My advice on how to speak to people - Physical and Mental Well-Being

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The_Hobbit
Bilbo Baggins

Registered: 04/06/04
Posts: 1,382
Loc: The Shire
Last seen: 17 years, 1 month

My advice on how to speak to people

1
#4071490 - 04/19/05 02:47 AM (19 years, 2 days ago)

I have some advice on how to speak to people. I'm not talking about what you should be saying to others. I'm talking about how you say it and how you act around them.

Only a year ago, I was a complete social newb. 4 years of being the ultimate computer nerd left me in the dark as to how to act around other people. I think I've come a LONG way since then. I started hanging out with friends and I got a job as a telemarketer. Both have helped me practice socializing alot.

The first, and most important, thing you must remember is: breath. That seems like common sense, but it really isn't. If you aren't breathing deeply and calmly, you won't be comfortable. This leads to nervous behavior, anxiety, etc.. Take notice of how you're breathing. Take in air through your nose, breathing from your stomach and fully filling your lungs before exhaling slowly. I think that exhaling from your mouth is very relaxing. You may not want to constantly be exhaling from your mouth, but when you feel uneasy, take a few deep breaths and exhale out your mouth - you will feel so much better.

Secondly, sit with correct posture. Slouching will make you tired + unalert. I constantly struggle with this. I lose my posture without even thinking about it. I'm always shifting my weight around to be supported by different parts of my body. I've gotten alot better, though. I constantly try to keep myself in check. As I practice more and more, sitting with good posture becomes more and more natural and easy to do. Working out has helped me alot, as well. Certain muscles support your body and take alot of the effort out of sitting up straight.
Look at it this way. What would a girl be more attracted to? A guy slouching + disregarding his body, or a guy who puts effort into his appearance and sits up straight? The same goes for guys. Who would you respect and feel more open towards - a depressed looking guy who is too tired to sit up, or a guy who takes pride in his appearance and sits up straight? I'm not saying that I wouldn't respect someone if they didn't have correct posture. I could really care less. But it matters to alot of people and it does effect how they think about you. Correct posture makes you look more mature, awake, alert, and ready to interact with.
[This postulation on my part]I think posture directly relates to breathing. When would it be easier for you to breath? Sitting straight up with no pressure on your lungs, or slouching with your rib cage pressing against them? Posture also relates to breathing because of the effort you put into sitting straight up. Sitting up requires effort, which means your muscles are working to acheive this position. Working muscles need oxygen. You will have to breathe deeper in comparison to slouching to supply oxygen to your muscles. This keeps your circulation + metabolism going more effectively, which causes you to be more alert and awake.

Thirdly, speak clearly, calmly, and confidently. The first thing you need to do to accomplish this is to speak from your chest. When you speak from your chest, your voice resonates fully. This is more important than you might think. You may sound normal to yourself when you speak from your throat, but you don't to everyone else. I used to speak like this. People would constantly miss or misunderstand what I was saying. Plus, I sounded like a bitch. I learned that speaking from my chest not only makes my voice sound fuller and clearer; it makes me sound more confident, too. Mumbling is the absolute worst thing you could do in a conversation where you are trying to make an impression on somebody. It makes you look nervous and unconfident in what you're saying. People respond to passion more than anything else. If you aren't speaking loud enough, then you're obviously not really into what you're saying - or atleast that's how other people interpret it. Speaking too softly has the same effect, only to a lesser extent. Don't do either one of those things: mumble or speak softly from your throat. Even in a face to face conversation, you should still speak from your chest. Vary the amount of pressure you put on your chest according to the situation you're in. Obviously you'll need to speak a little lowder in a crowded room to be heard clearly.
Speaking from your chest isn't the only variable in clear, calm, and confident speach, though. Another important thing to keep in mind is the tempo of your talking. Don't speed up or slow down what you're saying. Talk at a normal pace. This is the only way that most people will be able to understand and comprehend what you're saying as you're saying it, which is very important in back-and-forth conversation. You have to make a connection with the other person when conversating. Sometimes a good conversation isn't about what you say so much as how you say it. Feeling a good vibe between you and the other person is a great thing to experience. You won't experience it if you are nervously speeding up what you're saying or talking slowly like you're not even thinking about the conversation. What is a normal tempo? I don't know - you'll have to figure that one out for yourself. It's not hard.
Another variable in this important step to good conversation is pronounciation. Language is how you communicate. Words make up language. Say the words correctly or don't speak (jk =D). It's just common sense. People will understand you better and respect you more if you can use language skillfully. Pronouncing words correctly, putting emphasis at the correct part of the words, and sounding out everything shows that you're competent and earns you respect.
Telemarketing helped me alot with this. I was dazed and confused for my first few days, wondering why people wouldn't give me the time of day. Few people even listened to what I had to say. I found out that I wasn't connecting with them. The connection is everything. I learned that if they feel like I'm pushing something on them, rather than making them an offer, they will push right back and hang up. I started speaking at a normal pace, calmly pitching my deal, and pronouncing every word I said. All of the sudden, people took me seriously. They understood what I was offering and they felt inclined to accept. I called one guy who told me "Oh yeah, I've been getting all these calls about refinancing my house. Bla bla bla...". He then proceeded to give me all the information I wanted about refinancing his house. It's funny because he thought that I was a real business man, rather than just another telemarketer calling him from a list (which I was). I know that he thought that because of the way that I spoke with him.

