Trip Log January 19th 2025
45 grams fresh Psilocybe Ochraceocentrata
Woah.
High dose fresh trips are so different than the dry ones.
So many things
Been reading John Lash's 'Not in his Image' and rather focused in that Idea space- having come to a similar conclusion independently- but
the intention was
"mother you know my heart, i wish to learn to use this space for healing/liberation/evoluion etc-
mushrooms- take me to the mother
Lash talks about the mushrooms being emissaries...
he also mentions 'wisdom only loves a warrior' or 'sophia only loves a warrior -
Definitely got that impression-
Was able to see first hand how my choices lately have been anything but- screen face, porn- it may seem like 'no bodies looking' - but all of those moments are written into our being- and even if I ignore them, I still know-and it affects sense of self- and Sophia knows as well- Or, - given that I didn't meet her directly last night, the generality holds true just as well-
'higher' spirits have no reason to commune with anyone who is anything less than impeccable
immaculate
Continuing on that thread- the 'pancakes for breakfast'- day of trip
terrible, awful, no good decision
but, in general - the same holds true-
really, honestly, just staying away from any and all sugar - especially flour
the body load I had was in-tense- primarily for the first few hours -
manifesting as just an all around 'my body is heavy and it hurts'- low grade inflammation I'd say , lay on the couch for a while - which is something which rarely happens during my trips as I'm normally very active-
also, perhaps more to the point, the sensation of being constipated was awful- I fought that pretty much for the entire trip- tried pooping I don't know how many times - Went out side once to smoke a cigarette to see if that would help- not muc.
Ended up purging around 10:30- no stopping it really- threw up a little bit in my mouth when attemting to eat an orange a bit earlier-
The most interesting distinction between the fresh and the dried was the clarity- suppppppppppper clear/mellow on the comeup- VERY organic DMT feel- but, more than that, the confusion that normally shows up on high-dose comeups was completely absent- To clarify, there was some confusion throughout up to purging, but that was exclusively related to the bodyload and trying to figure out how to deal with the unpleasantness- the 'mental' confusion of the ego-loss process was just not there at all- I was basically, completely sober mentally- which I've never experienced before in any of my high dose trips- Yeah, moments of incredible clarity develop- but to basically stay 'here' with the ego- very interesting.
Though, that's not exactly it entirely-
Everyone always talks about Ego-Death like it's a goal or the only option-
I experienced what best could be described as an 'ego-birth'-
I was able to connect with 'my self' in a way .... - alot of talk out there about the 'higher self'- so maybe start there and expand on that -
Was reading a post by another member here talking about a 'shamanistic self'- I resonate with that- I've had trips before where I've encountered this- 'he' being an idealized version of 'me'- Idealized doesn't quite capture the idea though; There's two aspects of this- one the immediate, felt experience, a sense of 'a mature, confident' form of me- and then a potential 'me' that is a shape I know exists in there, that just needs to be carved out- like I can see the finished form in a block of marble-
The 'ego birth' that I talk about-,( it's not the right word exactly as 'birth' implies a complete beginning and this is more a transmutation- but the image is cool so I'm sticking with it) , is a recognizing/accepting of the reality of that potential- and who I must be in the now in order to realize that potential-
The Crystal-Kung-Fu-Jedi-Saiyan-Alchemist-Yogi is a refined, immaculate being-
the intermediate self- the first step on the path of realizing that, must be
Mature
Serious
Committed
Discplined
A Warrior-Monk in short-
Which is something I've truly identified with for years, but the fear of ... I don't know exactly, fear of this all being a dream? Fear of success? Plain Lethargy and a mind hooked on quick dopamine fixes - porn and cigarettes and binge watching tv shows and taking the easy road?
Basically, last night was a shedding of the consumerist-trash-self in favor of a more enlightened version of me- Rather effortless- (although that's disregarding all of the effort put into this up until now) -
effortless isn't the right word....
traumaless?
a right timing?
A chick cracks through the shell when it's ready
A birth happens when it's the right time
A butterfly emerges from it's chrysalis-
There may be some resistance- some pressure- but the process pretty much happens on it's own-
I've been dancing around this point for years-
Quote:
"like a moth - to a flame- afraid to commit to the roaring blaze
I dance away
always to return
it's in a circle that I play
It's the fire in my eyes- it's inexplicable hold on me
that one day will force me into the source of light that I've been orbiting
to the inferno I pray!
incinerate me with your blaze
I wanna feel your presence burn away
every atom of me
till I'm nothing but the smoke that's rising
from the ashes of a body burning
not a shred left to identify
everything that I thought I was in this life was nothing but lies
tip-toeing around the inevitability, too afraid to commit totally to the path- but yesterday showed me just how dull,
how lightless
how loveless
the alternative is-
Really? I'm going to spend an hour vegged out, zombified in front of some mindless television show?
