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Shop: Original Sensible Seeds Feminized Cannabis Seeds   Unfolding Nature Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ichugwindex]
    #26059547 -

Yeah I am in no hurry or anything but there is a definite change in energy from my wife around this and it's exciting. But I could see it transforming into some sort of Mormon sister wives type scenario with twice the nagging, lol. There was some talk before about her moving into the downstairs apartment with her kids. Though it was rented since then.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: psi]
    #26069307 -

ichugwindex said:
My wife and I just snatch up a girl for a threesome occasionally and that works for us. Maybe try that if your girl is bisexual.


That doesn't sound too bad, you also pick up guys for a threesome? My partner suggested that, and I'm down, but I don't know how I'd keep that hetero.

Jokeshopbeard said:
I think it should be done the other way round - if you decide, down the road, that you would like to pursue ethical non-monogamy - then you should discuss it with your current partner, establish agreed and healthy boundaries over time, and only THEN seek out another partner.

If you allow yourself to change it on a sudden whim because you've met someone new I don't think you're being fair to anyone involved.


You're right, that's what's ideal and what I was looking for for a long time, but it's never really worked out (who would have thought that a conservative, mostly anti-gay town would be anti non-monogamy as well?). It's why I decided to give monogamy a try and I'm sure this type of thought process will start wearing down with time, since I'm not really used to being in this type of relationship. I'm sure a recent corticosteroid treatment colored my perception somewhat. A hell of a drug.

tyrannicalrex said:
OP: me and my now husband talked about monogamy and open relationships before we got married. Turns out he has the same views as I do about being completely monogamous, it's unrealistic for both of us completely. BUT, we did decide that if we wanted to do this we would not seek it out, it just has to happen by chance, and all parties whether it is 3 or 4 of us have to agree and get along on a certain level, plus not anyone in town, it has to be in another state or country,lol. That is another reason why I married this person. He was at east willing to discuss these things. EVERY single person I have been involved with before (man or woman) would completely wig out and start fuming over the idea of even talking about it. Funny thing, I have no real desire to actually do it now because I don't want to fuck up this awesome relationship.:shrug:


It's what I like about my current partner too, she's very open minded and we can talk about this sort of thing. Thinking back to when I made the OP, they were pretty impulsive thoughts I'm glad I didn't follow through on.


ichugwindex said:
You poly people (no I'm not talking about polynesians) had a few decades to test out your theory. All the data suggests that while not all monogamy works that even less poly stuff works. I'm oversimplifying it but it is true. (Some) poly people treat things like a business where they occasionally fire someone to let a new person in. Gross.


You monogamous people have had a few millenia and still have a 50% divorce rate. Maybe if it's given more time or accepted more broadly it'll have more success. Currently the testing ground is biased towards failure for non-monogamy. (Some) monogamous people use people for gratification going from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship or outright lying about being in love to get laid. Gross.

You come off as condescending my dude. I understand why you're against it, but your line of reasoning seems overly dismissive and reminds me of the people who think of anyone who uses any drugs recreationally as a worthless druggy. Non-monogamy is a ethical or non-ethical as you approach it with, like some women use the label of feminism to push an anti-male agenda, some abusive people will use the label of poly to try and justify or get away with their actions.

Ima Trooper said:
Watch the movie "High Fidelity" with John Cusack.

Firstly, it's a good film. Secondly, it's the reason why my marriage is still together. Essentially, you have to reach a point where you either shit, or get off the toilet. No relationship can last if you haven't committed wholly to that person, regardless of how hot other people are, regardless of your chemistry with them, regardless of what happens.


Will my marriage stand the test of time? Maybe. Maybe not. But it won't be me who ends it. It'll either be her, or both of us making that decision together. I made my decision.


I'll give it a watch. Normally I don't have a problem committing to someone since I'm very picky, but this time feels different. Or it did and now I'm getting back into the groove. I was hoping to get a bit of a deeper understanding by getting some feedback, which I am, and I'm grateful for.

ReposadoXochipilli said:
My husband and I are open,  meaning I fuck around as my sex drive is about 25x his due to age differences. 

It's been like that ever since we had broken up but still lived together for a period of time then got back together. 

It isn't really a positive thing but I have physical needs and it is what it is.  We still have a decent sex life but it kind of sucks having to engage and get him going 100% of the time.  It's refreshing to be with someone that is excited to fuck.


