JustAnotherFreak said:

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: Why JaFy? I thought our love was strong...

SonicTitan said:

Northern lights are truly amazing.  It's so eerie. When I first saw them the first thing that came to mind was Creepy Green Light by Type O Negative.

I will take a picture of the bay tomorrow morning, its stunning this time of year. It's still frozen over but the way the water rests in the ice makes it look so pretty.
Last year when it started to thaw a bunch of giant pieces of ice drifted back into the bay and when the tide was out you could walk on the sandbar going through this maze of 8+ foot tall chunks of ice scattered in the bay.

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Yeah man I was going to say you can't say all that and not show us some pics.

I look forward to them

CookieCrumbs said:

I've been on a variety of psych meds over the years, many of which seriously fucked with my head, and buspar is the only one that seriously made me want to kill myself.


I always thought maybe those "may cause suicidal thoughts" warnings were an exaggeration but I seriously had to fight myself to put the knife down and avoid sharp objects until that bullshit got out of my system and my brain recalibrated.


Alot of other people have not said good things about it. Which I read before taking it. So maybe it was a placebo type thing but also maybe the drug just tends to mess with some sketchy brain chemistry. Don't know but I'm sure as fuck staying away from it.

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Every type of SSRI in my attempts made me want to kill myself with an increase of my motivation do so as dose went up

HRT on the other hand killed my thoughts of suicide more powerfully than ever expected
had my first thoughts of Suicide since like November last night
and they were all far away and stuff rather than immediate
and actually included me theoretically planning out weening back off the HRT so that my depression would spike again and take me out



made the mistake of wandering over to the "dark side" of Twitter
transphobes going nuts like crazy because Rowling tweeted transphobic shit denying the existence of trans men and the validity of trans women
and Rowling's callout has less than 100 000 likes on it, while Emma Watson simply saying "Trans people are who they say they are and deserve to live their lives without being constantly questioned or told they aren’t who they say they are." almost a week later is already nearing a million likes

but the transphobic sentiments out of people are at some of the most caustic to my witnessing in online spaces
transphobic shit always ends up coming across as dumb and hateful, but some of that shit took the cake
looking to string up trans men as traitors who deny womanhood because they have periods but don't recognize that menstruation is apparently what makes women women
claiming trans suicide stats are good and should increase because transwomen killing themselves are men who gave up and more men need to kill themselves
claiming if they don't misgender trans people constantly and to anyone who will listen, that what it means to be a woman will be destroyed
claiming people like Kim Petras "think they are women" because they are permanently psychologically scarred from childhood transition when they were too stupid to know who they really were

and perhaps most absurdly, claiming active menstruation is essential to the definition of what it means to be a woman
then floundering for a new explanation upon hearing the word "menopause"
as tho they were somehow unaware that in another 40-50 years the lot of them are going to have a rather different defined experience of what womanhood means
and it won't be about freebleeding and the cosmic magic of bringing a child into the world (which they shout with joy that men cannot do, but also deny any culpibility of men in the conception of the child)
and the alienation they pushed for now will come back on them



honestly none of that hit me too hard
and ended up seeing Jessicka from Jack Off Jill make a wonderful tweet in support of BLM, Trans Rights, and general health and unity
so commented on it and she replied almost instantly

and I just burst into tears because I remember writing stories during high school of my life if the only thing that changed was being recognized as a girl
and how Jessicka's distressed screams and offer to be the "Patron Saint of Self Injury"
saved me from killing myself in the bathroom when the choice was between a razorblade from the autoshop and my struggling discman
but in the story, I got to come out of the experience still being recognized for who I was

bleh

anyway, actually held on to pretty good vibes for a while after that
but then went and watched some Kim Petras music videos because that typically lifts my spirits even further
but just totally broke down because she is clearly so happy and free with her self presentation and what she wears and how she moves
and I'm sitting back here, older than her, much later transition with masculinized body traits, and so far from the possibility of bottom surgery at the moment
that the blessing of the help from HRT has been the most positive thing I could hope for
and with a long hard push I can get close to where I would like
but I can never get what she had because so much knowledge was locked away from me in my youth
and, simply put, my envy went through the roof
because it used to always, to me, be the heavy realization that not being born with female characteristics was what stopped me from being able to live the life I wanted through my teens and 20s
but now have a frame of reference with regards to a trans woman who does get to do just that, who gets to live that life I missed out on
and I hate myself for not somehow decoding and learning about myself more quickly as to be able to live those experiences
but I do also respect that her life has not been automatically easy either; she has faced trans discrimination in much more serious and expansive levels than myself
with transphobic homophobic protestors showing up to protest her concerts and shit

annnnnndddddd that was when I laid down and started fighting the thoughts of detransitioning to get back to a suicidal head space
then fell asleep for a good 12 hours

feel better now, and one of my subs was "there" on discord for me to type all this up to before my leaving last night
and had provided meaningful comfort for me to wake up to

I hope all you beautiful Shroomy people are having a great day/night and living your very best lives



Chance is laying by my feet all anxious to go for a walk
but simply have not woken up early enough and dosed heavy enough
to get him up the road before the sun starts to sink past the horizon

and the coyotes get more emboldened in the evening, and he's still under a foot tall himself

pirate-blues said:

Ah fuck, dude. I need to pay someone to shock me with a cattle prod every time I go off task.


back to work.

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CookieCrumbs said:

Man that is some heavy shit. See I'm like why do you read that shit? But then I realized you probably don't have other communities that really get that sort of thing.

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CookieCrumbs said:

Artificial hormones made me a murderous lunatic. Glad to have crossed that off my list of things I need.


Part of the reason I do NOT like being on medication is the fear that I might suddenly get cut off at the worst time. So I get the fear.

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SonicTitan said:

Yup but I haven't seen one yet. They're around tho and generally dont venture too close to town.

They are all over the territory. You can go out to the flo edge in the winter and come across them and always a ton of seals lol

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psi said:

To be fair, deer actually do kill people fairly frequently.

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