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Love and monogamy * 1
    #26057324 -

So I've been single for a few years now until recently: I met this awesome girl through Tinder and we vibe very well and have a lot in common and we're both into new experiences. I really like her despite only dating for a couple months.

But just today I was talking with this other very cute woman, battling the notion of asking her for her number. It's not the  first time and it won't be the last, I've been having this sort of thought for a while now, thinking and fantasizing about other women, and I think it's normal up to a certain point, at least since it's the first time in years I've actually had to be monogamous so I'm expecting my getting used to this to take a while.

I personally don't think that monogamy is a prerequisite for love, but I'm in a monogamous relationship at the moment. That being said, when this thing started my girl thought it would be a non-monogamous thing and I said I was kinda tired of casual flings and wanted something serious. Now I'm temped to change that, but it's not a decision to be made lightly.

Is there a point where it get easier? This sort of thoughts weren't this common in my previous relationships, but those didn't last that long, I wasn't really around other attractive women and I hadn't been in an open relationship before those. How have your experiences been with this sort of thing? If you do have this sort of feelings, what do you do about them? Are you (consensually) non-monogamous? Why or why not?

Mods: If this is better suited for the Sexuality and Relationships sub, go ahead and move it, but I'm posting it here to gather more points of view and because I'm looking for more conversation than relationship advice.


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             :crazykitty:

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09] * 2
    #26057342 -

I've been in a position where I've wanted more than one woman at a time, like not just sexually I mean.. tough thing to deal with honestly. I have enough problems trying to keep just one woman happy. I wouldn't want to try and have anything remotely serious with two women or more.

I've also got serious jealousy issues and if you're with me, being monogamous is a must. There's a lot of shit I will take in a relationship but messing around with someone else is a big fuck no. Would be hypocritical of me to expect them to be monogamous while I'm not.


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With my face against the floor I can’t see who knocked me out of the way.
I don’t want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today.
Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, I’m too busy being calm to disappear.
I’m in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear.


You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09] * 1
    #26057351 -

You're being a fence sitter. Make up your mind or leave a trail of bitter vagine. You just need to know what you want and then pursue it. If you want to try a non-monogamous relationship then do that but be sure to weigh whether any current relationship are worth that gamble. Life is too short to be unsure of what we want, and that OP reads like someone battling idealism vs reality. You see the benefits in being single but see the benefits in monogamy. In most situations you can't have both, that is unless you're willing to be honest with yourself and your partner.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Shroomslip]
    #26057352 -

I'm married and I don't really want any other girls. Of course I find some of them hot and some are really cool, but I never get a feeling that I should be getting their phone numbers or trying to have an open relationship. Even when we first started dating I was more than happy with just her. I wouldn't want her to meet some guy and then ask for an open relationship so I wouldn't do that to her either.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Lophosaurus] * 1
    #26057375 -

Don't play yourself. You open a relationship & they will both be fucking other guys and you'll be single again.


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:mushroom2::mushroom2::mushroom2:
"When the AC is running full blast & it's still fucking hot - it's time to shut the window"
- nobody

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Lophosaurus] * 1
    #26057377 -

My wife and I just snatch up a girl for a threesome occasionally and that works for us. Maybe try that if your girl is bisexual.


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Only hope can give rise to the emotion we call despair. But it is nearly impossible for a man to try to live without hope, so I guess that leaves Man no choice but to walk around with despair as his companion.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09] * 2
    #26057384 -

As you said OP it's not a decision to made lightly, and you should give a heads up to the women you're involved with, especially since you steered that relationship in a monogamous direction. JMO.


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"The Rolling Stones will break up over Brian Jones' dead body"    John Lennon

I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either.

Simulacrum
The truth which conceals that there is none

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09] * 1
    #26057437 -

If one has set out into a monogamous relationship (it sounds like you've discussed it being so) then I don't think it's fair to attempt to modify the boundaries that have been set only when you've met someone else that captures your attention.

