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Am I a bad person?
    #489736 -

Since I am not catholic, I don't go to confession. So I may as well confess here because I am having a hard time dealing with it and I would like some views on the matter from people who don't have a bias against me.

First, a brief history of my relationship. I've been with this girl for 8 months and I haven't done anything 'wrong' to her in those first 5, but she did to me. She hit me, a lot. I'm not saying I'm a pansy ass and it hurt physically, but it did emotionally. So I guess I just kind of lost it on these occasions.

About 3 months ago I was at a drinking party with my girlfriend(we were broken up for 3 days at the time). I got really drunk, left, then spent $30 on a cab to go back. She was laying on the couch and out of nowhere I just slapped her and said get the fuck up, we then argued for a long time and then I got kicked out of the party. She didn't hit me this time, I don't know what came over me.

We made up.

1 month ago me and my girlfriend went to Vermont. I was very tired and beat from the show we were just at, and she started yelling at me because it was 3:00 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed. So while I am trying to sleep she throws a glass of ice water on my face then punches me in the face and chest a few times. So I threw her off of me on to the floor and said what the fuck are you doing?! She then attacked me again so I threw her on the bed and restrained her and asked repeatedly what is your problem? I'm just tired! We argued, and she kept telling me to hit her, I wouldn't. So I finally got her chilled out and we wake up the next morning. Now mind you prior to our Vermont trip she would always say to me, I'm afraid to go to Vermont with you cause I don't want you to get drunk and hit me again. I don't know why she thought that.

Fast forward two weeks.

Our plans were to get a case of beer, I decided to get a bottle of liquor instead. When she came home and found out that I got liquor instead(with my money by the way) she flipped out, in front of my best friend too, and threw a full gallon jug of water at me, then came over and punched me in the face about 6 times! I grabbed her hands and told her to chill out and that she is making an ass out of herself. She caused a giant scene in front of my friend and he was really bugged out. I got him to calm down too. So after I talk to her, she tells me (after taking a test 3 days before) that she is positive that she is pregnant. So I asked her why didn't she just tell me in the first place? She said she was afraid she'd hurt my feelings. Whatever. So we calmed down, I invited some people over. We both got drunk and I started joking around about having a threesome with one girl there. She got really mad at me and threw a rum and coke in my face then ran outside. So I followed her outside and there were a few people out there and I'm like what the fuck is your problem really? I was joking. She just yelled at me and told me she hated me and to fuck off. So I got in my car, I wasn't going to leave, but then she punched me in the face, again! So I slapped her back.

Now I have pretty much no friends, and I am finding myself really depressed. I don't drink anymore, and I barely do drugs. She always tells me I am a bad person for doing that but I don't understand why. If someone is going to abuse me and I hit them back what is wrong with that. Girls are always bitching about having equal rights with men, so how is this any different? Am I really that bad of a person? This is making me so depressed. I started a band two weeks ago, and we sounded great. My other guitarist quit because he heard that I get mad real easily and hit my girlfriend. A lot of my "friends" don't talk to me anymore. I don't know what to do. I still love my girlfriend, but she is hell to me, she likes messing with my head. I want to break up with her, but it's so hard because she lives with me and her parents have disowned her. Please any advice, comments, flames, anything folks, just talk to me, I have nobody to talk to. Thank you for reading this.

I'm sorry.


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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #489743 -

You're not a bad person. You just seem to be in an abusive relationship. Emotionally and Physically. How old are you? Maybe you should get counselling. Maybe you and your girlfriend need a break from each other. Is there anyone else that she san stay with for a couple of months or something while both of you get your shit figured out? You don't even have to break up...just give each other a little bit of space.


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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: CherryBom]
    #489753 -

I would say break up with her man. Seriously, your story sounds like she is being one cold ass anchor tied around your neck. Talk with her, try to help her, but above all separate from her. Bad link of communication. Break that link so you can begin again on your path with less weight bringing you down.
Nothing in your story makes you a bad person. Absolutely not.


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I'm praying for infinite lapdances in heaven and an infinite supply of cocaine to snort out of Angelina Jolie's ass crack.

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #489759 -

Obviously there are some problems in this relationship that need to be resolved. She seems to have a problem with puncing you, and throwing liquid in your face.. I think Cherrybomb has the right idea, you guys should probably see a counselor of some kind. More than likely, there are some subconscious repressed emotions in both of you which cause you to act in such a way towards each other.
You must ask yourself... do you love each other? If the answer is a positive yes, then you need to find the source of these problems and work them out together. You need to find out what makes her so hostile towards you.
On the other hand, if you're not sure that you love each other, you might want to break up. From what you wrote it doesn't appear to be a healthy relationship at all... if you cant work out the problems together, chances are they will only get worse.
This doesn't make you a bad person...everyone has been in an unhealthy relationship at some point in time. The point is to overcome these negative emotions. And it takes a conscious effort from both sides.
I send you my best wishes in the hopes that you two will be able to learn from each other and overcome this.

