Infinitys Minute said:
That's one of the ones I won't touch with a 10 foot pole. I'm sure that's the one doctors claim have no lasting long-term side effects but actually causes 'brain zaps' in many people after they stop.
As you can see, when you confess to feel depressed, at many forums tyou will get the call from others to go on so-called medication. This can be confusing to some, especially those that feel a bit wary about this pressure to take pills. All I can do then is provide you with information I have gathered over time, and if you care to look at it it is up to you. At the end of the day it is yourself who has the freedom of choice. There is a really good website and community run by psychiatric survivors called Mindfreedom http://www.mindfreedom.org/ and what they are about is INFORMING people. They will tell them about the mental illness myth, but if the person still then feels the need to take medication that is their freedom. But I encourage you to really look into this, because these drugs can cause even more problems than they claim to solve. Also the people promoting them here, they may very well be sincere but really you don't know their actual identities whereas researchers that may warn you against the mental illness myth you do, and you can contact them for further inofrmation. So KNOW.
OK. You are 21. This is a crazy age, and I can remember that birthday clearly. it is a time when as a kid uyou dream of because it is THE time--you assume--that you become fully adult, get the key to the door, and imagine yourself being this adult who is in control etc etc, AND that you will have a massive party etc. Often the reality is a massive anti-climax. It certainly was for me!
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Yeah, agreed - fixing the chemical balance in your body/brain is just a bandaid. It can make life more pleasant and alleviate symptoms, but it doesn't touch the cause.
At the end of this message I am going to link you up with information I have gathered about this over a time. So please check it out when you have time?
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Sounds good man, I have a lot of trouble being able to list all of the things that are 'wrong' (lived with them so long it's hard) and describing them, but it does sound like it could really help. I know I'm carrying mental baggage from my childhood.
Yes. This culture is based on a mechanical conception of nature, and the body and mind, so most of the things on offer from the 'help' you go to when you are feeling in psychological distress is also mechanical---like the chemicals, and also things like CBT, etc. But with PCC you are listened to as a human being with feelings, and as we know these feelings can be incredibly complex and overwhelming. So yes, I recommend this 
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When I was little, my sisters would always team up to make me feel terrible. They bullied me physically and emotionally non-stop and made me feel worthless since I was old enough to understand or be roughed up. I learned not to show any happiness (and eventually stopped feeling it) because if I was clearly happy they would do something extra terrible. They stole everything I liked to used and play with (they'd lie and cover each other to avoid getting in trouble) and tell lies to get me in trouble either for things they did or for things nobody did and they just made up. No matter what I did there were two of them swearing to a certain version of events so I couldn't win. They eventually convinced my parents that I was a pathological liar. It was absolute all-out war, except I couldn't defend myself because the consequences of doing so were far worse than just taking it.
That sounds absolutely terrible!! Have you ever confronted them as adults and asked each one to explain the reasons for treating you with such disrespect--in effect bullying you? That is sadism! I think THEY both need to face what they have done as much as you need to heal from the pain of what they did. WHY did they do that. I remember having a sadistic streak which began with me from about 8/9 to 15 (it was turning onto LSD when 15 that helped me resolve this crisis), and a big part wasto do with school--which I hated, and a sense of not-belonging. For example I am gay, but it was VERY taboo when I was growing up so I even kinda and strangely had to hide it from myself which was a mindfuck. So when you hurt, you tend to want to hurt others. So this is why I am wondering about your sisters. What caused them to want to relentlessly hurt you like that. You know in more intelligent communities, it wouldn't be just yourself going to a healer but the whole family! It is very important you get answers from your sisters because they--and most likely your parents are deeply responsible with how you feel.
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With my sisters constantly pushing me and driving me absolutely insane while I did nothing at all about it... as you can imagine, I would snap sometimes and just yell and cry and swing my arms. It was all too much and I coudn't take it. That helped their case and helped convince my parents that I was a loose unit.
Its a wonder you didn't seriously attack them. I am glad you didn't but....shit. I remember being bullied at school, and the sick feeling I got. I believe it caused me to get pneumonia--that and the whole school experience---when I was 12 going on 13. It is a feeling of being trapped. Of HAVING to get up in the morning and face that shit. But at least I had the sanctuary of home to look foreward to where there was relative peace. But for you your very home was not really home was it, but a place you were bullied and couldn't tell--or thought you couldn't--about it. With bullying there comes a lot of shame of BEING bullied, and this stops many kids from asking for help. How was school for you?
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I had suicidal tendancies by the time I was 6 and by 7 or 8 I'd made a few attempts. Life was hell, all I wanted was to escape. I was extremely ashamed of myself not having the balls to take my life in my hands and get myself out of there. Failing at suicide is like failing at failing.
I cannot imagine to be so desperate at such a young age!! I am so sorry for what happened to you, I really am. How could you get yourself out of there? that was your home. That is supposed to be where the heart is? Again I am really curious to know how your sisters and parents now feel about what you have been through from being little at 'home'. A place you should feel safe and not wanting to escape, even with suicide.
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I didn't know how to interact with people at school and must have been 8 or 9 by the time I made 2 friends to hang out with for 2 years, then I changed school and no friends... 2 years later I changed school and had a couple of friends but I wasn't close to them, the sort of people you play a game with and discuss things of slightly personal nature but not the deep stuff. 2 years of that and I moved to my girlfriend at the time (Jessica)'s school and joined her group of friends. I fit in with them well but always felt like the outsider... that went on another 3 years. After that I made friends with a couple of stoners, one of which is my best friend Sam - the other two went on to repeatedly screw me over and betray me. Talking to Sam and being with Jess filled different holes, and it's probably the only time something's filled that gap. Sam's in Australia at the moment.
