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Trying to save my marriage
    #11291038 -

I know that this probably isn't the right forum to be seeking help or advice on this particular subject but I am lost and scared and would appreciate some good advice or to hear others opinions or stories on the matter that is causing me so much pain and grief.

I have been married to my Wife for 3 going on 4 years this next February. We have a beautiful baby boy that is going to be three this December.
I have been an avid pot smoker off and on (longest I quit was for a couple of years) since I was 15yo. or so, I am now 40yo.

My Wife is completely anti anything illicit, meaning that the only thing she doesn't have a problem with is cigarettes and alcohol, because they are legal and socially more accepted.

She found my piece (pipe, pot smoking paraphernalia) once and made me promise her that I would quit. I did so (promise) because I was threatened with divorce but had no intention on quitting and only went more under ground. I have since gotten caught or rather she has found my pipe two more times, and this got it in her head that I lie to her and if I lie about one thing then what else may I be lying about and so the trust is gone. She then went on a campaign of withholding sex to punish me.

Three months go by of her withholding sex and I tell her that I know I messed up, but I do love her and simply don't agree with her that pot is such a bad thing and since she is not willing to even try to see my side of it that I felt that there was no option but to keep it from her. I would smoke when away from the house only, so as to not have it in her face and so I thought, since I'm not cheating or doing anything that would hurt my family then all should be cool.

Anyway, she told me that she decides when enough is enough and so the sexless punishment continues.

This past weekend it was her 20yo. brothers Birthday and we took him to a place called Dave and Busters where you can eat, play video games and drink liquor since it's also a bar. Her brother being only 20 couldn't drink there so I told my Wife that she could invite her brother and his friends over to our home to continue their party and they can drink at our home.

After about 10-12 shots each in which I participated (my Wife wasn't drinking) me and the guys settled in the living room to play XBOX360 and my Wife went off to bed. I didn't hear the whole conversation but one of the guys says to one of the other guys, "I haven't had sex in two weeks" to which I quickly replied
"that's nothing, try 4-5 months" my Wife happened to hear that and comes into the room yelling "THAT'S IT! IT'S OVER" and runs off to the room.
I, knowing that she has a habit of locking me out of the room when she has a fit and me not wanting to be locked out of my room for a stupid mistake (in blurting out our personal business) ran to catch her before she locked the door. I did and forced my way in, she pulls out her cell phone and tells me she's going to call the cops, I quickly snatch the phone from her hand and then she pulls out my cell from her other pocket and I snatch that one too. She then picks up our son from his crib and takes off for the front door.
As I was following her to try and stop her, one of her brothers guy friends stops me at the door by grabbing me from both arms, we struggled and my TV hit's the floor where we end up too. I got away from him and ran out to catch my Wife, that guy comes out and stands in front of me again, this time I block his hand and slap him HARD across the face with a back hand. He get's all upset of coarse but got in the car with my Wife and child, along with the other friend and they left.
My Wife's brother told them to leave and that he would stayed behind with me. He then proceeds to apologies for his friend and told me that his sister and all the other women in his house (Mom and Grandma) are all freaking crazy. He knows me and knows that I am a good man and that I take a lot of isht from his sister that I don't deserve. The cops came but after they heard the story they knew that there was no real reason for them to be there and they just told us to keep it down and left.
Her brother and I proceeded to have a long deep conversation about how crazy these women are and how they don't give a isht about anyone else or their feeling.
After I sobered up, I drove him home to his Mom's house.
No sooner had I walked in, than the Mom and Grandma offer some unsolicited words, telling me that if we divorce that it doesn't mean that I won't get to see my child.
I went to the bed room where my Wife was and she automatically started with the I want a divorce thing. I told her that I don't want nor will I give her a divorce because I don't think that divorce should be the first thing you try when having problems in a marriage, I suggested trying to work things out even if it means seeking outside council. She wasn't having anything that I was suggesting and so I finally told her "well whatever, you do what you want but I'm taking our son home with me right now." She threatened to call the cops if I tried but I reminded her that if she did that I could have her arrested for kidnapping for taking out son out of our home against my will and without the legal right to do so. I know a lot about the law and also reminded her that I was assaulted by her brothers friend in my own house. She then just told me go a head then. I took my son home and went to bed since we hadn't slept all night, she came later and since we have been the same as before this weekends fight but a little worse off.

I don't want to loose my family and am now willing to cave in on her demands for me to quit pot, although it's legal for me to do it here in California and I still don't think that I should have to but I don't wish to loose my family over it and so I'm done.

Now, she has stopped wearing her wedding ring because she knows that this will hurt me but has been coming home every day after work and has not picked up and left yet.
Just comes home and treats me like garbage every night like she has been doing for the past 4-5 months.

I haven't been able to eat and my sleep is hard to come by and even harder to keep. I'm tired and hurt and scared and I don't know what to do to help my situation.

I don't want to loose my family and would appreciate and advice or stories of your own problems, how you chose to deal with them and how things came out for you.

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Morican]
    #11291061 -

Grow a sack bro.  Sounds like she rules the roost.  I understand that you want to keep the family together, but this sounds like too much.  Dump her first and fight for rights for the kid.

