Within the past few years, I have been on an impromptu course of studying different religeons and philosophies.
I was raised by a Christian family and attened a Christian church for the first 19 years of my life. I took everything passed down to me as fact/faith. I knew a God existed and had a good spiritual relaitonship with what I thought was God. I relied on Faith to help me get through hard times by knowing things would get better, and relied on righteousness to keep my path in the light instead of faultering to evil.
I was always abreast of my environment, and began to notice suffering in the congregation of families that attended my church. I witnessed the results of alcoholism, drug abuse, domestic abuse, disease, illness and ignorance.
More often than not, these people blamed themselves for these catastrophies and deducted it to God punishing them. I was smart enough to see that God didn't do these things to these people, they were simply making bad decisions and illogical choices that led to self-destruction.
This made me begin to question God's intent. Even when these people faced great opposition and suffering, they basically thought it was God's doing, yet, they repented and asked still for God's grace and professed their love for God. So, if they loved God this strongly, why would he allow all of this suffering, when I knew athiests who lived a much simpler stress-worry-suffering free life.
It didn't make much sense to me and I began to think that maybe God was choosey as to who his favorites were. But, I began to look at my own life, and see the issues I endured through my parents, and looked at how my life was lacking and I began to see the only difference between me and the people that God didn't seem to love, were based merely on life's consequences, Cause and effect, karma, etc.
The more I began to see this, the more I started to 'test' God as I became a teenager. And the result was, that God was still there, he was still within me. I was able to get my hands on alcohol. I'd sit up late after my parents were asleep and drink and look up at the stars while buzzed, but I still felt God;s presence and it didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong.
I once drank and got behind the wheel, and I immediatley realized this was wrong. I felt like God thought it was wrong too.
I later got into sex, and had a one night stand, I felt horrible about it and I felt like God thought the same.
But later I had a girlfriend, and we were having pre-marital sex all the time. I really loved this girl, and I didn't feel the same Guilt. I felt like God thought this was ok as well....
The pattern seemed to repeat itself, and I realized that anything that I felt was appropriate, did not cause conflict with God. And anything that did seem to bring about Guilt and shame, made me feel guilt and shame in the eyes of God.
This didn't make much sense because I was breaking Man's laws left and right and it didnt bother me or God. I realized that the consequences of my actions were what brought about suffering, so, I minimized the consequences by using common sense.
So, as I grew up, I began to question, Who is God really, how does or how can God percieve man? How can he keep track of all of us? Does he really even care what we do or how we do it. So, what was left of my faith began to morph into my own idea of what God is and what it all means.
My Christian belief and upbringing moved into something more like a philosophy than a belief system. I came to the conclusion that I could create my own beliefs, and if I truly believed them, then to me, they would seem very real. I tested this on numerous occasions to the point of feeling very delusional in my day to day life. ( I wont get into those rituals)
This year, I have been studying Hindu philosophies and the way of the Yogis. I find much truth in some of the core precepts. I also feel incessantly attracted to the philosophy to the point of revealing my efforts to my parents. Even when called a heretic and being threatened with the belief that I will be going to hell now for renouncing Christ, I'm not swayed one bit. I have learned much about Christ's path through studying hinduism and practicing yoga and being very active in group meditation.
Lately, I've been studying mantras and the philosophy behind chakras and meridians and energy and even though they are esoteric in nature, I still feel a hint of realness and authenticity to them.
I haven't felt this kind of actual 'belief' in anything since I was very young.
I'm wondering if this is just a state of infatuation with something bigger than myself, or if I'm being drawn closer to the truth through my practice and studies.
I'm trying to determine if I should believe in the power of mantras, and Ganesha, Shiva, Krishna and determining the power of Shavaya. Is it worth while, or is it a waste of time. Am I sacrificing the possiblity of eternal salvation by defying the teachings of the bible and praying (mantras) to false Idols (ganesha).
It's a hell of a brain fuck trying to figure this all out and I thought I had a sliver of hope of abandoning this and returning to Christ exclusively when a friend told me of an urban legend I later found to be just a hoax, about NASA confirming that there was a lost day as indicated by the bible. I quickly realized this was completely false and I quickly resumed focus on my esoteric studies.
Are there others who have swayed form the path of pedagogy as I have to find more faith and belief in something that seems more real than the KJV of the history of spirituality and the world?
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Either way, you needn't feel any guilt about your search. Trust in the flow of life, that it is taking you where you need to go. And for God's sake, enjoy the ride! 
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