I am not surprised you found it hard to interact with others at school, but am well glad you found a girlfriend. AND that you have a best friend.
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As you can imagine I felt helpless and alone pretty much my entire childhood up to the part with Sam and Jess, and even then much of it remained.
But as you are saying here, a lot of that pain is taking you over.
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My life is boring as hell. Time just draws out like anything... I spend a lot of time in bed on the computer. I recently started home brewing and extracting various plant alkaloids which can be fun but are not things I can occupy large amounts of my time with frequently. I am going to make a fire staff and start fire spinning soon which seems like a lot of fun, I am very dexterous and enjoy using that skill. I like to think. I used to drive up to the highest points around town and smoke weed, listen to music and think while I watched the sun set and watched the lights flick on across the city. The lights out here are more beautiful and plentiful than the stars (unfortunately).
hah this has just reminded me of a video I watched earlier from Joe Rogan. Some of it leaves me a bit cold, bits like where he seems to be tyhinking it 'real cool' that since the beginings of airplane flight it was just 40 years since they dropped a nuclear bomb on cities full of humans and all life. There is no mention of the absulte supreme evil of that---they are like two little superficial boys goin 'WOWWW aren't wee GREAT--sheesh with not one mention of the horror of that 'achievement'. I also dont buy the 'reality is computer simulation' trip
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Deep down inside I feel so lonely and distant (related to depersonalisation) and I just want to feel loved. There's a loneliness in there that only my old best friend and my ex ex girlfriend have come close to filling.
I hate routine and repetition, I hate how you wake up every day and it's all the same. I hate that autopilot that kicks in and makes you a numb zombie when you're in routine mode.
Like I told you about those trancey like states I can go in when I smell a certain, smell, hear certain sounds that I think rememnd me of the loneliness and isolation I felt at about that age too at school. It is kind of reliving the awful sense of lonliness and hoplessness of a child. In old cultures they call this as 'losing parts of the soul'--and the shamans ritual is then s/he goes into the nether regions in search of your lost soul and bring in back to you. But this doesn't mean you NEED a shaman. I think that is a cool metaphor but not the only one. You are lost, and need to revitalize. You have to find what alternatives are available. I am very glad you have chosen to express your feelings here. I also encourage you to get a journal going and write down your feelings, and also draw if you feel to do so. Can be anything even 'googles'. In this way your allowing your self FREEDOM to explore feelings. As a child you felt you had to hide how you feeling because you felt threatened, and this culture wants to suppress feelings with its drugs etc. So EXPRESS feeling in any way you can. I hope you will book an appointment to see a PCC where you will have someone you can really open up to--even more so than your girlfriend or friend. Have you ever thought of taking magic mushrooms also to help heal how you feel?
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I never ever used to smile... my ex ex girlfriend helped a little in breaking that habit and after a few years I started smiling around her. Now I do smile from time to time, but it's to do with humour rather than happiness usually.
Yeah you mean its not like innate sense of bubbling joy of life. It rather has to be an outside source but as soon as that stops you go back to a deep sense of sadness--or numbness?
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I do not like my life. I try not to get all "why me?" about it though. I'm learning to like it more than before, I guess. If a certain event did not happen which made me swear not to even contemplate suicide again, I'd be dead right now.
I will link you to a video later. I dont want this post to be TOO massively inundated with info lol--where this conversation is about this, and the guy says that people who want to kill themself dont really want to utterly die but they want some part of them to die--the part that is preventing life?
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I wish I had something to be really passionate about so I could devote myself to it. One of the reasons I lay around so much is because there is very very little I wish to accomplish. I have no appetite for life.
because you feel dead inside. All that unresolved hurt that takes you over. Like you have lost parts of your soul. As WELL as the pain from childhood etc of course is the actual fukin shit times many of us are oppressed under now which are also completely miserable for many!
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Today I woke up feeling good. Not a deeply satisfied or happy good, but superficial chemical good because the 5-HTP is doing it's thing. It's nice, my baseline mood is neutral instead of miserable, and I feel less lethargic. There's that unmistakable sharp tingle that's telling me something is getting me high - the physical sensation is unpleasant but easily tolerable.
I am not sure what that is? Are you taking it everyday?
Here are links I mentioned:
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Acknowledging The Survivor: Exclusion, Trivialisation and Denial “At a deeper level it is our failure to acknowledge the original trauma before people experiencing distress and overwhelm enter the psychiatric services that hurts vulnerable people the most though. We hurt them three times; by ignoring the original trauma and then by labelling and drugging (in effect, denying) the trauma. We then hurt them again by not allowing them to express their anger at this violation of both their human rights and their right to their trauma. We label the layers and I believe it is that is what we feel most guilt around because we collude with psychiatry. We all know collectively deep down and subconsciously that there is no such thing as ‘chemical imbalance’ but trauma is taboo in our culture. This really taps into our victim/ perpetrator energy, our inherent fragility as humans, our fear of the unknown, our primal instincts. Our hiding behind a veneer of ‘respectability’ separates us from those experiencing crisis and overwhelm. We don’t want to look trauma in the eye. But acknowledging this trauma truth holds enormous power and depth of healing if we can do it. We do an enormous disservice to the psychiatric survivor in not revering and honouring their experience.” http://beyondmeds.com/2011/01/24/acknowledgesurvivor/
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The Chemical Imbalance Myth/FRAUD
http://psychroaches.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/chemical-imbalance-mythfraud.html
Chemical imbalance myth takes a big public fall (no, antidepressants do NOT correct an imbalance of serotonin, nor do other psychiatric drugs correct anything at all)
http://beyondmeds.com/2012/01/25/chemicalimbalancemythfalls/
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