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From the journal of a hopless neurotic...
    #6688243 -

I have always felt inside that big egos are an ugly thing. Whenever I feel my ego getting too big, I feel shitty and immediately shut down and withdraw from people. Like (1 example) when I go out dancing with someone, I like to be quite animated (center of attention), and generally show off my moves which is very fun when I manage to remain in the moment. But then I feel my ego (look at me, look at me) climbing to obnoxious levels then I wonder if the person I am with sees it that way as well and just to be polite, they hide it and pretend to be having a good time. I tell people I prefer brutal honesty to help me maintain a realistic perception of myself and not get stuck in some illusion. (What intelligent person aspires to be annoying to everyone?) But then I think about how sensitive I might be if they actually did tell me to knock it off (but then who are they to judge?) and my night would be ruined as I can't seem to help but dwell.

People are always willing to help with advice that from their perspective is so simple, “Just do this…” “All you need to do is…” “Not a problem, just….” I am skeptical of anyone who (in an effort to help me) tries to help me out of it unless they can specifically relate to what I am going through. How could they relate unless I shared everything of myself with them so they could see all the contributing factors? How do I establish that kind of trust with anyone? If I did wind up sharing something that my supposed confidant could not handle, how do I know that they won’t share this privileged information with others? Weather they do or not, I will always be thinking they did every time I am around their friends. I would be driving myself mad trying to look for signs (and maybe even manufacturing signs) that my secrets are out and everybody knows my inner freak. But in the end isn’t that what I want? Maybe, but I feel that much of what I conceal about myself is concealed for a good reason. The thought occurs to me that this is a clear case of low self esteem. When I analyze this notion I realize that I love who i am and would like to share with the world. I no issue whatsoever with my appearance as I am what I and the general public would probably consider attractive (not to be egocentric) I just feel that in other peoples eyes, it would be the way my mind works that is the ugly thing. Some would say.."Well why do you care what others think about you? Thats their problem" etc.. etc.. I have tried to reveal my true side to people I have met online (then in person) because it is safe and they were cut off from my circle of friends (which I no longer have as I have moved to a new city) I would start off tame and easy, then as we became more familiar with one another, revealing things about each other etc.. I inevitably reveal the 'wrong' thing about myself that apparently turns out to be the deal breaker and sends them running. Don't get me wrong, I am not a violent person by any means, just (according to my observation of our currently sanctioned paradigm) very very weird. I long for a friend I can talk to. These people I mentioned I met online all claimed to be 'open minded' and 'non judgmental' and 'appreciate honesty' and blah blah blah, but when it gets right down to it these turn out to be lies, or there is always a line to be crossed which I always seem to find.

Dialog like the above goes through my mind every waking moment and when I’m with people… OMG… ever seen a panic attack or someone fighting to keep a panic attack from being witnessed by others because if they did witness it and see me just walk out they would be like “what’s his problem” or “what does he think he is too good for us?” and those thoughts make me want to explain to everyone what’s really going on in my head so they don’t get the wrong idea but in that moment I could not possibly handle a conversation, so I flee, and after having gone through this one too many times, I have now isolated myself and feel there is no hope for emergence from this mental prison I have constructed. What the hell am I even doing here? And no, organized religion is out of the question, I might be lost, but I am not that lost. You might ask, am I suicidal? I have had a strong and what I would like to call healthy curiosity with regards to what comes next since long before I found myself in this unfortunate mental place. Dare I mention that to anyone lest they rally to be self righteous and scramble to restrain me and prevent me from freely and from my own perspective ponder my options, like prison guards attempting to thwart an escape? I don’t understand why it is always pushed on everyone via mass media programming that death is such a BAD Horrible thing, the worst thing that can happen to someone. It’s bad enough that I am struggling mentally without having to worry about my words resulting in my being physically locked up as well. So I remain silent, it’s safer that way…

Are you now finally just beginning to see the hellish insanity I am in?!? Are there more of us out there? My ability to articulate my perspective does not come on the fly, so talking about this with someone often ends up being a dead issue as such conversations usually turn out to be a game of who’s the better more articulate debater, and I either fall short every time, or succeed in convincing the other person that I really am fucked!