I could be actively engaging this body and mind doing literally anything else- honing the will-
forging the warrior
Being creative- meditating- anything.
basically, it boils down to the enjoyment that is possible, buried in those moments of total-engagement with the self + it's surrounding is infinitely more than that which can be delivered to us- spoon fed.
Swinging back to the meeting of the self; I had some nice mirror time during the purge- Watching the face of the magus morphing into that of a tibetan 'demon faced' diety- more of the 'I'll make my own face more terrifying than yours to scare you away' - images of kung fu dragons coming to mind-
It was really pleasant 'meeting' myself in that way with acceptance and intense enjoyment- pure contented pleasure- Listening to Tool / 10,000 days, fear inoculum while really getting into the hyper focused muscular engagement
The plant-magic/alchemy aspect REALLY showed up last night.
I'm an herbalist- been studying plant medicine for awhile, have a small online store and offer consultations from time to time- (as an aside here, it's definitely my biggest pet peeve when people use 'plant medicine' to refer exclusively to psychdelics- it's like, you realize that's a tiny, TINY fraction of the plants that are out there right? and they're all psychedelic to a certain extent- just not as loud as the other ones are- just need to learn how to listen)
Rosemary is my closest ally- and friend--
and the energy of this plant is warrior- Mars -
'Activating - dispersing- 'hot and dry' - 'clarifying' - 'cleansing'
Really felt that energetic download last night- 'space to breathe' is crucial for proper energy flow- and 'gummed up mucusy-moistness' is an impediment to that majorly - both interiorly, in the body- and exteriorly- 'cluttered up with stuff'
Interiorly- the excess consumption of 'sweet'
Which goes to the point of 'Bitter' is a flavor that must be embraced more-
On that note- Chamomile entered the picture last night- one on the periphery of my orbit normally as I have in the past preferred the sweet/appley taste of the fresh stuff- but the light-bitterness of the dried flower was great-
P erhaps another way to look at the 'ego-birth' experience mentioned above is simply maturation- on some level, I've fought 'growing up' ever since I was a kid- looking at the role models we have available- my parents at least- and seeing two rather miserable human beings both working jobs they don't enjoy just inorder to provide for their family and live as comfortable existence as possible . No shame on them- they're doing the best they can with what they know- But I always rejected this as the only option-
I'm 34- I'm healthy- and in great physical shape comparatively- - but I've never really embraced 'being a Man' 'masculinity as an energy' - or maybe better 'Adultness' as fully as yesterday- It was like 'Oh, I see this- and I really, really like it'
The intelligent, playful- totally-engaged application of will channeled through the body -
"So this is what it's supposed to feel like'
The primary difference between the high dose fresh and the regular high dose work I've done recently is that the latter is way more.... 'quantum' - if that makes sense- 'Reality Melting' - Merging with the environment around - melding with 'Mind' in a non-local way- While the former was super rooted in body/self-
I don't know if one is necessarily 'better' than the other- I was going into this trip with the expectation of dropping into that quantum-non-local/hyperdimensional state I've been experiencing lately- and having an entirely different experience was a bit jarring, as I was fully expecting at least a similar flavor of the last 5g dried Och trip- but that was not the case at all here, even though, assumedly, the dosage was more/less equivalent ~50 grams wet vs 5 grams dried.
'Different tools for different tasks' is how I'm interepreting it
The fresh is certainly easier to work with- despite the challenging bodyload and comeup- though I'm attributing that more to the poor dietary choices immediately previous to this journey. I normally fast for most of the day- if not all of it- on high dose trips, and I didn't do that this time- Though I'm fairly certain that 'fasting' at this point isn't actually necessary- just staying away from stuff like pancakes for breakfast.
DEFINITELY going to be exploring this avenue more; The coherency/clarity that comes from fresh v dried makes it an awesome tool for deep work.
Absolute gratitude to Psilocybe Ochraceocentrata and all of you wonderful folk out there who shared the spores and growing knowledge!
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The meaning of Life is simple once you remove your anthropic lens
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