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: norml840]
    #11291112 -

Coming out of a crappy relationship myself I agree with norml. When you are working your ass off, giving in to demands, and generally radically changing your lifestyle just to suit someone elses' whims you don't have a healthy relationship, especially if she isn't willing to put any effort into the relationship. Her "waiting on you" (don't know if she uses the term, but watch out if she does) isn't any effort on her part. I don't know the whole situation, so of course I can't give really great advice or council, but a woman withholding sex as punishment or spite generally means that she is in the relationship for herself and what she gets out of it, and not what she can do to make you love her more. If you have to work hard for her to get anything that makes you happy, she isn't the drug for you.


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Everything seems like a dream...

Abuse said:
whoever this swim guy is, he's getting to all the drugs before everyone else, not just on this forum on many others too. swim's a little bit selfish :grin:

The RR's Notes Thread

I've got an R44 print the size of a doorknob that I'd love to trade for a pan cyans print! PM me!

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: pcube]
    #11291126 -

I usually don't double post, but I have to say that I genuinely feel for you man. Some women you can't help but being stupid for.
I'm pulling for you, keep your stick on the ice... but don't give in to someone that doesn't care about your happiness and well being. Was your toking up really coming in between you? Ask her about it and see what she thinks; if she can't be rational do everything you can for your child, but make sure she knows you want her out of your life. It sounds like she wants to play hardball, so think about those months of punishment and don't fall for her easily.

okay, I'll shut up now.


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Everything seems like a dream...

Abuse said:
whoever this swim guy is, he's getting to all the drugs before everyone else, not just on this forum on many others too. swim's a little bit selfish :grin:

The RR's Notes Thread

I've got an R44 print the size of a doorknob that I'd love to trade for a pan cyans print! PM me!

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Morican]
    #11291131 -

Yeah, at a certain point you gotta do what's right for you and your kid.  And that could very well include a divorce.  Your wife sounds like a total bitch, no offense.


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check out my music!
drowse in prison and your waking will be but loss

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Morican]
    #11291145 -

Wow man, you need to get out of that relationship quick. That does not resemble in any way a healthy relationship at all. She treats you like shit man.


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~The Cultivators Motherload~

"I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them.
I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do." -Robert A. Heinlein

"There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies.
My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness."-Dalai Lama

Live long and prosper.


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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Kada]
    #11291155 -

Why would you marry someone that was anti-marijuana if you were a pot smoker?


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With Allure I Look to the Sky With Awakened Eyes

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Morican]
    #11291162 -

She sounds like a bitch...You deserve better. Its probably in the best interest of your son too


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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Morican]
    #11291168 -

Looks like she's just looking for a reason at this point.
Sorry to say this, but from everything you mentioned she really behaves like a dumb cunt.
I know it's a really bad thing if kids are involved, but I am not so sure if you wouldn't be better off without her anyways.
All this bending over backwards for her to turn into something she expects you to be instead of being who you are is not doing you any good and it's not going to keep her. You always got to think who the person she fell in love with was. Why is she constantly trying to change that person? Either she accepts you the way you are or she doesn't, because I can guarantee you that she will never be happy.
The constant compulsion to try and change you only tells me that she's not happy with herself. Maybe instead of expecting you to do all the changing it would be time for her to accept the things that she doesn't like about you and do some changing herself.


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"Vegetarian" [ /ˌvedʒəˈteəriən/] - Ancient slang meaning "village idiot who can't hunt, fish or ride".

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Rocker232]
    #11291176 -

Rocker232 said:
Why would you marry someone that was anti-marijuana if you were a pot smoker?


That's what I'm saying I would never get in a relationship with someone anti weed.

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Poptart]
    #11291185 -

Poptart said:
Rocker232 said:
Why would you marry someone that was anti-marijuana if you were a pot smoker?


That's what I'm saying I would never get in a relationship with someone anti weed.


Exactly. I plan on smoking weed for a very long time...


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With Allure I Look to the Sky With Awakened Eyes

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Rocker232]
    #11291206 -

If you have to quit smoking to keep your family together then so be it...If it was just the chick I'd say forget it but since there is a kid involved things change.

The pot will still be there when he is older and can handle the divorce...because at this point it seems inevitable.


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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: German Kahuna]
    #11291229 -

German Kahuna said:
Looks like she's just looking for a reason at this point.




seems as if she hasnt wanted to be in the marriage since it started


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California Has Legalized Child Prostitution

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Rocker232]
    #11291245 -

Rocker232 said:
Poptart said:
Rocker232 said:
Why would you marry someone that was anti-marijuana if you were a pot smoker?


That's what I'm saying I would never get in a relationship with someone anti weed.


Exactly. I plan on smoking weed for a very long time...


In fact not only do they have to accept the fact that I smoke they would have to smoke as well.

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Kada]
    #11291263 -

Preschooler=7yrs married w/kid.

I think she might be centering anger around the pot. Throwing it in ur face. Sorry but i don't think quitting pot is going to help matters.

If ive learned anything from a woman that is disgusted by me.... is that she will find what you love or any thing she disagree's with and throw it in ur face.