I think it should be done the other way round - if you decide, down the road, that you would like to pursue ethical non-monogamy - then you should discuss it with your current partner, establish agreed and healthy boundaries over time, and only THEN seek out another partner.

If you allow yourself to change it on a sudden whim because you've met someone new I don't think you're being fair to anyone involved.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26057466 -



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NotSheekle said
“if I believed she was 16 I would become unattracted to her”

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: koods] * 1
    #26057550 -

Awesome vid! I agree 100%.

OP: me and my now husband talked about monogamy and open relationships before we got married. Turns out he has the same views as I do about being completely monogamous, it's unrealistic for both of us completely. BUT, we did decide that if we wanted to do this we would not seek it out, it just has to happen by chance, and all parties whether it is 3 or 4 of us have to agree and get along on a certain level, plus not anyone in town, it has to be in another state or country,lol. That is another reason why I married this person. He was at east willing to discuss these things. EVERY single person I have been involved with before (man or woman) would completely wig out and start fuming over the idea of even talking about it. Funny thing, I have no real desire to actually do it now because I don't want to fuck up this awesome relationship.:shrug:


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Edited by tyrannicalrex (06/17/19 12:49 PM)

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 3
    #26057573 -

Watch the movie "High Fidelity" with John Cusack.

Firstly, it's a good film. Secondly, it's the reason why my marriage is still together. Essentially, you have to reach a point where you either shit, or get off the toilet. No relationship can last if you haven't committed wholly to that person, regardless of how hot other people are, regardless of your chemistry with them, regardless of what happens.


Will my marriage stand the test of time? Maybe. Maybe not. But it won't be me who ends it. It'll either be her, or both of us making that decision together. I made my decision.


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"Its moving of its own accord...and I like that in a shirt!" - Me, tripping.

deCypher said:
Schizophrenia beats dining alone, you know.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Ima Trooper]
    #26057592 -

Hmm, don't know how this saved your marriage, but I liked the movie from what I can remember.

FULL SYNOPSIS
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After Rob Gordon's girl friend Laura announces her decision to move out of his Chicago apartment, he muses about the danger of years of listening to maudlin pop songs about heartbreak and rejection. After Laura leaves, rejecting Rob's pleas for her to stay, he recounts his all-time top five most memorable break-ups: Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick, Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson and Sarah Kendrew. At fourteen, Rob dated Alison for three days, after which she left him in favor of Kevin Bannister. Reflecting that every subsequent relationship has mirrored that one, Rob recalls Penny, the sweet sixteen-year-old who would not allow him to touch her breasts, but who, after he broke up with her, slept with the next boy she dated. In the present, Rob walks to Championship Vinyl, the record store he owns in an unfashionable part of the city.

Like Rob, his employees, the awkward, nervous Dick and crude Barry, are fanatic music aficionados. Although Dick and Barry denounce any customer they deem inferior in musical tastes, Rob cannot fire them because they often work for free. He retreats to his office, where he remembers Charlie: In college, Rob meets the beautiful, dramatic Charlie and falls deeply in love. They date for two years, during which he adopts her punk style but feels insecure about his attractiveness, hipness and lovemaking abilities. His constant jealousy is substantiated when she leaves him for the sophisticated Marco. Coming out of his reverie, Rob muses that he has never recovered from this breakup. He then soundly berates Barry for chastising a customer, after which he reveals that Laura has left him. At home, Rob considers his relationship with Sarah, which was originally based on a mutual fear of being rejected, but ended when she left him for another man. Dick invites Rob to a local bar, but after Rob explains that he is organizing his record collection by autobiographical events, Dick, impressed, tries to help. Rob kicks him out, then fields a phone call from his mother, who breaks down in tears over the news that Laura has left.

