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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
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Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
deciding to kill oneself
    #3427007 - 11/30/04 10:19 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

it is difficult and something i have been dealing with for a very long time, wanting to die.

often i realize that i wish to be struck by a car.

luckily i dont do much walking around the streets anymore, but a few years ago, i was waltzing in the streets without looking in hopes of being hit.

now things are much different. i have children. two of them.

that makes it a lot harder to contemplate such an ordeal. but it has been happening again.

it is true, about the whole "cry for help" thing. people are crying for help! I am crying for help.

but i dont know how to tell people what i need i guess? i guess im afraid to tell people what i want help with? it is humiliating!

ive humbled myself before people before, and it has gotten me laughed at, mocked, indifference.

and the worst is the indifference.

the worst is when i bare my soul, and the person whom i confide in, blinks, says nothing. or casually camly, continues the conversation in a nother direction. or walks away, after silence.

or explains themselves.

why would you explain yourself? im not asking for an explanation of a person, myself or the world.

im only asking for someone to like being next to me.

i want someone to enjoy my presence, so much, that it could hurt.

and i want to prove to them that i wont hurt them.

but i am never given that chance.

and then i get alone, or get upset, or get angry and mad...

i throw things i hit walls, i scream into the air.

i take showers.

it take scalding hot showers, and it feels good... it feels like the water is holding me.

and the heat helps me scream better.

then i turn it cold, so i can feel it some more, because after awhile you just get used to the heat.



and so here i am, again, displaying myself, on the internet no less... and even moreso, very much moreso than i would ever care to tell a person up close.

i speak, and yet no one at this media can help me.

my heart is on my sleeve, with my blood and insides for you all to take a look at.

maybe this is just a nother form of torturing myself?
because i cannot kill myself? or because i enjoy it? im not even sure anymore.

but it does come down to one thing.

i am a full person, yet i am lacking.


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Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3427043 - 11/30/04 10:40 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

Well, even if you are torturing yourself by living, I for one am glad you are unable to kill yourself. What a waste of a good person that would be.

Someday all will be resolved, Todcasil. :hug:


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: adrug]
    #3427054 - 11/30/04 10:44 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

the new year is coming up.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3427058 - 11/30/04 10:48 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

i think i need a mental cleansing. la purga. or Teonan?catl.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
Loc: Crawling on the floor...
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3427064 - 11/30/04 10:49 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

haha, and ive amanitas for one large dose... but im afraid to take them, because i would have to be alone to achive any great insight.

and i just dont want to be alone now, but maybe i should be.  maybe thats my problem.

:heart: U adrug.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


Edited by Todcasil (11/30/04 10:53 AM)


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Invisibleadrug

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 15,800
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3427094 - 11/30/04 11:01 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

We're probably not as alone as we think we are.

AIM me if you need to talk.


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Invisiblebf6
Keep the highfive alive!

Registered: 01/29/04
Posts: 3,121
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3427097 - 11/30/04 11:02 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

If you're this depressed (dont' feel bad we've all been there) then I think the last thing you'd want to do is dose. Think about if the trip went south and you sat there for 6 hours in a catatonic depressed fit of agony.

Try and eat a healthy diet, go get some excercise to. Play with your kids. If you're still with their mom then talk with her, let her know what's going on in your life.

Hang in there though, there are always going to be ups and downs. :sun:


--------------------
The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, they're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away, but if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth...

bloodflower6

Yay for Pornography!


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OfflineGomp
¡(Bound to·(O))be free!
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: bf6]
    #3427219 - 11/30/04 11:44 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

if knew death, would still have done it


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Invisibleshroomydan
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Registered: 07/04/04
Posts: 4,126
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: bf6]
    #3427234 - 11/30/04 11:48 AM (12 years, 12 days ago)

I seriously contemplated suicide about ten years ago. Walked right up to it and them just decided no.

I still get the thought sometimes, a little voice in my head saying "Why don't you just kill yourself?" I have come to recognize that this is not my voice. It is a demon.

It seems to me that you have a similar situation; you have chosen to live, but are still tormented by these thoughts. I'ts simply not an option Toadcasil.

The best way that I have found to escape this torment is to get out of my own head by a self giving act of love toward another person.

Buy a hamberger for a homeless person, and listen to his problems.
Call your mom and ask how shes doing, listen.
Other people can provide a refreshing respite from your own personal torment provided you are willing to let go of it for a little while.

Amanita would be a bad idea right now.

Your in my prayers,
Dan


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Invisiblelooner2
ABBA fan

Registered: 06/20/04
Posts: 3,849
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: shroomydan]
    #3427682 - 11/30/04 02:31 PM (12 years, 12 days ago)

I think you deserve a slap in the face. Suck it up. You have 2 kids, and I don't think I need to explain how horrible it would be for them to lose a father to suicide.

Keep your death wish to yourself, and if you need to, imagine shooting yourself in the head before you go to sleep everynight, but for christ sake, don't be so fucking selfish to your children and think about actually doing it.


--------------------
I am in love with Acidic_Sloth



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OfflineGomp
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: looner2]
    #3427942 - 11/30/04 03:40 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

and what if it is no bether than this? then why the fuck kill ones body?

(keeps me her still atleast) :wink: hehe


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OfflineTodcasil
rogue DMT elf
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Registered: 08/09/99
Posts: 16,381
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Gomp]
    #3428089 - 11/30/04 04:19 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

who knows.

shroomydan, i am tormented. i will try your advice.

note to everyone in this thread: i do not want to die. i feel that i should die. that i should be dying.

no apologies for anything i said... i was just speaking my heart.