Went threw a situation with my wife last month that almost landed us in divorce court. My wife for the past year had decided that i was the center of every problem and she was going to scream at me for everything.

Finally i had enough and told her that i wanted a divorce. Just by me saying this ..she decided she wanted me around and that she would change.

If i knew this was all i had to do. I would have done it years ago. Now she is watching her mouth and crazy temper.


My only advice is that you stand up for yourself and do what you want to do. Because if you don't...the only outcome is your unhappiness.... which will result in everyone around you being unhappy. The more you chase the faster she will run. Tell her what you want.... if she doesn't want it...then start looking for a friends couch to sleep on

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Tomandjerry58]
    #11291415 -

Nobody should be in a relationship where the other partner not only engages in hurtful behavior but announces it as retribution beforehand.

The way you describe her behavior, and her brother agreeing with this assessment leads me to believe she has no philosophical grounding for her issues with marijuana. The way she was eavesdropping on a normal male conversation and then flipped out in front of her brother and his friends leads me to believe she has more issues than just the pot, but that's neither here nor there.

She is just using supposed societal derision as a tool to dig at you, I don't know why. Maybe she resents some decisions she has made in her life that have not been 100% satisfying and she does not know where to go with this negative energy, so she picks fights with you and denies you sex and blames all this shit on you and smoking pot or whatever.

At the end of the day you can think about the reasons people do things, but the only person you really feel for is yourself. I think it's important to keep the welfare of your child first and foremost in your mind when you make these decisions, but as you say this is not something that is easy to live with. Nobody should exist in such a spiteful and negative emotional space day in and day out, let alone for months and years at a time. I hope things improve for you and your family, but it sounds like she is actively engaged in making that as difficult as possible.

Maybe you could show her this post you wrote, outside of the context of sharing it with strangers? Crop and edit so it reads like a journal entry, that way she can't give you shit about trying to connect on an emotional level with other rational adults, that's the last fight you need on your hands right now. It sounds like you are really genuine about making things work, and she doesn't realize just how bad she is damaging you emotionally over what is basically a pointless issue - your casual consumption of marijuana. Maybe it would help her realize how deeply concerned and affected you are, and she would step off her aggressive campaign of being king crankey bitch? Just another thought.

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Poptart]
    #11291477 -

Poptart said:
In fact not only do they have to accept the fact that I smoke they would have to smoke as well.


There's nothing wrong with girls who don't smoke.

There are plenty of seriously chill people who don't smoke.  :shrug:


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If you build it they will shrug.
:shrug:

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Poptart]
    #11291502 -

Oh man, I have been on here (this forum) for a while just talking about my interest in mycology and other drugs and have found a great network of people like me, but I didn't expect such kind and good words over someone crying like a lil B_tch over loosing their family.

First off thank you all for your advice and insight.

pcube
I am "keeping my stick on the ice" but at this time like MHbound stated, that might mean putting pot aside for a while till both I and our child can handle the inevitable divorce sometime in the future.
To be honest the more she treats me like isht the more I grow to hate her because I have nothing but try and bend over backwards for her because I love her.
This is why I married an anti pot person even though I am a huge head myself. It's not a good reason but I fell in love with her and accepted her marriage proposal without thinking of the future of my pot smoking, stupid of me I know.
The problem now, is that I have a beautiful lil man (my son) that is my life and means the world to me and I would stay and suffer for the rest of my life if I had to.

Man, I can't thank you guys enough for all the advice that all of you guys have offered me. I feel a little better just reading these posts.

No worries to my shrooming community for I have been open with her about my interest in mushroom hunting and so far she has had nothing to say about it. Maybe she doesn't know that there are active species? But whatever the case, I will still be on here with you guys posting pics and trip reports on my Salvia, hopefully shrooms (when I find some) and soon on San Pedro that I just got in the mail from Bouncing Bear Botanicals. hehehe just hope she don't get wise. 

preschooler
Thanks for your story, it sucks to hear that other people have ass hole Wives but it's great to hear that you had some success.
My situation might be lost but I, at least right now, I have not run because I don't want to loose my son. I have lost a family in the past and had my first son and daughter raised by other people and I shoved aside only in their lives like a distant uncle or something and I swore not to let anyone take my child from me again.

xeallos
Wow, I had to come back and edit this post so as to not double post but wow. Your post touched me and you are absolutely right.
Thanks again.

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Swyfty Swyf]
    #11291591 -

im sure all this advise is not exactly the type of things you wanted to hear but perhaps it is what you need to hear.

do you think that your stopping to smoke is really going to make all this go away though?

divorce is not a rational solution on her part if it stems from your relationship with mary.

good luck in whatever path you take, just make sure you think about what is best for the kid's future and mental health (like i need to tell you).


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My words, too, are only an echo; but there is no reason why I should not repeat what I have heard.                    :zombie5:
-Socrates                                                                Let the rabbits wear glasses!
:gd_icon::trippycow::gd_icon:

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Re: Trying to save my marriage [Re: Morican]
    #11291601 -

just wanted to say i feel sorry for you.

love has two sides for real.


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You can check the last post in my journal for contact info.

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