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Have I lost it? *DELETED*
    #4389719 -

Post deleted by InsaneInTheBrain

Reason for deletion: n/a


Edited by InsaneInTheBrain (07/11/05 10:20 PM)

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: InsaneInTheBrain]
    #4389858 -

Hi,

Welcome to the Shroomery.  :heart:

It sounds like you have quite a lot going on in your head right now.  but I mean what I'm about to say:  you sound normal to me.  :confused:

How can you know you're insane if there is no possible way you could accurately compare your mental state to that of others?  Think about it...you are YOU, you can never be anyone else, so how can you possibly tell if you are crazy or not?  By some social standard of what dictates a "normal" human being?  No!  Because the people who set those standards are people too, probably just as crazy as the rest of us. 

Now, it seems like you have some mental processes going on that you don't understand, or that you've come to view as "abnormal" and you are reacting to them in fear. 

Now, I don't claim to know everything you're going through.  We all have unique thresholds within us...everyone is different in regards to how they approach their own mentality.  But a lot of what you said resonated with me, and because I can relate to it, I'm writing this post now. 

Give yourself a chance to relax.  People have such a fear of going mad that they can worry themselves frantic into that state.  What helped me deal with my "crazy" thoughts was to examine them.  Usually when you have a thought that discomforts you, it is natural to want to turn away from the thought, to run from it.  If you do this, if you try and pretend that you never had the uneasy thought, it will chase you, and its presence will grow bigger and bigger within your mind, as though the fear itself grows into a legend of panic. 

Don't be afraid of your thoughts.  None of the things you mentioned sound abnormal to me.  I often feel as thought I am being watched, and sometimes feel people touching me, or hear them talking.  I have people inside that are in contact with me from another plane of existence.  Does this sound like something a crazy person would say?  Sure.  Am I crazy?  Probably...but then again, I feel that most people are simply closet-crazy.  There once was a time when my own madness terrified me...I've been through the mental health care system since I was a young teen...and it only got worse and worse.  Everyone told me that my experiences were BAD, that they were "abnormal," that the people weren't real, that they were all just fake, that it was because I had a PROBLEM with my head.  But how could they know this?  Only *I* know if I have a problem or not, because I am the only ONE who *can* know. 

What I'm saying is, I went through hell...**Hell** for the longest time before I realized I was empowering hell by fearing it...I was creating my own reality.  By fearing madness, I was sending myself further into the heart of it.  It was only when I decided to accept it, to really come to terms with my own insanity, my own potential for hell, my ability become a creature of hell, every terrible, awful thought I had, every destructive impulse that racked my brain, every trembling paranoia that kept me frozen in fear that...it lifted from me. 

I accepted my madness and then things changed...it grew...fun. 

There's nothing wrong with me.  I am ME. 

Just like it sounds like there's nothing wrong with you, if you're you. 

Remember you are not the thoughts you have.  You are not the feelings you have.  The *you* that exists is beyond all that earthbound nonsense entirely.  You goes beyond you now. 

Now I know that every person is unique, so it's possible that what I just wrote has no relevance to you.  I am only one person, so I only have my own experience to go off of.  I just wanted to help, to reach out and hope that it was of some assistance. 

I know you are concerned you are going mad.  My guess is that you already ARE mad (we all are).  If this frightens you, if you fear that you may cause harm to yourself or others, if you desire to take action and ease these troublesome thoughts, it may be best to talk to a therapist.  I recommend therapy before medication, but meds can also help you get a boost, to help build up your confidence to handle everyday life. 

And that's the point my friend...you don't deserve to suffer or feel overwelmed or bad or worried..you DON'T.  That's why there's tons of people out there who would love to give you a leg up, to get a grip and reflect on those thoughts and feelings you were having.  It's about quality of life...and you deserve the highest quality possible. 

Good luck in your journey...much love.  :heart: 

I hope you find something that helps

*me*

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: InsaneInTheBrain]
    #4390477 -

InsaneInTheBrain said:
I looked into the mirror and saw my face distorted. The farther away I got from the mirror, the more my facial features distorted and if I looked closely it seemed more normal. I think it scared me at first, but I just ignored it and the next day the problem was gone. I still continued to smoke heavily and gradually the distortion became present even when I was sober.


InsaneInTheBrain said:
After a while I only experienced anxiety, increased heart rate and fatigue.


InsaneInTheBrain said:
I honestly believe(d) that I am somehow being watched.. maybe that I'm on a reality TV show or something and that people can read my mind.



InsaneInTheBrain said:
People will bring up things I've been thinking into conversation. Most people would not even think of this as a coincidence, because thousands of thoughts pass through your head and it would be no surprise if a thought was brought up in a conversation. However I can't help but get extremely paranoid when something like this happens. I also find hidden meanings in things people say.


InsaneInTheBrain said:
At first thoughts like these would only occur when I was stoned, but they began to occur even when I am sober and at certain times it gets quite bad, I feel very paranoid and it's all I can think about. I try to remind myself that these things are not true, but I really start to believe them at times.