Love and Light

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #489769 -

Surprised to read this on my thursday evening.
But is your gf really pregnant? And are you depressed because your friends or people around you think of as abusive?
Well your first 'punch' could have something to do with the alcohol and if my girlfriend was hitting me i would hit her back.(though not in the face i think). I don't know you so i cannot judge if you are a bad person (i don't think there are any), but you feel a little guild somehow. Don't you two discuss these kind of issues? Do you love eachother? Where does all this come from and what does it mean? What are you afraid of? Maybe it's good to just take a break or go do a project in africa for a few months just to be away from it all.


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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #489791 -

DO NOT let her have the baby!
Let your girlfriend go.
I had a girlfriend that was abusive to all her previous boyfriends (definitely emotionally, probably some physical abuse), but I wouldn't put up with that shit and I broke up with her. She made it very hard on me for the first few months, but it was for the best. The hard part for you is that she lives with you... I'd give her a tent and drop her off in a park.


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Note: In desperate need of a cure...

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #489855 -

hmm...

does this only seem to happen when alcohol is involved?

lay off the sauce, see what happens.


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[pot]Think left and think right[pot]
[pot]and think low and think high[pot]
[pot]Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try[pot]
-Dr. Seuss

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: alphatrion]
    #489964 -

No, she is not pregnant. She got her period the day after, go figure.

She also cheated on me with my best friend of 7 years.

She was kicked out of her house because her parents and her did not get along and they hated me because I am not "high-class", even though my dad makes more money a year himself than both of them combined.

Yes, I am depressed because my whole town thinks I am a smack head wife beater. I don't even do drugs really, maybe once a month, and surely not smack.

I love her, I really don't know if she loves me.

She is definitely fucked up, and whenever I try to break it off with her she tells me she is going to kill herself. This is driving me insane, I do everything I can for her and she still fucks with me. Things have gotten better as of late, but they still aren't great, at all.

Tell me how to go do a project in Africa for a few months and I gladly will. :-)


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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: NextGenHippie]
    #489974 -

This happens without alcohol too.

We also do not share any interests.

She lives off of junk food, she begs me to allow her to smoke (which I totally won't do), she calls me a drug addict, and one of my main problems. Whenever I take her to concerts, she always has to start a fight with me, every single one we have gone to she has started a fight with me. Whether it be if I'm not talking enough, If i'm too fucked up, If i'm not too fucked up, if i'm not dancing, if i am why not with her. Music is my life, and she is ruining it. Funny thing is, she is behind me right now, snoring away while I type this. I need help guys! How can I do this without her ending her life?! She lives here for free, does not work, barely does chores around the house. When she does have money she doesnt know how to manage it.

Well I guess you're all right, I am in a fucked up relationship, and I have lost too many friends over this shit. Any suggestions on what to do are more than welcome, thank you so much everybody.



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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #490051 -

You are not a bad person, codependant, low self esteem, but not bad. You should never tolerate any one EVER stricking you in any way. It causes damage to you that you don't even know. Stay away from booze and this woman. You do not want to get her pregnant because you would have to deal with her for the rest of your life. There are good women out there you just have to wait for one. RUN AWAY FROM HER AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!


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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: upupup]
    #490129 -

I agree with upupup. Flee. Your instincts for self preservation are almost always right.

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: upupup]
    #490181 -

Yeah, upupup is right, you aren't 'bad' (truth be told, I don't even think bad exists) you just have low self-esteem, if this is happening on a constant basis, without any substances, you should leave.
But if you feel too much for her to leave her or something (although I think you should, I'm just a stranger on the internet), try to get her to take a low dose of MDMA with you (maybe half a pil, have a mediator, maybe someone with a degree in psycotherapy, trust me on this) and talk things out. If you decide on this course of action, make sure you test the pill first, many things they put in street pills may do more harm than good.


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[pot]Think left and think right[pot]
[pot]and think low and think high[pot]
[pot]Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try[pot]
-Dr. Seuss

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #490295 -

Your dealing with someone who has multiple personality disorders... SERIOUS emotional problems. You need to get rid of her ASAP... if i were you she would be six feet under, i just couldent take something like that happening to me..... how can you love someone like that? i just dont understand abusive relationships....

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: DrGonzo401]
    #490323 -

I've taken MDMA with her before, I gave her half a pill and I took a whole one. She pretended to get really weirded out and acted very strange to me the rest of the night.

