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OfflineThe_Hobbit
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My advice on how to speak to people * 1
    #4071490 - 04/19/05 04:47 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I have some advice on how to speak to people. I'm not talking about what you should be saying to others. I'm talking about how you say it and how you act around them.

Only a year ago, I was a complete social newb. 4 years of being the ultimate computer nerd left me in the dark as to how to act around other people. I think I've come a LONG way since then. I started hanging out with friends and I got a job as a telemarketer. Both have helped me practice socializing alot.

The first, and most important, thing you must remember is: breath. That seems like common sense, but it really isn't. If you aren't breathing deeply and calmly, you won't be comfortable. This leads to nervous behavior, anxiety, etc.. Take notice of how you're breathing. Take in air through your nose, breathing from your stomach and fully filling your lungs before exhaling slowly. I think that exhaling from your mouth is very relaxing. You may not want to constantly be exhaling from your mouth, but when you feel uneasy, take a few deep breaths and exhale out your mouth - you will feel so much better.

Secondly, sit with correct posture. Slouching will make you tired + unalert. I constantly struggle with this. I lose my posture without even thinking about it. I'm always shifting my weight around to be supported by different parts of my body. I've gotten alot better, though. I constantly try to keep myself in check. As I practice more and more, sitting with good posture becomes more and more natural and easy to do. Working out has helped me alot, as well. Certain muscles support your body and take alot of the effort out of sitting up straight.
Look at it this way. What would a girl be more attracted to? A guy slouching + disregarding his body, or a guy who puts effort into his appearance and sits up straight? The same goes for guys. Who would you respect and feel more open towards - a depressed looking guy who is too tired to sit up, or a guy who takes pride in his appearance and sits up straight? I'm not saying that I wouldn't respect someone if they didn't have correct posture. I could really care less. But it matters to alot of people and it does effect how they think about you. Correct posture makes you look more mature, awake, alert, and ready to interact with.
[This postulation on my part]I think posture directly relates to breathing. When would it be easier for you to breath? Sitting straight up with no pressure on your lungs, or slouching with your rib cage pressing against them? Posture also relates to breathing because of the effort you put into sitting straight up. Sitting up requires effort, which means your muscles are working to acheive this position. Working muscles need oxygen. You will have to breathe deeper in comparison to slouching to supply oxygen to your muscles. This keeps your circulation + metabolism going more effectively, which causes you to be more alert and awake.

Thirdly, speak clearly, calmly, and confidently. The first thing you need to do to accomplish this is to speak from your chest. When you speak from your chest, your voice resonates fully. This is more important than you might think. You may sound normal to yourself when you speak from your throat, but you don't to everyone else. I used to speak like this. People would constantly miss or misunderstand what I was saying. Plus, I sounded like a bitch. I learned that speaking from my chest not only makes my voice sound fuller and clearer; it makes me sound more confident, too. Mumbling is the absolute worst thing you could do in a conversation where you are trying to make an impression on somebody. It makes you look nervous and unconfident in what you're saying. People respond to passion more than anything else. If you aren't speaking loud enough, then you're obviously not really into what you're saying - or atleast that's how other people interpret it. Speaking too softly has the same effect, only to a lesser extent. Don't do either one of those things: mumble or speak softly from your throat. Even in a face to face conversation, you should still speak from your chest. Vary the amount of pressure you put on your chest according to the situation you're in. Obviously you'll need to speak a little lowder in a crowded room to be heard clearly.
Speaking from your chest isn't the only variable in clear, calm, and confident speach, though. Another important thing to keep in mind is the tempo of your talking. Don't speed up or slow down what you're saying. Talk at a normal pace. This is the only way that most people will be able to understand and comprehend what you're saying as you're saying it, which is very important in back-and-forth conversation. You have to make a connection with the other person when conversating. Sometimes a good conversation isn't about what you say so much as how you say it. Feeling a good vibe between you and the other person is a great thing to experience. You won't experience it if you are nervously speeding up what you're saying or talking slowly like you're not even thinking about the conversation. What is a normal tempo? I don't know - you'll have to figure that one out for yourself. It's not hard.
Another variable in this important step to good conversation is pronounciation. Language is how you communicate. Words make up language. Say the words correctly or don't speak (jk =D). It's just common sense. People will understand you better and respect you more if you can use language skillfully. Pronouncing words correctly, putting emphasis at the correct part of the words, and sounding out everything shows that you're competent and earns you respect.
Telemarketing helped me alot with this. I was dazed and confused for my first few days, wondering why people wouldn't give me the time of day. Few people even listened to what I had to say. I found out that I wasn't connecting with them. The connection is everything. I learned that if they feel like I'm pushing something on them, rather than making them an offer, they will push right back and hang up. I started speaking at a normal pace, calmly pitching my deal, and pronouncing every word I said. All of the sudden, people took me seriously. They understood what I was offering and they felt inclined to accept. I called one guy who told me "Oh yeah, I've been getting all these calls about refinancing my house. Bla bla bla...". He then proceeded to give me all the information I wanted about refinancing his house. It's funny because he thought that I was a real business man, rather than just another telemarketer calling him from a list (which I was). I know that he thought that because of the way that I spoke with him.