InsaneInTheBrain said:
Sometimes I can be talking to someone and I'll just tune out. This can cause problems at work if someone is giving me instructions to do something and I'm not really following what they're saying. This will also happen at random times. I get a glassy look in my eye and I just stare off in space. I probably look quite crazy.


InsaneInTheBrain said:
I can't really control the depth of my voice.. sometimes it sounds whiny and high pitched and other times more low. I may also walk with a bit akwardly.. maybe from doing squats at the gym.


If your still smoking a lot of cannabis STOP, and I mean ENTIRELY!

I don't really have time to reply fully to your post but I too used to experience these same symptoms that I've quoted from your post.

It took quite a while for the negative effects to abate but they did eventually apart from the odd brief anxiety attack every few months or so which I still get years later!

I still dabble occasionally with certain drugs like psilocybe mushrooms, mdma and the odd bit of coke but none of them has EVER had such a negative effect on my life as cannabis!

Do yourself a favour and quit, even if its only for a few months and see if it helps  :smile:

--------------------



--------------------
PROMOTE BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: MOTH]
    #4390506 -

i don't have much to say....sorry.....but i'm with you man...

time/thought is the ultimate medicine.....

i've completely blown through that "threshold" Elle was talking about at least twice....

it's just time,realizing your tendencies ,and trying to change them,no matter how slow the process is....

i have the problem of ,relapse, and it get's quite serious when it happens....i try to do that ^......




:hug:


--------------------

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: InsaneInTheBrain]
    #4391111 -

NO YOU HAVE NOT LOST IT, actually you have no metal dis-function at all from what I read from your passage. You have to realize the words of insanity, people that are "crazy" don't think they are crazy. You have problems of fear. Reading your passage, its obvious that you are a very sensitive and scared person. You are scared of many things, your scared your becoming mentally ill. But You are not mentally ill, you are creating your own personal reality of this "fear-full situation". Your mind is a powerful thing. Start focusing on more positive things, when ever you come across a negative/scary thought replace it with a positive one. You have to re-simulate your mind. Its allot easier said then done. It takes time. Just stay positive, and quit smoking weed, weed can illuminate anxiety while high, and remembering the fears from being high can effect sober behavior.

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: p4kSouL]
    #4391744 -

I don't think you're insane...I mean, everyone I know acts and thinks like you do. I hear shit all the time, see flashes and trails alot when I'm completely sober. When I read your post, I thought I was reading about me and all my friends...lol Not to joke on you...

I'm 18 now and I've had mental problems since I was 9...manic depressed, OCD, narcissistic rage (spelling?) (something because I was always lazy, forgot what they called it), and mild insomnia. Man, I think about killing people in really scary ways and don't even catch what I'm thinking about until I thought about it for a while. I feel like beating the shit out of almost everyone I see, I think about rape, robbery, suicide, torture...things like that. I don't know why I think that way, and that's all I do is think about it. I have never done anything that I've thought about like that...they're just thoughts. I'm not going to blame marijuana for it. What I mean is you're not insane...just different, but we're all like that and that's the way it's gonna be.

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: Revan]
    #4391889 -

Ellemysshade gives good advice.

If you really feel you're having trouble, consider seeing a psychiatrist. Having someone to talk to can be immensely helpful. It can be hard to work things out for oneself; some people can do it, but others can't. There's no shame in talking to someone about it. Do what you feel is right.

Peace, and good luck


--------------------

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: InsaneInTheBrain]
    #4391986 -

Most everything you said is the exact same for me. The scary part is that these thoughts seem too real and the connections too perfect. Maybe we are just delusional, but maybe we're not....I don't even know what to say man.


--------------------

"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: p4kSouL]
    #4395230 -

excellent reply p4k, also, smoking definitely increases the hidden messages and delusional ill intents of others. Slow down or just stop, get into a positive hobby anything to take your mind off its current course.


--------------------
I went to st thomas and camped out ontop of the island... Despite my entire family being poor all my life, the land is priceless.
I was chased by haitians in the main city charlotte amalie when my girlfriend and I got some cocaine for free in a bar and mixed it with alcohol, to form a stronger drug. With such confidence at 2am, we walked the 4-5 or so miles down to the beach where the african slaves lie like lions waiting on tourist prey.

The war isen't on drugs... the war is on the causes that influence people to abuse drugs. drug-abuse is a by-product of the system and much like radioactive waste occurs from utilizing nuclear power, drug addicts with drug-problems will need to be properly disposed of, like the decaying radioactive waste produced from nuclear energy. -i2ancid

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Re: Have I lost it? [Re: I2ancid]
    #4398799 -

I, and I'm sure many others, can completely relate to what you're describing. Beginning in about 7th grade, before I had ever touched pot, I was completely convinced that someone, possibly everyone, was aware of my every action and thought, even when I was alone. Eventually those thoughts subsided but I still struggle with my personal "sanity". As of late, however, I've realized that even the people who appear most "sane" deal with their own personal demons. Something thats helped me put my mental image into context is just watching the people around me. If you take the focus off of yourself and look at other people you can see that everyone has mannerisms they try to hide, insecurities they try to cover up, and thoughts out of the ordinary that only make sense to them. Sanity really is a social construction, and an extremely detrimental one at that.

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