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watch theweatherchange...

Registered: 08/05/03
Posts: 344
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long]
    #2201653 - 12/26/03 04:35 AM (14 years, 5 months ago)

Hey all, as I prepare for my first trip in several months tomorrow, I pulled out an old journal that I wrote after having the strongest trip of my life (year ago). I thought it'd be fun to go through it and get your take on things. Let me know what you think - my main question pertains to whether you think I acheived ego-loss or not...anywho - this was written a day or two after the trip, when I was still in the afterglo - these were very, very strong shrooms. This is all directly quoted from the book, so I apologize for any misspelling or bad grammar but I wanted to keep it as pure as the day I wrote it.

"I want to write this down so I always remember that day. As stupid, or cliche, or laughable, or untrue any of this sounds, I swear on my own existence that it is all true.

It started at 3pm. I was with J who I've known for 3 years, and D who I hardly know, but have tripped with twice before. We had approximately ten grams of dried psychedelic mushrooms between us, on the table.

It was divided into 3 seperate piles - one for each of us. We each began by eating half of our original piles. In 30-60 minutes, D + I were flying. J felt very negative, and eventually left.

Around 4pm, D+I continued to eat the rest of the mushrooms. At approximately 5pm, D+I each finished the remaining mushrooms of our respective piles, and J's pile.

Between 3pm and 7pm we were in D's house. These are some of the things I recall:
-D's yard, fence, pool all moving
-Bricks making faces
-The euphoric feeling of grass on my feet
-D's stepping stones changing colors and patterns
-The unprecedented deliciousness of ice tea
-D's street looking beautiful
-Playing guitar proved difficult
-Music was soothing and fun
-Chewing was difficult
-Pizza dough in my mouth for an hour
-Smoking a joint outside
-Smoking a joint in D's bathroom
-Looking in the mirror was a trip
-Joints were lovely, soothing, enjoyable

Unexpected and highly unfortunate, D said that I would have to leave his house. This was at 7pm, and I was still tripping. I packed my things and loaded my car. I was disappointed but little did I know that this was when my epic spiritual journey would begin."


"I got in my car and drove away. I quickly realized that I should not be driving yet and I vividly remember a fear of killing someone. I parked my car and got an ice tea out of my bag. I went to a nearby forest. Small, but lush. I began walking through it, thinking, feeling things I'd never felt before.

There were several people around, I felt suddenly as if I were in a movie. I remember thinking - looking at my faded black t-shirt and jeans, short black hair - I look like a junkie. I became fearful that someone would confront me, and I realized I could not walk straight, and I was splashing ice tea non-deliberately as I walked. I returned to the car.

I drove to a new area, again I became overwhelmed and parked. Never had I parked worse in my life, but it did not matter. I headed towards a new park, but 2 little girls ran from behind me to the park. I continued to a nearby baseball diamond where I sat down. There I rested and attempted to gather my thoughts. I soon left, walking over grass, remembering it felt soft, calm, and gentle. Eventually I returned to my car.

I had no idea where to go, what to do, who to talk to. I felt I should eat so I drove to McDonald's. I had no apetite and did not eat. I went inside because I had to pee. It was difficult. I felt like everyone was looking at me, and I was afraid the would confront me. Eye-contact was a feared enemy. I got into the washroom, did my business and looked at myself in the mirror. Time to leave. I returned to my car where I got my sweater and began to go for a walk. I saw many people in the lot and again feared confrontation.

I walked around the perimeter of the McDonald's and then towards a grocery store, but then went the opposite way."

[SIDENOTE: A ways down the road, is a rec. complex, with a large hill used for toboganning in the winter, etc.]

"Carefully crossing streets I looked towards the hill. I immediately felt: 'If I get to that hill, it will happen.' I did not know what would happen, just that I had to get to the hill.

I walked over a construction-ridden road - the rocks and stones breathing and moving by themselves, creating weird patterns. I still am not walking straight.

I walked past the skatepark and towards the hill. I began to climb up the side of it, finding myself walking sloppily and diaganolly up the hill. Eventually, I reach the top.

There was a fence with 3 cylindrical horizontal posts. I sat down on the top post, my feet resting and balancing me on the first and sometimes second post.

To my right and down, was an Esso station and several busy roads and a busy intersection.

To my left, was forestry, grass, rocks, etc.

[Sidenote: This was sort of the civilization vs. nature aspect]

Straight ahead and above, in the sky, I saw it. There was the sunset, the time was approximately 8pm. The sun was orange - staring me in the face. The sky was orange, blue, pink, red, everything! I can not explain how, or why, but I then realized the beauty of being alive. Several times, while looking at the sky above me I said 'so beautiful' aloud to myself. I watched the clouds move and morph before me.

I remember seeing faces in the clouds, moving closer and closer to me. Then the street noise would come back to me, and I remember thinking - 'how often do people stop to take in the beauty?'

Everything was so beautiful - clouds, sky, sun, grass, trees, rocks, plants. I continued to stare at the clouds. I focussed extremely hard on the beauty I was feeling and then it hit me. It can not be expressed in words. At that moment, I realized that it all had come together. My entire life was a build up to this moment.

