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Divorce.
    #17060308 -

Me and my wife are growing apart rather quickly. It's not because of abuse, or neglect, or what have you. We just simply aren't in love any more. We have worked (or tried to) on this for quite sometime but we are getting no-where with it. So over the last few days we have been talking divorce.
We've agreed to make it peaceful. We know what assets we will take, and leave. We have no need for a custody battle, and no need to settle child support. We'll both equally take care of our child, and have our visitation.
I just have some questions...
-Do we need to have a custody hearing? Or can we both just agree on something verbally? Like... "You take her Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and I'll take her the rest." Does that work in the divorce system?
-Do we need to file for child support? Or can we handle that like the above? ^ "She needs diapers, buy um. If I can get um, I will." Like that?
-Can we do the divorce out of court? I don't really think there is a need to sit in court. Maybe we can just sit with a lawyer, and be done with it. She feels the same.
Thanks for any help guys.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #17060515 -

"simply aren't in love anymore"  So that is a reason to get divorced?

Did you really think you were going to be "in love" for your entire marriage?  Most married people are not in love with each other, that wears off pretty early in the game.

A marriage is sacrifice, raising children is a sacrifice, it's not about you being in love with each other, it's about what is best for the child. What if everyone who is married and has children decided to get divorced because they were not in love anymore? Would we have any families?

You guys are a prefect example how self centered people in our culture have become, if everything is not perfect, get divorced, truly pathetic. Think about your child, not just your own feelings for once.

Edited by Anonymous (10/19/12 12:31 PM)

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #17060563 -

yea, I'm with the guy above. Are you that not in love with her where you want to go through the trouble even though you're going to still see her constantly cause of the kid.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #17060671 -

Well, it was mutual. It's gotten to the point where it is extremely hard to live with one another. We are peaceful about it, but there is way too much tension. Lots of little arguments et cetera.
You think staying in a house where two people can't tolerate each other, or are constantly having problems is a good environment for a kid to be raised in? You have another thing coming to you.
My parents stayed married through my childhood and they bickered so much. It just made being home awkward and uncomfortable. I looked for any excuse to not be in that place.
When they finally got a divorce I said to them... "It's about fucking time." I would have been MUCH happier if they lived apart. Two people who are not in love, don't need to be together.
Also, this thread was not posted for people to say "Stay married."
It was posted in hopes that someone could answer the questions I asked.
Judge someone elses life.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #17060689 -

I do know you can meet with a lawyer and work out many aspects of the divorce (it's what my current gf did when she was divorced).

It's possible you can include custody details in that discussion, but I would guess that any competent lawyer would get the details in writing.

The chances of an argument happening or something going bad are just WAY to high.  Ten years from now, what will you say if all the sudden she wants money? 

"Now she wants MORE money, what about all the money I've given her, and she has 100 pairs of shoes, etc. etc.".

You are making an ENORMOUS mistake if you don't get a binding agreement while doing this.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #17060690 -

That's not what marriage is about.  It's a committment.  Committment only matters when it's hard.  Falling out of love is not a reason to get divorced any more than falling in love is a reason to get married.  You made a promise, and a kid...now man the fuck up and keep that promise.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #5] * 1
    #17060723 -

Anonymous #5 said:
That's not what marriage is about.  It's a committment.  Committment only matters when it's hard.  Falling out of love is not a reason to get divorced any more than falling in love is a reason to get married.  You made a promise, and a kid...now man the fuck up and keep that promise.


Well, she brought up divorce, and I just went along with it. So why don't you tell her to woman the fuck up and stick it out. Oh, right. I care about her happiness. If she wants out, I have no reason to argue with her. I can just put myself on the same level. And make it mutual. If she's done, so am I. This is the 21st century man. Get over yourself and your self-righteous bullshit.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #17060777 -

Anonymous #1 said:
Well, it was mutual. It's gotten to the point where it is extremely hard to live with one another. We are peaceful about it, but there is way too much tension. Lots of little arguments et cetera.
You think staying in a house where two people can't tolerate each other, or are constantly having problems is a good environment for a kid to be raised in? You have another thing coming to you.
My parents stayed married through my childhood and they bickered so much. It just made being home awkward and uncomfortable. I looked for any excuse to not be in that place.
When they finally got a divorce I said to them... "It's about fucking time." I would have been MUCH happier if they lived apart. Two people who are not in love, don't need to be together.
Also, this thread was not posted for people to say "Stay married."
It was posted in hopes that someone could answer the questions I asked.
Judge someone elses life.


