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OfflineOrganic
Lloyd

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 5,774
Loc: Overlook
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice
    #4527424 - 08/12/05 07:36 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

A friend who I haven't seen in over a year called me up tonight, we'll call him "C". A little background is necessary.

C and I were best friends from about age 14-18. We first met up when he moved from Canada and he was a new student. Our minds clicked together, we were great friends. We ended up smoking herb together after independently trying it and finding our common interest.

I had a good connect, so subsequently, we always smoked. C was a light drinker through this whole period because alcohol was always in his house. I introduced him to a lot of the 'drug world' including his first trip, and basically all of his knowledge surrounding drugs.

C's father died in his arms after a horrible accident at about age 17. The day after his death, all of his friends gathered together as C returned home to offer him company and support, I walked in and saw him drunk, on benzos, and wanting to smoke bud. Soon, his moderate alcohol use (and drug use in general) came to the point of excessive. C's mother saw herself losing her guidance over him and C spiralling further down, and sent him to Europe for Medical School to follow in her and C's brother's footsteps.

C spent the double semester doing amphetamine daily, not going to class, and having truly unsafe sex with a number of girls. All of this was gathered through emails he would send me. He returned to the States the following summer a very skinny and changed guy. He started drinking heavily again to escape the amphetamine withdrawal. He started doing coke too, even stealing from his friends stashes just to 'sample'. His coke use led to a number of bad decisions--basically blowing his 50k inheritance from his father's passing on broken loans and substances.

It was about this time I realized he was using me for my bud and I was only supporting his downfall and him mine (I was heavily addicted to opiates throughout my high school years and he kept hooking me up and trying to when I quit). I cleaned up, stopped everything but herb and learned to use it in moderation without blowing all of my paychecks and time. I tried to break off our friendship as gently and kindly as possible. I simply told him I had to get my head straight and I couldn't do that in the environment I had been in.

Everyday since he has been back from Europe (he is 22 now), he has gotten drunk. Not buzzing, but blackout drunk everyday. Tonight he called after I haven't hung out with him for about 1.5years and talked to him in about a year. He was slurring and told me he's been having a rough time but not tonight. He drank 72oz of beer, ate a few xanax, and was smoking a blunt. I asked him whats been going on and he said he was recently diagnosed with acute pancreatitis.

I was pretty surprised and immediately told him to take care of himself, knowing his cigarette and alcohol habits. I knew his health would go but not so soon, and I had hoped that would snap him back to sobriety. He said he's been trying to stay sober and then changed the subject. I didn't really know what to say or do...I felt like he already knows what I would have to tell him. There was something in his voice that scared the shit out of me, he sounded like he knew he would die soon. He asked me to come over but I didn't want to be around him and the people helping him get fucked up. I really wanted to go and beat some ass of the people using his home to get fucked up in while he needs to be sobering up. I declined to come over because of that and my obligations tonight.

I'm torn on what to do. Part of me wants to go and try to talk sense into him again. The other part is telling me that I've done that countless times and it hasn't worked. I feel his call was a cry for help given its randomness and his condition and truly think he will die soon if something doesn't intervene. I don't know how to approach him this time without sounding condescending or overly concerned. Any advice?

*Please excuse spelling errors/general hastiness, I am in a rush


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Offlineprefloppro
Last Call
Registered: 05/29/05
Posts: 440
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4527551 - 08/12/05 08:11 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

It sounds like you need to go over there and help out anyway you can. And I dont mean lecturing not to do drugs and to stop drinking, because he already knows this. It sounds like he needs a good friend to just gently guide him to sobriety. I know when my mother died, it was very hard for me and if I had access to drugs at that time I would of sbused them also. Some might say the forceful appraoch is the way to go, but yourself have already said you have tried and tried. He just needs a non-druggy friend that he can count on. Just my two cents.


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OfflineOrganic
Lloyd

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 5,774
Loc: Overlook
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: prefloppro]
    #4528035 - 08/12/05 10:48 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Thanks bro, you're right. I've been thinking very hard about this and came to about the same conclusion. I'm heading over there tomorrow morning.


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InvisibleRavus
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4528265 - 08/13/05 12:36 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

You should get him into rehab bouncer-style.

It's really either he sobers up or he dies, so you should try to get his mom to force him into rehab or somehow get him to sober up. Get him to go on a trip to some place without drugs for a month or two.

Either way you should do something, seeing as your friend is on a true road to death and no one else is helping him.


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So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.


