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Phluck
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 04/10/99
Posts: 11,394
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 5 months, 23 days

Girls.

#4464539 - 07/28/05 12:47 PM (18 years, 8 months ago)

It's twice that I've been in love.

The first girl I fell in love with never knew. She was a friend and I was too much of a dork to ever try anything. In retrospect it seems quite likely that she suspected something, and maybe even had an interest in me as well, but I still considered myself a complete nerd. The idea that a girl that I considered so wonderful would have any interest in me seemed like too much of a wild fantasy, and I didn't want to drive away someone who I considered to be a great friend.

It's strange how my feelings for her have changed. I still consider her a good friend, but don't feel any desire to be in a relationship with her. When I'm around here, I still feel drawn to her in a curious way, her presence is comforting. She's in her own relationship now, and I don't feel any sense of jealousy. In many ways I'm glad we never actually went out, it means that we still have a friendship untainted by the mess that break ups can be.

When I was in love, of course, it was quite a bit different. I was desperately yearning, and confused as to how to make it happen, partially convinced that it was impossible, but still hopeful that maybe it would work out someday. It opened up a whole new set of emotions, turned on something in my brain that I've never really been able to turn off since.

A few years ago I met another girl, she was a little bit younger than me, but extremely intelligent, and very attractive. She was kind of outgoing, but shy at the same time. She was the type who hid her emotions well, kind of a tomboy in someways. I didn't fall for her at first, but we dated for a while, and she grew on me. She was hard to get close to, though. She kept to herself a lot, and I didn't get to see her often, and she eventually broke up with me. My feelings for her never really went away. There was never really any tension between the two of us, but we were both shy and reserved in much the same ways. There were moments of real intimacy, but they were rare.

We started hanging out again a few months ago, and it turned into a relationship. At first it went fairly well, but she slowly kind of secluded herself again. She slowly distanced herself, and she broke up with me again yesterday. It's strange, because we have a lot in common. Too much, perhaps. I think we have the same personality flaws, we're both introverted, and we had trouble getting to a point where we'd really feel comfortable around each other. The fact that we think so similarly just makes it much more frustrating. She was always so hard to get to do anything, it always felt like if we could go out and adventure a bit, we'd be able to start being more comfortable, but she'd so often resist. I've always wondered if she was really depressed deep down, because even though she was extremely nice and caring, it was really difficult to get personal with her.

I put in more effort than I ever have before, trying to open up to her. I'm normally pretty shy, but I wanted so badly to make it work that I mustered up all the courage I could and tried to show her how I felt, but the harder I tried, the more she retreated.

I've had various tiny relationships here and there, and random sexual encounters, but I'm not very good at picking up girls or whatever, so I'm not the type of guy with girls all over the place.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but some girls just seem to like me, hot girls even, who seem out of my league. It's something that feels really odd, I still see myself as a nerd, and my first instinct is still to be skeptical when girls seem interested. I probably would still be a virgin, hell, I'd probably have never even kissed a girl if it weren't for the fact that there are sometimes girls throw themselves at me. It doesn't happen that often, but when it does it's a nice self esteem boost.

What really frustrates me is that it's rare for me to meet a girl that I really like. There's a number of girls who I'm sure I could start a relationship with, but there are so few that really seem special, and most of those ones are taken.

With a bit of effort I can go out and just get laid, but that seems so pointless. It seems like everyone I know has had the chance to be with someone they love, that actually loves them back for even a short period of time, but I never have. I had hints of that with this girl, but the more I fell for her, the more distant she became.

I know people who seem like they fall in love all the time, going in and out of "serious" relationship on a regular basis, and some people who seem to have just found one person, and stuck to them forever. I'll meet girls who seem interested in me, but often, even if I find them physically attractive, the strong feelings I've felt for those two other girls just don't seem to be arising.

Sometimes I will meet a girl where the potential for such feelings seems to be there, but they're either taken, not interested, or I can't muster up the balls to do anything.

It just seems like the more I try to make things work, the more I get rejected. I've spent so much time feeling heartbroken, I deserve to feel what it's like to be in love with someone that loves me back, just for a little while.

I think I'd be a much happier and more productive person if I could be in a relationship that actually seemed like it was happening. I think I could be a good boyfriend if someone who I liked gave me the chance. I'm scared that if I keep getting met with rejection the more effort I put in, I'm going to end up being even more frightened to try than before.

I'm sick and tired of being sad and unsatisfied.

--------------------
"I have no valid complaint against hustlers. No rational bitch. But the act of selling is repulsive to me. I harbor a secret urge to whack a salesman in the face, crack his teeth and put red bumps around his eyes." -Hunter S Thompson
http://phluck.is-after.us

Extras:

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