She is mumbling shit off and on to me tonight, then I say what? And she says oh nothing. I am getting really angered with this and don't know how to get rid of her. Her parents say that if she breaks up with me she can come back home. Her whole family is whacked.

I *DEFINITEL* agree with you on the multiple personality disorder, I told her that myself! Along with the serious emotional problems. I have a hard time killing a fly, fuck I don't even get mad, but the shit she does to me.... oh man.

Everybody tells me to get rid of her too, I'm just too fucking weak to do it. I need to put my foot down.

Thanks for the replies folks, I really appreciate it.


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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #490336 -

teach her the benifits of working out relationship problems.
or if the sex isn't any good, just put your stuff in a storage locker and leave the country for a bit.


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"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
- Albert Einstein

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #490641 -

dude you need to break up with that girl. no one needs that shit in their life and you are in no position to help anyone if you're still fucking yourself up wondering if you're a bad person. I was in a similar relationship several years ago with one serious vampire of a girl - no physical violence but bullshit emotional stuff all the time over nothing. it was exciting. I felt like shit but the feeling was so intense i couldn't get enough. when we split i was depressed and couldnt think of anything else for about six months, i wanted more of that crap. having come through that i'm grateful, i learned so much about this "love" business from that girl but no I know to steer well clear of that shit. i feel damn happy with life these days so i'm not about to go taking on someone elses serious emotional problems. well, as a friend sure, i help out my friends, but i'm not going to start fucking any manic depressive (actually sorry I hate these supposedly clinical terms..."bipolar" is another one they call people before putting them on prozac...let's just say crazy, nuts, looney...) because man that can drive you to suicide, alcohol, smack....

bad shit. you need to get out of it. you're not a bad person and neither is she but really I don't think it's possibly going to get any better. just up and down and up and down. sorry this isn't very subtle or nice but it sounds like you need it. peace.

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #490725 -

Get rid of her!! Now! I am stuck with a woman beacause she got pregnant. I now have twins. I can't seperate myself from her. At least we can get along for the most part. If you don't get out now you could regret it for a very long time.

Joshua


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The Shroomery Bookstore

Great books for inquiring minds!

"Life After Death is Saprophytic!"

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Joshua]
    #491738 -

Dude dump that lady like she is a $5 crak ho......You don't need that in your life......no one does. I was married to a gal that started acting like that with me. Turned out she was manic depressent and she was flippin nutz for real. I tryed to get her help, but she didn't want it. She started using me as a punching bag and for verbal abuse. I'm a very big guy and powerful, i'd never hit a woman....ever. I sat on her a few times and blocked her punches til she got the idea she wasn't getting anywhere fast.....lol I tryed for 6 months to get her to get some help, tryed to get her to see a Shrink and a Marriage Counselor.....I filed for a divorce and have never regreted it.....4 years later looking back..... I made the right choice. Don't waste your life in a violent relationship, there are plenty of healthy people out there in the sea of life. Making new friends can be scary, take a chance life is too short to waste it. The so called friend of yours that slept with your gal wasn't really a friend btw.....he was a leech. I hope you find some happiness in your life, you sound like you are a very unhappy young man.....If you want someone to talk to... please send me a message.... I have a great ear.
Take care,
Road


--------------------
Laterz, Road

Who the hell you callin crazy?
You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating froot loops on your front porch!

Brainiac said:
PM the names with on there names, that means they have mushrooms for sale.


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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: Phoshaman]
    #492088 -

My thoughts:

You MUST get away from this girl. She needs counseling, she has a severe disorder for sure. But it is not your fault or responsibility to take care of it. That 'romantic' relationship is hurting your relationship with your friends, and the relationship you have with your friends is far more important. Don't let any amount of guilt keep her around. I'm willing to bet she was abused by one of her parents, and maybe was kicked out because she learned to fight back or the other parent couldn't face the truth. This is not your fault. You need to protect yourself now. Don't let any emotion, be it love, guilt, pity or anything stop you from getting away from her.

You need to talk about this with some of your friends, so they understand the problems you are going through. More than offering advice, they will gain perspective and it may heal the friendships you have. Start with someone you feel closest too. If anyone is left in your band, there is a good start. They won't be convinced you're sincere unless you are doing your best to get away from this girl.
Perhaps this friend will house you to keep you away from the girl.

Last, it would be valuable to take a self-defense class that teaches how to restrain an opponent without punching. Judo or Aikido would be excellent. The reason being, if you continue to have to fight back with fists, you're going to lose your friends. You are likely stronger then her, it won't take many skills to restrain her without injury. Also martials arts will develop a mentality that will reduce your own kneejerks reaction with violence.