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OfflineOrganic
Lloyd

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 5,774
Loc: Overlook
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Ravus]
    #4529363 - 08/13/05 08:18 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

I don't think that will work, especially for just a month or two period. Forcing him does not work. Thanks for the suggestion though, I'm still open to advice.


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InvisibleFucknuckle
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Registered: 04/24/04
Posts: 6,762
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4529767 - 08/13/05 12:14 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Listen all you can do is be a light in his darkness. It can be a very hard thing to watch people you love destroy themselves. In fact it can be the hardest thing a person must face. The fact is you can not control anyone but you. Your Friend may kill himself with a buzz, many people do. As hard as it may be to accept your Friend sounds like he is in real trouble. I am now 37 and I have had to bury 3 friends because of shit like this. I am not trying to scare you just to warn you.

Now what can you do about it ? Love him the best you can. Tell him exactly how you feel. Offer to help. Let him know that you will drop what ever your doing to help at any time. You are there for him. Remind him always that you are his Friend, do this in action not words. I also suggest you never get high with him again. One thing you will not be able to do is tell him to stop and your still going strong( I don't know where you are ). EVEN IF YOU CAN HANDLE DRUGS AND HE CAN'T. Drugs have a hold on your Friend understand that and move into a new relationship with him. Become a friend who refuses to pass judgment.

If he decides to get his shit toghter he will be calling you. You will be ready......................

If not be ready to deal with complete failure on his part even if it means going to a funeral.

You must be ready no matter what happens.


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What it is, is what it is my Brother.
It is as it is, so suffer thru it.


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InvisibleTHE KRAT BARON
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4529886 - 08/13/05 01:03 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

This sounds like a very scary situation. In my honest opinion if I was in the situation, believed my friend was truly going to die, and had the means to do what I thought right for my friend here's what I would do. I would get myself all the camping gear needed for a week away up in the mountains and Id get him to come with me for a sober week. I'd listen to him and help him to fight his demons away the best I could. Whatever happened I would not let him leave to get alch or anything else for that matter. If he wanted to go Id tell him to walk back. If a week went by and he did not start to think differently about the situation at hand or he walked off fiending I would come to terms that I did all that I could for him. I would even go to the lengths of staying sober while letting him dose up on L and talking to him about his problems.

He's the only one who can determine his own fate in this situation bro. You can only try to do what you think is right. If he is too far gone already it is not your fault.

:heart:


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m00nshine is currently vacationing in Maui. Rumor has it he got rolled by drunken natives and is currently prostituting himself in order to pay for airfare back to the mainland but he's having trouble juggling a hairon addiction. He won't be back for a long while.


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OfflineCaRnAgECaNdYS
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Registered: 04/09/04
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: THE KRAT BARON]
    #4530358 - 08/13/05 03:59 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Just yesterday....my friends boyfriend died. He was 26. An alcoholic.

He's been in the hospital for awhile...the viens in his throat burst. Something like that. I know it had something to do with his liver and the fact that he drank EVERYDAY. They told him...stop drinking or die.

26 and dead from alcohol. She cried all night and blamed herself for buying him beer.

You can't really do much. They can only do for themselves what they WANT to do. Ultimately...it's thier choice.

I hope your friend chooses life.


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The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.


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OfflineOrganic
Lloyd

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 5,774
Loc: Overlook
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: THE KRAT BARON]
    #4530591 - 08/13/05 05:31 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Thanks everyone, I am going to re-read everyone's advice as I think this through.

We got together today and it was really sad but somewhat hopeful. I went into it not wanting to lecture him at all, just to be his company to get shit off his chest. We talked for a while, caught up on everything about our old friends, and eventually after BSing for a while, with him talking about totalling his vehicle 2 weeks prior while drunk driving (something he's sworn to not do countless times for years, he's already totaled 1 car), he asked what I think he should be doing. I tried to subtely hint that he needs to do what I did to sober up while still trying not to lecture--pick your real friends from the ones that want to buy you beer and use your house to party. He gave a nod of recognition and said he was trying to seperate himself from the crowd that he did coke with and drank with all the time. I told him that was really important.

He then wanted to smoke a cig and I asked him if he was cutting back on smoking them since it irritates the pancreas. He said he didn't know it hurt his pancreas and then asked if bud did. I shrugged because thats just something I haven't thought to research. He said "Smoke a small bowl with me and I'll try to put down the cigs". I took a hit off his bowl and told him I was done. He then put away the bowl after just one hit, something I've never seen him do before. We went for a hike and he started opening up more. He kept trying to justify his drinking because it was 'just one beer'. He lied to me and said he just drank one beer last night when he told me on the phone he had two 36oz'ers. He was talking about wanting to move out from his mom's house into a place with a guy that I know has been buying him beer. He justified this by saying "hes telling me to take it easy".

