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Anonymous #1

my solution to ever growing problems....
    #1945026 - 09/23/03 05:52 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

hi,

Its me again.  I haven't visited this forum in a long time with my problems.  I am a little drunk at the moment so if my spelling is bad I will try to fix it. I am drunk so I can talk about my feelings. It seems to be the only way to get my message out of my body. :smirk:

I can't seem to handle my life anymore. I can't get it into control. I feel like I have control but my feelings haven't changed.  I have fears in life. We all have the fear.  I didn't know mine til yesterday.  I have a fear of relationships.  I have a fear of living, I have a fear of living and not making my life worthy enough to me. this is my fear. I have to face it. now I have had this fear since junior high. I always thought I would die before the age of 21.  I can't explain it enought without talking to someone about it in person. the thing is, I didn't fear it, I wanted to die at the age 21 and always have. I guess I thought it would be easy way out of life.  Well, I am 21. I haven't died.  But I have this pressure to push myself to the edge and fall is growing.  I use drugs to get me to that edge.  Its like in the movie fight club when jack gets the chemical burn.  He has to give up everything to gain anything.  I am there. I try to fall as far as I can so I can hit the bottom of the life.  I feel death as my only escape.  I don't do hard drugs but I would to get to the bottom.  I would do oxy just to make my life like hell, just to achieve this goal that I have set for myself. I wish I was a achocolic, so it can go down smoother. I am tired and hurt by myself.  I don't have enough faith to make me believe its wrong what I am doing. I love lots of people. I will be happy if you see me, and I will act like nothing is wrong.  In fact most people don't know I am thinking this way. You are the only people I have ever told my plan too. 

I have had these thought all my life.  I can remember as a kid thinking the same thoughts. It doesn't matter who I am with. I thought I was going to marry an ex-girlfriend of mine, yet I still thought I was going to die at the age 21.  I have been to a theripist, they don't help me at all. I can't open up to them.  I should get drunk and talk to them, that might help. :smile: :smirk:

well if this makes any sense at all you can give your thoughts. If these crudely written sentences don't make senes just click to the next thread and forget about it.


----------------------------------------------
now the short version.

I want to bring myself to the bottom.  I want to hit the bottom of life so that I can be free of everything.  I don't do hard drugs, but I am willing just to get me to the bottom.  I am jealous of people who do hit the bottom of life.  I wish I was there. I have goals in life that I will do, but I am always thinking about dieing.  The thought never goes away. I live a great life and I am happy when I am around people, just I am not happy in my deep inner thoughts. 


peace

zerohero

p.s. I know I will reget this. :smirk: 


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Offlinesykobish
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: ]
    #1945337 - 09/23/03 07:20 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Sweety, i for one would miss the hell out of you if you were no longer around. You were there for me when i was down n out. So i'm there for you as well.

Sounds like you lost faith in what life is meant to be.. as i have lost faith in the human race and why people are so cruel. Maybe you expect too much from life. I mean, life is what you make it. The meaning of life is just to "BE".. to live.. to experience. There is no 'ultimate goal' that our life is supposta take us to, therefore there's no way you can fail. Why do you feel you find happiness reaching the bottom? You dont find happiness in being happy? In learning new things? In teaching others what you've learnt and they dont know? I for one dont want to see you reach the bottom hun. I would hate to see you suffering and in pain. You deserve so much more than that. You are a great person. Talking to you always brings a smile to my face. Is there nothing else that makes you happy in life? Nothing you want to do? Nothing that interests you?


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
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Offlinecanid
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: sykobish]
    #1945440 - 09/23/03 07:50 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

come on man, stick arround. you are surrounded by some great people when you are arround here, even if you don't know them all yet.
Quote:


Its like in the movie fight club when jack gets the chemical burn. He has to give up everything to gain anything.




the thing about scarrs [to paraphrase another movie] is that they have the power to remind us that the past was real.
they can remind us of where we have taken a wrong turn and help us remember not to take it again. they outlast pain-memory.

on the other hand, there is no need to find the bottom. life is not the edge, it's a gentle slope and you can climb to any point easily if you only realize it.


--------------------



Attn PWN hunters: If you should come across a bluing Psilocybe matching P. pellicolusa please smell it.
If you detect a scent reminiscent of Anethole (anise) please preserve a specimen or two for study and please PM me.