“I ain’t got no image, I lost it when I lost my mind, as this city moves around me in its own sweet time.”

Everything above is but a single drop sampled from my mental ocean.


So you might wonder if I have thought about therapy? All the time... This is a whole other mental struggle. Do I get a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Though the idea that I could get medicated to curb my anxieties is tempting, I am afraid to screw with my natural chemistry. I am not too sure I subscribe to the whole "chemical imbalance" theory which I strongly feel was put out there to sell drugs. Not to mention I equate mood meds to those lazy quick unhealthy lose weight quick fad diets. I have read many reports stating that there have been severe withdrawal side effects related to mood meds such as severe depression and strong thoughts of suicide. So getting my ass into "the right" (whatever that is) therapists office is a huge mental chore. Been trying for a couple years now.

I wanted to put this out there to see what comes back for my own piece of mind (whats left of it)


--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

-Dr. Seuss

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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: perceptionist]
    #6688571 -

You're not alone. My youth was similar in many ways. I struggled through it an am somewhat better now. I actually enjoy much of my life.:grin:

You seem intelligent and pretty nice. I think you will make it. Set the goal of unconditional self acceptance for yourself. It's the ticket out. And know this. Almost every human is going through something similiar. A little easier and sometimes much worse. Good luck to you friend.:heart:


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC

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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: Icelander]
    #6689206 -

it happens to me too... its like i get such a distaste for it, i just end up shooting my ego back down. is there a difference between being happy all the time and having a big ego? yes but they share many similar qualities... it sucks being the way we are. we see the negative sides of a big ego, so we hold ourselves back from being this way... this in turn can make us unhappy. well if anyone knows how we can be happy without a huge ego, let us know


--------------------
"Psychedelics should be used not to escape reality, but to embrace it"


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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: Icelander]
    #6689250 -

You just moved to a new town. It's tough, I know. I have done it twice now, packed up my shit and left all my friends and social life for a new start. The first time it was for a job. The second, just 5 weeks ago was for a girl that I now don't see often because she's pissed at me. Talk to your buddies back home more often and about your problems. They're you're friends and that doesn't change just because you leave their proximity. It sounds like you have a lot to be confident about. Focus on those things. The fact that you do care about your self image shows that you aren't an egotist and in no way will others see you as such. and really, if someone does, is it that big of a deal that people think you are confident in yourself? There are worse crimes my friend. You're in a funk. Realize this and know that your judgement is clouded right now.

Man, I am not judging by any means, and reading your post you probably don't care what I have to say anyway. However, I don't think the best thing is to be meeting women online. It has been in my experience that it is a very awkward way of courtship and for some reason insecure people flock there only to be let down and rejected either physically or emotionally in a very harsh and impersonal way. Try laying off the online dating, try being proactive in real life scenarios and work on that as part of improving your social skills. You will get much more out of it I think. I don't believe in love over the internet. I am sure there are success stories, but I have yet to see one personally. To me, when you see someone and it clicks that you are comfortable in their presence to be able to bond quickly, that's the spark required to start a lasting relationship. Not typing over a computer discussing your likes and dislikes while looking at a picture that is one of the only pictures they would allow you to see. The others where they don't look attractive or cool or desirable stay on their hard drive. and they will be forced to show you them eventually. It's all smoke and mirrors either way you look at it. Go with human touch. It's much better for the soul.

Just my pair of pennies.


--------------------
"The Highways of Life are Paved with Flat Squirrels who Couldn't Make Up Their Minds"

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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: perceptionist]
    #6690366 -

lots of that sounds like me. i dont know what to tell you though otherwise i wouldnt feel like you. all i can say is i sort of understand and sympathise.

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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: Tasty_Smurf_House]
    #6691095 -

Thank you all for the replies, keep em coming, the more the better.