My last words of advice are to remain calm + collected and to focus on the conversation fully. Have you ever been lying in bed, thinking about a conversation you had earlier that day and how you could/should have responded differently? I have. I do that all the time. Some of the responses I come up with are vastly different than what I really said. They are more true to myself. I will think of some funny, intellegent, and witty things that I could have said in place of the crappy stuff that I really did say. Why couldn't I have thought of that before? Why can't I let go, really be myself, and suprise myself with what I say in a real conversation? It's hard, but I think it's possible for everyone. You just have to realize the situation that you're really in. And what situation are you really in? What is your reality? Whatever you make it out to be. I remember a situation that I was in around a year ago when I first started hanging out with my brother's friends. My brother and his girlfriend were in another room doing their thing and I was out in the living room with my "friend" Kristina. I say "friend" because we weren't close at all. I barely had the courage to respond to anything she said to me. And my responses were usually short and obviously nervous. So we're out in the living room and she walks by me. I am almost petrified and I don't even look at her. She sits down on an adjacent couch. I layed there (slouching in my chair) too scared to say anything. After a minute or two, Kristina gets up and knocks on the door to the room my bro and his girlfriend were in. She says, "Come out you guys. You left me all alone out here." I felt shitty when I heard that. Not because it was insulting to me, but because she was right. She might as well have literally been alone, because I really wasn't there. Why wasn't I there? Our situations, our realities, were completely different. She was there to hang out with friends. I was there to be nervous, anxious, and paranoid. I was so afraid of what she might think of me that I didn't realize what she really did think of me. I'm sure she would have liked to have a conversation with me, no matter what I said. If I were in the same situation today, I would take advantage of the oppurtunity to talk to her. And that is really how you have to view conversation - as an oppurtunity. Appreciate that you are alive, in the presence of another human being who is different from you in many ways, but also very alike. Don't worry about anything. Remain calm + collected and MAKE conversation. Things aren't always going to flow. This isn't a TV show. There will be akward silences, weird moments, whatever. None of that matters. What matters is that you are there and making an effort at conversation. If you remain calm + collected and fully focus on the conversation, the other person will appreciate it and make the same effort as you. Don't come up with excuses like "I have nothing to say", "We have no similar interests", etc.. That is bullshit. How could you not think of something - ANYTHING? The person you're talking to is in the same boat as you. They won't think you're weird because of what you say. Just say it. Look into their eyes. Keep eye contact. Don't fidget or make nervous and useless movements. Focus fully on the conversation - focus on every word as the other person talks. Repeat it to yourself in your head if you have to. This is the only way you will be able to formulate a good response and be yourself. If you are thinking about your situation too much (i.e. "how should I react" "I wonder what he/she is thinking" "how long should I hold this smile for") then you will get lost in the conversation. There is nothing that kills a conversation quicker than the other person noticing that you aren't paying attention. A calm + collected you will act without overthinking. Remain in this mindset at all times.
The best conversation that I've had in recent memory was with a girl who I like. She layed down with me in my bed and we held hands. I knew she liked me, too, and her laying down with me and holding my hand lowered all my usual defences. I became instantly calm + relaxed with no thoughts in my mind. I only remember the first thing I said to her - something like "How are you?" All of the rest of the conversation is a blank to me. I think this is because the conversation didn't matter. The only thing that really mattered was the connection we made with eachother because we were both completely relaxed and happy to be with one another having a conversation. Being collected wasn't necessary in this case because there was nothing to collect - nervousness, anxiousness, and other worried thoughts were the farthest thing from my mind. I wasn't thinking about anything except her. We talked for a half hour straight laughing the whole time. This conversation showed me what a conversation can really be like if you are completely calm, comfortable, and focused.

All of these things work hand in hand. You have to have good posture to breath. You have to breath to remain calm, collected, and focused. You have to remain calm, collected, and focused to speak clearly calmly, and confidently. If you can do all of these things, you might just find yourself having a meaningful conversation - no matter what you're talking about.

P.S. Like I said before, this is all my personal advice from my personal experience. Therefore, it is opinion, which is subjective. My ideas about what makes a good conversation may be different from someone elses. Take my advice for what it's worth and, if you agree, don't just skim over this. Take the time to understand and comprehend what I wrote. Apply it to your life and your conversations. I hope my advice helps you!

