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poem help?
    #9640823 -

I wrote this poem months ago and hid it in my system.  Now that Ive read it for the first time in months, it sounds good, to me.  then again I have no clue what sounds good and bad.  What do you think?  Honest opinions people, and serious ones only please.  thanks in advance!

twenty four and still a bore
restless looking to'rd the door
speaking sounds of rainy days
Going up and down in'a haze

Thinking of the days before
Laughing looking to'rd the door
Hearing words of childish stays
Feeling forceful wicked ways

The day beats down my weary sword
Thinking of looking to'rd the door
Sunny night of shiny rays
Going up and down in'a haze

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9641133 -

no critique?  come the fuck on gents, critique me

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9641146 -

It's a start.

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9641175 -

I'd get rid of "to'rd" and "in'a." I think they make it awkward.

Here's how I would word it:

Twenty-four and still a bore
A restless glance toward the door
Speaking sounds of rainy days (*What does that mean?*)
Up and down, I'm in a haze

Thinking of the days before
I laugh, I look toward the door
Hearing words of childish stays (*??*)
Feeling forceful wicked ways

The day beats down my open sore
I think I'll look toward the door
Sunny night of shiny rays
Up and down, I'm in a haze

I like it, either way. Nicely done. :smile:

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9641253 -

might I suggest you count the syllables - there's a few lines that are off  :craven:

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #9641397 -

twenty four and still a bore
i need more vaseline to cool my sores
speaking of being a case
these voices just love the haze

thinking of spanking my whore
I garb a belt for I head to the store
hearing the kids giggle and play
I run over their dog as he's in my way

A man grabs my spot as I was there before
I open his door and drive through full force
boy I hate it when people call me gay
so I took home his head and had sex today

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #9641485 -

^ LOL nice

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #9641615 -

twenty four and still a bore
a bag of weed upon the floor
the pipe lies yonder 'cross this maze
whilst I lie restless in this haze

thinking of the day before
an how I fucked that little whore
no condom donned, an no concern
wondering if I'll ever learn

but I suppose twill never be
an suspect there is no hope for me
an so I remain barely alive
and pray for a better twenty five

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Re: poem help? [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #9641625 -

yea the last part got me though cuz well fuck it youll know when you know

thanksgiving

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Community > Shroomerites Anonymous
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