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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: question_for_joo]
    #3428989 -

i guess.

BabyHItler:  yes i have two kids, and they are lovely.  but it is not the same.. from the moment they could walk, they are no longer "mine" i just have to hold on to them for awhile, and love on them as much as theyll let me, until they decide to leave, or can afford it :smile:

i guess in my statement i was directing at my wife. who now, that i have decided, will no longer be my wife.  i love her dearly, but she does not love me.  we both got married because she was pregnant, i grew to love her, and she did not do the same.  ]
i am going to stop responding to this thread.  it was more to vent, to create a snapshot so i could look at myself and see what the fuck is wrong.  it did a pretty good job, i guess.

i have been "batteling" this feeling now not for my whole life, but for four years. only four years.  i got married four years ago, and i thought the vows i made were so real then... i still kept my vows to this day, yes she has broken every single one of them.  over and over again.

this has been my plight.  she is confusing, and makes me believe that things will get better, and that she will "try".  well she does a lot of trying, and im stopping it.

im not going to get into any more details of my relationship with her.  but rest assured, i have proof that she broke EVERY vow as of this morning, and can no longer stand to talk to her, or look at her.

tired of being lied to, tired of being put aside and ignored. fin.


thanks for your responses everybody, i appriciate them all.


thanks.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.

~Casil



:cactus:

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: looner2]
    #3430759 -

looner2 said:
I think you deserve a slap in the face. Suck it up. You have 2 kids, and I don't think I need to explain how horrible it would be for them to lose a father to suicide.

Keep your death wish to yourself, and if you need to, imagine shooting yourself in the head before you go to sleep everynight, but for christ sake, don't be so fucking selfish to your children and think about actually doing it.


Keep your death wish to yourself? Are you STUPID? The last thing someone needs under the agony that is depression, is to bottle any feelings up. Fucking moron, get your head out of your ass and stop coming to these threads.

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3430858 -

you sir, are a good man.....we need more people like you around, so do us a favor.....and stick around for as long as you can. i enjoyed meeting you at the last gathering, and i look foward to seeing you at another one....

:heart:


--------------------
how's your WOW?





  Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM) 

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3431383 -

Quote:
I guess there are two types of people who get depression.
The first would be those with a medical problem, some kind of chemical inbalance that only prescribed drugs can help.
The second type of depression is brought on by circumstance. This could be your lifestyle, career,money etc.
I honestly believe that everyone gets depression. It takes me in waves but never lasts more than a few days. Optimism and confidence can be the hardest thing to achieve especially when pesimism is so easy. If your depression is brought on by your circumstances ,you have to try and find a way of reinventing yourself to find confidence. This takes a certain amount of arrogance.
Arrogance is not the negative tool that society makes out. Its the way that you use it that counts. If you are the sort of person that is hurt easily by what people say then arrogance is for you! Through believeing in yourself and avoiding people that make you feel like shit, you have to believe that you are the center of your own universe. I hate to sound like one of those corporation motivational speakers but I do speak from experience.

All you have to do is try to recreate the feeling you had of confidence when you got a job you wanted,realised that a girl you like also likes you. This proves to you that you can and have been happy. Its not impossible.
Then, when you have a grasp of confidence, train yourself to handle rejection.

Don't dwell on the past (there is nothing you can do to change it)
Don't dwell on the future (it hasn't happened yet)
All we have is NOW.
If you are prone to depression, stay the fuck away from Cocaine,Heroin,ecstasy(yes folks!),speed and any chemical that is manufactured . The buzz maybe fine at the time but the effect it has on you for days after, leads to depression. I speak with a decade of experience and I still see my friends going through the suicidal,midweek comedown. Shrooms and weed however, come from nature and should be taken only when you are comfortable with yourself.

I can recommend a book by Jeremy Hayward called 'Sacred world - a guide to shambhala warriorship in daily life'. Don't worry its not a boring/religious read, it will help you deconstruct your thought patterns and help you overcome negativity.
After all, negative opinions of yourself are just an illusion, a virus if you will. We all get them, we just have to learn what to do with them. 


By: Captbeefheart

I hope it helps you.  :heart:


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3435222 -

I can totally understand how you feel.  The thought is always in the back of my mind and when I have bad anxiety attacks and panic attacks, it's hard to keep the thought out of my head.

Quote:
im only asking for someone to like being next to me.

i want someone to enjoy my presence, so much, that it could hurt.

and i want to prove to them that i wont hurt them.

but i am never given that chance.


You do have someone.  You have your kids, your loved ones, family, friends.. There are so many people who enjoy your company and would miss you greatly if you weren't around anymore.  You may not see it that way when you are in that state of mind because it's hard to think positive or see the good that is around you at that time.  But it is there.  And you will see it.  You just need to pull yourself out.  Know that you are a good person and you aren't alone.

I'm sorry this is so short because there's so much I'd like to add but there's so much going thru my mind that I'm finding it difficult to express everything I want to say.  Feel free to aim me anytime you need to talk.  My pc is always on and if I'm here, I'll reply.  Just be sure to tell me who you are.  I hope things start looking up for you.  Message me whenever you wish, I insist.  It's a big world and there's so many experiences left to explore.  Keep your head up and know you have many friends here, and around you.