I have been an introvert most of my life.  At this point my worry has increased because I equate what I am going through to something I should have already gone through in my teen 'adjusting to the world' years.  I am now in my 30s, not that I hold much stock in the meaning of chronological age, as age is a state of mind :smile:  I too believe that internet dating is not the way to go.  I went this route to....test my personality out on people in a situation that would not be a huge disaster should it go horribly wrong.  (sorry thats the best I could come up with)  My last relationship ended in June of 2005, and I still wonder if I was becoming increasingly neurotic because I saw it coming to an end, or if it came to an end because I was becoming increasingly neurotic.  I will try not to write a novel here, but I will say that it was damn close to the most perfect relationship one could have.  We are still best friends.  When we met (as friends) she knew I was never interested in children, and I knew she definitely wanted a family some day.  In spite of this "minor" caveat, the mental/physical attraction was too great.  We moved in with each other after about a year and a half, and stayed together for 6 years.  She knew me more than I ever thought I would allow someone to know me and was cool with it.  The break up was hard but being two mature people we knew it was the right thing to do.  I could not live with myself if I knew I changed her dream of having kids, and she felt the same way about changing my views of not having them.  I am not sure how much this break up has contributed to my current state.  Thinking back to before we met, I have been this way for as long as I can remember.  And before that, I was a blissfully ignorant obnoxious kid in high school, then the military.  At some point after my short stay in the military, I "woke up" or my eyes were opened and I became self aware.  This was great because I started to...I guess, 'evolve'.  But this process of self analysis over the years got more and more intricate and has caused the pendulum to swing way to far in the direction opposite "blissfully ignorant", and it seems to be stuck there due to my fear of returning to the kingdom of oversized ego. 

As for my 'friends' in my old town, well there wasn't many that I could really talk to in this way.  Most of em were just old high school friends by default who I had nothing in common with.  Friends who proved were not capable of anything other than your run of the mill shallow 'guy talk' or 'small talk'.  The only person who I still talk/relate to is my ex, and she is now married and moving on.  I also had a really good friend there as well who I could talk about ANYTHING with, (a very rare type of guy) who died a couple weeks ago. 

In the age of political correctness it is very confusing to know what is ok and what not to say.  I say everything is ok and nothing is off limits, and would like to be around like minded people.  Ever had the experience of saying the wrong thing in a group and have the whole group stop what they were doing and just look at you in disbelief?  I have, more times than I care to remember.  I am the single iron filing who struggles to just ditch the magnet altogether.  I am not really the "let's not go there" type, or "I can't believe you said that".

Again much love/thanks to those who have read my posts, and the replies are appreciated...


--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

-Dr. Seuss

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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: perceptionist]
    #6691138 -

Hey Tasty Smurf House,

I just read your post "Things are great so why am I unhappy?"

I can really relate to this. Every element of the world I am creating for myself is coming together. As I look back over my years, I clearly see I am (with regards to the physical world) moving in the right direction, but mentally/emotionally, I am lost at sea. My logical mind is capable of looking at my life and realizing how good I have it yet I don't feel the mental/emotional rewards that should go with it.

On another note, I have wondered what ever happened to my ability to focus. I used to really love to get into a good book, now I pick up a book I really want to read and fall asleep after one page. This goes for most things I try to undertake...possible ADD? I wonder if this is really a chemical thing. How do you just lose your ability to focus? Most of what I try to read these days are self help books and the like which contain valuable info, but I just lose my commitment to them before they can do any good. Many times I just give up after reading the same damn page 50 times and having no idea what I just read, not because I didn't understand it....because I don't remember what I read!!


--------------------
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

-Dr. Seuss

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Re: From the journal of a hopless neurotic... [Re: perceptionist]
    #6691483 -

everyone will always have their own unique perspective of you.  you just have to understand this and know that there are those who will always respect and love you for your good sides.  not everyone perceives the possible ignorance/negative qualities of your personality, many are more open than that and see through the shell.  just try to realize this as much as possible.

if you really want to meet like minds, get a community activity book or whatever you call them... and join spiritual groups such as tai chi, yoga, meditation, etc.  or whatever is similar to your interests.  of course there may be the fear of interacting with unknown people but the only way to overcome it is to engulf yourself in the fear!

a transformation may come when you least expect it...

good luck :smile:


--------------------

Strive to be more than a codified manifestation of a generalized technological consciousness

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