P.S.S. If anyone else has advice, feel free to chime in. Any responses are appreciated.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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Offlinebarfightlard
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #4071793 - 04/19/05 10:19 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

good post man

I've been struggling with this foir a couple years. I used to be outgoing and could hold a conversation alot better than I can now. I feel like I've turned into a social retard now...

When i'm talking I try to speak clearly, but I just can't. Even when im around people that I feel no axniety around I still speak very poorly. Maybe some speech therapy would help??

good post though, i'm going to try and keep your advice in mind


--------------------

"What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?" - Bill Hicks


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InvisibleVvellum
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit] * 1
    #4072678 - 04/19/05 02:42 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

if you cannot think of anything to say, just ask the other person questions about themselves. everybody loves this - people love to be the center of someone's attention and inquiry.


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InvisibleDark_Star
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #4073103 - 04/19/05 04:35 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Good advice...I'm very socially inept...so I need to put this to work.  :thumbup:


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: barfightlard]
    #4073585 - 04/19/05 07:13 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

bellylard said:
When i'm talking I try to speak clearly, but I just can't.  Even when im around people that I feel no axniety around I still speak very poorly.  Maybe some speech therapy would help??



This happens to me at work every day. I get into the office, sit down, drink some water, and start calling people up. I get someone on the line and I begin my pitch. I try to speak clearly, but it just doesn't work. Arg! No biggy.. it's not like I won't be making 100 other calls today. :laugh:

As I call more and more people, my speech gets better and it becomes easier to talk. I think this is just my voice warming up. I don't know what exactly makes up my voice.. I know it has to do with the diaphragm, vocal chords, and lung capacity, but that isn't really important to know since I can't control these parts of myself anyways. What is important to know, I think, is that you need to warm up your voice. Just like you would do a warm up set of squats before pounding out heavy weight at the gym, you need to warm up your voice before it will work correctly.

Just keep talking and it'll get easier. You might try singing before you have a conversation, if possible. This will keep your voice strong and ready to function. Whatever works!


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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InvisibleHolydiver
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #4073611 - 04/19/05 07:24 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Very helpful, thanks a bunch hobbitcg.


--------------------
To find a place to live between the negatives and positives.


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OfflineSammy
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: Holydiver]
    #4074196 - 04/19/05 09:45 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Better to keep your mouth shut and look like an idiot, than open it and remove all doubt.

That's one thing I go by.. every damned day

Sammy


--------------------

I believe in the Golden Rule ? The Man with the Gold . . . Rules.
- Mr. T


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OfflineThe_Hobbit
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: Sammy]
    #4074791 - 04/19/05 11:44 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Sammy said:
Better to keep your mouth shut and look like an idiot, than open it and remove all doubt.



I'd rather open my mouth and look like an idiot than not speak. I care what other people think about me, but I don't care if they think I'm weird/stupid/whatever. I can't help being who I am. If other people don't like me, oh well.


--------------------
Smoking my hobbit leaf...
Please keep in mind that I am just a human being. Please read my posts carefully and interpret their meaning for yourself.


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Invisiblep4kSouL
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #4075072 - 04/20/05 12:58 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

It takes practice just like everything else. The more you talk the better you will become. Same with anxiety. The more your think negative the better you will be at it. Switch that..


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InvisiblePsychoactive1984
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #4075465 - 04/20/05 02:46 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Speak your mind, lose the imagery.... if it isn't an interview, or something that requires a high degree of professionalizm, their is no need to employ such methods.

Be honest, open, and don't be too critical about another's views, until you understand... once you do, speak your mind again, without fear of what is thought, suggested, believed, or percieved as to the nature of who you are.... as it doesn't really matter, as long as you're having fun :smile:

No need to worry about how other percieve you... theirs a fucking lot of humans in this world, I don't choose to live my life to please a single one of them (with the express intent of it) if it happens :shrug: cool, if it doesn't though... fuck it, I live for myself.

--
Something very odd to talk about in terms of a stale conversation is the silence of itself. It'll lead to a spurious discussion of the silence that was their, the reasoning of the silence, etc, etc, etc... to speak of silence is to not experience it.

Did you like my post? Did you hate it? Did you love it?
No need to answer, it doesn't really affect me if you did or didn't, just realize that perception is a funny thing, and attempting to go about living life to please others rather then yourself, isn't a very satisfying way to live.


--------------------
"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
-Common sense is uncommon.


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Invisiblespudamore
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: Vvellum]
    #4075592 - 04/20/05 03:41 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

bi0 said:
if you cannot think of anything to say, just ask the other person questions about themselves. everybody loves this - people love to be the center of someone's attention and inquiry.




this is a great habit, when you do this you can find something that you can relate to, to that person, but when you do make sure you don't talk about yourself much, allow room for them to ask questions too.


