love. You would not take my word for it, would you? As far as I know, this is the only thing we've ever disagreed on, with the exception of that damned plant souls thread that we later realized what the other was on about in that thread of mine later on. :grin: So, yeah, tell me why it is only infatuation. :wink:


Yes you did deserve that.:D

I'm really not interested in continuing a pointless (at this time)discussion with you and expecially not in another posters thread.

I think we can check in, after about 6 months or a year of personal, (in person) daily contact, as you said.:thumbup:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Icelander]
    #7009979 -

Well, I think he was interested in the topic as well, so, let me ask you, how exactly does time pertain in this regard?
:sherlock:

Time is relative, especially when awareness is in play. :smirk:


--------------------
:redpanda:
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
:heartpump: :bunnyhug: :yinyang:

:yinyang: :levitate: :earth: :levitate: :yinyang:

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: fireworks_god]
    #7010476 -

These ones are good too, Snypa...


.


--------------------
~ Kindness is cheap.  It's unkindness that always demands the highest price.

Blogs: Spiritual Emergency | Spiritual Recovery | Voices of Recovery | A Jungian Approach to Psychosis

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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: spiritualemerg]
    #7013268 -

Oh man you guys have no idea how much it has helped just being there. Trust me, I'm listening to what you guys have to say.

I'm really not sure where we are heading in our relationship. I feel like the love isn't there like it used to be. She is working so much as it is and then wants to go out all the time. Even last night they went out to a movie while I sat home. I can be sitting next to her wanting to be close but I don't want to over step her boundaries. This has also effected the sex. She has told me many times that she hates to make the first move. It put us in a situation where we just don't have sex because again, I don't know when it is OK to get close to her.


She's not making much money right now. We are getting so far behind on our bills. She told me her boss paid one of our bills this morning.
I feel like he is taking my position; my fucking manhood! She goes out with him all the time because he pays for everything.
I want to be the one to pay the bills and take her out.
I've been telling her this but it just doesn't seem like she is listening or she just doesn't care.

Just to cover my own ass in case it doesn't get any better, I've been thinking about busting my ass, working from home, and saving the money for my future.

I'm getting my school stuff taken care of. I'm just waiting to hear back weather I got the loan or not. I'm going up to the school as soon as I get a chance.

I do have another bit of good news, for me anyways. I just talked to an old friend of mine. You guys might know who I'm talking about. He used to post here by the name supermarket. He has always been an awesome person to have around. If Nikki gets home at a decent time, I'll probably stop by.

Blah:thumbdown:


--------------------

I'm selling all of my growing equipment!!!


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Re: The fucked up life of a married 23 year old. (w/kids) [Re: Snypa187]
    #7013406 -

So another guy is taking your wife out to the bar, taking your wife out to the movies, paying her way and now paying her bills?!?!?!
This is NOT normal.

You said you really understood each other so she couldn't be cheating, but you can't even get close to her.
This is NOT normal.

If she hasn't already cheated, then its only a matter of time.
When he makes his move- if he hasn't already- her defenses will be so low, it won't matter if she even HAS defenses. And that's "IF!"

Demand she Cool It, Cut It Off, and Come Home!
If she says that's unreasonable, tell her that you need joint counseling to make that determination, but you are more than happy to start counseling NOW.

Good Luck!


--------------------

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