--------------------
Men look at themselves and they see flawed humans, we look at women and we see perfect
GODDESSES
Women look at themselves and they seem utterly human, when looking at men they see proud
GODS.


~Casil



:cactus:


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Offlinetheocean06
Yeah, I've donefour already...

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 1,458
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: looner2]
    #3428199 - 11/30/04 04:47 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

Quote:

looner2 said:
I think you deserve a slap in the face. Suck it up. You have 2 kids, and I don't think I need to explain how horrible it would be for them to lose a father to suicide.

Keep your death wish to yourself, and if you need to, imagine shooting yourself in the head before you go to sleep everynight, but for christ sake, don't be so fucking selfish to your children and think about actually doing it.




I try to be let anger take control of me, but you sir are a jackass :nonono:.  That's great man, when someone is feeling down, make them feel worse.  You don't think he hasn't thought about his kids?  Jesus H. Christ, you REALLY don't know how to talk to people.  The thoughts he is having isn't just something you can say "well, I got kids I better not think about it anymore" - wish it were that easy, but it isn't.  You need to get to the root of the problem, get in touch with yourself, thinking about how it will effect other people will not solve the problem.



To Todcasil, I am sorry that I cannot offer you any help that the other fine people in this thread haven't already given.  All I can say is, if you ever want to talk, I am here.  People call me a great listener...


--------------------


The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.            - Hendrix :bow:


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OfflineFlameBait9000
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Registered: 11/30/04
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3428284 - 11/30/04 05:04 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

You shouldn't kill yourself that would be bad, especially if you have children. You should try inventing something or grow some pot. It is rewarding. Also ride your bicycle.


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Invisiblelooner2
ABBA fan

Registered: 06/20/04
Posts: 3,849
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: theocean06]
    #3428350 - 11/30/04 05:23 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)


I try to be let anger take control of me, but you sir are a jackass . That's great man, when someone is feeling down, make them feel worse. You don't think he hasn't thought about his kids? Jesus H. Christ, you REALLY don't know how to talk to people. The thoughts he is having isn't just something you can say "well, I got kids I better not think about it anymore" - wish it were that easy, but it isn't. You need to get to the root of the problem, get in touch with yourself, thinking about how it will effect other people will not solve the problem.


"Feeling down".... ? Is that what you got from him. He claims to be suicidal his whole life and is now thinking about it again. He has children, and the devastation because of suicide to his children, both financially and emotionally is beyond selfish. Forget him, think about his kids. Read his post afterwards... its clear he is losing touch with reality. Sometimes its best to be succinct and harsh when it comes to certain situations. Maybe you can avoid a tragedy.

But hey, I'm sure your "get in touch with yourself" advice is much better. Nevermind the fact that said he wanted to kill "himself" his entire life.


--------------------
I am in love with Acidic_Sloth



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Offlinetheocean06
Yeah, I've donefour already...

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 1,458
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: looner2]
    #3428370 - 11/30/04 05:28 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

Every time I have come to this forum and see your posts, they are always "Sometimes its best to be succinct and harsh when it comes to certain situations" so in your case it is ALWAYS instead of SOMETIMES. I'm sorry, but your posts come across as almost insulting. Being harsh may help some, but for others it will do nothing, might even make the situation worse. I do not believe that thinking about how others will feel is going to help him, he has to think about himself, and that is not a selfish approach. And no, I didn't just get a "feeling down" attitude from his post, I just described it that way because I was trying to get a point across - if someone is contemplating suicide, you don't talk to them like crap. If you want to continue this then PM me (unless of course you have something directly related to this thread) for I do not want to derail this thread, as it is starting to...


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The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye.            - Hendrix :bow:


Edited by theocean06 (11/30/04 05:33 PM)


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OfflineBaby_Hitler
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3428590 - 11/30/04 06:05 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

Quote:

im only asking for someone to like being next to me.

i want someone to enjoy my presence, so much, that it could hurt.

and i want to prove to them that i wont hurt them.

but i am never given that chance.







Didn't you just say you have 2 kids?


--------------------


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OfflineGomp
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: theocean06]
    #3428605 - 11/30/04 06:07 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

wanting to die, and killing oneself, is not the same?


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OfflineDivided_Sky
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Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Gomp]
    #3428779 - 11/30/04 06:29 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

Suicide wastes life and accomplishes nothing. Life is a continium, it never ends, and unless you deal with problems in this lifetime they will be back worse in the next time around. Death comes soon enough, and you may be surprised, when the moment comes it may be nothing like you thought it would be, and perhaps it might not be so easy after all.

You need to get your head together and realize you have business to do in this world. Whether you want to die, or think you should, you are ignoring your responsibilities to others and yourself. You may never have a life like this again. It would be a terrible thing to let it go to waste.

I'm very sad you feel this way.


--------------------
1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."


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Invisiblequestion_for_joo
i'm left. youall can bite me
Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 1,591
Re: deciding to kill oneself [Re: Todcasil]
    #3428900 - 11/30/04 06:54 PM (12 years, 11 days ago)

at least someone made you a fuckin christmas hat avatar. noone made me one. and you got a dozen responses. i guess you are one of the cool people on the shroomery.
so you got that going for you, right?


--------------------
youi was a pig informatnt so you can go fuckyoruselfs


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