:heart:


--------------------
I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.
-={Nite-Crew}=-

*-_Thread_Jacker_-*
To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind. - Th?ophile Gautier.
Seek not every quality in one individual - Confucius.
Global Living Space

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3436357 -

You're a good guy, Todcasil, and it would be a shame to lose you. I've been suicidal myself in the past, so I know where you're coming from. The pain seems like it's never going to end, and you just can't see any way out, but a wise man once said, "This too shall pass." No matter how bad things seem at the time, they'll always get better eventually. You just have to have patience. This may not be the best advice for you, but I find that whenever I feel depressed or overwhelmed, a nice strong trip usually puts things in perspective for me and helps me see that things aren't as bad as they seem. You'll get through this, man. We're here for you.


--------------------


"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."--Voltaire

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: silversoul7]
    #3436417 -

Time heals all wounds, or at least dulls them a little. This thing with your wife sucks, but it's not worth your life..I've never met you, but can tell you're a good person and i'm willing to bet there are a whole lot of people who would suffer for a long time from losing you. you must have some incredible inner strength, you're raising 2 children for christ's sake. what in this world could take more love, strength and giving of oneself? i'm confident you will pull through. there's been a lot of good advice in this thread already, so i won't clutter it up further..my AIM name is in my profile if you ever want to talk, the last thing you should do is seclude yourself

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3445231 -

ur my buddy  :heart:  I just think you need you vitamins.

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3453510 -

"Desire is the root of all suffering." A buddhist saying I have found to be very true. You mentioned how you want another person to enjoy being around you, give up, not on life, on desire, you can't always you get want you want. It is a very hard thing to do, I am sure no one has ever entirely succeeded. Buddhism has helped me in my hardest times and now I see no way to live without it.

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3453650 -

Todcasil said:
the new year is coming up.


my aim is usmcrebel777
my yahoo is jettajay071584
my msn is JettaJay@hotmail.com

If you need to talk im me or email me !!!!


--------------------
I saw a little green light buzzing around in a tree, and it dawned on me that "they" were here
~~~LouiseLouise


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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3454229 -

You are lonely
because people have left you
and you have left yourself
don't leave your body behind too




Todcasil, in both freaky and empathic ways we care for you. If only you accepted yourself and started loving yourself a little more.

You don't want to really die. You just want the agony to be over with.
Even burning hot showers feel better then the pain inside.

You're suffering.
And on top of that you need to work at your problems.
And that may feel quite hopeless, oh yes.
But you gotta do it.

In some way you do not see you keep your own agony going in your mind. Perhaps you need a pill from a doctor, maybe that's all that is to it.
Perhaps you never accepted and really loved yourself.
And you're lonely, but that just comes on top of it.

To me, the onlooker, it is clear that not your character is flawed, nor are you to blame, but that there is a medical condition going on here. That it's affected organ is the brain and not the kidney makes it all so taboo, but it shouldn't be. You need the company of loving people, but the irony is that people usually can only love you as much as you love yourself. Not their fault, not your fault, it's the way of the world.
And you need to work at yourself, not harshly but affectionately.

No need for harsh judgements or bitter conclusions: you're affected by a medical condition, which needs to be treated. You got to get in affectionate touch with yourself and you gotta find people that make it worth your while. The solution lies within you.
Death may seem an answer, but those left behind keep asking Why.

I'm not guilt-tripping you, i'm not dismissing you, but you need to get well and that likely requires professional help to help you feel the good things again. But: the key lies within you.
You are a diamond. God put you on this earth for the Good, you just lost your way. Don't give up looking for that Good. :heart:


--------------------
Omnicyclion.org
personal empowerment for the world

:nyan: LGBT - Love God Before Tradition :nyan:

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Asante]
    #3461149 -

I'm sorry if this sound like a commercial for medicine.Depression is a real sickness,its not your fault or a sign of weakness.Medication can help some people,but from my experience its only a temporary solution.
I know it sucks and you think about "why fucking bother".
But you have kids, so if nothing else is keeping you alive ,think how your kids are going to feel if daddy kills himself.
If your kids are boys, your gonna have to teach them how to tie a tie,fish,change oil,shave etc...If your kids are girls you'll have to teach them to stay away from boys:).
Keep your chin up man


--------------------
I can't spell and I have poor grammar.The crap I just posted is proof enough.

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3474868 -

Try Lithium Orotate. At least 120mgs three times a day. Should work in about a week or so. Advanced Research is a good one. There are others. Then proceed from there. Personally I also take HBC Protocals SJW and 5htp. Good for anxiety. If you don't have anxiety, DLPA would be good too. But anyway, lithium is good for suicidal thoughts. What you got sounds alot like guilt, but with no foundation. I had something similar after stopping methamphetamine. Good Luck. Later.


tweaker


--------------------
 

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: GoaM]
    #3483152 -

why did you have kids? WHY?

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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: faslimy]
    #3485874 -

I hear ya Tod casil.
I have been contemplating suicide ever since I was old enough to know the word. But I'm still here.?.
I fuck up everything in my life, sometimes everything is just great, riding high. And I manage to fuck that up too, somehow.
And yet, I go on. In my soul, I want to live a really long time and become a wise man. Then, next, I'm thinking of how worthless I am, what a :poop: I am.
I dunno man, in the end, I guess I just immagine what the rest of my life is gonna be like. I don't wanna kill myself, but I feel like such a loser sometimes. I'll keep fighting, persistance pays.
Just identifying, you are not alone...


--------------------
My [url=www.http://tinyurl.com/6valr target=_blank]Unitarian Jihad Name[/url] is: Sister Claymore of The Short Path
Get yours

If I was the sun, I'd look for the shade~Liberty

Baby I love you, and you love me. Let's love each other to eternity~

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