You are a big complainer, "hard to live with one another" ,"little arguments", "too much tension" ,"awkward and uncomfortable", "bickered so much".

What do you think relationships and marriage are about?  It's not one big party, it's not about being in love, it's not like the movies, it's about staying together despite all the challenges.

You get married and have a child, and then break up your family because it's not fun anymore, and the magic is gone, you have unrealistic expectations about marriage and life, toughen up.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #17060823 -

I'm with you OP, I dealt with the same growing up- fond childhood memories of being woken up by screaming and shit being broken. When my parents divorced my only thought was 'Finally', and they've both been happier ever since.  On the same note, if you two aren't to the point of yelling matches and that nastiness, maybe try to work it out?
I have no idea about how to go about it but you could save yourself a looot of legal hassle in the future if you do this legit now. Contact a divorce lawyer for sure.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #2] * 1
    #17060835 -

Anonymous #2 said:
What do you think relationships and marriage are about?  It's not one big party, it's not about being in love, it's not like the movies, it's about staying together despite all the challenges. .


This is typically what married people say.  They're miserable, hate their spouse, and hate life in general.  For some reason, they think having the company of others will make them feel better.

You aren't required or obligated to be miserable your entire life.  You don't have to be married to raise a child in a loving family.  It's antiquated, religious bullshit.  If you're that unhappy cut your losses.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #17061073 -

Anonymous #1 said:
Well, it was mutual. It's gotten to the point where it is extremely hard to live with one another. We are peaceful about it, but there is way too much tension. Lots of little arguments et cetera.
You think staying in a house where two people can't tolerate each other, or are constantly having problems is a good environment for a kid to be raised in?



Hell no.  You need to find someone you are really in love with.  Sticking with someone you don't love for the sake of the kid will fuck his head up real good.

Anonymous #5 said:
That's not what marriage is about.  It's a committment.  Committment only matters when it's hard. 


Staying with someone you don't love is retarded, marriage or not.

There are so many people out there that you could fall in love with.  Sometimes love lasts, other times not.  You can't predict this accurately until you have been together many years.  Don't feel bad about marrying the wrong person - it's never to late to fix your life. 

Anonymous #4 said:
You aren't required or obligated to be miserable your entire life.  You don't have to be married to raise a child in a loving family.  It's antiquated, religious bullshit.  If you're that unhappy cut your losses.


QFT...

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #7]
    #17061264 -

You should look into mediation and definitely have some one with legal expertise sort out the details, otherwise she might decide to fuck you out of everything at the last minute and you'll be caught with your pants down.  I've heard of a guy telling his wife she could have half of everything, then she got a lawyer to argue that it was a gift and that she was still entitled to take another half of his remaining half and she won the case.  Just an anecdote but I'm pretty sure it happened and I know that it's legally possible in some states.  Get a lawyer.  Even if it's the two of you talking to the same lawyer/mediator, they'll help you through the process, make it as painless as possible and hopefully look out for everybody's interests.  Good luck. 
IMO, marriage IS about sacrifice for the children and most marriages aren't particularly loving after a decade or so, but if it's gotten to the point where your relationship is so dysfunctional that your kids would be better off if the two of you were seeing someone else, I can see that being a possibility.  I do agree that people are way too saccharine in their expectations of marriage like it's supposed to complete you and make you happy, and give up on it way too easily if it goes wrong, but I also agree that it's just a social construct that is largely designed by religious dogma.  In either case, it remains an institution, and with the lack of the large tribal/family groups for child-rearing the way we did when we were cavemen, when a marriage works it does provide kids with the best chance our modern society has to offer for turning out well adjusted and successful.  There's been enough studies that have demonstrated the damage divorce does to children, and step-parents nearly always sabotage and undermine the relationship between the real parent and their child.  If you really love your kids, you should take it to therapy and find a way to make yourselves both happy independently while you stay together, rather than expecting that happiness from your marriage/relationship and breaking up when it doesn't work out.  Inner peace and love come from within.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #7] * 1
    #17061283 -

What a bunch of sanctimonious bullshit going on in this thread.

OP - sorry you are having to deal with this. Divorce, even when mutual, is a difficult thing for everyone involved. My ex and I tried counseling once a week for a year and the therapist finally said to me "you got some tough decisions to make because nothing is going to change and your children are suffering." Yes, children suffer when they live among adults who can't get along. It affects their self esteem and their sense of safety. And it certainly is not a role model for a good relationship.