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Anonymous #1

Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: ]
    #1945696 - 09/23/03 09:00 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

i know this post won't be regarded highly by other people here... but i say....

hit bottom.

yes thats right, if you want it, then do it. there is nothing wrong giving up totally on this spiraling existence to nowhere. we don't need to prop ourselves up and live everyday with a smile on our face because its the accepted thing to do; because it makes our egos happy. thats all bullshit and its been spoon-fed to us that we must be happy and if we aren't then take pills, get help, or find a girlfriend.

why is it imperative that we must be happy in this world? i think thats a cop-out and it seems like something inside of you wants to break free, and the only way to break free is to break the chains, the chains of hope.

great things can come from being totally desperate and on the verge of wanting to escape this world, you might find your salvation in the deepest pit of hell, and if you don't go there, you will struggle with that "thing" inside you until you die.



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Offlinecanid
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: ]
    #1945736 - 09/23/03 09:13 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:


why is it imperative that we must be happy in this world?




you don't have to be happy in the sence that you are all smiling and jolly, but if life is more down than anything else it becomes harder then it needs to be to cope with it. it becomes a weight you are dragging every inch of your day. it's just not the way people need to be.

if i zerohero didn't want to feel better in some way i don't think he would have made this thread. however he takes it at least someone tried to help him and he may appreciate it.


--------------------



Attn PWN hunters: If you should come across a bluing Psilocybe matching P. pellicolusa please smell it.
If you detect a scent reminiscent of Anethole (anise) please preserve a specimen or two for study and please PM me.


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Anonymous #1

Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: canid]
    #1945755 - 09/23/03 09:18 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

however he takes it at least someone tried to help him and he may appreciate it.

are you saying i didn't try to help him?

i'm sorry if you didn't, but i am giving him advice on something i feel very strong about, as i've been there. its the best advice i know on how to help him.


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Offlinecanid
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: ]
    #1945813 - 09/23/03 09:35 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

no, i know you are trying to help him, i'm only saying that your oppinoin isn't one i agree with entirely so i responded with my oppinoin. it's no reflection on you or your motives.


--------------------



Attn PWN hunters: If you should come across a bluing Psilocybe matching P. pellicolusa please smell it.
If you detect a scent reminiscent of Anethole (anise) please preserve a specimen or two for study and please PM me.


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Anonymous #1

Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: canid]
    #1946010 - 09/23/03 10:38 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

thanks guys,

I thank you for the support....

I can always count on the shroomerites to make me feel better.  I just seem to agree with looner on this.  I feel like the only way to be happy is to loose everything.  I feel I need everything in my life to be fucked up just so I feel like I am getting somewhere. I know it shouldn't be like this, but thats the way I have been feeling.  I promise you if you saw me in person I would be sad and I would be happy as can be. Somewhere inside of me there is this feeling of doubt that I am not really happy and the only way to get there is by hitting the bottom. 

my whole life I knew I will die young, I have tried to speed up the process a couple of times(suicide), but I think I will let life takes its roll and let me die when the time is ready.  I enjoy life alot, actually since my last thread in support group I have made a 180 degree turn around.  I don't want to die really, I just want to be free.(if that makes any senes)

I have it in for myself, I guess.  I know I probably wont do crack or coke, oxy becasue I have friends that would stop me. Plus I can't ever find that shit anyway. :smirk: I think I do drug because I have always thought they were bad. So when I do them I think I am doing something bad. :frown:  If I thought drug were positive I would probably be saying I want to hit the top. :smirk:  I believe in use of the mushrooms as a spiritual tool, but I can't shake the fact that I think they are bad.  I kow the truth but I can't digest it. 

syko - I find you to be a great friend. What you say to me makes me feel good and means alot.  I regard you as a good friend(online, I haven't met you in person yet. :wink:). when you see me I will be the just like the guy online.  I am happy in person and I don't usually talk about my feelings.  I guess you will have to see to believe me. :smile: :smirk:



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Offlinesykobish
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: ]
    #1946078 - 09/23/03 11:00 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Well.. i consider you a great friend as well.  And WHEN we do see eachother in person, i'm sure you will feel very comfortable talking to me about anything.  And i hope you do.  If there is anything on your mind at all.. at any time.. feel free to rant, rave, vent, etc to me.  That's what friends are for.  You can tell me anything and it will be kept between the two of us.  :heart:


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space


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InvisibletrendalM
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: ]
    #1947308 - 09/24/03 10:53 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Hey zero buddy :smile:

I'll start off with the lyrics to a song I used to listen to when I felt like I had hit that lowest of lows:

Ah yeah, yo!
This song is dedicated to all the happy people
All the happy people who have real nice lives
And who have no idea what its like to be broke as fuck

I feel like I'm walking a tigh rope, without a circus net
I'm popping perkacet, but I work a sweat for this worthless check
Bout to burst this tech, at somebody to reverse this debt
Minimum wage got my adrenaline caged
Full of venom and rage
Especially when I'm engaged
And my daughter's down to her last diaper
That's got my ass hyper
I pray that god answers, maybe I'll ask nicer
Watching ballers while they flossing in their pathfinders
These overnight stars becoming autograph signers
We'll all gone blow up and leave the past behind us
Along with the small fry's and average half pinters
While playa haters turn bitch like they have vaginas
Cause we see them dollar signs and let the cash blind us
Money will brainwash you and leave your ass mindless
Snakes slither in the grass spineless

That's Rock Bottom
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's Rock Bottom
When you want something bad enough you'll steal
That's Rock Bottom
When you feel you have had it up to here
Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear

My life is full of empty promises
And broken dreams
I'm hoping things will look up
But there ain't no job openings
I feel discouraged hungry and malnourished
Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished
And I'm sick of working dead end jobs with lame pay
And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day
But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play
Cause when we die we know were all going the same way
It's cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan
When all you need is bucks to be the man
Plus a luxury sedan
Too comfortable and roomy in a six
They threw me in the mix
With all these gloomy lunatics
Walk around depressed
And smoke a pound of ses a day
And yesterday went by so quick it seems like it was just today
My daughter wants to throw the ball but I'm too stressed to play
Live half my life and throw the rest away

There's people that love me and people that hate me
But it's the evil that made me this backstabbing, deceitful, and shady
I want the money, the women, the fortune, and the fame
That Means I'll end up burning in hell scorching in flames
That means I'm stealing your checkbook and forging your name
Lifetime bliss for eternal torture and pain
Right now I feel like just hit the rock bottom
I got problems now everybody on my blocks got 'em
I'm screaming like those two cops when 2pac shot 'em
Holding two glocks, I hope your doors got new locks on 'em
My daughter's feet ain't got no shoes or sock's on 'em
And them rings you wearing look like they got a few rocks on 'em
And while you flaunting them I could be taking them to shops to pawn them
I got a couple of rings and a brand new watch you want 'em?
Cause I never went gold of one song
I'm running up on someone's lawns with guns drawn

----------------

Many people in this world live in arogance and ignorance. They live their lives surrounded with pleasures, most imposed upon them by the corporations. They want you to feel good, feel comfortable. These people living in comfort sometimes NEVER get to see what the other end of life is like. Living paycheque to paycheque. Do I have enough $$$ for this food I need? No...I'll just get more drugs...

I don't want to die really, I just want to be free.(if that makes any senes)

Yes, it does. We all want to be free. We all need to be free. I'm not 100% sure how to ask this but...are you awake yet, zero? Do you see what is being done to us in this society? Maybe you haven't seen it completely yet, I don't know. But you DEFINATELY have the subconcious awareness that comes first. It starts out as a feeling, an incredible urge to GET AWAY from "this life". What you may not realize is it is not life you need to get away from, just this life.

When people begin to realize just how NOT free we are, how we are all slaves, how our best human traits are being smothered with greed and hatred...they begin to feel uneasy. I felt it at first, too. I thought about ending it all. What use was there to stay here? What point? But as I opened my eyes a little more, I realized a few more things. There is a point. There is a way.

You want to know what Rock Bottom really is? It's that urge to end it all. You said you've already been there, zero. I think it's time to start your climb.

There's more of us on the slopes. You'll find us along your way, or we'll find you. But the connection will be made, if you just start climbing. 


--------------------
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.


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Anonymous #1

Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: trendal]
    #1947373 - 09/24/03 11:34 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

trendal quoted

"You want to know what Rock Bottom really is? It's that urge to end it all. You said you've already been there, zero. I think it's time to start your climb.

There's more of us on the slopes. You'll find us along your way, or we'll find you. But the connection will be made, if you just start climbing. "


Wow Wow .  I am in aww of the wisdom...  that is some very supportive words.  I like that song alot too. thanks trendal.  I believe you when you say that I have hit bottom and now it time to climb back.  I have felt that at certain times, I have hit the bottom and now I can work my way back up.  I think maybe I have been eluding to the fact that I need to climb and instead I keep trying to get lower.