Frustrated, Rob joins Dick and Barry at the bar, where they rhapsodize over soulful singer/songwriter Marie De Salle, whom they later invite to the store. The next day, Rob stays home, knowing Laura is coming to pick up some boxes, and demands that she explain why she left him. She states that, although she has grown and changed over the past few years, he has remained steadfastly the same. Rob goes to the store, and after Laura's friend Liz calls and mentions that Laura is seeing a man named Ian, even Marie's surprise visit cannot distract Rob from neurotically wondering who Ian is. At home, he remembers that an Ian Raymond used to live upstairs from them, and that night, he stays awake torturing himself with images of Ian and Laura making love. At work the next day, Liz storms in and curses at Rob, prompting him to reminisce about the ease of the beginning of his relationship with Laura, whom he met while disc jockeying at a club. Rob now guesses that Laura has told Liz that Rob cheated on her while she was pregnant, thus provoking her to get an abortion, then borrowed $4,000 he could not pay back, after which he declared he was unhappy and "looking around for someone else."

As he rides the subway, however, Rob defends each of these actions, explaining that he did not know about the pregnancy or abortion, she offered the loan, and that she proclaimed her dissatisfaction with the relationship first. At home, hoping to find answers to why he is always rejected, Rob calls Alison's mother. After learning that Alison married Kevin, Rob enthuses that he was rejected only because of a love that was destined to last. Inspired, he makes a date with Penny, who discloses that she was devastated when he broke up with her, and slept with the next boy out of confusion, resulting in a fear of sex that lasted for years. She runs off in tears, leaving Rob cheered by the thought that he abandoned her and not vice-versa. He then visits Sarah, whose intense depression stirs him to congratulate himself for not adding to her misery. Soon after, Laura visits Rob, and, although insisting there is little chance of reconciliation, delights him by revealing she has not yet slept with Ian. In celebration, that night he sleeps with Marie, whom he attracts by pretending to be sensitive, and about whom he forgets the next morning as soon as he leaves her apartment. He begs Laura to meet him, but after she admits that she has now slept with Ian, he spends the evening repeatedly calling her from a pay phone.

The next day, Rob is pleased to receive an invitation to a dinner party from Charlie, but then is visited by Ian, an unctuous hippie who proposes "conflict-resolution." Although Rob fantasizes about violently attacking Ian, he does nothing. At Charlie's party, Rob realizes that she is pretentious and condescending, and feels only slightly hurt when she tells him that she preferred the "sunnier" Marco. Days later, as Barry plans to rehearse with his new band and Dick meets his new girl friend, Anaugh Moss, Rob goes home alone. There, he finds Laura, and after she leaves he lists the top five things about her that he misses, including her sense of humor and cute mannerisms. Later, Rob hears a piece of music he admires, and upon learning it was written by shoplifting skateboarders Vince and Justin, impulsively offers to produce their record on his label, which he names Top Five Records.

He calls Laura, but she tearfully informs him that her father has died. Rob attends the funeral, but after Laura's sister Jo and Liz insult him, he finds Laura and tells her that he is sorry, then leaves in the rain. He is sitting at the bus stop when Laura drives up and asks him to make love to her. Afterward, she tells him she is too tired not to be with him, and they go home together. For weeks, they enjoy a romantic reunion, but Rob soon meets pretty rock journalist Caroline Fortis and finds himself creating a compilation tape for her, a sure sign of his romantic interest. One day, he sees a poster Laura has put up advertising that he will D. J. at the release party for Vince and Justin's band, and that Barry's band, inauspiciously named Sonic Death Monkey, will play.

Appreciating her faith in him, and finally realizing that he cannot just jump from relationship to relationship, Rob proposes to Laura, who laughs at him but is pleased that he is maturing. At the release party, Rob is a hit, and Barry shocks everyone by singing Marvin Gaye songs with great skill. While Vince and Justin steal CDs, Rob considers the compilation tape he will make for Laura, filled with all the songs that she likes, for once reflecting her tastes rather than his own.


