Auto-SummaryThe author describes experiencing persistent heart palpitations and discomfort for a long time, which seem to be linked to negative self-grasping and self-consciousness. These symptoms have worsened after various life events, including a party, drug use, and a relationship. The author believes the root of the problem lies in the mind, and has made improvements by disidentifying from the discomfort and practicing meditation. Despite progress, the heart-funkiness still persists, and the author seeks advice on how to further alleviate the issue.
Hello! This is a long post so if you're bored you might read it.
For quite some time now my heart has been in a very shaky state and I feel that it's been robbing me of my well-being for a while now. It's a bit painful and very uncomfortable at times. Sometimes my heart seems to be releasing some negative energies which are anxiety-like. Sometimes it begins to palpitate pretty hard as if I was just running or in a fearful situation, although I'll be sitting or lying down completely immobile. But sometimes I'll do some minor labour like walking up the stairs or getting up fast and my heart immediately starts going off and it feels very weak.
Last year, after one of the parties that I used to enjoy, the next day my heart was pounding really hard, and I hadn't slept. I was getting insomnia because of the mixture of drugs that I was doing and being up so late throwing my body out of whack. Anyway it was very uncomfortable and it wouldn't stop and I couldn't even relate the uncomfortable heart-palpitations to any event at all. Not even to any thoughts or anything. I knew something was 'wrong' but I didn't know what. I wasn't going through any mental-emotional trauma or anything, although I was opening myself up the intimate Buddhist literature around that time. It just appeared out of no where in the background, and it wouldn't stop. At first it was very uncomfortable and even worrisome, but if I remember correctly, eventually it would dissipate or I would be able to ignore it effectively.
Me, being the genius that I am, persisted partying in the same way, with the same drugs, and the same routine, and I think it may have been at least a couple other times that the same thing would happen, and I don't think the heart problems ever really went away.
Then, last year something happened where inside if felt like something burst and the heart palpitations got much more intense and I would feel like I would be suffocating. When it really started to go 'hard', it was immediately after I started to spend time with this chick that I started developing feelings for. A lifetime of insecurity and fear completely over-whelmed me, and instantaneously my heart began to go haywire. I would wake up in the morning with mild heart palpitations/anxiety-like and throughout the day it would vary in intensity, and I would continue with my work and everything while this shit kept going off in the background. Very uncomfortable. This went on for about a week when I then decided to tell the girl that I wasn't fit for any relations. She felt the same way for some reason, told me she was scared, and we decided to stay friends. We still hung out and fooled around for a little while after that, but that's besides the point.
Anyway, this was way back in Septemberish of last year. Eventually me and the girl parted ways completely but remained friends. I've never had a 'broken' heart and I don't think I have one, but really I don't know what it is, I don't know what they feel like. I just know my heart feels fucked up and it was giving me trouble before this girl ever came into the scene, so I can't really relate it to her, though the situation seemed to aggravate it.
I feel like I'm losing energy a lot of the time like it's leaking like a broken faucet. My throat dries up a bit at times, and I've noticed that at times my heart will really start pounding if I start thinking about 'personal' things like imagining situations where I might find myself in a state of fear and insecurity, like speaking in front of large and critical audience or something like that.
It didn't used to be like this, but I've really been burning inside.
I have, however, made some good ground because I'm not suffering it like I used to. I've disidentified from it, assuming the position of unassociated witness of it, as it were, to a certain extent where I have been able to examine it and I have come to the conclusion that the root of this discomfort is 100% mind-stuff, or rather, created and perpetuated in the mind, and totally the results of self-absorption, self-grasping, etc...
I don't find myself rolling in miserable thoughts and sensations though like before. WHen it was really bothering me I would think constantly and suffer.
But now, although it gets very uncomfortable at times, I don't react and I just sort of let it sit there and i don't fuss about it, whereas before I would easily get more angry and agitated because of it. Sometimes the heart palpitations will cease altogether and I'll feel quite peaceful. I also started meditating with more earnestness and sincerity, and I owe my meditation practice to that, and also the insights that have taken place.
Anyway I felt like posting this because I was hoping of maybe getting some other perspective on the situation. I used to smoke cigarettes when I would party was generally quiet unhealthy.
This heart-stuff - I'm not sure if it all mental-emotional, or if I have actually done some physical harm through ingestion of mdma, g, cigarettes, some coke here and there, or if all of the above.
So what it is at this point today, and right now, is that I believe that the root of these uncomfortable sensations at the centre of my being are related to negative self-grasping and self-consciousness. Like I said, when I start imagining certain situations, I can almost at will get my heart to start beating hard. for this same reason, I have also made improvements in my mental and emotional health by taking the 'witness' attitude and not identifying as much and trying to see the light when I can. Meditating more often and enjoying it. My quest for enlightenment has substantially matured and I am not suffering my non-enlightenment, and also the fantasies that I would have about also ceased. I literally used to think I would one day wake up in a mansion with gold or something fucking stupid like that. I am slowed down and narrowed my desires and vision to be utterly more realistic than it used to be and with that has come more peace.
But the only thing I wanted to still see if I can understand better with all of your helps, is that the heart-funkiness still persists after all this time. I really want to 'uproot' this problem, but I'm having trouble imagining being able to do so, consider how damn persisted the discomfort is and the only respite I have is meditation, and not identifying, and ignoring, and thinking positive. Still, it comes about and I lose energy and I feel like it's robbing me or greatness.
I would also like to add that between the initial emergence of the heart-discomfort, and the point that it really burst, I went through a period of the most wonderful beautiful satories that i have in my life. Shit hit the fan, I even ended up in the psychward at some point (mixing drugs, parties and an urge for enlightenment are a bad mix!), but after I was released, I eventually found myself at one with myself like I have never before, and still like the depths of the ocean, in my heart, and great love and peace emanated from this state. A natural joy and well-being which I had never experienced - ever. There were external happenings which confirmed the magic of this state, or perhaps, revealed that I have always - due to the limitations of the mind - lived in a mind-made prison.
I had glimpsed for the first time in my life, what its like to be without strong self-grasping, to be free, at peace, without 'want', to be without fear, with clarity, peace, with love, without doubt, without this hear-attack, just peace and a delicious well-being.
I dunno. All this stuff seems to be centred around the heart somehow. If the heart is truly at peace, the world is at peace, and when it is troubled, well, life is never as enjoyable as when you're at peace.
I'm gonna meditate tonight and I'm gonna love it,that's all I know.
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Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
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