I'm glad you were able to figure something that works for both of you, since I've always been very picky with people I go out with I never thought I'd meet someone who meets all of my needs, and always thought of being poly because of that, but I'm not so sure anymore. We'll see how this works out.

psi said:
Yeah I am in no hurry or anything but there is a definite change in energy from my wife around this and it's exciting. But I could see it transforming into some sort of Mormon sister wives type scenario with twice the nagging, lol. There was some talk before about her moving into the downstairs apartment with her kids. Though it was rented since then.


That seems very nice, I've thought about having a family like that a few times, since I wasn't too close with my family at times and don't really want to have kids of my own for genetic reasons. I hope it works out!


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             :crazykitty:

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09]
    #26069403 -

ninja cat 09 said:
(Some) monogamous people use people for gratification going from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship or outright lying about being in love to get laid. Gross.



Bonobos, our close primate cousins, are promiscuous and engage in casual sex. Promiscuity can be viewed as non-exploitative. In Bonobos, promiscuity appears to be a highly adaptive positive social trait. Because some people embrace lifetime coupling does not mean it's congruent with our specie's nature. As you say, the data implies exclusive sexual rights for another person seems to go against our nature. In many early human societies, exclusive sexual rights was not allowed, and any sense of such type of sexual ownership was repressed. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-dawn/201202/7-things-bonobos-can-teach-us-about-love-and-sex

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09] * 1
    #26070080 -

The situation I mentioned before actually made me quite panicked when I was unexpectedly alone with this woman. Though I was also panicked about some other stuff. And later when I went to go to bed I almost told her "love you" but stopped myself.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: psi]
    #26076906 -

RJ Tubs 202 said:
ninja cat 09 said:
(Some) monogamous people use people for gratification going from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship or outright lying about being in love to get laid. Gross.



Bonobos, our close primate cousins, are promiscuous and engage in casual sex. Promiscuity can be viewed as non-exploitative. In Bonobos, promiscuity appears to be a highly adaptive positive social trait. Because some people embrace lifetime coupling does not mean it's congruent with our specie's nature. As you say, the data implies exclusive sexual rights for another person seems to go against our nature. In many early human societies, exclusive sexual rights was not allowed, and any sense of such type of sexual ownership was repressed. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-dawn/201202/7-things-bonobos-can-teach-us-about-love-and-sex


Yeah! You read sex at dawn yet, it's a great book that covers this extensively. I don't think we're monogamous by nature, but I also don't think it's achievable. Just that there's roadblocks and you have to plan for them, I've just never felt the way I mentioned in the OP in a relationship before and wanted to get some feedback.

psi said:
The situation I mentioned before actually made me quite panicked when I was unexpectedly alone with this woman. Though I was also panicked about some other stuff. And later when I went to go to bed I almost told her "love you" but stopped myself.


Sounds a bit rough man, you'll get the hang of it. Maybe talk with your SO about being uncomfortable?


--------------------
             :crazykitty:

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: ninja cat 09]
    #26076919 -

ninja cat 09 said:
I don't think we're monogamous by nature, but I also don't think it's achievable.


But some people do achieve it right? So by that token it therefore must be achievable?


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26076934 -

Jokeshopbeard said:
ninja cat 09 said:
I don't think we're monogamous by nature, but I also don't think it's achievable.


But some people do achieve it right? So by that token it therefore must be achievable?


I think so. I also think that it is unfair to have monogamy as the end all be all to human relationships for some people, and that the mainstream media, society, and other forms of societal pressures to be a certain way creates problems for some people. Seems to me that the ones who found non monogamy disgusting etc...are the ones who got their protocol implemented and put down as the ONLY way people should be.

On a side note. I heard a female comedian say once (about fooling around with another woman) "if it's eatin', it aint cheatin'".:grin:

Edited by tyrannicalrex (06/27/19 11:53 AM)

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 1
    #26076946 -

Didn't read all the comments, but here is my take.

I knew a guy who loved mahogany.

He always had splinters in his penis and eventually had to have an emergency amputation done due to infection.

Love and mahogany simply does not work.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex]
    #26076952 -

tyrannicalrex said:
Seems to me that the ones who found non monogamy disgusting etc...are the ones who got their protocol implemented and put down as the ONLY way people should be.


