This is not going to come out very well...
1st off... I'm a horrible speller :P
It's difficult for me to explain my "otherworldly" trips to other people...
but, I'm sure theres someone here who's had at least somewhat similar things happen.
History-
I have a lot of experience with psycedlelics
i've been called "the bubble gum ten strip guy" because of all the lsd i took in HS.
20 hits at a time of very good acid, and i had never had anything but a good time.
Paper was my main fix, although i'd eat anything that came my way, shrooms et al
Recent History-
after a drought of almost a year and a half of no acid, i started looking for alternatives... ended up trying a bunch of ethanogens looking for some spiritual experinces... after a bunch of not much, i had a breakthrough experience on (of all things) Hawaiian Baby Woodrose Seeds... 10 seeds (not much) but i absolutely tripped harder than i ever had before... i couldn't tell the difference btw my eyes open or closed, i traveled into a plane of exsistance where i ended up learning things about myself and my surroundings that made profound sense to me at the time and afterwards.
But along with this, i felt my mind almost split.
For the first time ever, there was a "voice" while i was tripping that was telling me that i wouldn't ever return to my normal way of thinking.
This scared me, and for the first time ever tripping, i didn't "know" that this drug would wear off, and i started to freak out some.
Got very hot, then very cold.
"real" visuals melted seamlessly with "halucinated" visuals, and i felt as if "reality" itself was just a product of my imagination.
Granted - this is something i've pondered while sober, but in this situation, it may have been the cause of all this.
I almost knew that i had gone "crazy" and would spend the rest of my days in an institution of some kind.
I jumped in the bathtub and the cold water seemed to bring me back, and i had one of the most enjoyable times of my life.
Fast Foreward a Bit -
Started growing mushrooms - harvested mushrooms - ate mushrooms a few times to try them out -only smaller amounts to start with. 1/2 an 1/8--->1/8
Each time the paranoia started creeping up on me, to the point where
twice i forced myself to vomit, just to relive my body of the poisons that were bringing this horrible feeling to me.
these were not large amounts, and i didn't have much of a problem sticking it out until the paranoia (fear of losing "sanity") left and i enjoyed myself at least somewhat.
Present (last Sunday)
Ok...
so not beliving that i was in subjection to a mushroom, a friend of mine came with me on a road trip that ended at some hotel outside of chicago.
we had a blast, we were both expecting a good time, and i seriously didn't even think for 1/2 a second about my previous "bad" experiences
once we got comfortable in the hotel, we both started consuming a little less than a 1/4 of creepers each.
so, things are good, we're feeling good, and everythings good
then, as i'm sitting there i feel a literal "wave" hit me
instantly, i feel out of control. (i never feel this way)
i'm getting hot flashes over my whole body at once
this gives me an instant layer of sweat everywhere...
my heart is beating faster than it ever did, even when i was hooked on coke.
i seriously belive that my heart is going to give out
i'm going to overheat and die
these things were not hallucinations
so i do everything i've ever done in my life to calm myself down...
i think if i take deep slow breaths, my heartbeat will slow down
it does not
i'm almost laughing at myself, these are just mushrooms,
i've eaten a hell of a lot more than this before,
my friend, whos been through everything with me, ate the same damn things.
I cannot describe the physical sensations i felt
Another friend of mine suffers from panic attacks...
i've never understood them, and i always kinda joked that she just needs to get a grip... i think i have an idea now
thats the best way i can describe it, a panic attack on shrooms, even though i've never suffered from them before and i still belive they are bullshit.
i would jump up from the bed and get in the bathtub filled with cold water, splashing myself (didn't help)
I'd get soo cold and start shivering (like uncontrolable shaking more like it) so i'd get up and jump in the shower with hot water
Nothing was helping and the bathroom was not feeling very comfortable so i'd go back to the bed (this happened a few times)
Once the visuals kicked in -
i'm still freaking, i don't know why i'm sad because i wanted to have a good time with my friend, and i'm losing it... the visuals i see and the visuals i immagine merge again, and i'm convinced i have the ability to unmake exsistance.
the blanket and my arm become one and everything turns white.
not dull, bathroom white, electric, moving "alive" white
nothing around me is real, and it's all going to shit
my friend doesn't matter, because he is a product of my thoughts.
then this "voice" (thought, whatever the hell it is) tells me that i've pushed the envelope of "reality" too far, taken too many voyages to this place, have accessed information and thoughts that are not meant to be known by living human beings and it is time for me to pay up.
Since i've tried to hard to ignore/kill my physical being, it is my time to die.
it asks me why i'm so sad to learn that my time is up...
i think i'll miss my few friends and things i never did, but, i know even as i think
this that they don't matter, and as this feeling of dying grows, the more
"at home" i feel... it just feels right, so i start to settle in and become comfortable with the inevitable (somehow i know i will continue to exist after i die)... i tell my friend to tell my mom that i love her, and give him a hug....
fast foreward a bit (i have no idea how long)
so... just as i'm ready to die, i start to change my mind... i can't allow myself to give up like this
the only thought i concentrate on is breathing... i think, "if i can just have enough control to alow myself to continue breating, then i wont die"
STRANGEST FEELING EVER- haveing to consciously make myself breathe for a very extended period of time.... i try to ignore any conversations going on in my head, wisdom being passed to me, or physical sensations i feel, and just trying sooo hard just to breathe.
and sometime later
i'm comming down from a trip, just like any other trip
i talk to my friend, and tell him as best i could why i was stumbling around
the hotel room naked, why every towel in the bathroom was soaked, and why i absolutely knew that without my change of mind, i would be dead.
I AM VERY SORRY FOR THIS EXTENSIVE REPORT
it probably belongs in the trip reports.. but thats all just background
so... i am now afarid that i can't use hallucinagenic drugs any more
whatever the hell happened on those hbwr seeds, i don't want this paranoia.
i'm only 24 yrs old, i was looking foreward to a life of spiritual exploration
.. am i doomed to explore without the aid of external chemicals?
Is it possible that one experience can open up pathways that cannot
be closed again, so every experience afterwards is bound to
end up in tragedy?
Is it in my head?... was i subconciously expecting this paranoia each time
so, inevitably it came?
is there some way to control this fear, or combat these thoughts?
I can't stress enough how horrible my account of things is... the "seriousness" of the situation the "reality" of it, the dread i felt, my heart beating 200 times a minute, This was very real fear and i had no hope of ever being "sane" again
I appologize, i am not myself... i feel very humbled and i'm looking for someone to sympathize with me and or my situation..
If you knew me... i'm not that kind of person, i don't take comfort in other people.
these experiences have ripped control of my "sanity" from me, and i don't know whether i should dive right in, eat some more mushrooms, face this thing until i can beat it... or if i should just lay off, until my situation settles down a bit
(i'm in the middle of moving, i still don't know where, i have 14 days to figure it out, i'm leaving my gf and every shitty little thing in this shitty little town.)
btw.. i know all this has an effect on my tripping... could it possibly be the
main cause?
if you've read this far, you've already given me so much of your time
thank you all for your responses
XfluffybunnyX
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EcoFreako 
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You now have suffered what a panic attack is, and surely should empathize with those like your friend, and it'll start with believing in its exsistance! You can't dimiss somthing because you don't know anything of it...I remember when I was 5 and under the care of a babysitter....she had a son with a speech impediment....I boldly asked one day: "why do you talk so funny"..he explains.. "I hath a sbpeetch impethiment" I respond with certainty, (all the certainty of a 5 year old): "There's no such thing!!!" ...so, ya dude, theres such things as panic attacks.
)
tekramrepus
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Learyfan