--------------------
suicide a permanent solution to a temporary problem


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OfflineJon
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: spudamore]
    #4078067 - 04/20/05 07:13 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

ive prolly read over a hundred things on helping an antisocial habit without actually acting upon it. But its always good to absorb this sort of stuff. Great post!


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Invisiblefearfect
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: Jon]
    #4079340 - 04/21/05 12:38 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

my problem is not that i'm shy or uncomfortable around people, I just don't like to bullshit with people I don't really know. I couldn't care less what you did today or what restaurant you ate at, so I don't ask. I tend to get annoyed at having to answer these kinds of questions too.


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InvisibleDark_Star
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: Jon]
    #4079355 - 04/21/05 12:42 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Jon said:
ive prolly read over a hundred things on helping an antisocial habit without actually acting upon it. But its always good to absorb this sort of stuff. Great post!



:lol: :lol: :lol: You're not alone in that!


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InvisiblePsychoactive1984
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: fearfect]
    #4079364 - 04/21/05 12:44 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

:yesnod: I feel the same way about small talk. Kind of like when someone says hi, how are you; and you say something to the effect in clear terms of "good" and walk away without reciprocating the question, and they look at you very strangely  :smirk: (try it sometime as a joke, weird reactions).... sometimes it's as if people are just talking for the sake of it, or more so to recieve acknowledgement.

I wouldn't consider it anti-social as some of you folks suggest in this thread.... more anti-bullshit, some people are just more tolerant then others are... and some people aren't willing to waste their time for the sake of having it to waste.



--------------------
"Their is one overriding question that concerns us all: How can we get out of the fatal groove we are in, the one that is leading towards the brink?" Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"We may not be capable of eradicating the corruption of reason, but we must nevertheless counter it at every instance and with every means." Dan Agin
"Politics is the best religion and politicians are the worst followers."
-It's ok to trip as long as you don't fall.
-Substance over Style.
-Common sense is uncommon.


Edited by Psychoactive1984 (04/21/05 12:53 AM)


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InvisibleVvellum
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: fearfect]
    #4080359 - 04/21/05 10:36 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

my problem is not that i'm shy or uncomfortable around people, I just don't like to bullshit with people I don't really know. I couldn't care less what you did today or what restaurant you ate at, so I don't ask. I tend to get annoyed at having to answer these kinds of questions too.




...and how is this working out for you? are you full of love and surrounded by caring friends? I have seen your posts before and you seem incredibly cynical and angry.

I think little talk like this (which you consider useless) can actually have a positive effect. I enjoy talking to strangers - you never know what their story is. Perhaps their mother just died and just asking "hey man - what did you like of the game last night?" lightens their load. Making someone feel good - even for just a minute - can really go a long way sometimes.


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Invisiblemecreateme
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: Vvellum]
    #4081128 - 04/21/05 02:26 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

The small details of life are some of the most interesting parts.


"I couldn't care less what you did today "
You said the same thing hobbitcg refuted in his post. Bullshit, everybody can care or at least be involved talking about the small things in your life. Those things connect us.

Another way to talk to anybody, especially if you are in the same boat, i.e. work, school, would be to complain about something. Boy, we humans love to complain and talk about how we are not getting the best. Nothing brings a bunch of people togther like some hardships.


--------------------
No ONE wants to know the ultimate TRUTH, as soon as YOU find IT out, YOU want to forget IT.

You are everything's way of feeling itself.

Happy Schwag, everygodly!


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OfflineRolling
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: mecreateme]
    #4081991 - 04/21/05 06:14 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

im glad to have seen this thread...i agree about asking them about themselves instead.i think thats a really good way to start a conversation...i dont socialize much but im pretty comfortable with my friends...i just have trouble talking to new people, so its hard for me to meet new friends...so thanks for this posts, i think its gonna be a lot of help.


--------------------
Rolling Wheels
Power Wheelchairs
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."


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Offlinesignoffate
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: The_Hobbit]
    #4083107 - 04/21/05 11:48 PM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Three cheers for Bilbo!!!


:cheers:
            :cheers:
                          :cheers:


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Offlinefreddurgan
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Re: My advice on how to speak to people [Re: signoffate]
    #4086195 - 04/22/05 09:35 PM (11 years, 8 months ago)

man this thread is great. i feel inspired.

I too was a computer geek all through middle and high school, and now that I'm in college I really socially retarded. I'm talking <20 IQ extreme case study socially retarded.

But this post is great, I feel better having just read it. Sometimes you wonder if it's just you.

The story where the girl said "You left me all alone out here" pretty much hit home hard with me. I feel like that's the impression I give off sometimes. I might as well not be there.

Awesome post man


--------------------
Ishmael
http://www.ishmael.org

Ron Paul 2008!
http://www.ronpaul2008.com/


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