1. I have experienced heaven - it does exist
2. I have evolved into a new being
3. Everything feels new to me
4. Extreme jubilation
5. Euphoria
6. The Meaning of it all
7. Completion
8. nirvana
9. bliss
10. self-actualization
11. inner peace

I was not scared. I felt euphoric. I sat on that fence contemplating my feelings for about 60minutes. I then proceeded down the hill and walked to an area with several rocks where I sat down 9pm.

I sat and looked at the sky. The same as before. I meditated quietly, closing my eyes I fell deeper into the hole. The realization of the beauty. The heaven.

Opening my eyes was a shock. This was the deepest meditation and concentration I have ever experienced.

The sky and clouds were turning dark. I could see a rain storm in the distance and I prayed it would pour on top of me. Over the next while, the rain came closer and closer. I went for a brief walk, intending on going to a fountain in the middle of a marsh I could hear. Avoiding people prevented me from getting to it. Eventually I did. I sat on a bench, staring out into the pond at the fountain in the centre of it.

Time passed with no feeling and eventually it was dark. The rain avoided me, I was not poured on. So much realization and mental activity left me overwhelmed. After realizing and feeling these things:
-How can I go 'home'?
-what is home?
-who am i?
-what do i do now?
-who can i talk to?

The feelings were inexpressible, impossible to communicate to others. I headed back towards my car, passing people playing football, a small group of drunk kids, and the skatepark. I got in my Car, called X. We decided to meet. I drove downtown.

J called. I found it impossible to talk. This was all so new. Told him I was reflective, hard to understand. I did not know what day it was. I did not know what "what day it was" meant.

X's house. Still contemplating. Smoked 2 joints. Lying on the floor in X's room, looking up at his light (covered in candle wax) I saw faces, hundreds of faces looking at me. Rage on the cd player, the drumbeats pulsing with energy through my body.

Time to leave. Got food. Went home. Home at 1am. How can I go home knowing the things I know?

How can I return to "normal" after experiencing this?

I heard voices. I saw god. I experienced heaven. I know what comes next. I know the truth.

I can explain none of it.

I can only hope to visit it again."


Sorry, that was freakin' long! Thoughts?

Cheers all.

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Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 07/16/00
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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: Euphoria]
    #2202740 - 12/26/03 09:28 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Why did you have to leave d's place?

You managed a high dose in public better then i probably could :smile:

This is the only time I really feel alive.

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Registered: 09/25/03
Posts: 685
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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: Euphoria]
    #2202756 - 12/26/03 09:36 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I loved the story.

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The EternalPupil

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 62
Loc: Cali4nia
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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: Euphoria]
    #2202778 - 12/26/03 09:42 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

Nice story man :thumbup: :thumbup: I hope someday I'll experience something of that magnitude.


2 glasses of ice water with ice

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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: Euphoria]
    #2202805 - 12/26/03 09:54 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)


Ego loss.


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Registered: 10/04/00
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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: motaman]
    #2202849 - 12/26/03 10:36 PM (14 years, 4 months ago)

yes, I too am curious how you handled yourself so well in public.  Anything over 2g and I will be incapable of acting civil in public :smile:

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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: sinoptiK]
    #2203051 - 12/27/03 12:56 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

wow, that sounds awesome. has something similar once, but not so much. mucho kudos on the mcdonald's.. i did that one time, except there were 5 of us, so.. it was a lot easier.
actually the first time i've come across such a general trend of shying from public eyes on mushrooms, i thought it was just me. i even got kinda skittery at freakin' bonnaroo.. tho i still swear that two people behind me were talking about me at.. uh.. some show. who knows where. but i was totally just layed out half curled into a ball

i finally got around to making a sig
revel in its glory and quake in fear at its might

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watch theweatherchange...

Registered: 08/05/03
Posts: 344
Last seen: 12 years, 6 months
Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: Mushmonkey]
    #2203256 - 12/27/03 03:14 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

- I had to leave D's place because: no idea. The place was all his for the next day or so, and it was pre-arranged that we were gonna stay there a while. I still, to this day, do not know why he said I had to leave.

- It was very hard to handle myself in public - it felt a lot like everyone was constantly staring at me. Extreme paranoia but I had a lot of control too.

So you guys think that describes an instance of ego-loss?

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Registered: 11/25/03
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Re: Ego-loss...or just really messed up? [long] [Re: Euphoria]
    #2203605 - 12/27/03 09:59 AM (14 years, 4 months ago)

I love mcdonald's on shrooms, even while it's busy. I felt like everyone in there was so happy to be eating there big macs, and that they were all so satisfied. It was fucking hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing.

There were points in public were I felt that everyone was staring, but I honestly didn't care, because I thought to myself, that each and every human should be able to act the way they please without hurting others and not be judged or looked down upon. So I continued walking through the book fair laughing at people, not hiding away or shying from strangers and being loud. Of course nothing happened and we soon left, but that's just how I handle public situations.

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies--all these are private and, ex- cept through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.

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Mushrooms, Mycology and Psychedelics >> The Psychedelic Experience

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