At this point he could probably tell I was thinking "not good". He started talking about what he wanted to do for the day, how to occupy his mind without drinking. I told him to give me a call anytime and we'd get together. He invited me to a 'get-together' when his mom leaves her giant house in a couple of weeks for vacation in Europe. He left shortly after and lit up a cig as he was walking to his car :frown: I felt like shit for taking a hit off that bowl, because his mood shifted so much opposing his previous honesty and making sense before he took a hit. I have decided to NEVER smoke herb with him again. I wish I could change what I did.

I'm going to give him a call on Monday and try to get together with him again, take him to the mountains or something. I can't go off for a week or anything due to life, but I think any period of enjoyable sobriety and honesty for him will be great. I am really hopeful for him but know I cannot control what he does when he leaves my home. I'm just going to try to show him the 'other side' of the world he has been stuck in.

I'm still wanting advice, I really appreciate everyone's in this thread. Thanks for contributing Fucknuckle, I was going to PM you but have had too much on my mind. I'm sure I left out a ton of detail but those were the main things that happened today. I think I opened his eyes a bit more and gave him some hope. I feel kind of like I am the only one still trying to help him, it seems his mom and brother have given up. She is going to be out of town for the majority of the rest of the year and his brother is about 200 miles away.

Thanks everyone


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OfflineOrganic
Lloyd

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 5,774
Loc: Overlook
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4530780 - 08/13/05 07:00 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Also, if anyone has experience or knowledge regarding pancreatitis, please enlighten me, I am admittedly ignorant about the majority of the irritants/causes/symptoms/treatment.


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InvisibleSimisu
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4533164 - 08/14/05 10:16 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

first result on google... http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/pancreatitis/

i don't know your friend but in my expiriance he would respect you much more for saying exectly what you think (even if that means passing judgment and being somewhat condesending)

if it was me i'd say something like "i'm your friend i don't want to see you hurt... you need help and you're in danger... you should realize what you're doing and take extream action to change your life style becouse if you don't you might not have your life to worry about!"
all the time making sure he know's i'm there for him and just want the best for him...
the truth is often the hardest to take but there's no other way...


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OfflineOrganic
Lloyd

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 5,774
Loc: Overlook
Last seen: 8 years, 1 month
Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Simisu]
    #4533476 - 08/14/05 12:38 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Thanks for the link...I've looked there already though and done reading on WebMD...personal experience and advice from friends of people with alcohol induced pancreatitis is what I'm looking for.

I'll take your advice to heart, I think being truthful and up front will definetly open his eyes. Thanks


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OfflinePlok
Life is fractal
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Organic]
    #4539162 - 08/15/05 07:40 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

He obviously does not care about himself to be doing this. If I were you I would try to show him how much it hurts YOU to see him in this state.

The most important thing is to just spend time with him and let him open up to you. Show him in no uncertain terms that you are there for him no matter what. Hopefully a show of unconditional love will inspire him to curb his damaging habits and understand that he is deeply hurting you, if no one else, by treating himself the way that he is.


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Just say NO to the War on Drugs.


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OfflinePreparationH
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: Plok]
    #4541197 - 08/16/05 04:59 AM (11 years, 11 months ago)

sounds like he needs some tough love because nothing else sounds like it will help, you and a buddy go and set him straight tye him to a bed if you have to. If my life was going down like that, i wish i will have a friend who will do that to me if i'm ever a moron with what i do.


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InvisibleTHE KRAT BARON
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Re: Very Concerned for Friend, Need Advice [Re: PreparationH]
    #4546775 - 08/17/05 03:13 PM (11 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

PreperationH said:
sounds like he needs some tough love because nothing else sounds like it will help, you and a buddy go and set him straight tye him to a bed if you have to. If my life was going down like that, i wish i will have a friend who will do that to me if i'm ever a moron with what i do.





That's more or less what I was suggesting by saying take him up in the mountains for a week. It would dry him out and if he tried to leave where would he go? Nowhere. He would be stuck and dried up from all substances. If this needs to be done by all means do it. He will thank you later no matter how he feels at the time. Every day he is alive it will be worth it.


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m00nshine is currently vacationing in Maui. Rumor has it he got rolled by drunken natives and is currently prostituting himself in order to pay for airfare back to the mainland but he's having trouble juggling a hairon addiction. He won't be back for a long while.


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