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InvisibleColonel Kurtz Ph.D
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Serious problem with my mother. Any advice?
    #3542143 - 12/25/04 03:06 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Long and boring, you've been warned :wink:



So I've always have the typical problems with my mother, cleaning studies and such. However we've always been able to keep talking and we love each other as much as it is possible between mother and son.
Now both of us had been thru some hard times lately, and she's taking some antidepressants and is usually stoned and/or drunk.
This is usually not a problem for me, but lately she's been extremely cold to me and gets angry for any reason, but I just used keep my mouth shut.

Until a few days back, when we had a very violent argument, and i accused her of a lot of things that are going on in our lifes, then started to explain (while crying) that I feel really miserable when I'm near her.

Now she doesn't even talk to me, gives me the cold shoulder and even tries not to be in the same room as me. I've heard her cry a little a  few times, but she won't talk to me. I should mention I did apologize to her but she didn't say a thing.

What bothers me the most is that I think I fucked up for good this time. I don't want to lose touch whit her, but on the other side I can't talk to her, and definitely she won't start talking to me anytime soon.

In a month I'll go back to Spain, where I live, but until then we'll be in the same city (I live in my uncle's house).

So, the only viable option I see as of now is to move on and let her be, until she calms down or realizes the wrongs in our relationship, but just the idea causes me a lot of pain. I love her and I don't want to move on from her this way, but what can I do?

Anyway, thanks for reading :wink: if you have some advice I'll be seriously grateful :frown:


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:whatwhat:

There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!


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OfflineCaRnAgECaNdYS
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Colonel Kurtz Ph.D]
    #3542528 - 12/25/04 07:35 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Wow, sounds like a painful situation. I feel that way with my own mother at times. We are very close yet there are times when she seems to be replaced by another entity? There are days when she is miserable(I'm sure it's due to all the medications she takes) and she tries so hard to bring me down with her.

She argues over the small things and brings up old stuff just to try and get on my nerves or something. I'm not quite sure of her motive behind this.
What I do...I look at her and listen to her, then once she finishes saying whatever it is she's got to say, I walk away and let it go. I don't let it get to me. I understand that whatever it is she is feeling will pass and tomorrow things will get better. That's when I decide to talk to her.

I know your situation is different, but the only thing I can suggest is either to talk to her when you feel that she is in the right mood for it. Wait until you two are alone and make sure that you are ready to listen to whatever she has to say to you.

It seems to me that you want to fix this BEFORE you move back home. If so, then you must find a way to talk to her, otherwise you will have to move on and have this bothering you. You don't want to let this be a distraction for you(and I don't mean that in a bad way).

Sometimes we tend to let personal problems distract us from other important things in our life, then again that's how it works for me.

Back to you,you have a month to find a way to talk to her. Take her out somewhere...dinner? Coffee?

How old is your mother? My mother is going through menopause. That really screws with my mom's emotions. Makes her very happy one minute, completely cold and heartless the next. Then there are days when she just cries and doesn't leave her room. Is it possible that that may be causing her cold attitude towards you?

Mother and son ties are forever, not breakable in any way and I'm sure that her feelings for you are still strong. Maybe her medication and depression are a big part of this change. Maybe it's something else, either way...don't give up on her. She may need you more than you know right now. Be there for her and she may come around.
I hope everything goes well for you and your mother. Enjoy the holidays and spend as much time with your family as possible, make every moment count.
~Desiree~


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The secret to being funny is to say smart things stupidly, or is it stupid things smartly? Whatever..it's not rocket surgery...or something like that.


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InvisibleColonel Kurtz Ph.D
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: CaRnAgECaNdY]
    #3543899 - 12/26/04 12:03 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Thank you so much for your advice Desiree, it seems to me that our situations are quite similar.
My mother is also going through menopause, and with her depression and such she just gets crazy!
I find your advice very valuable, I'll try to follow it as much as I can. Now I just can hope she opens to me enough so that I can talk to her. I hope the situation with your mother gets better too :frown:
Once again, thanks :heart:


P.S: I've always liked your avatar a lot, is that you?  :inlove:


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:whatwhat:

There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!


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InvisibleSinbad
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: CaRnAgECaNdY]
    #3543970 - 12/26/04 01:01 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

I have had some problems with my mother in the past, she sufferes from serious Bi-Polar Manic Depression. She drank alot and was seriously nasty, we had her sectioned under the mental health act 3 times, but everyime the stupid doctors released her after 2 weeks because she was considered not to be a danger to herself or others (she's a really good actress) and once she ran naked around the house pursuing me and a house guest with a kitchen knife shouting that she was gonna "KILL US ALL!". She eventually kicked my father and myself out of the house, changed the locks and filed for divorce. which was the best thing for all of the family really

Anyways back to the point, mothers can be very emotional, she probably avoiding you becuase she feels she' let you down as a mother and is beating herself up over it! Try to reassure her that she has been a great mother to you and try not to react if she gets angry or abusive Comfort her when shes feeling depressed or sad, basically give her emotional support. I think its a good idea to take her out somewhere and spend money on her, to let her know she is appreciated.