Programming is real thing. Fucking hard to break out of it if it's drilled in with real force:

There is no absurdity so palpable but that it may be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to inculcate it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity.
--Arthur Schopenhauer

One has to be willing to endure pain to break free of what is deeply programmed. And for obvious reasons, I think most would rather avoid that pain.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: remake]
    #26076955 -



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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26076966 -



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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 3
    #26076980 -

People act with conditional love.

A lot of monogamous relationships seem to be filled with unhealthy ultimatums.

I think the types that don't work contain people who are being co-dependent.

Those that do work, contain two interdependent people.

It seems somewhat beneficial to have a constant partner though. We're not always going to be young and hot. And it'd be nice to have someone to come back to who you can trust on being there until he or she dies, and then kids, until you die.

So it's all about community, I guess.

Maybe it is like it is, because, we lack a sense of true community these days.

We are 7 Billion people, but still manage to feel alone...that's some sad shit, man...:sad:

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: remake]
    #26077010 -

FranniePilgrim said:
People act with conditional love.

A lot of monogamous relationships seem to be filled with unhealthy ultimatums.

I think the types that don't work contain people who are being co-dependent.

Those that do work, contain two interdependent people.

It seems somewhat beneficial to have a constant partner though. We're not always going to be young and hot. And it'd be nice to have someone to come back to who you can trust on being there until he or she dies, and then kids, until you die.

So it's all about community, I guess.

Maybe it is like it is, because, we lack a sense of true community these days.

We are 7 Billion people, but still manage to feel alone...that's some sad shit, man...:sad:


I agree here 100% (emboldened) Kids are not for me. Yep, all the looks go eventually and all a person is left with is a mate (or 2), your mind, friends, and family. I always went for people that were intelligent more than "hot" (which is very subjective anyway).


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Edited by tyrannicalrex (06/27/19 12:48 PM)

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 1
    #26077029 -

Yeah, attraction is important but transcends physicality imo.

I find specific and individual women attractive.

So guess I'm also after something more than objective looks. Has to be more personal to me, to truly work, even with one night stands.

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: remake]
    #26077063 -

Yep, same here, except I married a man, lol.


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: tyrannicalrex]
    #26077089 -

Quote:
except I married a man


:freakout:

:rooster:

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: remake]
    #26077091 -

:nursemaryjane:


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: remake]
    #26089117 -

Yeah, I agree, if you can't help but have them warm bubbles for someone,
but you find the situation complicated, because she still also feel the same for a 3rd party,
(which is not uncommon in really toxic areas of society, where everyones into meth and getting in and out of jail- you cherish people more when everything is constantly turning to shit.
2 options; you discuss with the other their true feelings with the polyamorous dynamic, but make sure you ask them this out of the blue and not right when/if you meet up again.
OR; you ask them (also out of the blue) if they would be interested in have an open relationship with two people.
The second option is open for business for impulsive fucks like me, who never really had a handle on conventional life. I mean I'm about to buy my first car, and I've experienced life in my own way, joyfully. Though, as for a career or a 'life path' as the government scientists and the politicians coin, I'm a lost puppy in that department.
Reason being, it's the grand prize, the grandeur of works in progress.


--------------------
"There are times— and this would be a great study for somebody to do—there have been periods in English when there were emotions that don't exist anymore, because the words have been lost. There are colors that don't exist anymore because the words have been lost." — Terence McKenna (The Archaic Revival: 1991)


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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: pur3bind]
    #26089299 -

The power of healthy consensual agreement can lead to other wonderful avenues in a relationship as well,

Like BDSM, if your girl/boy is a fan of 50 shades of grey.

As long as our minds are open, we can fill it with all kinds of sexy things. We just have to remember to clean it too.

:manofapproval:

sup brotha?

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Re: Love and monogamy [Re: remake]
    #26089954 -

Been fine and dandelion my friend,

Lot on the go right now,

Thom Yorke from Radiohead just came out with a new album, excited as fack.

And yes, I would like to try those avenues out. The thing that I get burned to a crisp easily with during new sexual situations is humility. But I've found different ways to combat that, and eating a lot of carbed foods, protein full helps greatly- greater body size, greater endurance.

:jackiechanofapproval:
How you be do?


--------------------
"There are times— and this would be a great study for somebody to do—there have been periods in English when there were emotions that don't exist anymore, because the words have been lost. There are colors that don't exist anymore because the words have been lost." — Terence McKenna (The Archaic Revival: 1991)


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