My last words of advice are to remain calm + collected and to focus on the conversation fully. Have you ever been lying in bed, thinking about a conversation you had earlier that day and how you could/should have responded differently? I have. I do that all the time. Some of the responses I come up with are vastly different than what I really said. They are more true to myself. I will think of some funny, intellegent, and witty things that I could have said in place of the crappy stuff that I really did say. Why couldn't I have thought of that before? Why can't I let go, really be myself, and suprise myself with what I say in a real conversation? It's hard, but I think it's possible for everyone. You just have to realize the situation that you're really in. And what situation are you really in? What is your reality? Whatever you make it out to be. I remember a situation that I was in around a year ago when I first started hanging out with my brother's friends. My brother and his girlfriend were in another room doing their thing and I was out in the living room with my "friend" Kristina. I say "friend" because we weren't close at all. I barely had the courage to respond to anything she said to me. And my responses were usually short and obviously nervous. So we're out in the living room and she walks by me. I am almost petrified and I don't even look at her. She sits down on an adjacent couch. I layed there (slouching in my chair) too scared to say anything. After a minute or two, Kristina gets up and knocks on the door to the room my bro and his girlfriend were in. She says, "Come out you guys. You left me all alone out here." I felt shitty when I heard that. Not because it was insulting to me, but because she was right. She might as well have literally been alone, because I really wasn't there. Why wasn't I there? Our situations, our realities, were completely different. She was there to hang out with friends. I was there to be nervous, anxious, and paranoid. I was so afraid of what she might think of me that I didn't realize what she really did think of me. I'm sure she would have liked to have a conversation with me, no matter what I said. If I were in the same situation today, I would take advantage of the oppurtunity to talk to her. And that is really how you have to view conversation - as an oppurtunity. Appreciate that you are alive, in the presence of another human being who is different from you in many ways, but also very alike. Don't worry about anything. Remain calm + collected and MAKE conversation. Things aren't always going to flow. This isn't a TV show. There will be akward silences, weird moments, whatever. None of that matters. What matters is that you are there and making an effort at conversation. If you remain calm + collected and fully focus on the conversation, the other person will appreciate it and make the same effort as you. Don't come up with excuses like "I have nothing to say", "We have no similar interests", etc.. That is bullshit. How could you not think of something - ANYTHING? The person you're talking to is in the same boat as you. They won't think you're weird because of what you say. Just say it. Look into their eyes. Keep eye contact. Don't fidget or make nervous and useless movements. Focus fully on the conversation - focus on every word as the other person talks. Repeat it to yourself in your head if you have to. This is the only way you will be able to formulate a good response and be yourself. If you are thinking about your situation too much (i.e. "how should I react" "I wonder what he/she is thinking" "how long should I hold this smile for") then you will get lost in the conversation. There is nothing that kills a conversation quicker than the other person noticing that you aren't paying attention. A calm + collected you will act without overthinking. Remain in this mindset at all times.
The best conversation that I've had in recent memory was with a girl who I like. She layed down with me in my bed and we held hands. I knew she liked me, too, and her laying down with me and holding my hand lowered all my usual defences. I became instantly calm + relaxed with no thoughts in my mind. I only remember the first thing I said to her - something like "How are you?" All of the rest of the conversation is a blank to me. I think this is because the conversation didn't matter. The only thing that really mattered was the connection we made with eachother because we were both completely relaxed and happy to be with one another having a conversation. Being collected wasn't necessary in this case because there was nothing to collect - nervousness, anxiousness, and other worried thoughts were the farthest thing from my mind. I wasn't thinking about anything except her. We talked for a half hour straight laughing the whole time. This conversation showed me what a conversation can really be like if you are completely calm, comfortable, and focused.

All of these things work hand in hand. You have to have good posture to breath. You have to breath to remain calm, collected, and focused. You have to remain calm, collected, and focused to speak clearly calmly, and confidently. If you can do all of these things, you might just find yourself having a meaningful conversation - no matter what you're talking about.

P.S. Like I said before, this is all my personal advice from my personal experience. Therefore, it is opinion, which is subjective. My ideas about what makes a good conversation may be different from someone elses. Take my advice for what it's worth and, if you agree, don't just skim over this. Take the time to understand and comprehend what I wrote. Apply it to your life and your conversations. I hope my advice helps you!

P.S.S. If anyone else has advice, feel free to chime in. Any responses are appreciated.

--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.

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