You need to seriously consider your own mentality in that at the party you punched her without her hitting you first. This is something you should forgive yourself for, but you have to look hard at why at happened and resolve to never let it happen again.

Good luck. Sounds like a shitty situation. There is so much better out there for you though, so the sooner you move past this part of your life the better.

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Re: Am I a bad person? [Re: djfrog]
    #492105 -

Well you guys will never believe it. I've been putting all of these replies into thought, and I think I did the right thing. Here's a rundown.

Yesterday, It all started when I was at my friends house... she went to the mall with some people and came back and called my cell phone. She asked me "when are you coming home?" I said I don't know. (Mind you my house was 20 miles away.) " Well why don't you just come and get me and we'll go back to your friends?" No, just wait I don't know when I'll be up but I'll be there to get you sometime. "Well when are you coming?" For the second time I don't know. "Well why don't you just come and get me cause I need to know when you are coming." I don't know when I am coming! "What's up your ass? Why are you being so cocky?" Because I don't know when I am coming to get you? You went out and I went out too, I'll be getting back later than you did! "Whatever, bye."

That angered me.

Then I come and get her, and me, her and my friend go out for dinner, she lights a cigarette up in front of me (We agreed that she can smoke when we go to parties.) I said why are you smoking? "Because I can." But we agreed that you would smoke when we went to shows or parties. "But I want to smoke now."
I just let that one go cause I was getting angry.

Then while at dinner, I paid for her as usual. I didn't eat all day so I am starving, and she had a full plate of food in front of her. "Can I have some of your broccoli?" C'mon I'm starving you got a big plate in front of you hun! "Whatever you selfish prick." How am I selfish? I took you out to dinner and I won't give you some of my broccoli so I am selfish, whatever.
She shut up.

Then we go to the car, she tells my friend he can sit in the front. He goes are you sure? She says "Yeah I don't want to sit, UP THERE." So I go yeah, I don't want you sitting by me anyway. And she said fuck you blah blah blah.

That's just a bit of what happened, lots more stupid arguments ensued througout the night.
At the end of the night when she says to me, YOU HAVE PROBLEMS. I couldn't take it anymore, i told her I was breaking up with her and she goes... "No you're not."

Fast forward to today.

I tell her I don't want a relationship anymore in a very calm, straightforward manner. I tell her that she needs to get her life straightened out and things worked out with her parents. She started crying and screaming as usual, saying that she will NEVER go back to her parents blah blah blah, then she tells me that I am the source of all her problems, cry, moan, bitch, etc.

I just sat there and told her to accept it, I don't want a relationship anymore. I am 19 and she 18 and this is just not a healthy relationship. She cried more and more and more, and told me oh YOU DONT CARE WELL THEN FINE YOU CAN WATCH ME DIE. Now I've gone through this about 50 times already, and I've always ran after her when she left the room... I didn't this time. I heard the kitchen drawers banging and I sat up here, laughing. She was down there for about 10 minutes, then comes upstairs with about 30 vitamin C pills saying HOW MANY VITAMINS DOES IT TAKE YOU TO DIE, WHY DONT WE FIND OUT! And she -slowly- started eating them... I just played solitaire and giggled. Then I picked up the phone and pretended to call the police and she stopped and said NO NO NO I don't want to kill myself I don't want to. And I'm like, then why are you faking it? What is your deal? You say I have problems, and you know what, I realize that I do have problems, and they all stem from you! You need to get your head on straight because you are losing it, you HAVE to go home, you HAVE to.

She cried more and more, I wouldn't budge, I did not yell, curse or scream, I just told her what I felt. And she finally gave in... She called her mom, asked her to come pick her up and she did. She is now home and I haven't talked to her since. We agreed on being friends, and ONLY friends. And I will keep it that way.

I have forgiven myself for when I hit her for no reason, I was drunk (no excuse) and very angered because she said some very crude things to me that night and accused me of sleeping with another girl (which I didn't)... and it was just bottled up after 5 months of getting pushed, punched, kicked, scared with suicide threats, etc and I needed to let it out. I am gradually starting to talk to some people again, though not a lot. I am still very angry with my "best friend" of 7 years and will continue to be until he apologizes to me.

I have also found out that "supposedly" her parents hit her all her life, but I don't know if I can believe that because she is also a compulsive liar. Another thing that I believe affected her is that she was in a relationship with a "thug" boy who was a crack addict and he robbed houses to get money for crack, and he also sold it. He definitely warped her mind and had him do bad things for her, and he cheated on her alot, though she cheated on him a lot too. And he implanted in her mind to never trust anybody, and she still lives by that. I can not deal with that either. We just aren't meant to be.

Thanks for the replies everybody, it has helped a great deal.


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