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Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please
    #25142335 -

I have recently become conscious of the fact that a lot of my past hardships may be signs that I suffer from bpd. It does run in my family. I always had a lowish self esteem as a child due to bullies and overbearing strict (bipolar) and sometimes abusive parents. I always struggled with feeling accepted, or good enough. When i was 17 my mother tried to kill herself which I am barely realizing how much that fucked with me.
As an adult I have struggled to get or hold jobs with multiple year gaps between short 3mo to 1 year jobs. Im 28 and have probably only worked collectively for like 2 years or so.
I have also struggled with poly substance abuse (alcohol, benzos, opiates, amphetamines, and anything else that came my way). I began self medicating with weed at age 18, loving the mind calming/ balancing effect and tension relief. I did not learn about self medication as a concept til later (during my days of poly drug abuse). I found the worst times I have for strong emotions is if I abstain from weed for weeks at a time.

I am not so much concerned about now so much as how the disorder has progressed for you. How long did you take to get diagnosed?  What type of treatment are you seeking? How bad were things at first and how much worse did they get before treatment was necessary? How effective is your medication at leveling you off?

Obviously I know how bad my mom has gotten, and my step dad is unbareable at and even worse off if you ask me (he's borderline delusional/psychotic with very obvious manic periods) but they both had way harder more abusive childhoods than me (all things considered they could have been worse parents) My mom seems to have reigned hers in mostly. For me, It feels like I mainly deal with really strong emotional reaction (still very controllable, just like extra feels where feels are to be had) and low self esteem. That and job hunting triggers such wild feelings of anger and sadness due to repeated voluntary rejection, urinary tests, and bad luck with some of my job experiences. I have eliminated most my other triggers like news and excessive caffeine intake (simultaneously lol).
I have been learning better ways to deal with emotions such as meditation, excersise, creative expression, self love, and positive thinking, as well as eating healthy. These are all things my parents don't really practice for the must part... They seem to be more on the line of take the pill and hope it helps, which is hard to say if it does as my mom seems better than when I was younger, but my stepdad seems worse.
Sorry for the ramble but this was such an intense and scary revelation. I have read some horror stories on reddit, and witnessed a couple first hand.... Does it always get so bad? The current hardest feeling i have to deal with is vaguely hopelssness, more specifically a great sadness that everyone and thing I love is going to die... Possibly before me, so maybe its ultimately the fear of being alone, or dying alone. I try to accept this as I know its part of life, but fuck what a depressing part of life. I just cant get past it.


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Don't hate, elevate.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Unknower]
    #25142371 -

Unknower said:
I found the worst times I have for strong emotions is if I abstain from weed for weeks at a time.


When we use drugs for years or decades, we block so many emotions, when we stop, it can feel overwhelming.

Unknower said:
The current hardest feeling i have to deal with is vaguely hopelessness, more specifically a great sadness that everyone and thing I love is going to die... Possibly before me, so maybe its ultimately the fear of being alone, or dying alone. I try to accept this as I know its part of life, but fuck what a depressing part of life. I just cant get past it.


It sounds like you are obsessing about death and anticipating the future.

Can you observe these repetitive thoughts and realize they are only thoughts?

Meditation can really help us notice the recurring stories we get stuck on.

It's critical to not blindly believe thoughts. That's how we disturb ourselves.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #25142419 -

For sure, this year has been a lot of growth and learning for me, and it definitely is an obsessive thought line, I often times find myself living in the past or the future. I have been learning to recognize these negative thought patterns and move on.
I just have a hard time "staying" in the present as much as I would like.  I realize now that is why I use mj, and meditation, excersise, and generaly being acive can help, and I learned years ago that thoughts are just thoughts and not all are to be trusted. Sometimes I can't tell if Im sad, bored, or just neuteral. And knowing thoughts are just thoughts doesn't make them more pleasent to have really. Do non bpd just have less attachment to their thoughts as if meditating or stoned naturally?
For the record I have been drug free except weed for a few years. Shroomed and took acid 2x each in the last 3 years (after a brief period of overuse after learning to hunt them, lasted 2 seasons, integrating lessons the last 3 years since ) and havent touched anything else in over 5 years that wasn't perscribed by a dentist. I hardly even use caffeine any more. I even consider music a drug and only use appropriate music for appropriate circumstances and am very vigilant about lyrics/ meanings that might affect my thoughts negatively (hope suckers).
Mostly living in the past it feels like prevents me from living how I want today... I dread the future, but the past hurts. I want to let go but I dont know how to truly let go so I can get on with my life. I can get past the dread when it comes up by doing what i can to make the most out of the time I have with everyone (it's not my death that I stress on, but my loved ones's).
Thank you for your post. Internet strangers are so nice to talk to.


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Don't hate, elevate.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Unknower]
    #25142467 -

I'm also not sure if I am actually bipolar, or just recovering from trauma. How does one tell the difference? The symptoms seem so similar, and I can only see things from my perspective. I am not looking for a diagnosis, just peoples personal experience with dealing with such issues.


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Don't hate, elevate.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Unknower]
    #25142480 -

It's what you make it, it could get worse and worse or better you are actually in control

Sounds like you are suffering from hypochondria, lay off the internet a bit. you sound like you are digging a hole when it doesn't need to be

I see a lot of people sort of blame their illness, not realizing its who you are.
just keep striving to make yourself a better person every day

This is probably a better place to post stuff like this
https://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/

it helped me a bunch

But to me it just sounds like you have gone through some hardships in life and a little scarred up which happens to all humans.

