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Poem time or whatever it is
    #9043876 -

Vibrant vibes filling my soul from the deepest of trenches
only to devour my insides, my mind eats its energy and floats
toward the clouds, falling fast and hitting the ground
like a rocket in reverse, we touch down

the land is precious and bright we know
the world in a veil of conscience visions
Broken and cracked and torn to euphoria
Sadly weeping over our loss, our loss

Motherland is the destiny and war of freedom
Defeated by yourself, sadly mistaken imagery
Carrying news of shattered dreams, rebuilt inside
Wandering aimlessly, peaceful and free, for all to see

take my hand, do you feel those vibes?
grab a hole, but not too tight
Rest your head, and drift up toward the moon
Let yourself go, peaceful and free, for all to see

Does it suck?  Be honest dudes and dont flame too bad.

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Re: Poem time or whatever it is [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9043990 -

i'm sorry, but that was terrible

i used to write garbage like that too, and occasionally catch myself starting poems like that

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Re: Poem time or whatever it is [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #9044917 -

Pretty bad.  No rhythm, no strucutre...ok I know some people say that doesn't have to be a bad thing.  But, no sense and no appreciable imagery is unforgiveable. 

Seems like the kind of thing a stoned hippy would start writing out on the back of a zig-zag package. 

:smile:

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Re: Poem time or whatever it is [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9044949 -

Here's a short poem a wrote, which will be included in a full length work of fiction.  Some may think its pretty gay to write poetry, but compare it to yours and think about flow, imagery, and sense.  If you are just starting you can do better.

We’ll sow the seed and plant the root
And dig and plow and yell and hoot
We’ll hit the drum and play the flute
And march along in shoe and boot
The road to market town

We’ll pick the wheat and fill the cart
And break and work and stop and start
We’ll toil together, not apart
And separate like the rogues that dart
The road to market town

We’ll trade the grain for goods we want
And jig and dance and jump and jaunt
We’ll fill our bellies, not be gaunt
And waifish like the ghosts that haunt
The road to market town

We’ll travel home with everything
And cook and eat and laugh and sing
We’ll hail our friends, not any king
And pick the flowers, sometimes ring
The road to market town

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Re: Poem time or whatever it is [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #9045736 -

It depends.  Are you 12?  It's incredible.  Are you 16?  It's pretty good.  Are you 20?  It's not bad.  Are you 47?  Seek mental health counseling.

All in all I would say it isn't that bad.  Just practice more and it will improve over time.  Just because there is room for improvement doesn't mean it isn't any good at all.

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Re: Poem time or whatever it is [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #9045982 -

15 dead hookers rotting diseased pussies biting
fetus ripped from the hole waiting in the trash scratching
cheese off the wrapper of a wendys sandwich double
waiting in a room with no door with long hair her eyes
looking out the window at the trees move when the sun goes

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Community > Shroomerites Anonymous
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