When the time is right and the cirumstances have setteled, she may decide to give up drinking and smoking, but these are deicsions she has to make on her own. But if things get too rough for you, and nothing works,there is not point sacrificing yourslef and your mental well being, you'll probably have to accept the fact that there is nothin you can do for her. its a painful process, letting go!

But Sometimes distance is the only option.

i hope this helps!


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Edited by Sinbad (12/26/04 01:05 PM)


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InvisibleColonel Kurtz Ph.D
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Sinbad]
    #3544036 - 12/26/04 01:32 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

It certainly does help Sinbad, thanks for your input.

As of now it's impossible to talk to her, but I'll try when (and if) I see her more receptive.

That was some great insight Sinbad, my g/f's mom also has bi-polar syndrome and my gf suffers a lot because of it. I just hope we can finally get to live together and more peacefully :heart:

I'm sorry to hear you had such problems with your mother, I really don't know what to say :frown: I just hope it was for the best :frown:

Anyway, thank you so much for your input, I appreciate it a lot!


--------------------
:whatwhat:

There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!


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InvisibleSinbad
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Colonel Kurtz Ph.D]
    #3544135 - 12/26/04 02:27 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

Cool, im glad i could help :smile:

Things are better now, im livin with just my dad, Peace reigns at last :smile:

The big problem with bipolar's is to their last breath most will never admit that they have a problem, and take the neccassary meds and psycotherapy.

But their are always challenges in life, that we have to face, we all have to burn in the fire sometimes, pain lets us know were alive.
  :hellfire:  :shocked:  :smile:

Respect


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Edited by Sinbad (12/26/04 02:28 PM)


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InvisibleColonel Kurtz Ph.D
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Sinbad]
    #3544163 - 12/26/04 02:48 PM (12 years, 6 months ago)

:thumbup: :smile:


--------------------
:whatwhat:

There's no better way to rock out than with your cock out!!


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Invisiblemicololo2
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Colonel Kurtz Ph.D]
    #5121305 - 12/30/05 05:42 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

If you feel it's still a desastre situation between you and your mother.
I would do this:
Go away to your uncle or whatever.
Write to her. Try to explain the situation to her, your feelings about it.
Writing is better than talking. You have the time to think more for what you want to say. It's more precise. Less chances to make errors that hurt.
And she'll probably be happy to read it and hoping let her think more positive.
Wish you happiness and luck
Peace and love


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OfflineBooby
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Colonel Kurtz Ph.D]
    #5121329 - 12/30/05 06:34 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

My mother and I have always had difficulty communicating. She's lucky she has family around her (we live on different continents also). So I was thinking maybe she would open up to a professional. If she's religious maybe you could get a nun in a nun's habit to visit her, or maybe you could find a social worker you like then introduce them and stay in the background while they talk (make it worth her while to come back and talk to your mother). I'm just throwing things out there.


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Let it not be remembered
That mycelium eats detritus and dies
But that life in all it's glory
Counts mycelium to be on it's side.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Colonel Kurtz Ph.D]
    #5121646 - 12/30/05 11:24 AM (11 years, 6 months ago)

This problem is common. I would use my friend criteria. For a minute pretend she is not family and just someone you know as a friend. Are you willing to have this kind of person in your life as a friend or are they not worth it? Problem solved. It really is that easy and that necessary for your own wellbeing. Blood is NOT thicker than water.


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"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleFreedomFight
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: Icelander]
    #5122452 - 12/30/05 02:42 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

I agree with Icelander although it sounds like you still want your mother in your life. My suggestion is you buy (or pick) a nice little boquet of flowers and attach a note to it. Don't give it to your mom but leave it someplace where she will find it (like her bathroom sink or her bed). Make sure that the letter focuses on your desire to mend the damages between you two and it assures her that you are concerned about her depression/health as well as your relationship to her. Your mother may be seeking someone to talk to; let her know that you are there for her. I like the letters + flowers idea because it allows her to take her time and really absorb what you are saying without feeling like you are bombarding her (a direct confrontation can often be a very difficult thing to handle). The flowers are there because women (and especially mothers) are just plain suckers for them.


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I do not grow anything illegal.
I do not sell anything.
I am, however, a very curious individual.
I also try to be helpful.


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InvisiblePenguarky Tunguin
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Re: Serious problem with my mother. Any advice? [Re: FreedomFight]
    #5122559 - 12/30/05 03:08 PM (11 years, 6 months ago)

Awesome advice, Freedom.  I was gonna say write a letter, seal it in an envelope and place it somewhere where she'd find it after you'd left.  Freedom's suggestion is ten-fold better however.  Do that!



McKennaDMT :mushroom2: :mushroom2: :mushroom2:


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Every mistake, intentional or otherwise, in the above post, is the fault of the reader.


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