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 1
    #26057623 -

You poly people (no I'm not talking about polynesians) had a few decades to test out your theory. All the data suggests that while not all monogamy works that even less poly stuff works. I'm oversimplifying it but it is true. (Some) poly people treat things like a business where they occasionally fire someone to let a new person in. Gross.


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Only hope can give rise to the emotion we call despair. But it is nearly impossible for a man to try to live without hope, so I guess that leaves Man no choice but to walk around with despair as his companion.

Edited by ichugwindex (06/17/19 02:21 PM)

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ichugwindex]
    #26057719 -

Meh, I don't have the energy these days to play with more than one person anyway, lol.(I don't think I do) The thought pops up less and less as I grow older, but I/we don't rule out playing with another couple or another person, we just don't seek it out. I/we/he has not been with anyone since we met and got married. It's not a pressing issue nor is it prevalent in our daily/weekly/monthly/yearly lives. It just doesn't pop up. Recently a married couple friends of ours is having trouble with another couple because they have fooled around with them and now it's blowing up. The people they chose to fool around with are user types though, but one of them insisted they were "cool" and they really thought they were sweet and loved them etc...we could see that they were fucking asshole users and losers though, but what do you say without hurting the closer best friends? We let it play out and it finally did.


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex]
    #26057727 -

Tyrex your situation seems cool AF I more hve problems with people who step right on in to a monogamous situation going "lol I'm poly doesn apply to me" and ruin 2 or more peoples lives


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Only hope can give rise to the emotion we call despair. But it is nearly impossible for a man to try to live without hope, so I guess that leaves Man no choice but to walk around with despair as his companion.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex]
    #26057728 -

My husband and I are open,  meaning I fuck around as my sex drive is about 25x his due to age differences. 

It's been like that ever since we had broken up but still lived together for a period of time then got back together. 

It isn't really a positive thing but I have physical needs and it is what it is.  We still have a decent sex life but it kind of sucks having to engage and get him going 100% of the time.  It's refreshing to be with someone that is excited to fuck.


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 3
    #26057794 -

Maybe "saved my marriage" is a bit strong, I'd say it cemented my decision to be with her forever.

I identified with John Cusack's character in the film a lot, always looking at the grass on the other side of the fence. His realization that he keeps fucking up what could be a good thing to keep chasing a fantasy that doesn't exist is what made me realize that I did the same thing.

Prior to getting married, my longest relationship was 6 months. My wife and I are about to celebrate 6 years next month.


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"Its moving of its own accord...and I like that in a shirt!" - Me, tripping.

deCypher said:
Schizophrenia beats dining alone, you know.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Ima Trooper] * 1
    #26057905 -

Hell yeah! I sort of did the same thing, but all my others were not compatible completely, plus me making choices that were not good etc...celebrate 2 years in September here.:heart:


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ichugwindex]
    #26058145 -

ichugwindex said:
My wife and I just snatch up a girl for a threesome occasionally and that works for us. Maybe try that if your girl is bisexual.


My wife seems increasingly up for this. She feels like she missed out on being with other women in life somewhat and I do too.

We partied with her best friend at our place Friday night. Just kind of flirty and low key. Things have got more racy and/or unclothed on other occasions.

But then my wife unexpectedly had to leave for the rest of the night and it was just me and her friend. She was already dressed for bed and was wearing a shirt that was quite see through. Had started watching Game Of Thrones when my wife was still there and we kept watching that and talking for an hour or two. Still pretty flirty like before but not escalating. Nor would I want it to with my wife not there as she has said she would not be cool with that and I don't need secrets to stress over. But interestingly my wife never asked me anything about how the rest of the evening went.

And then Sunday night my wife woke up from a sex dream about her friend and then wanted to fool around with me. So that was cool.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: psi] * 1
    #26058552 -

You get it psi. Extra company is something you will get to share together soon hopefully. I'm rooting for you dude.


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Only hope can give rise to the emotion we call despair. But it is nearly impossible for a man to try to live without hope, so I guess that leaves Man no choice but to walk around with despair as his companion.

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