And if your really struggling stop mj for 6 months or a year it's probably a key contributor to what you have been feeling, you kinda sound like someone smoking to much weed not bpd
Yeah it might make you feel good but there is always side effects 

good luck

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: MushMaggot]
    #25142554 -

You must have missed the part about problems preceeding the weed use. It might not be the healthiest coping mechanism, but I do not use it as such any more. I still use it a bit more than I need I admit, so sue me, it's not like I get drunk every night, and I'm actually pretty conservative with it these days. There are many studies in favor of weed for depression, ptsd, bpd, and other mental disorders, just as there are many paid/government studies claiming its harms. I chose to trust the sources with less interest in keeping it banned.
Not trying to be defensive, but a lot of your post seems ill informed and assumptive of my habits..... And I dont mean the part about quitting weed (which may or may not be helpful)
Calling. Me a hypochondriac though... Tisk tisk, the down playing of other peoples issues is one reason people dont reach out for help when they need it. You are aware that substance abuse and self medication are both common indicators of a mental disorder? I'm not claiming a diagnosis, I am simply concerned about my future mental health based off of some concerning life patterns, and seeking advice and recovery experience from others who struggle with similar problems. My bad for assuming it might be bpd because its rampid in my family.


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Don't hate, elevate.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Unknower]
    #25144597 -

Do you have bouts of extreme depression where you sleep for days; don’t wanna eat etc.. then it switches to mania where you can’t sleep for days and your basically extremely hyper, impulsive and like crazy? My mom was a single mom that had BPD. Also I have a prescription from the doctor for PTSD to smoke cannabis, so your right on that and that’s not from growing up with BPD around and it’s a serious case I didn’t see my mother for over a year as she was in the hospital. Sorry to hear what happened bro you just gotta move on, talk to someone about it you.. need to get it out. I don’t think you have BPD, most who have it aren’t self aware. What I think you need is motivation, you need to find something you love and dedicate yourself to it—to find something.. something that makes you have a real purpose. Improve yourself everyday and try hard and anything is possible your still young and have plenty of time to see big changes.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25144725 -

Definitely depression, and a lot of anxiety. I don't know about mania,it seems like some one else might need to spot that. Mania like my step dad definitely not, but he's the epitome of the word when he's on a bout.

I do have periods of increased and decreased motivation/ based on whether I'm feeling down or "normal". These periods seem to last 1 week or 2, and effects my motivation for everything from hygeine to chores (including cooking proper meals).  Lately I've been better about making myself at least stick with my hobbies because it helps, but it used to kill my motivation to so much as put a movie in to occupy myself.

I don't have problems actually consuming food really ever.

I use weed to prevent a lot of the things you asked about from happening, particularly the hyperness and trouble sleeping, and anxiety.
Mostly I am just moved to sadness or anger really easily and strongly.

Thank you for your comments. They were kind and helpful.

To be honest it's finances that stand in the way of me pursuing my passions the way I want.

I have bad luck with even getting interviews (tips welcome) and being hired by people who are sketchy or unreliable. My work history is spotty. I live in a small town with hot competition for the jobs I'm qualified for. I know there ought to be plenty of other people in the same struggle, with even worse track records, but job hunting just really grinds my gears, it feels so hopeless. I grit my teeth and try, but the emotions it triggers are so intense when I get home or finish applications I'm so angry, or down on myself... The main feeling my parents left me with as a child was feeling like nothing/I was ever good enough, and job hunting brings back that feeling (which I have otherwise mostly overcome) it feels like if I could just get a reliable job things would feel so much better for me.

I need to be better at accepting things as they are, instead of wishing they were different, but that's easier said than done.

Its comforting that no one thinks I sound like I'm bipolar.  I've always thought of my struggles as part of my journey and situational. I think I would benefit from a therapist most of all. I've carried myself a long way from where I was even a year ago, but I need help to go farther.


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Don't hate, elevate.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Unknower]
    #25144743 -

I am pretty dedicated to growing weed and music though. I hope to breed a strain one day, as well as record my own music, maybe even trying to sell some of my tunes. Im also pretty dedicated to operating a small farm with produce and chickens, catch my own fish/crab. Hiking is a big thing for me too, I hope to face my fear of heights by hiking. The pnw rain is a major damper on a lot of my hobbies (literally), but I love where I live. The natural beauty is amazing around my hometown. I also want to travel to several foreign countries in my life. These are my goals currently. I would love a job in the weed industry, as I am passionate about the plant and it's benefits. I would consider moving for such a job, but I am not currently able. (My city is trying to resist letting businesses open, but I am waiting to see if one nearby will be allowed to open so I can apply) otherwise it feels like i just keep applying at the same places over and over.


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Don't hate, elevate.

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Re: Of those living with bipolar disorder, serious posters only please [Re: Unknower]
    #25209081 -

sounds like youre doing the right kind of things to make the best of it. Im ptsd and been diagnosed mild bpd but its possible the diagnosis was wrong because of how many uppers or downers i was alternating between for periods of time... the add makes me depressed but anti depressants were even worse so adderall (prescribed) seems to help me focus which makes me less depressed - but it also adds "extra feels" on occasion which makes personal relationships tense. The worlds a messed up place and our whole "system" of living is flawed (i.e. inflation that outpaces debt+interest). Id say move because i know how hard it is to shake a rep, especially in a small town - and find something you can work your way up. Im trying to get into construction to eventually be a foreman or a welder - I smoke, but I also have friends with clean pee... (this is not my passion, but it will provide enough financial stability that I will be able to pursue music under less stress which in the past has helped me make better music)

I came to the forums to help with a lot of my mental health problems since 14 drs over 16 years havent been of as much use as i would have hoped. while undergoing psychoanalysis for years, my biggest breakthroughs were after a high dose of caps, a high dose of pure molly, and a high dose of mesc (at separate times). I don't recommend that, especially if youre on other meds - but they helped a lot in understanding myself, gaining self-esteem (through ego death), and letting go.

Edited by browntonabby (05/16/18 09:37 PM)

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