Thank you trendal. Your words show the love you have to help people. :smile: I am going to have to think about what you said now.  I will have a plan soon.

syko - You know what I can't wait to see you too. :smile: We can rave anytime you want too. :smile: :smile: I thank you for your wisdom you have shared with me.  You have a very kind heart and I respect that more than anything in this world.  We are losing people like you all the time. thank you.



Looner - thank you alot... I know you can not be liked at times but I have love for you. :smile:  I feel like you know exactly what I am thinking and going through.  Your post in this thread helped alot.  I take your wisdom with much appreciation.  thank you.

concretefeet - thanks man. I haven't ever talked to you before. I thank you for taking the time to post to help me. :smile: I will talk to you to get to kow you better. :smile:  I agree with you about scares.  They do show that the past is real.  I will keep the quote close to me. thank you.

If anyone else has any help for me. I would appreciate it.  I need as much advise as you are willing to share. :smile:

peace

zerohero


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OfflineTwista
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: trendal]
    #1947446 - 09/24/03 12:06 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

z, you're journey through life shall be long and full of learning expereinces.

Be thankful for what you have because it may not be here tomorrow. The last person that I knew that thought they were going to die before 21 did, this was my best friend.

I know I probably wont do crack or coke, oxy becasue I have friends that would stop me.

Doesnt work that way...They wont always be there to stop you, trust me. God has a plan for you zero, wheather you believe it or not. For this you are blessed.

The evening we were together, I felt a young spirit inside you. A spirit full of energy and a keen mind to that can lead you to wherever you want to go.

The problem with hitting the bottom is that you can die in the process. Before you know it, your life is over and not only have you hurt yourself but all the loved ones around you.

I wish I was a achocolic, so it can go down smoother.

Be careful what you wish for, my friend. Alcohol will distort you life in more ways than you can imagine. Drugs make you lose touch with reality; ex: you get off work at 5 o'clock, you get stoned, eat, sit around for a few hours, watch television, browse the forum and next day you're doing it all over again...time slips away.

You need to focus on your goals. dont have any? make some. May sound cheap but im telling you man, your goals now will lead you to certain doom. Alcoholism, drug abuse, call it what you will but the clutches of these substances will drag your ass down in a heartbeat, some sooner than others. You say alcohol will make it a more smooth ride but you're wrong. You will expereince both physical and mental pain that you truly wont want to deal with. Try having to wake up to alcohol, not being able to eat, PRAYING that you will die. Doesnt sound like something i want to expereince. Do you? Is that the freedom that you're looking for? Hope not.

drugs to get me to that edge.

you cant always control the edge...its like walking towards it with a blindfold on, Step a little closer and you're over.

I am tired and hurt by myself

stop punishing yourself. its easier said than done.

Ive said it before and ill say it again, god has a way of putting people in my life. He brought us together zero, and i should relay the msg- god is real, he loves you, and has a plan, change your goals, write the *new* ones down. Tape it to your mirror.

trendal, you continue to amaze me. your kindness will not be forgotten.


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OfflineTwista
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Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: Twista]
    #1947477 - 09/24/03 12:25 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

Im sorry for mostly focusing on the drug use but I think that it is critical in this time in your life to not push yourself too far, to not lose too much touch with reality. I'm not trying to tell you not to use but im telling you that the mind is very fragile and under stress, it doesnt operate at its full potential.

For me, hallucinigens are a tool for learning. yes, sometimes i go a little overboard but that too is a learning experience of its own and I rarely, if ever, try to push myself much much further. I dont see drugs as being only good or only bad because they can be both.

Its hard to refrain from using when you just wanna get fucked up, but to stop, reconsider the situation and your mindset at the time and to "think the high through" takes a different person that ISN'T focused on the edge and getting a little too close.

best wishes to you my friend, im always here to talk.

-t-


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Anonymous #1

Re: my solution to ever growing problems.... [Re: Twista]
    #1951003 - 09/25/03 02:14 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

thanks twista,

I consider you a great friend. I know we will cross paths again. :smile:

your I believe you.  I think I have hit the bottom.  I think I need to stop worrying and start living.  I was on the edge of figureing this out but with the help of you guys it made it obvise.  :smile:


I am better already, that was just one of those days. I have never drank alone before.  I was hurt that day.  I am better because of all your help.  I only wanted to drink more and do oxy because I wanted to go down, but now I think I should go up. 

I will be talking to you soon twista.


thanks you all,

I hope to repay the favor someday. :smile:

peace


zerohero


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