The first time I did mushies, no revalations.
The second time I did them it was right after I finished my philosophy of mind (400 level) midterm. I bought a bag for 20, the guy said "Don't do em all at once, these are strong shrooms." So, I go do the whole thing at once.  Well, I do experience ego death, realizing everything in the universe is me. But, it comes to me like this. I just feel pure horror. The only awareness in the universe is mine, and it lasts forever. Because I am so bored with infinity upon infinite of nothing to do, I delude myself into thinking I am different people, create the illusions of space and time, etc. I had 0 grounding in the psychedelic experience at this point, and no religious or psychological framework to shape my view.
The second time I got a revalation from shrooms was much later. I had recently been seriously practicing meditation for a few days. Earlier, I had been doing a lot of mushrooms during the fall (pretty much 3 or 4 times a week for 3 months :thumpup:) without seeking revalation. Then I stopped. Later, I got some mushroom chocolates at this party, and ate one the next day to test it. It was extremely potent (I'm 95% sure it had an MAOI in it to potentiate the shrooms). This trip was so good. I was walking on a hill in an Arboretum in my town. This hill is a trailed forested area. It has a watchtower where you can see the whole town (Sehome Hill). I was gonna climb the hill and the tower, but while tripping, I realized I was trying to relive a previous experience where I had climed that same tower to watch the sunset. This trip (I wrote about it, I'll dig out the link) involved me using shrooms to ritually deal with some issues in my psychology (inspired by christian and native american rituals whereby painful events are dealt with using ethnogens). During that trip, I let go of someone who had died and whos death I hadn't processed, let go of being abused sexually as a kid. I did that by walking through a tunnel feeling reborn from the problem as I came out. Then, I climbed the tower and watched the sunset on that era of my life both actually and metaphorically while smoking a bowl and listening to shpongle and tool. It was the day I was supposed to graduate, and I was consciously letting go of my identity as a college student so I could move on. Anyhow, I decided that hanging onto that trip by trying to recreate it was bad. So, while tripping, I turned off onto a side trail I had never seen. All the sudden, everything looked so green and alive. I had a series of progressive revalations. These came by way of a repeated phrase. The thought loop I was caught in was "this is all...ME!" "this is all..(dramatic uncertainty)..ME!" In my mind, the 'this' refered to different things, at first the musicians I was listening too, then people in my life, people who's ideas I am involved with intellectually, (Watts, especially), and cumulating in a variety of religious figures, jesus, etc. I walked on this path for a while, and it took me to the base of the tower, but when I got there I felt like I already had the experience I was supposed to, and just left.
In between this trip and the next one, I did a lot of thinking on what I was. Personal identity. What is it that I am identical to? I started thinking about this a lot. After a while, I realized I had an extremely clear picture of what I was in my head. Then, the first revalation I got not on drugs (maybe pot I am usually high 24/7). This answer to the question of personal identity, what I think I am identical with when I really focus and don't hide anything from myself. The realization was, wait a minute, this is something I am looking at. It isn't me, it is an idea in my head that I am looking at. Whoa! I don't think I would say I have had this revalation as a revalation, it still feels more intellectual then any of the others. Maybe integrating that one is for a future trip.
The last one happened a few days ago. I feel like I reached enlightenment this time. I had decided that rather then do another spiritual quest, I was going to take a small dose and deal seriously with one specific issue. I had recently become aware that I'm fully diagnosable as a person with schizotypal disorder. Part of this disorder involves extreme discomfort around people that does not go away (and may in fact get worse) with knowing the people better. Like, even when I am with my family, I feel so alienated from them. I can't talk to them at all. It works the same way with friends. I make some friends, then start to get anxious when hanging out with them. My goal during this trip was to address that particular issue. I wanted to think about that one characteristic of my psychology. So, I took 1/2 a chocolate and went on a different trail on the hill. Well, this trip was great too, but different. I had the same "we are all one" that terrified me the first time, and I was able to understand better the second time, but it was more then that. The only way I can describe it is by convoluted analogy. I felt like reality, whats really real, what I experience, is made up of all these different interwoven fabrics, and when you pull them all back, really get to the bottom of it, there was just a sign that said, "You made it, I hope you enjoyed the ride, cause that was all there ever was." But it wasn't serious at all. It was the funniest thing ever. The biggest cosmic joke. This cracked me up, I was like "The fuck? Enjoy it? I studied psychology and Buddhism and philosophy and physics for years to hear that". But, thats all there was. It was soo funny. I can't emphasize enough that this whole trip was just absolutely the funniest thing ever. Along with this realization, came another minor one. The ego isn't entirely bad. There is a sense in which that is very real. The problem isn't that we have egos, it's that we are blinded by them because we think they are us. It's like a mask with video screens instead of eyeholes. The trick is to consider input from the ego without being blinded by it. This was funny too. All the problems I feel so cynical about, they are all true. But, they are also so funny. There is so much irony at this level. Hahhaah All these people are suffering because of their illusionary egos hahaha ohh they all are me, hahahahahahahaha It was all so funny. After this, I came to a weird sign. There was a fork in the path, and a concrete slab with an arrow pointing one direction. No text, no pictures, just an arrow. Being high as fuck, I thought "thats a pretty strong sign, I think I should follow it." It brought me around to the tower, which I had no idea I was even on the same side of the hill as. So, I climbed it this time. It was great. Then some christians climbed it and stayed at the top floor with me, and in my head it was like "grr...I just reached enlightenment and climbed my highly symbolic tower and then the shitty christians come occupy it. This is what happened to jesus. He climbed a tower and saw everything connected, then the christians took it over and ruined it. I feel like jesus again. Wait, but I am jesus." Then I started laughing so hard I had to leave.
These trips have affected my behavior a lot. I stopped eating meat. I am gradually moving toward a more monastic lifestyle by cutting out things that are unnecessary. For example, I got rid of 5 huge bags of clothes, leaving myself with only a few pairs of clothes. Now I never have to think about laundry or what to wear. Blue Jeans (khakis for work) and a white hemp shirt. Thats it for clothes. Just that one change has unleashed a lot of energy. I started eating hippy co-op food, and like it. I hvae became aware of my addictions, not just pot and cigs, but computer, music, certain interpersonal patterns, etc. I haven't tried to change these yet, because a desire to change them lets the ego start to blind you, but I've just worked on being really aware of whats going on while I go through them. I believe that, in practice, raising mindfulness without the desire for change is the best way to handle these issues. But, I don't practice the mindfulness during addictive behaviors too change later, just to know myself better. Anyhow, yes, integrating tripping revalations into life is the hardest part of a psychedelic lifestyle. This is because the sorts of changes psychedelics necessitate involve no longer desiring change.
I think this sort of pattern is sort of common as far as revalations while tripping go.
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"I am eternally free"
Edited by tomk (04/28/05 02:48 AM)
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