My ex and I used:

http://www.ourdivorceagreement.com

It's a lot of paperwork to fill out but you can save yourselves thousands of dollars by not having to hire a lawyer. We determined our own custody, which is 50/50, and there are no child support payments involved - we each pay 50% of all child related expenses and/or take turns with doctor appts, purchasing new shoes/coats, etc.

So you fill out the paperwork and then you have to file it with the court. You will be called to court and the judge will look over the case and ask a few questions, grant the divorce and you're on your way.

I think the entire thing cost us maybe $400 total.

If you're unsure about the paperwork and want someone who understands this stuff but not a high priced lawyer, look for a mediator. They are cheaper and can help you wade through some of it. Our therapist was also a mediator so she took a look at our paperwork before we filed.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #9]
    #17076752 -

What Holy text was in front of you for your marriage? Was it the bible? Maybe look and see if Jesus thought "not being in love" was a reason for divorce :stonedjerk:

Grow up. I wish my marital problems were as petty as yours you fucking coward. And now you are gonna fuck with your child's mind because of some minor arguments :commonsense:


.......and not religious? Then why did you get married?

Edited by Anonymous (10/22/12 01:37 AM)

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #10]
    #17078194 -

Anonymous #10 said:
....and not religious? Then why did you get married?


:facepalm: We need a triple facepalm gremlin... There are lots of non religious reasons to get married.
Kids are tougher than you give them credit for, they figure shit out.
I'd rather tell my kid 'well things just didn't work out' than 'Mommy sent daddy to jail for domestic violence, but we're staying together because of you' -thats what fucks with a childs mind.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #17078261 -

Anonymous #6 said:
Anonymous #10 said:
....and not religious? Then why did you get married?


:facepalm: We need a triple facepalm gremlin... There are lots of non religious reasons to get married.
Kids are tougher than you give them credit for, they figure shit out.
I'd rather tell my kid 'well things just didn't work out' than 'Mommy sent daddy to jail for domestic violence, but we're staying together because of you' -thats what fucks with a childs mind.


"there are lots of non religious reasons to get married"  Really, tell me some of them.

Let me guess, health insurance coverage, SS benefits. Give me a break, marriage is a religious institution, for the preservation of the family unit. This does not include excuses such as, "I am bored with my spouse", "I am not madly in love anymore" "I need to find myself".

The reason people stay married is because of religious faith, a commitment to their spouse, god, and the unity of all three making it a holy sacrament. This type of religious commitment makes a stronger marriage, and makes a stronger family unit.

Many people get married in a church, but it's mostly for cosmetic reasons, that is why most don't take their marriages very seriously, the losers are the children in this situation.

Edited by Anonymous (10/22/12 12:37 PM)

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #17078364 -

Please tell me you're trolling, its either that or you're displaying the kind of idiocy that should be banned.
Yes, insurance coverage, tax benefits, commitment to children.
People stay married because it works for them, and get divorced when it doesn't.
It's that religious insanity that leads to so many fucked up children of loveless marriages.

It's not your marriage. You may be surprised to find out that some people need more reason to do things beyond 'god says so'. Shut the fuck up.

Edited by Anonymous (10/22/12 01:09 PM)

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #17078368 -

How long have you guys been married? How long have you both known eachother?

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #11]
    #17078387 -

OP forget these clowns commenting on here. If your marriage isn't working, its not working. But its awesome that you both want to keep it peaceful for your child.

There's no point in staying together if you guys are fighting and not getting along. That is what my parents did and it scarred us because they were always fighting.

Good luck to you.

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Re: Divorce. [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #17078451 -

Anonymous #6 said:
Please tell me you're trolling, its either that or you're displaying the kind of idiocy that should be banned.
Yes, insurance coverage, tax benefits, commitment to children.
People stay married because it works for them, and get divorced when it doesn't.
It's that religious insanity that leads to so many fucked up children of loveless marriages.

It's not your marriage. You may be surprised to find out that some people need more reason to do things beyond 'god says so'. Shut the fuck up.


Why get married? Why not just live together, get married just for insurance and tax benefits? This sounds like a very shallow way of going about a life time commitment to another human being.

Is it insanity to try to stay married even if there are some temporary issues between partners? 

Your version of marriage is no different than dating, stay together when it's fun, and break up when it "doesn't work" anymore.  Maybe a good reason to stay together is for the family, not just the individual and their immediate needs.

I will not shut up, my opinion is valid, and your ability to see the importance of traditional values is clearly lacking.

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